Doomed

the urge to call or text is overwhelming.
you pulled the plug.
you ended it.
i was brave at work, i swallowed my tears,
but on the way home i cried like i hadn't in years.

i'm so confused.
i don't know what to do.
so i'm suffering alone on the couch,
hopelessly lost because i couldn't figure you out.

your reaction surprised me.
we have a mutual acquaintance.
it should have been an it's a small world after all moment,
but you exploded and freaked out on me.
then you accused me of being a creepy cyber stalker,
like i was hunting you and your friends down online.

you didn't even say you were sorry.
you began to grill me.
things spiraled out of control.
then you said i was too much drama
and you let me go!

i'm hurt and sad but not mad.
i'm giving you time and space.
all my friend think you're hiding something
and that is why you got up in my face,
but i just miss you being at my place.

this love still echos inside of me.
i'm ruined by you and now i'm without you.
i feel doomed!

My Lost Hope

you were a hope i never got to hold.
this morning my world came apart.
my heart has frozen solid and stopped.
this is how it feels to lose a child.
i never got to see you born.
God gave me the possibility of you,
but then God took away the reality of you.

i still have the booties and the sleeper.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around not being able to keep you.
i'm devastated and hurting.
the physical pain will fade as you bleed out of me,
but the sorrow i feel will never fade.
i'm sorry i wasn't able to stop you from leaving.

i've been reassured this isn't my fault,
but i feel as if i'm being punished by God.
i don't even know if you were a boy or a girl.
my lost hope, i love you still.
i feel literally empty without you.
i'm the only one who wanted you.
i would've cherished and adored you.
my little angel, rest in heaven now,
i will always miss you.

Somewhere In Here

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did i put it?
today i got good news, but with me,
there's always a but,
i feel sadder then ever.
i hate being praised, it makes me sick.
i used to love recognition.
i don't know where my self-esteem went,
but i have a a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

i guess i could shovel out the blame.
my brothers unrelenting teasing.
the fat jokes. the ugly taunts.
the put downs and the heart aches.
my mother's constant critisism.
my father's unrelenting optimism.
me trying to be everything to everyone
and now me feeling like i'm nothing to no one.

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did it go?
today i had a moment of uncontrollable laughter,
but those moments never last,
and now i feel empty and bloated.
i hate not be able to make my happiness stay.
i used to laugh every day.
i don't know where my hope went,
but i have a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

Spoon Feed Me

hopeless romantic, i am,
but all you see is a sentimental fool.
i had thought time would change your mind,
but time is running into your defenses.
no words that i can say will ever be enough
to turn your head my way.
my only card to play would be to help you
out of financial ruin,
ironic, because i'm broke myself.

tonight i don't want to fight.
i'd love for you to hold me tight.
i know your love is an illusion
that i covet more then gold.
bring me my dreams and spoon feed them to me,
lay on a silver platter so you can serve me.

optimistic dreamer i am,
but all you hear is a nonsensical believer.
i imagined us together living happily ever after,
but you're halfway out the door.
there's no action i can take to persuade you to stay.
the only card i have left in my hand is the one i'm afraid to play.
ironic, because when i'm with you i feel fearless.

Dance in the Ashes of Me

it all comes rushing in on me
my insecurities, my self-hate,
i forget sometimes who i am,
but then the bad thoughts circle around again.
they're never far from the surface.
lying in wait for a second of quiet,
to pop any calm i've obtained.
and then they dance in my pain.

dance in my misery.
dance on the ruins of my dreams.
dance with disappointment.
dance around with glee
reveling in the ashes of me.

i hear strange voices over the air.
they say mean things to me.
enjoying the barbs and taunts,
my hope for a minute of peace
is shattered so i dance in my pain.

dance above my dashed hopes.
dance around my low self-esteem.
dance in the darkness of my soul.
dance around with glee.
dance in the ashes of me.

i've lost it.
there's too many people around me
to be cleaning out my closet.
i slam the door on the shadows,
pushing away recovery's hope,
jumping down the slippery slope.
and you jump up in glee,
because you can keep dancing in the ashes of me.

Rock Bottom

I've got to be missing something.
I keep fumbling along hoping to find where I belong.
There's no answers in the darkness.
I've got to look past my senses.
I'm barely holding up.
I think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel lighter then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I wnat to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Have you tried to think but your mind goes blank?
You become an empty slate no one wants to write on.
I'm one of those.
I'm clueless to the bone.
There's no hope for me to recover.
This lost cause in mascara and pantyhose.
I'm think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel light then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I want to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Missing Love

I'm not going to accomplish anything else tonight.
But I don't want to go home.
I don't want to be alone.
Everything about me screams loser.
My dreams fled long ago.

