Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

Bad Bug

that's a bad bug, leave it alone, it's a bad bug!
it'll sting you until you're numb;
until your throat swells shut,
and you think you're going to die, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, let it go on, it's a bad bug!
it turns your insides out;
leaves you weak and shaking on the floor,
and you pray to die, it's a bad bad bug!

i'm sitting in the spring sunshine fighting an urge to cry.
my stomach rolls like a thunder storm.
my ribs ache from all the sickness i've expunged.
i prayed for mercy then i begged for death!

that's a bad bug, take it far away, it's a bad bug!
it overcomes you and takes control;
you aren't you anymore,
and you become just a ball of disease trying to breathe, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, wash down all the pills to kill it, it's a bad bug.
the pain comes crashing in waves of vomit and tears;
both ends explode into misery,
and i'm chained to the bathroom like a slave to its master, it's a bad bad bug!

there's not freedom in the pink you drink.
every second i think death has arrived.
if this is living then death can't be that bad.
i prayed to find a chemical to release me from this nightmare.

that's a bad bug, it crawls inside of you and eats you alive, it's a bad bug.
it's tearing me apart one retch at a time;
i'm huddled in the corner knowing i'm going to die,
and all i feel is relief, it's a bad bad bug!

He's Never Far

he's never far; either in my thoughts or in these scars he carved into my heart.

he's never far; his smile or his hazel eyes are burned into every tear
and every twinkle of my eyes.

he's never far; his memory makes me feel and i miss him.
i miss the pain and i miss saying his name.

it's hard to be here.
he's so near but so far away.
his warmth is beyond my reach.
the reality brought us crashing down.
i feel the full weight its gravity upon my chest.
he's never far, but he's far enough away to not be mine anymore.

he's never far; either in my dreams or these words being shared with the world.

he's never far; his laugh or his caresses are casting a long shadow over me.

he's never far; time is slow to erase his mark. i miss it.
i miss him and i love it and i hate it.

it's hard to be here.
alone but haunted by the sweetest memories.
he's so near and he's so dear to me.
i feel by now i should have moved on.
he's never far, but he's oh so near!

Better

tied to a butterfly's wings my anxiety flies away.
the wind and rain pound onto my heart in vain.
my strength waivers at times but i maintain i matter.
today i feel better!

happiness has never defined my life.
my personality teeters between crazy and crazier.
i give each man i love all i got but it ain't ever enough.
today i'll do better!

mood swings and personal demons take their toll.
i'm hard to like and harder to love.
the medication only destroys what makes me shine.
today i'll be better!

lonesome tears stain my cheeks.
life's sorrows overfill my cup.
on each horizon i see the road i should have been on.
today i'll choose better!

tomorrow brings unpredictable feelings.
i might be happy or i might be sad.
there's no way for me to make any kind of guarantee,
but today i was better!

Time Bomb

don't charge me admission to my own execution.
the hang man's rope calls out to me.
all these hopes that died on my tongue leave me crushed by their gravity.
the peace lily is dying; the war within is still raging.
someday i wanted to change, but not today!

you were the bigger man and that makes me sad.
don't judge me by your own moral standards.
the ten commandments are more like guidelines i ignore all the time.
i envy. i covet. i lust. i fornicate. i lie. i steal. i cheat.
i don't ask for respect because i never give it.
there's no honor inside this broken down whore i've become.

the most i get takes all i got.
don't think you know what i'm going to do next.
i don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i saw you were back here last night smoking.
you didn't even bother to say hi.
the words you gave me were to pacify.
we're both afraid i'm going to lose my mind.

my insides are malfunctioning.
don't believe it's guilt because i'm falling apart.
it's just my broken heart flooding my system with those tears you wouldn't let me cry.
the fears have overtaken all my reason.
your voice had lulled me into submission.
we aren't friend but you like to pretend we are.
your influence over me is fading at last.
one day you'll piss me off and that will set me off, but not today!
i'm a ticking time bomb with a broken clock!

Far Flung Angel

tossed aside like a worn out rag doll,
i wanted you to kiss away my tears.
all my life i danced to the tune of my fears.
i see the end of the road and i'm not liking it!
the collision is destined and i have to live with that.

God threw me out into the world;
blonde and grey eyed, daddy's little angel;
one mistake followed by another,
it all adds up to me being a nervous wreck.
i pray to God for some relief,
but this far flung angel is out of His reach!

tell me the truth, i know it'll hurt.
i've sugar coated my faults and now no one recognizes me including me.
i wrote it all down in an emergency suicide note,
but i'll never kill myself,
but one day i'll destroy myself.

little girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice,
but i'm just crazy with rotten habits i can't break.
mommy's little angel lives life to the hilt.
my halo's broken and my wings are torn.
God has forgotten this far flung angel He used to adore.

i wish upon a planet.
my wishes are too big for the stars.
i want silence inside my head and peace within my heart.
i don't know where to start.
i saw the world in black and white,
but now i'm so far out i can't find the light.

dear God,
i'm off course.
i've flung myself upon the mercy of sin
and you can see what bad shape i am in.
please forgive this far flung angel and let me back in!

