Fear and Soap

Another day that looks and feels the same as any other day.

My heart is cold.

My body is hot.

Summer approaches with it's blistering and unforgiving sun.

It's hard to hide when your world is in the spotlight.

Everyone is a judge.

I want to lie in my bed forever.

I want to be buried on it still under the covers.



So young. So bitter.

So sweet. So jaded.

I think too hard.

The race of thoughts in my head has stopped.

But I didn't win.

Every pill I pop is supposed to be a miracle.

But I'm still depressed.

Most days I don't bother with getting dressed.



The pressure to hurry up and get better is leaving me

more neurotic then ever.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was my neurosis.

I've been mentally dysfunctional since I was a little girl.

I can't even remember being normal.



Little bits and pieces of moments etched into my brain have

made me who I am today.

I'm a giant ugly unfinished quilt that is unraveling fast.

I'm remembering the stupidest stuff.

My past failures are piling up.

The memories cling to me and I can't wash them off.

I end up smelling like fear and soap.



I'm losing hope that this curse will never be lifted.

And the voices in my head will eventually win.

Others compare my disorder to theirs like two people

commenting on the weather.

So, I'm not alone.

This should help, but it doesn't.

I still feel isolated and guilty so guilty.



Like a good christian i've built my own cross to carry,

Until it's time to crucify me.

I feel that day is closing in on me.

I'm weak.

I can't handle the pain.

I'm crushed by my burdens.

I'm unable to help those I love because I can't help myself.



I'm standing on emotional quicksand.

It's sucking me in and it won't let go.

Every time I think I am moving forward I realize

I'm really walking backwards.

I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but that's all i do anymore

is let everyone down.

It hurts to hear their deep sighs as they let their

expectations for me go.



I want to be who I used to be.

But it's been forever since I saw her in the mirror.

I think she's left me too.

All I am is crazy these days.

I take 10 showers a day with all kinds of wonderful

smelling soaps but I still reek of fear.

Today (The Shifting Perspective)

today i can see my life for years behind and forward.
how i've been wrong and how i've been right.
the choice i've made good and bad.
the bridges i burnt down.
clarity swallows me and i drown into haunted memories.

tomorrow is coming around.
i want to change course but i'm clueless.
i've been lonely so long i forget how to belong.
take a turn on the what could have been wheel.
try to remember what is like to love.
how to feel the warmth of a someones touch.
i wish i could cleanse my soul with tears but they don't come anymore.

i've dried up into a wrinkled, dark spotted flesh.
i need to know if i ever cross your mind
or am i thrown away like a piece of junk mail.
these wandering thoughts echo in my empty heart.
i found a pill that destroys my pain,
but there aren't enough to eliminate everything.

today doesn't mark any anniversary.
there's nothing special about my misery.
all these years i've tried to be the good girl.
now i see i never was good.
the mask never took hold of me.
i'm so sorry, i don't know how to make this right.

tomorrow is always on its way.
i can't stop it nor do i want it.
here and now is the best second.
i have it all in my head.
i'm afraid i'll forget.
i have this chance to take care of you instead of me.
i've run out of lies on this rope i've hung myself out to dry.

me and my fears have had an epic love affair.
now i need to see what life is like when you let go.
i need to know if time can truly heal
or will your face continue to taunt me forever.
all my dreams have collapsed into me.
everyone stares as i supernova.
everybody loves to watch when it's not their heart breaking into dust!

You're The Man

my heart draws closer to you.
i'm not afraid anymore!
i'm looking into your hazel eyes with those gold flecks just lost in the moment.
we lean into each other; i'm breathing your breath!
this turn of events saved me from being depressed.
i was on the verge of surrendering to the darkness within me.
your smile lit back up my world!
you're the man i want to love for the rest of my life!

i can't keep this grin off of my face.
every one wants to tear us down.
every clown wants me to wear a frown.
i take their two cents and give them three cents back.
i don't care what they think; i only care about you!
you're the man that i'll keep!

i'm mesmerized by your casual off-handed comments.
if you say you'll never leave i'll believe.
you worry about me and i'll worry about you.
i see the road ahead so clearly with you.
we're going at warp speed but it's what we need.
you're the man i would say i do to!

if you forget i love you i'll remind you.
when life gets rough i'll hold on tighter.
i want to build the future together.
we can create an inferno with our love's fire!
i'll never forget the day we met.
give me your heart and we'll never part.
i know how hard it is to keep love alive,
but you're the man worth the fight!

