I Die!

i am filled with sorrow
my physical pain is great
i weep

i'm afraid of burning in hell
my temptations are overcoming me
i fornicate

i am repentant
my disease is not permanent
i indulge

i am lost
my spirit is downcast
i ponder

i am weak in flesh
my sins invaded every cell
i cave

i'm defiled by my own hands
my useless desires do me in
i isolate

i am ashamed
my bed has stains
i deny

i am a reprobate
my behavior has lost me my savior
i drink

i'm acting like a fool
my sex drive makes me a tool
i covet

i am looking back to where i started
my progress has disappeared
i repeat

i am embarassed
my life is meaningless
i lie

i'm hiding in the house
my heart can't figure this out
i panic

i am going to stay here
my movements cease
i die!

Break Me

it's just another song
another destiny unfullfilled
i'm the one left behind
i keep searching but time is coming after me
i'll end up in the ground with all my dreams still floating around

my heart is beating
my mind is thinking
but i'm circling the wheel
never further in this cycle then before
my passage blocked by invisible fears
i'm not clever enough to break free
i want to break me

it's nothing new
it's everywhere
my orginality is a figment of my imagination
i am what you see
it's a joke to think i'd be more
i gather these doubts like flowers
and arrange them to seem less
but there's alway more to be found

my heart is dying
my mind is lying
but i move as if nothing is wrong
i'm always keeping fantasy between me and the brickwall
i'll crash and burn someday
but let me have this moment of denial
because i think i can break free
i think i can break me

break me down to the beginning
collapse my illusions
let me find my inner friend
break me so i know how to heal
break me so i cry until it no longer hurts
break me until i'm free
let me break free of all these memories haunting me

Carpe Diem, Damn!

now is not the time to be serious.
now is not the time to be weak.
i must pull myself together.
i am not going to weep!

now is not the time to compromise.
now is not the time to empathize.
i must put a smile on my face.
i am not going to cave!

i can not think about tomorrow.
i can not handle the future.
i have to hold on to my illusions.
carpe diem, damn!
carpe diem, damn!
i will seize this day even if it kills me.

now is not the time to make plans.
now is not the time to make amends.
i must be strong.
i do not care who is right or wrong!

now is not the time to analyze.
now is not the time to tear apart my heart.
i must be smart.
i do not want to go back to the start!

i can not dream of happily ever afters.
i am unable to see ahead.
i am here and it is now.
carpe diem, damn!
carpe diem, damn!
i am going to make the best of this day even if i am dying inside.

i will seize the day.
damn, i am crying again!

Onward Ho!

my intellect has saved me a time or two,
but my heart screws me over every time with you.
take a drink from my cup.
split our assests in half.
leave me your old jacket to button up.
all the memories wash over me.
i can't think myself out of this one.

my heart fully committed
and now i'm alone sweeping up it's pieces off the floor.
going back to the day you slammed the door on me and you.
the pain has its phases,
denial, anger, grief, and bitterness;
all alcohol and pill fueled.
only time seems to ease this tragedy.

i keep looking back.
i'm missing what i have.
it's right for me to bury this hatchet you gave me.
my brain's on board with my moving onward plan.
but my heart still clings to the hope,
you and i will get back together someday.

A Bunch of Words

uninspired
depressed
worthless
feelings as words collapse me inward

doubts
fears
disappointments
all that i have makes me see what i lack

i'm caught up in a game i don't know how to win
i twisted my arm, but i can't forgive
i have two left shoes on
that's the way love dresses me

cold
gray
windy
mother nature matches my mood

slippery
icy
steep
i'm sick of falling down the slopes i'm on

i'm overwhelmed to the point of implosion
i want to runaway to find some sun
the car is out of gas
i guess i'm stuck here in my best dress

nothing
empty
closed
it all adds up to a negative

denial
broken
shattered
i can't make sense of this

i'm not looking for a ten
i thought for once i got lucky
but this is just a bunch of words
that never add up to a life that's worthy

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.