I'm Depressed.

i'm depressed. i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
i lay in bed unwilling to move.
each day is full of endless seconds without you.
i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
what's the point of telling me you love me,
when you just left me cold and alone?

i'm depressed. i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
i shove food in my mouth hoping to fill the hole you left inside of me.
i am unmotivated and uninterested.
what used to enthrall me, bores me now.
when you cut me off you cut out my heart too!

i'm depressed. i confess the pills aren't effective.
i feel the slide down the slope of despair picking up speed.
every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
i try to occupy these hollow hours where you used to be,
but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

i'm depressed. you'd laugh and declare me a drama queen.
i miss the little things, that annoyed me the most.
do you feel better now?
or like me, are you still trying to exorcise the ghost of us?
i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
you felt otherwise, because you don't answer my calls.

i'm depressed. i only hope time will undo my emotional mess!

Crumbs

crumbs on my sweater make me laugh.
age hasn't made me any neater.
i'm clumsy and weak.
you'd never believe all of my stories.
the times i have just fallen over
or the black eye i got from a carton of ice cream.

i'm packing up my emotional baggage
it's going on vacation.
somewhere nice, so it can relax.
it's been burned out for a long time.
i'm gonna miss it, but not the bitterness that went with it.

crumbs on the desk make me smile.
i'm always making a mess.
i'm content and fat.
you'd never guess i'm germ-a-phobic.
the way i avoid public restrooms
and won't eat at a buffet.

i'm discarding my mental defects.
they're going to retire.
somewhere far away from here,
so they can't come back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna worry about them anymore.

crumbs all over the place.
it's just who i am.
so much more then how i eat.
i need to give myself a break.
i need to leave crumbs,
so i can always find my way back.

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

Pander to Me

Cookies, cakes, brownies and pies are all the things I love
Chocolate, Dr. Pepper, donuts and ice cream are all the things I crave.
Mac and cheese, cheesy fries, cheese coneys, and a big bacon classic with cheese are all the things that go straight to my hips.
These lips of mine keep sinking me deeper into this quagmire of fat.
I’m stuck in a vicious calorie cycle. Gluttony for one coming up.

I want my baby back, baby back ribs.
Where’s the beef?
Hershey’s is happiness?
B O L O G N A?
Be you, do what you do!!!

I hear it everyday. I see it everywhere. Pander to me. Pander to me.

Sell me what I don’t need.
Brainwash me to believe I have to caress before I dress.
And that calgon will take it all away.
Credit cards are the way to pay.
Yes, yes, it’s the American way.

Pander to me. Pander to me. Pander to me. I like it that way.

Zingers, Ho Ho’s, and Oreo Cakester’s Oh My!

Lately, I've been swallowing my sorrow in the shape and form of many a chocolate treat. The concept of the treats are the same. They are all chocolate. They are all fattening. They are all the best invention since sliced bread. I wish I could blame PMS but that's a week or so away. I wish I could say I'm horribly depressed, but I smiled and laughed today. I wish they had no calories. The zingers I adore. The creamy dreamy middle's that send my taste buds into heaven. The cool glass of skim milk that washes it all down, doesn't make the chocolate oreo cakester's a well balanced meal. I've bought the hostess cupcakes on a whim. I resisted the little debbie fudge rounds, but succumbed to nutter butter's instead. Oh, when will this cornucopia of chocolate end?

I do love chocolate, but it doesn't love me. My hips are wider, the numbers on the scale are climbing higher, and my cravings are louder then ever before. What chocolate treat shall i seek out next. I must control myself. I must withhold that which i cannot resist and learn to go without chocolate to exist.

I am a choc-aholic. I'm Shannon and I approve this message.