Marriage and Crazy Bombs

my heart is heavy with love for you.
every time you enter me it feel like the first time.
i can't tell you enough how much i need you.
if i affirm your hold on me, will you stay?

i have to touch you when you are near, it's a reflex.
last night i cried and my knees gave out on me!
no man has ever given me this level of pleasure before.
you break me down then build me up even higher.

you mentioned marriage and crazy bombs last night.
i can't believe marriage is on your mind!
the only crazy thing i got in my head right now is your dick!
i'm not perfect, but you are the best anti-depressant i've ever been on!

you treat me with affection and respect.
your touch is perfection, your kiss brings me bliss.
you never miss the mark; you know my heart!
i can't wait to bare your child!
i can't wait to see you hold her!
to know the two of us created her out of our love for each other!
my hopes soar when i'm with you.

you say you'll never let me go.
you talk about me dumping you, but that's something i'd never do!
i finally know where i belong.
i can't wait to jump into your arms.

i'm all in and ready to roll.
whatever you want; whatever you need;
i'm here to help you feel as alive as you make me!
this is forever - you and i - this is right!

Drink It Away

i abandoned my pants in the hallway;
the contents of my stomach are in the toilet.
my body is trying to get this poison out of me, but i don't quit.
i want the alcohol to bring me oblivion.
i'm going to drink it away.

the thoughts slow down to one at a time.
my mind is wrapped up in a warm fog.
i see but i don't feel.
i take another shot to kill all the pain i got.
i'm going to drink it away.

the days and nights pass me by in a haze.
my compulsions to touch you are buried under booze.
if i begin to move, i pour one more.
one day i won't need this crutch.
one day i'll drink away the memory of your touch.

you are all i think about.
you are consuming me.
you told me i hurt you, but you hurt me too.
we were pure, but i always feel dirty.
i got jealous and tired of being runner up to her.
i'm going to drink it away.

this rejection burns as i swallow another one down.
my desire's flame is being doused by the whiskey's sting.
why'd i let you in because now i can't get you out.
i feel like i'm bleeding to death.
life is love and love is pain.
i will drink it away!

It Hurts

my life has been swallowed by my fantasies.
i don't want to be brave.
i want to run!
i want to hide!
life has become a burden.
i want to escape reality and it hurts.

i wonder throughout the sterile hallways of my brain.
i continue to search for my happiness, but it hurts.
i've closed off my emotions.
i can't afford the luxury of falling in love and it hurts.

my hopes rise too easily and my hopes burn out too quickly.
i have 100% turn around.
i know my life wasn't always a merry-go-round of pain.
i can't rewind me and it hurts.

i want him to want to be with me.
i shouldn't have to beg, lie, or plea.
i see his light and i'm greedy.
i want to be in his spotlight, but that's not what we are.
he's not that into me and it hurts.

my destiny has to be more then lying around in my PJ's all day.
i swear i'm beginning to understand what the dog is saying.
i'm all alone and it hurts.
my world is shrinking and it hurts.

Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

Rain Rain Go Away

it's raining outside,
it's pouring in my mind.
gray, black, and white splashes of ominous emotions float quickly through me.
who was i to you?

scenes in my head play out like a black comedy.
i played your game without the rules.
i lost.
are you amused?

knowing me like you thought you did,
you never guessed i'd hit the fan.
i couldn't keep from talking.
yeah, i ran my damn mouth.
it amazes me how long i kept it shut,
that's how much i loved you until you broke my heart.

the air is cooling down like my desire for you.
the passion has burnt itself out.
i've gone no where but i never hear from you.
do you think about me anymore?

i've taken all the pain and wrote it down.
i've filled hundreds of pages and it keeps coming.
i should put them in a book and send it to your woman.
would that piss you off?

you always called me crazy.
you always lectured me on who to be.
i wasn't good enough for you.
i would never be her.
i should've known i'd be the one dumped on my ass.
but i kept loving you until you broke my heart.

So Damn Cool!

i'm unable to see where we went wrong.
we've crossed over the road we should be on.
i won't hesitate to tell you what i think.
i know you think it's too late.
i can forgive if you can forget.
i want to glue all these pieces of us back together again.

listen to my praryers.
all i've had for company since you left,
is the Father, His son and the Holy Ghost.
And you only believe in one of those.
I'm no one, but i want to be someone.
when we were at our best no one could tear us down.

i confess i'm a mess.
my ability to handle this is gone.
by my words and hurtful actions i've left myself depressed.
i feel vunerable and confused, but you seem so damn cool!
like none of this bullshit ever effects you.

tell me what you want to hear,
please, make it very clear.
i know you're never coming back.
i'll just have to adapt.
it wouldn't bother me so much if you could act like you cared.
i guess i do see where we went wrong.

