Every Screw

i'm gonna climb the highest mountain and catch a ride on a shooting star.
i'm going to ride it until it falls.
i'll take this high until i crash and burn.
up i go with no safety net,
no hopes or dreams to catch,
i'll never accept i can shine.

bring me a piece of the sun.
close out this darkness.
hold onto your criticims.
i don't need an activist.
i won't reject you if you'll let me go.

i lost it back there.
i keep climbing stairs to nowhere.
my heart is smoking a special blend of fears.

the devil told me God didn't want me,
but yesterday i saw an angel smiling at me.
somewhere between my destruction and my salvation is where i can find what i need.

buy me a teflon soul.
let my nervous system reboot.
i didn't need a preacher.
your opinions are freely given,
but cost me all i hold dear.

i'm dancing across our history.
i feel like newly fallen snow my dog just shit on.
you never could let me slide.
you got to tighten every screw in my mind.

i can't forget the seeds you plant.
i got my weed whacker in shot glasses.
i'll cure this afflication until it kills you in my reflections.

i say crazy things and i mean them.
i deal in quantum madness.
multiply me by my infinite sadness.
the blackhole i've swallowed is turning me into you.
God forbid if there are two!

Overrated Kansas

is anybody out there?
what are you doing?
i'm trapped, wrapped, stamped defective.
i'm discarded, a human life wasted, oh the humanity!
i tried dialing 911 to help me escape, but i got a busy signal.

cover up your ears, i'm about to pop this bubble of ignorance.
my pain's boiling over.
my anger's rising to dangerous levels.
my explosion is imminent.
i put it off for far too long.
my volcano of pent up emotions is erupting.
i'm spewing all the feelings i was told i shouldn't have!

where's my yellow brick road?
toto shit in my ruby slippers.
the tin man took all my vicoden.
the scarecrow makes me itch
and i swear, if that lion bitches one more time, i'm hitting him!!!
my kansas was overrated.
my home was a womb of love, for years i was handled with kid gloves.
i was protected, doted on and adored, then the world came knocking on the door.

i met a boy and went straight to hell.
i took a whirlwind ride on the sin wagon.
i was flying high, out all night, having a hell of a time.
i was making every body who loved me cry.
my momma said, she's gone boy crazy.
my daddy just hung and shook his head.
my teachers said such a shame, she's so smart.
she was going to shine brighter then the brightest star.

i was my parent's whole universe when i went super nova baby.
got knocked up at 17, no time to make amends.
daddy's little angel got kicked out of heaven.
sh, don't tell. just hide yourself behind your hair.

i was so alone and scared.
everyone was staring at my bulging belly.
going to be a mom, i have no idea what's going on.
still in high school, kid's pointing, adults won't look me in the eye.
i'm now a fucking statistic, unwed, pregnant teenager.

my future just went on dim.
all because i met him.
he'd kiss my hand and stroke my hair.
he told me he loved me and like a starved ethopian,
i couldn't get enough of the bullshit he was feeding me.
we were doing it like rabbits and now i'm multiplying.
i found out he was lying.

there's no fairy tale here.
he's been to jail before, no license, no diploma, no job, no prospects.
just booze, cigerattes, and playing grab ass.
i was blinded by my lust for him., in my hormones i trusted.
now i'm totally fucked and stuck in a corner.
everyone's ashamed of me.
i'm the perfect example of the good girl gone bad.
now i'm a welfare mother walking down the high school halls,
wondering if i can even be a good mother when i'm just a kid myself?

(note - i got pregnant at 17. i now have a beautiful 20 year old daughter. i went to college. i got a degree. i make good money. i work hard. i never gave up. i did it all for her. she was my motivation, my inspiration, and i am hopelessly in love with her.)

