Uninvited

cold and pale; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the sweat beads upon my breasts.
i toss and turn longing for rest.
i drink the medicine waiting for its bliss.
i long for numbness.
touching my face wondering who this stranger is;
i feel uninvited in my own soul.

tired and worn; i feel uninvited in my own skin.
the day fades and i shrink into my bed.
i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day.
i wrap myself up in the pills that promise.
i desire nothingness.
looking into my eyes i see emptiness;
i feel uninvited in my own heart.

bruised and used; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the days and nights get mixed up in my head.
i rise and rest with the whim of my disease.
i hunt for the miracle cure.
i need the darkness.
hearing my crying i taste my salty pain;
i feel uninvited in my own mind.

i feel so uninvited everywhere all the time; even in my own life.

Bangs and a Broken Heart

i got bangs and a broken heart.
he tore my whole world apart.
i was chasing the shadow of the perfect man.
he was an illusion selling me my dreams and i paid him everything i had!

now i'm alone, older, and not wiser.
i'm thinking about what went wrong this time.
he isn't remorseful and i'm not ready to let go.
we struggle against each other's flaws.
i wanted all of him and he wanted nothing at all from me!

i had hope for the first time in awhile.
the sun can't shine on me forever.
i had fun until he took it all away.
i had him but i didn't guess he wouldn't stay.
why can't i find love that won't fade?

those silly girlhood forever fantasies got the better of me.
he preyed upon my vulnerabilities.
wishes were the fuel for his bonfire of lies.
he duped me and i let him.
i don't know if i can do this anymore.
i have to undo this damage or he'll win!

i'm retreating to nurse my wounds.
this heartache won't kill me but i'm spooked.
it's time to be less a romantic and more pragmatic.
my goals are clear and he's not meeting them.
if love could be logical then we'd be happier.
i'll take this seat at the head of an empty table
and my mind will move past what it always knew would never last!

Somewhere In Here

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did i put it?
today i got good news, but with me,
there's always a but,
i feel sadder then ever.
i hate being praised, it makes me sick.
i used to love recognition.
i don't know where my self-esteem went,
but i have a a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

i guess i could shovel out the blame.
my brothers unrelenting teasing.
the fat jokes. the ugly taunts.
the put downs and the heart aches.
my mother's constant critisism.
my father's unrelenting optimism.
me trying to be everything to everyone
and now me feeling like i'm nothing to no one.

i know it's in here somewhere.
where, oh where, did it go?
today i had a moment of uncontrollable laughter,
but those moments never last,
and now i feel empty and bloated.
i hate not be able to make my happiness stay.
i used to laugh every day.
i don't know where my hope went,
but i have a bad feeling,
i'm never gonna see it again!

i have nothing

i have nothing to say to you.
i have nothing to give you.
i have nothing to fear.
i have nothing i want from you.

be subtle, yet be true,
all of what we are rests inside of you.
i look within myself to fullfill
the needs i once expected from you.

i have nothing but happy thoughts of you.
i have nothing but good wishes for you.
i have nothing but open arms for you.
i have nothing you would want.

be gentle, yet be honest,
all of the chaos has past us now.
i have set aside the hurt
the anger i once had for you is gone.

i have nothing but forgivness in my heart for us.

Thought Three

I am adrift in a black hole of confusion.
I can't see a way out.
I am being smothered by life's nothingness.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I don't know myself anymore.
What's wrong with me?
I keep tripping myself.
I believe God has abandoned me or
Did I abandon him?
I don't have hope.
I can't feel.
Numb.