Overrated Kansas

is anybody out there?
what are you doing?
i'm trapped, wrapped, stamped defective.
i'm discarded, a human life wasted, oh the humanity!
i tried dialing 911 to help me escape, but i got a busy signal.

cover up your ears, i'm about to pop this bubble of ignorance.
my pain's boiling over.
my anger's rising to dangerous levels.
my explosion is imminent.
i put it off for far too long.
my volcano of pent up emotions is erupting.
i'm spewing all the feelings i was told i shouldn't have!

where's my yellow brick road?
toto shit in my ruby slippers.
the tin man took all my vicoden.
the scarecrow makes me itch
and i swear, if that lion bitches one more time, i'm hitting him!!!
my kansas was overrated.
my home was a womb of love, for years i was handled with kid gloves.
i was protected, doted on and adored, then the world came knocking on the door.

i met a boy and went straight to hell.
i took a whirlwind ride on the sin wagon.
i was flying high, out all night, having a hell of a time.
i was making every body who loved me cry.
my momma said, she's gone boy crazy.
my daddy just hung and shook his head.
my teachers said such a shame, she's so smart.
she was going to shine brighter then the brightest star.

i was my parent's whole universe when i went super nova baby.
got knocked up at 17, no time to make amends.
daddy's little angel got kicked out of heaven.
sh, don't tell. just hide yourself behind your hair.

i was so alone and scared.
everyone was staring at my bulging belly.
going to be a mom, i have no idea what's going on.
still in high school, kid's pointing, adults won't look me in the eye.
i'm now a fucking statistic, unwed, pregnant teenager.

my future just went on dim.
all because i met him.
he'd kiss my hand and stroke my hair.
he told me he loved me and like a starved ethopian,
i couldn't get enough of the bullshit he was feeding me.
we were doing it like rabbits and now i'm multiplying.
i found out he was lying.

there's no fairy tale here.
he's been to jail before, no license, no diploma, no job, no prospects.
just booze, cigerattes, and playing grab ass.
i was blinded by my lust for him., in my hormones i trusted.
now i'm totally fucked and stuck in a corner.
everyone's ashamed of me.
i'm the perfect example of the good girl gone bad.
now i'm a welfare mother walking down the high school halls,
wondering if i can even be a good mother when i'm just a kid myself?

(note - i got pregnant at 17. i now have a beautiful 20 year old daughter. i went to college. i got a degree. i make good money. i work hard. i never gave up. i did it all for her. she was my motivation, my inspiration, and i am hopelessly in love with her.)

The Day after Mania

my energy bubble has popped.
yesterday i couldn't be stopped.
today every happy thought i had got its knee caps whacked.
my sleep brought shifting dreams that were jacked.
i cannot escape the dark side of me.

my hyper balloon has deflated.
my joyous mood got concatenated.
my ipod is back to songs that are mellow.
the voices in my head are back in tune with the cello.
i cannot swim against the sad rip tide.

my optimistic glasses got sat on and broken.
too many words got spoken.
i asked for honesty.
now i feel like a travesty.
i am harboring my own criminal.

my whirling dervish has collapsed.
i've had a depressive relapse.
there are many people now dazed and confused.
they are no longer amused.
i've split myself in two!

my speeding mind has crashed.
the manic feelings have ben stashed.
i do enjoy my up days,
but when they pass i pay!
the cycle has bested my control again.

I'm Depressed.

i'm depressed. i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
i lay in bed unwilling to move.
each day is full of endless seconds without you.
i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
what's the point of telling me you love me,
when you just left me cold and alone?

i'm depressed. i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
i shove food in my mouth hoping to fill the hole you left inside of me.
i am unmotivated and uninterested.
what used to enthrall me, bores me now.
when you cut me off you cut out my heart too!

i'm depressed. i confess the pills aren't effective.
i feel the slide down the slope of despair picking up speed.
every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
i try to occupy these hollow hours where you used to be,
but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

i'm depressed. you'd laugh and declare me a drama queen.
i miss the little things, that annoyed me the most.
do you feel better now?
or like me, are you still trying to exorcise the ghost of us?
i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
you felt otherwise, because you don't answer my calls.

i'm depressed. i only hope time will undo my emotional mess!

How I Know

it hurts a little bit less today.
my dreams last night were free of you.
i can smile and it reaches my eyes.
my heartbeats don't echo anymore.
time is working her magic on my wounded soul.
that's how i know i'm getting over you!

my focus is back.
i can concentrate on work again.
my days don't drag on without end.
my mind doesn't race when i go to bed.
seasons are changing and so am i.
that's how i know i can live without you!

every song no longer reminds me of you.
i can laugh and enjoy a conversation now.
my tears have dried up.
i don't feel depressed anymore.
the roads are wide open.
that's how i know i will be okay!

three months ago i was devastated.
my heart torn into pieces.
my soul howling with pain.
every breathe a struggle.
i thought a day like today would never come, but it has.
and that's how i know loving you didn't kill me after all!