Retreat

a great difficulty has arisen within me.
i am restless and wracked with worry.
it is because i need to be needed.
my soul is reaching out into the darkness,
but it only finds emptiness.
God created me, so he must need me!
why do i feel so alone?

i have withdrawn my affections from you.
i have bundled them up inside my heart.
i do not want to be rejected again.
my heart can not take much more heart ache.
angels do not communicate with me,
but i listen for the flutter of their wings every day.

a debilitating sadness has overcome me.
i am sorrowful and full of shame.
it is because i have no purpose.
my soul withers on the vine.
it is dying from having no one to love.
does God bring me this pain so i remember to love Him?

i have begun to build a wall around me.
i have shut off all my emotions.
i am imperfect and ugly.
my diseases infect others like a poison.
i have to hide myself away to save them.

a tremble ripples through my body.
there is no tidal wave of kindness to make me better.
every one knows i am defective.
even God averts His gave from my visage.
i have been cast out from His love.
i must retreat into myself
and try to overthrow my own rebellion.

Reunited

i learn something new every day.
my lines blur and cross, but i am stronger now.
my weaknesses are fading.
i gather my bad thoughts and tie them up with twine.
i set them on fire and watch the wind carry them away.
i keep the Holy Ghost close to my heart.
yes, i am stronger then i thought.

home isn't defined my walls and roofs.
my home is God's domain.
my soul lives to do his will.
i purify myself by my actions.
i see the path clearly now.
God is calling me home and where ever he wants me is where i must go.

i have forgiven myself because Jesus forgave my sins.
i can not linger on my past.
the future is brighter and lighter for me.
my tears served a purpose.
i had to cry so i could let go.
my internal compass points true north.

there is no doubt anymore.
God is my father.
Jesus is my savior.
the Holy Ghost is my guide.

i will never get lost again.
i've given up trying to steer.
i go where the spirit tells me to go.
if i get confused, i am a prayer away from clarity.

my hands work in unison with God's angels.
this joy is the greatest i've ever known.
i spent years making what is simple complicated,
but now i'm reunited with my Lord!

Thank You for it All.

i went to sit outside because i need the sun.
i got to thinking about what else i need.
i need the sun because i'm low on vitamin d.
i can't see this need, but it's in my blood,
like how i need Jesus' sacrifice to return to God.

i can't plead ignorance.
i can't deny his existence.
the years i wasted running away from the truth.
there's only one thing i have left to do,
accept my eternal destiny and be blessed.

i have been foolish.
i have been reckless.
my youth left scars far deeper then the ones you can see.
you took from me more then i thought i could bare,
but you blessed me more then i ever knew.
your spirit was there to comfort me in my darkest hour.
all you've ever shown me is love.

i can't turn away.
i can't be afraid.
i still have time to make amends.
there's only one thing i haven't done.
i get on my knees, bow my head
and say a prayer to thank you for it all!

for the good and the bad,
for all the angels you sent to help me along the way,
for your patience,
this life i have now i'd never change.
no matter how destructive i got to be,
you never gave up on me.
thank you God.
thank you for it all!

Not Sad and Not Mad (Amen)

i am falling, helplessly, calling for an angel to catch me.
i was wondering where i was going when you stopped to talk to me.
i was feeling lower then low the day we met through pure happenstance.

and

i'm not sad and i'm not mad.
these things will pass.
i won't worry about your past.
i've put these issues into the proper hands.
now i've just got to say amen, amen, amen.

i'm searching, endlessly reaching out for you to take my hand.
i am seeking to understand where you are coming from.
you are feeling lost but i swear to you my heart remains true to you.

and

you're not mad and you're not sad.
we both know these things will pass.
we can't waste our time worrying about the past.
we've put this in the proper hands.
now say it with me, amen, amen, amen.

we're hoping, strongly believing, God will see us through.
together we are blazing a brand new trail.
we build our future as one renewed in faith.
we are feeling optimistic and joyful because we know it's simple.

and

we don't get sad and we don't get mad.
we turn to the Lord to set us free.
we listen to that still small voice to guide us where we need to be.
you can never go wrong if you put your problems in God's hands.
all you to do is lift up your troubles and say amen, amen, amen.

