Murder Me with Mercy

plain white paper brings dreaded news.
you feel helpless knowing you're at the end of the rope.
plastered inside your mind are terrible deaths.
you have created by osmosis your hated "ID".
self-betrayal without premeditation is murder 2.
most get out in 7-15 years, but i got a life sentence.

can you hear? can you see? can you feel my agony?
we and i boil down to alone.
trim off the fat surrounding my bones,
maybe i'm still alive under the debris.
i hope for another love, but pray i'll die free.

perilous decisions lead me to the ledge
if i don't jump i'll be wondering if it was him
but if it take the plunge and it blows up,
there'll be a fall out i am too broken to cover up.
fragile is a bad mixture for a lonely cocktail
my heart overflows with my self-pity,
a vast well barely tapped, it'll drain out upon my death.

look and listen to me carefully.
i have problems, but i set them aside easily.
i'm too tortured to be me.
i live off my own negative energy.
will you help me if i scream?

murder me with mercy.
strangle me with kindness.
force feed me some confidence.
all i know is i never change.
i ping pong back and forth between bittersweet depression
and the honeymoon of my addictions.
i have no choices so it's a done deal.
i'll be me and all of you will leave me the fuck alone!

Retreat

a great difficulty has arisen within me.
i am restless and wracked with worry.
it is because i need to be needed.
my soul is reaching out into the darkness,
but it only finds emptiness.
God created me, so he must need me!
why do i feel so alone?

i have withdrawn my affections from you.
i have bundled them up inside my heart.
i do not want to be rejected again.
my heart can not take much more heart ache.
angels do not communicate with me,
but i listen for the flutter of their wings every day.

a debilitating sadness has overcome me.
i am sorrowful and full of shame.
it is because i have no purpose.
my soul withers on the vine.
it is dying from having no one to love.
does God bring me this pain so i remember to love Him?

i have begun to build a wall around me.
i have shut off all my emotions.
i am imperfect and ugly.
my diseases infect others like a poison.
i have to hide myself away to save them.

a tremble ripples through my body.
there is no tidal wave of kindness to make me better.
every one knows i am defective.
even God averts His gave from my visage.
i have been cast out from His love.
i must retreat into myself
and try to overthrow my own rebellion.

God Knows I'm Here

why do i bleed so much when my heart's been ripped out?
why do i cling to an idea that doesn't want me?
power leaves my body and i grow weak.
my mind gets caught up in fantasies.
i can not live on hope alone.
i hunger for more.
i am sick of chewing on old bones.

i am not important to the world.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him.
i weep when i hurt.
i leap for joy when i don't.
i got to have a good day today.
tomorrow, i don't know what mood i'll wake up in.

why do i lie to people to spare their feelings?
why do i cry for no reason?
my night's are lonely and i grow weak.
my body longs for the warmth of a man's touch.
i can't live on faith alone.
i have to learn to trust.
i have to let myself fall in love.

i am not someone special to you.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him near.
i want to be more like you.
you are full of warmth and kindness.
i don't want to dominate our conversations.
tomorrow, i will ask you your thoughts and listen!

A Basic Miracle

i had stockpiled my fears in every corner everywhere,
like a hoarder i could no get rid of a single fear.
my way loaded me down, like an anchor,
i was docked, stagnent at the port of depression.
i refused to receive forgiveness in my heart.
my talent was lying on the ground rotting.
i couldn't believe there'd ever be a place in heaven for me.
i thought my mortal body would get one performance.
i had forgotten my soul is endless.

i would see myself physically trapped in hell.
the fires of my sins surrounded me with their hot revenge.
i accepted that i was doomed to burn,
then on a tuesday evening, my path was diverted.
it took the warmth of human kindness reaching out to me to save me.

i resisted the gentle persuasion of the spirit.
you persisted to prepare me through unconditional acceptance.
slowly, through your love, a miracle overcame my doubts.
the basics are the easiest lessons to forget.
my perceptions began to shift.
i looked into my newly awakened eyes to see hope.

the abundance of the spirit you planted within me began to grow.
i was no longer afraid of running out of time.
i stopped thinking about death as a final end.
the scaricity of my faith was an illusion fed to me by the advesary.

i replaced sin with love.
i erased the errors of my past.
i embraced my natural gifts at last.
now i know true freedom is the absence of fear!

A Lot to Learn

i thought i was finished.
that was my mistake.
the work i need hasn't even begun.
my whole universe is a major construction zone.
i keep taking the detours,
but i never end up where i wanted to go.
i keep passing orange cones,
hoping to see the end of my road,
but there's more work to be done.

the glasses of youth let us see our potential.
the future is a secret so we don't lose hope.
if you were told by 40 you'd be fat, broke, divorced and alone;
your motivation to live wouldn't exist.
our immortality is a mere footnote on a census report.

i had goals to achieve.
i didn't plan for the mistakes.
i let people use me.
i let people hurt me.
i was so broken hearted i could not see
that these tests brought out the best in me.
i speak gentler now.
i am kinder now.
i've turned my own pain inside out.
i've flipped the sorrow over to help others.
my lessons are many, but i still have alot to learn.

Leftover Mentality

i look at myself through stangers' eyes
and i realize i live my life with a leftover mentality.
i don't think i deserve anything new.
i buy second hand clothes, used cars, and repurposed furniture.
i try to take what has been neglected,
even when i have money i feel poor.

my newly uncovered flaw
shows me my greastest weakness of all;
i can't bestow kindness upon myself.
i believe in forgiving others debts,
but the message i've forgotten is to be merciful to myself.

i use my own emotions against me.
i weld my fear like a weapon,
going on the defensive when someone gets to close to home.
i bad mouth myself all the time.
it's hard to be thankful when i am the problem.

i have to let my inner hatred die.
inside my soul i have faith,
faith i am a good person.
i have to free myself from the chains i created.
i have to find my passion for living again!