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Love's Sunset

love leaves only victory etched upon the youthful follies the old love to remember.
the flame burns red hot like it does at the beginning of anything exciting and new,
but time brings differences and doubts.
the flame turns blue and cold to the touch until you notice the flame has gone out
and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like the snail when we don't want to change, but we know change is coming.
a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart.
go stand outside to watch the sun setting on your love.

she's picking apart every memory.
she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her.
you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase.
she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat.

life with her was perfect, familiar, and clean.
but with routine comes boredom and with boredom the yearning to stray to find entertainment elsewhere.
still, you will fondly think of her every time you put on your favorite t-shirt she bought you.
she's hoping you will miss her and come back,
but you both know you never look back.

we move like molasses in winter time when life throws us a curve ball.
you don't love her.
God knows you tried too.
you ignored the signs.
her eyes have filled up with tears.
your heart is full of fears.
you didn't want to hurt her, but you still are here.

the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her.
so you climb into your beloved yukon
and back out into the freedom of the unknown.
for some odd reason she waves goodbye.
a voice in your head whispers she'll be alright.

she waits until the car is out of sight.
she goes back inside and sits down.
finally she gives a huge sigh of relief
thank God i never had to tell him i didn't love him anymore.

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

This Monday or Send Up a Prayer

he's got those crazy eyes again
God only know what he's got planned
i wait for the explosion
this is the calm before the storm
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hold on to me
he's got me right where he wants me
i need strength to make this last
i know he's cheating on me
but i love him
so, God, help me find a way to set myself free

this monday started off bad
he came home at 1 AM
we've fought non-stop since then
i'm crying, he's lying
there's no love in this room
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hear my tears
feel my pain across the stars
he's not listening to my pleas
i need you God to give me the right words
he's half way out the door
but i love him
so, God, should i let him go?

Adieu

i'm growing weak from the havoc you create
you disguise your lies as a lover's appetite
my heart can't be sustained with you as my mate
my hopes are flying away like a runaway kite

i built you up and you tore me down
it hurts when you don't respond
your rejection slaps me around
i dumped your belongings into the pond

my tears echo in these empty hallways
your memory haunts every corner
i let you rule me with your dominant ways
my foolish pride made me a slow learner

your anger is the only part of you i knew
it's been long overdue to bid you a final adieu

I Don't Want to Hate You

i got hope growing inside of me.
peace and happiness are taking root.
i'm building my own ark to save me from my old tears.
i don't want to hate you.

i'm finding someone new.
he's going to be better for me then you.
goodbye's hurt, but new beginnings are sweet.

i look out into the darkness.
i dismiss my fears.
there's no time to wallow in my tears.
i treasure every memory we made, but i need new ones to keep my heart fed.
i don't want to fear you.

my mind rolls along passed the thunder clouds you made.
the sun is finally shining down on me.
life isn't as complicated as you want it to be.

i dream of days free from worry.
i'm exhausted from all the sleepless nights.
i know i tried everything, but nothing ever satisfied you.
i'll miss your smile the most.
i don't want to forget you.

there's no stranger knocking on my door.
i have a life to live.
i can't waste anymore time on you.

Pictures

a picture of love full of smiles
no pictures of the down times
when the tears are being cried
when you curl up & think ur dying
no those r only snapshots in our minds
never forget a picture is worth 1,000 words

i have dreams displaced in time & space
i'm walking in my hometown
down the bottom of the hill on shady lane
towards the dead end
i see this surreal creepy house
surrounded my a wasteland
i am transported inside of it
running in crazy circles screaming to get out
what's it mean, i don't know
i can't even drive down that street
just in case the house is there
i don't want to know
a picture i took as a child
scares me so bad even though i'm an adult
some pictures are better left alone

i took your pictures and put them away
it's a waste to dwell so deep in the past
you forget there's a future ahead of you
but on miserable days i find myself
drawn to the closet
to the bottom of the shoe boxes
looking into your eyes
knowing this is as close to you
i'll ever get again.
bittersweet pictures bring the taste of my tears
to my lips

I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved. i listen to your passionate pleas. and i don't feel a damn thing. i shove you down and kick you for no reason. your tears make me angry and your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart. if you had loved me you would have stayed. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a murder mystery i've seen 1,000 times before. your charms can't heal my broken heart. there's no do over's. you took until i had nothing to give, i'm bankrupt so leave. you are nothing to me. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts carefully. i have only half of me to live from now. your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness. i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all the misery you brought to my door. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

i need time to heal. i need quiet to cry. i need to eat something. i need a quick fix. i need fire. i need love. i need feelings. i need a smile. you god damn, fucking, son of a bitch. i need to forget. give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get. god help me, i won't quit, until i don't need anyone. and i don't need you. until i don't need you. until i don't need you. i won't quit until i don't need you.

The Bad Guy

She's beautiful. I understand what you see in her. I tried to be a better woman. I was hoping you'd try to be a better man. But you fell into your desires, we've both been burnt by this wildfire.

it was the lack of words that spoke volumes to me. The missing clothes. The new cologne. All the signs were there but I didn't want to see where they were leading me to.

So who's the bad guy here? I blame you for being weak. You blame me for gaining weight. Whose right? And Whose Wrong? I like to wear black, so does that make me the bad guy?

She's young. I understand she makes you happy. Sometimes I can't believe you're walking away. Like the years together are erasable. Like my tears are invisible. I hear the bell tolling for the death of our love.

It was the mood swings that slapped the rose colored glasses of off my eyes. The way you'd run away from me. The calls taken outside in the freezing cold. All the signs pointing me down this lonely road.

So who's the bad guy here? I blame you for cheating. You blame me for berating you. Whose good? And whose evil? I like to turn your whites pink, so does that make me the bad guy?