Dim

i wish life was easy for me.
i've used up all my get out of jail free cards.
now i'm watching the clock wind down.
i'm not sure if dying would be such a bad thing,
since the life i'm living isn't much.
only two people would miss me anyways.

i've put myself on cruise control.
my mind is playing tricks on me.
i thought i already wrote this down,
but the piece of paper couldn't be found.

i hate every day now.
i want to change, as long as it's free.
today i can't afford to exist.
every breath costs me fify cents.
i'm ready to go out of business.
it's time to close out this mess.

i'm not big on optimism.
i wallow in misery.
my happy dreams dangle in front of me,
like a carrot on a stick to a horse.
i keep stepping forward with no ambition.
i know i'll never win.
losing has become my best friend.

i don't know where this is going.
i swear i had a point when i began.
but it fled my brain and now the ink runs red.
i wish i could be brilliant,
but my light has always been set to dim.

Scheduled Twinkies

i can't clear my brain long enough to have a thought.
pain envelopes everything i got.
i'd swallow a river of pills to drown my diseased bod.

my life is divided into the happy and the pain.
i spend more time on the dark side of my brain.
scattered to the wind on impulses whim,
i have no control when i'm without him.

i'm staring down the barrel of misery.
wondering when life will blow up in my hands.
one hour i'm up and then six i'm down.
i'm biding my time until i crash and burn.

i'm torching pieces of my soul as i go.
tearing into my reasons like fresh twinkies,
i devour what's left of my control.
i line up all my happy thoughts along the wall,
i execute them one by one until they're gone.

i wish i could block off my emotions,
like blocks of time on my calendar.
i could schedule my breakdowns inbetween meetings.
i'd pick Monday's to be perky.
Tuesday's I could be moody.
Wednesday could be neutral ground.
Thursday's I can space out a bit.
Friday I'd be down with it.
Saturday's I'd be the toast of the town.
And Sunday I'd wrap up and hide in my tears.

My mind is controlled by a remote I don't have access to.
so I go around surprising everyone.
even i get exasperated by how my mood turns on a dime.
i try to selectively remember the good times,
but the bad ones are on an infinite loop.

my pain and my fear eclipse what joy i come by.
pain and love hurt me the same.
one i can avoid and the other never leaves.
i wanted more, but i could settle for one day of predictabilty.

How do you do!

my name is shannon.
how do you do.
i'm horribly blue.
i had a man who wasn't true.
he left me broken into bits unlike you.

he wrapped me around his penis.
stripped away all of my good senses.
i couldn't see the ledge i was on until i fell into pieces.

i like to say i was shocked,
but i knew he'd knock me out of his park.
his mind spins count clockwise to mine.
he wouldn't agree to be my valentine.

love is like a jack in the box.
you can try to anticipate it,
but you still jump when it pops up.

i thought i had a handle on him.
my feelings sucker punched me.
out of thin air i fell in love with him.

how do you do.
i'm the fool that fell for a tin man
and i don't own an oil can.

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

God has Me on Mute

The TV ain't gonna save me and God has me on mute!
This road I've been driving on washed out right in front of me.
I can't see where to go. I have no GPS to know the way.
This world has me confused, but that's not hard to do.

I want a little piece of peace inside my mind.
I want a little bite of love inside my heart.
I want a little bit of happiness inside my soul.
What's it to want a little up when all I feel is down?

Bring me peace.
Bring me love.
Bring me happiness.
Bring me a reason to stay.

The dog really isn't God and I can't buy a cure when my money is all gone.
I tried to fly but I never left the ground.
When I ran I tripped. I drowned on my own blood.
I've gotten confused, but that's not hard to do.

Monochrome

I am monochromatic today.
From my boots to my roots,
I am a variety of beige.
My flesh and my underthings
All play off the same color today.

From sober and heavy,
To Light and airy,
Beige blends and transcends,
I'm draped in a monochromatic blend.
Sepia tones address
My blandest mood depresses.

The sky is dark.
The rain is clear.
And I am 10 types of brown.
From the bark of the trees
To the ground,
I've honed into this frequency
of a polychrome delinquency.

I am monochromatic today.
Hear my monotone voice.
Feel the calm of the dull.
Embrace the fawn inside.
And let your inner taupe define
Another boring day on the outside.