There's not alot of options for people like me.
I am hanging on by a thread.
My hope has deserted me.
My heart doesn't speak to me.
My depression sinks me to new lows.
It's hard to want someone who doesn't want you.
It hurts to watch them find love without you.

I keep finding myself in the same situation.
Driving down the wrong way on a one way street.
Too scared to stopo and ask for directions.
I flirt with diseaster.
I tangle with emotional distress.
I fall in love with love.
I must confess I am a mess.
Screwed up beyond repair,
I look around for relief from my despair.

Happy couples surround me.
I want to vomit.
I want to run.
I keep looking for a gun.
I want to rip my eyes out.
I don't want to see what they have is something I'll never get.
It's love returned.
It's a blessed event.

Here I am empty handed again.
My heart shredded by my mislead directions.
I've been ejected before I ever moved in.
I just want to be loved.
I miss being in love.
I want to be loved.

I Warned You

Who told you life would be easy?
Who said you'd always get your way?
Who made you think the world revolved around you?
That person needs to be flambayed!
Life is an uphill struggle.
You're lucky to make it a quarter of the way,
before you start hitting the down side.
The king sits at the top of the hill,
he throws rocks at you, laughing his ass off.
How dare you challenge him!

We all hold on to our delusions of granduer for awhile,
some longer then others.
A few manage to rise above the gravity,
the rest of us slam to the ground and get doused in reality.
I was once a dreamer, like you.
I was once a fool.
I draped myself in romantic trappings,
hoping to catch a match made in heaven.
I got a devil with an angel's face instead.
He promised me the world and left me his trash.
I guess that makes me jaded.
Solving life's little mysteries aren't my priority.
I'm happy to make it through the day.
I'm just going through the motions, but I still pray once a day.

I don't believe in the fairy tales.
I don't hope for better.
I sit in my corner of the room and make due.
It's survival I'm striving for.
My life's vision got twisted around.
Now I don't remember where I was going in the first place.
My memory seems to blur out the good things.
I shield myself from others dreams.
Covered and protected I hide my soul away.
You do what you want, but you can't say,
that I didn't warn you.
Life will have it's own way with you.

Remember I Love You?

how can i reach the deeper end of your pool
when do i get to see beyond the facade of your beautiful face
where did the real you go
do you even know where to find yourself
please don’t run and hide
it won’t hurt much to let me in
just fall on back without looking and you’ll see
that i will catch you in my arms
you’ll be safe here with me

how can i express how i feel about you?
words seem unable to capture a human soul
even with all the poetry and music in this world
i cannot manage to let you know how much i love you
it is a puzzle i cannot solve
a problem that i cannot resolve

i worry if you knew if you would think less of me
so i hide it and bury the feelings deep in my heart
i figure it doesn’t matter how i feel or what i have to say
you have made your mind up and that’s very clear
you and i aren’t meant to be
so i will sit and watch how life unfolds
with my feelings of love for you never told

Over and over i keep telling myself that love really doesn’t matter
i can be whole without having you to hold
but i feel like there is this huge black hole sucking out my soul
life just seems so dull without a spark of love
to keep my fires burning & to keep my heart churning

i just sit around these days doing nothing
my love is growing stagnet and moldy
i doubt even if i was given the chance to love you
that i don’t remember how to love a man
it has been so long ago since i had to tell a man ‘i love you’
that i am fearful i have lost the ability to utter the phrase
i am so scared of being hurt and torn apart
that i have built a fort of defenses to keep you out
i don’t know how the gate works to let you in

so i will sit here watching the sun go across the sky
praying the sun will make me go blind
so i won’t have to see you loving someone else
i will pretend again that i don’t love you
and i will let your life unfold without you knowing i love you

I'm Broken

Why do I bother to explore my soul when I know there’s nothing there to find? I’ve searched it a million times hoping I’d see the person I’m supposed to be. But here I am, again, lost, lonely, and confused. It’s what I do. I see who I want, but I know he’s not mine to have. It’s just how my life goes. I really like you, but you don’t even know who I am. Love is lost. It’ll never find me. I’ve been forbidden to touch you. I have waited so long to hold you. What I can’t hide is the love I have for you inside. But I know you don’t care. I’ll just go now. Tuck the torn pieces of my heart away. My soul is lonely and cold without you. But that’s just the way my life goes. I fall in love with a man I can’t have. I’m not in here anymore. I’ve detached myself from the pain. Being dumped isn’t the same when you never went out. I keep thinking love should be right here in my heart, but it’s not, I’m broken. Don’t know what can fix this? Vodka? Pills? Patty Griffin? Sylvia Plath? Offspring?