Murder Me with Mercy

plain white paper brings dreaded news.
you feel helpless knowing you're at the end of the rope.
plastered inside your mind are terrible deaths.
you have created by osmosis your hated "ID".
self-betrayal without premeditation is murder 2.
most get out in 7-15 years, but i got a life sentence.

can you hear? can you see? can you feel my agony?
we and i boil down to alone.
trim off the fat surrounding my bones,
maybe i'm still alive under the debris.
i hope for another love, but pray i'll die free.

perilous decisions lead me to the ledge
if i don't jump i'll be wondering if it was him
but if it take the plunge and it blows up,
there'll be a fall out i am too broken to cover up.
fragile is a bad mixture for a lonely cocktail
my heart overflows with my self-pity,
a vast well barely tapped, it'll drain out upon my death.

look and listen to me carefully.
i have problems, but i set them aside easily.
i'm too tortured to be me.
i live off my own negative energy.
will you help me if i scream?

murder me with mercy.
strangle me with kindness.
force feed me some confidence.
all i know is i never change.
i ping pong back and forth between bittersweet depression
and the honeymoon of my addictions.
i have no choices so it's a done deal.
i'll be me and all of you will leave me the fuck alone!

Justice

fear, it lives, it breathes, it wraps itsefl arond me.
i strangle. i choke. i suffocate.
i am a sentient being.

doubt, it thrives, it grows, it divides me in two.
i sink. i struggle. i drown.
i am a creature of God's design.

my heart is in the hands of the Holy Ghost.
i tend to my wandering soul.
my path of pleasure led me straight to pain.
my integrity sold at a bargain basement price.
i relied on my own judgements to live.
i built my own personalized Hell one sin at a time.
i felt my rebellion just, but justice never came.

mercy, it exists, it fulfills, it gives of itself freely.
i beg. i receive. i give.
i am a candle of the Lord.

love, it binds, it cures, it takes away all the hurt.
i want. i need. i have.
i am a child of God.

my heart has been cleansed by God's command.
i aligned myself with His commandments.
my life begins where my sins died.
i can no longer seperate myself from Him.
this new life feels strange to me,
but my thoughts are pure and strong.
i abandoned my revolt and justce finally came.

Leftover Mentality

i look at myself through stangers' eyes
and i realize i live my life with a leftover mentality.
i don't think i deserve anything new.
i buy second hand clothes, used cars, and repurposed furniture.
i try to take what has been neglected,
even when i have money i feel poor.

my newly uncovered flaw
shows me my greastest weakness of all;
i can't bestow kindness upon myself.
i believe in forgiving others debts,
but the message i've forgotten is to be merciful to myself.

i use my own emotions against me.
i weld my fear like a weapon,
going on the defensive when someone gets to close to home.
i bad mouth myself all the time.
it's hard to be thankful when i am the problem.

i have to let my inner hatred die.
inside my soul i have faith,
faith i am a good person.
i have to free myself from the chains i created.
i have to find my passion for living again!