Looking Back

looking back over the shoulder of time,
i remember when you were mine.
all the innocence in your kisses,
was all i needed to know i wanted to be your misses.

the marching band of time only moves forward,
we were silly to think we could keep our love as a reward.
years erased the taste of your tongue on mine,
but i still long for our last summer time.

memories run around the corridors of my mind,
your laughter, my tears, all of our fears on rewind.
we didn't know any better,
the folly of our youth made a good lifetime movie.

the parental units were wise,
they held back their discontented cries.
they let us burn out instead of fading away,
the only most passionate of loves end that way.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Memorial Day 2010

i read poems from time to time.
i like it when they rhyme.
i write poems sometimes
i try to make them rhyme.

there's a line i draw
between me and my heart.
you want to cross it.
i'm afraid that's not smart.

i like to watch from a distance.
i avoid up close and personal.
my mind outruns my wants.
these desire i have are impossible.

i limit my contact
so i don't get love sick.
i got innoculated
so your love won't stick.

i read poems sometimes.
i like that they aren't mine.
i write poems once in awhile.
i don't think they rhyme.

I Love...

i love a good song that speaks to my soul.
i love a cold dr. pepper on a hot day.
i love the smell of the air after a hard rain.
i love the feel of the heat of the dog when she's curled up on my lap.

i love a poem that captures a feeling of mine.
i love a movie that makes me laugh and cry.
i love drinking a cold glass of milk just before bed.
i love a sweet dream that lingers long after i've awoken.

i love a gloomy sky when it matches my mood.
i love the first snow flakes of winter's doom.
i love the softness of my daughter's hair.
i love laughing so hard i pee my pants.

i love the subtleness of your smile.
i love the way you drive me insane
i love the sound of your voice.
i love these days with you.

I fuck it up every time

could have loved ya better
could have held you longer
could have said i was sorry
yeah, i could have lied
but i fuck it up every time

i told you about him
and i did it mercilessly
my temper gets the best of me
but the moment you cried
those tears fell from your eyes
i saw what i could have done

could have held back
could have bit my tongue
could have walked away
yeah, i could have waited another day
but i fuck up every one i touch

i said the most hurtful words i know
spewing hate with every breath
i really let you see me at my worst
but the moment you threw your hands up
and your legs walked you out the door
i knew what i could have done

could have tried harder
could have been more sincere
could have apologized
but i can't because i'm full of fear
living my life with every thing
i could have done to keep you here
knowing i fucked it up for the last time with you.

control freak

let go, i dare you.
let someone else take control.
bite your lip;
hold your tongue;
learn to delegate once in awhile.

you complain of being tired.
you are sick of being worn out.
you bitch about being overworked,
but you do it to yourself.

you step right in and take over.
no one asked you too.
you lord over it like you own it.
then complain that no one stopped you.

you are like a tank.
you just run over every one.
i feel sorry for you.
sit back and just relax.
you work hard, yes.
but sometimes you need to let it go.

i got it.
i had it.
i was working on it.
but not up to your speed.
not under your thumb.
so you took it and ran.
now it's a bigger mess then it needs to be.

the control freak is running amok.
taking it all and throwing out nuts.
he can't step back and be objective.
he thinks he knows it all
and therefore must be in charge.

but i'm okay.
i can let it go.
i just hope you learn too
before your heart gives out on you.

My Mask

let me put on my mask.
the one to hide how i feel.
my eyes will not betray
the saddness i live everyday.

walk away, i don't want to talk.
i can't say what you want to hear.
i'm no superhero for you to worship.
my mask's only power is to disguise my pain.

take another shot, i can take it.
i play tough and i can fake my way through
any emotion you want me to have.
just don't ask me why.

this mask will only tell lies.
i'll say that i am happy.
i will tell you that i care.
but all i want is to disappear.

let me put on my mask.
the one i use to hide how i feel.
i'll stand up straight.
i'll look you in the eye;
as long as have my mask on i can lie, lie, lie.

i'm saving you so much trouble.
my locking away all my anger.
my drowning out my sorrows with loud
phoney laughter and painted on smiles.

there's no need for both of us to feel the anguish of
the unfulfilled dreams and broken hearts.
i never leave home without my mask on my face.

Dance in the Ashes of Me

it all comes rushing in on me
my insecurities, my self-hate,
i forget sometimes who i am,
but then the bad thoughts circle around again.
they're never far from the surface.
lying in wait for a second of quiet,
to pop any calm i've obtained.
and then they dance in my pain.

dance in my misery.
dance on the ruins of my dreams.
dance with disappointment.
dance around with glee
reveling in the ashes of me.

i hear strange voices over the air.
they say mean things to me.
enjoying the barbs and taunts,
my hope for a minute of peace
is shattered so i dance in my pain.

dance above my dashed hopes.
dance around my low self-esteem.
dance in the darkness of my soul.
dance around with glee.
dance in the ashes of me.

i've lost it.
there's too many people around me
to be cleaning out my closet.
i slam the door on the shadows,
pushing away recovery's hope,
jumping down the slippery slope.
and you jump up in glee,
because you can keep dancing in the ashes of me.