Mary's Kiss

my heathen ways have stolen my wings.
God left me a note.
it told me to take a stand
and walk through the darkness into the sunshine.
the doubt burning inside of my mind went out.
i began to pull the weeds of sin that had overgrown my soul.
i found the less talking i did the more peaceful i became.

i was holding onto a rope that was not tied down.
i had an old rusty lock on my heart.
i used God's words like a gun to shoot the lock off
and open my heart back up to feel love.

i got my wings back on a hot summer's eve.
an angel dragged them back to me.
they were torn and held together with pieces of string,
but Mary kissed them so i could fly again.

i used to worry every week if i could survive one more day.
i leaned on the government's of man to do my thinking,
but i always found myself lost and forsaken.
i shifted my thoughts to pick up on heavenly council.
now i'm zipping along following God's compass.

my spiritual ways are erasing all of my pains.
God and I are walking amongst the flowers together.
my heart is light with joy
and my soul radiates from his blessings.
accepting Jesus' sacrifice was the only way to fix me.

Jigsaw

the red upon the wall.
the blue shifting across the skies.
the thoughts crawling in my mind.
the feelings rushing up my spine.
the music driving my hands.
i'm a piece to a puzzle.
no one knows how i go together.

those words i utter make them gape and stare.
such a sweet girl.
so lost.
so confused.
every time they say it i laugh until i cry.
this myth that proceeds me turns on others sympathy.

people around me lay it out thick as molasses.
our society loves the tragic stories.
the community needs a rally
and i'm the cause of the day.
a precious soul that needs to be saved.
so grab a ribbon, it's a parade!
i smile big for the camera,
so every one can get a perfect picture.

they'll beg and cry for someone to tell them my secrets.
but i never told a soul.
i held on to myself and performed so many other roles.
no one knows.
i walked until i wore out the sole of my shoes.
i abandoned all of them,
but they were smothering me.

now their fear is at it's worst.
the concern for me overwhelming them.
i went and lost myself for real this time.
but now i have to play another role
to justify my abandonment of them.
i'll shift the blame away from me,
but no one believes me.
and for the first time i fall on my face.
an utter disgrace.

they have to admit they are sick of my games.
they'll have to admit me,
but they need to convince me.
i was never an angel,
but to them i have fallen out of the sky.
their pain is real, but i still don't think i have to explain why.

When I Go

i find time to do nothing
i look around for something i can't remember what
you think i linger too much
on heartache and sorrow
you find me repeative and boring
i wish i could be as articulate as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into that nothingness you insist is
our destination
we just die. no heaven. no hell.
just leave behind our empty shell to cease
i'll find out when you do
cuz when i go i'll take you with me

i am a liar
i am less of a person
and more of a sorry excuse
you think i should go out and live
you say i need to embrace the day
i wish i could be as brave as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into the hole 6 feet down into the cold
rotting flesh of the dead
we just die. no spirit world. no afterlife.
just bodies turning back into dirt
i'll make sure we can both know the truth
cuz when i go i'm taking you with me

when i see the light
i hope you don't
when i hear the angels sing
i hope you hear the devil's laughter
when you and i don't believe the same
and nothing i say persuades you
there's only one thing i can do
when i die i'm taking you with me
so i can say i told u so...

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.

A Friend Named Angel

i once had a friend named angel
she could be sweet as heaven
she ended up being the devil
i met my daughter's father
hanging out with her
i told her everything about me
even what i didn't know
she turned on me and i was lost

the sweetest angel in heaven
versus the angel i knew
the bloody battle would draw
a crowd of gawkers
but i know who has lost and who has won
i have my baby and that's all that matters

the games we play some enjoy more then others
that laugh and smile angel had
charmed so many until they were blinded
i was one but the glass shattered
when she told so many lies about me
there was no truth for her to uphold
i was happy and she wasn't
that's all the motive she required
to spread her poison from ear to ear

i once had a friend named angel
she could be sweet as heaven
she ended up being the devil.