Until I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved.
i listen to your passionate pleas and i don't feel a damn thing.
i shove you down and kick you for no reason.
your tears make me angry.
your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart.
if you really loved me you would have stayed.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a plot in a murder mystery i've see a 1,000 times before.
your charms can't heal my broken heart.
there's no do over.
you took until i had nothing left to give.
i'm bankrupt so leave.
you are nothing to me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts.
i have only 1/2 of me to live off of now.
your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness.
i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all this misery you brought upon me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i need to heal.
i need to cry.
i need to eat.
i need a quick fix to get by.
i need fire.
i need love.
i need feelings.
i need to smile.

you God Damn fucking son of a bitch!

i need to forget.
give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get.
God help me, i won't quit until i don't need you.
i'll self-medicate.
i'll self-destruct.
i'll burn my fucking self down to the God Damn ground.
i won't stop until i don't need you.

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

Thank You for it All.

i went to sit outside because i need the sun.
i got to thinking about what else i need.
i need the sun because i'm low on vitamin d.
i can't see this need, but it's in my blood,
like how i need Jesus' sacrifice to return to God.

i can't plead ignorance.
i can't deny his existence.
the years i wasted running away from the truth.
there's only one thing i have left to do,
accept my eternal destiny and be blessed.

i have been foolish.
i have been reckless.
my youth left scars far deeper then the ones you can see.
you took from me more then i thought i could bare,
but you blessed me more then i ever knew.
your spirit was there to comfort me in my darkest hour.
all you've ever shown me is love.

i can't turn away.
i can't be afraid.
i still have time to make amends.
there's only one thing i haven't done.
i get on my knees, bow my head
and say a prayer to thank you for it all!

for the good and the bad,
for all the angels you sent to help me along the way,
for your patience,
this life i have now i'd never change.
no matter how destructive i got to be,
you never gave up on me.
thank you God.
thank you for it all!