A Colony of One

you'd think with all the hearts i've been through,
i'd learn a thing or two about love.
i'm surprised by the outcome every time.
i've established a perimeter around my heart.
i will defend it until i die.
no one is getting behind my lines!

i'm emotionally challenged
and sexually damaged.
i can't translate body language.
my eyes are transperant,
because my soul has grown cold.

calm down, panic serves no purpose.
the sun will come up tomorrow.
i have assembled a shield of steel.
i would recommend you retreat.
there's no shame in giving up.

i never reach critical mass.
my mask is super glued to my face.
my flesh is covered with scars of my past.
i feel no pain, like a leper, my system is numb.
i reside in a colony of one
and right now i feel it is over crowded.

Leftover Mentality

i look at myself through stangers' eyes
and i realize i live my life with a leftover mentality.
i don't think i deserve anything new.
i buy second hand clothes, used cars, and repurposed furniture.
i try to take what has been neglected,
even when i have money i feel poor.

my newly uncovered flaw
shows me my greastest weakness of all;
i can't bestow kindness upon myself.
i believe in forgiving others debts,
but the message i've forgotten is to be merciful to myself.

i use my own emotions against me.
i weld my fear like a weapon,
going on the defensive when someone gets to close to home.
i bad mouth myself all the time.
it's hard to be thankful when i am the problem.

i have to let my inner hatred die.
inside my soul i have faith,
faith i am a good person.
i have to free myself from the chains i created.
i have to find my passion for living again!

Spoon Feed Me

hopeless romantic, i am,
but all you see is a sentimental fool.
i had thought time would change your mind,
but time is running into your defenses.
no words that i can say will ever be enough
to turn your head my way.
my only card to play would be to help you
out of financial ruin,
ironic, because i'm broke myself.

tonight i don't want to fight.
i'd love for you to hold me tight.
i know your love is an illusion
that i covet more then gold.
bring me my dreams and spoon feed them to me,
lay on a silver platter so you can serve me.

optimistic dreamer i am,
but all you hear is a nonsensical believer.
i imagined us together living happily ever after,
but you're halfway out the door.
there's no action i can take to persuade you to stay.
the only card i have left in my hand is the one i'm afraid to play.
ironic, because when i'm with you i feel fearless.