Take the Lie

take the lie it's so much better then the truth
the truth i have in my heart is shallow and cold
i can't stay. love isn't my thing. i want to be more,
but its not here. believe my love was true.
think that i think that about you. take the lie to get you through.

i've been doing this for a long time
i got this leaving part down
i go on and on about forever and happily ever afters
i know what to say and when to say it
it's become second nature to me to see in them
the needs i'm here to fill, but i don't stay
i can never stay; that's my one rule

take the lie to bed and dream about me
how it used to be before the tears and the lonely nights
i said goodbye. we had ugly fights.
you got paranoid. i pushed all of your insecure buttons.
you swear you could see past all my faults,
but no one ever can. you don't know how cracked i truly am.
take these lies and hang them on your walls.
those are what you need to hold on to because i'm gone.

it started long ago and far away
i was lied to and left behind too
it seemed better to leave the lie and make my own world
so i roam around where ever i go i find some comfort, but never a home
i've been call cold
i've been asked if i get lonely, no and sometimes i know it's a lie
and i'll take it over the truth every time
the truth stains, it bleeds, it kills your soul and destroys you
a lie take nothing and stays as long as you keep believing in it.

take the lie and believe it.
take the lie and keep it alive and i'll never be gone.

Bangs and a Broken Heart

i got bangs and a broken heart.
he tore my whole world apart.
i was chasing the shadow of the perfect man.
he was an illusion selling me my dreams and i paid him everything i had!

now i'm alone, older, and not wiser.
i'm thinking about what went wrong this time.
he isn't remorseful and i'm not ready to let go.
we struggle against each other's flaws.
i wanted all of him and he wanted nothing at all from me!

i had hope for the first time in awhile.
the sun can't shine on me forever.
i had fun until he took it all away.
i had him but i didn't guess he wouldn't stay.
why can't i find love that won't fade?

those silly girlhood forever fantasies got the better of me.
he preyed upon my vulnerabilities.
wishes were the fuel for his bonfire of lies.
he duped me and i let him.
i don't know if i can do this anymore.
i have to undo this damage or he'll win!

i'm retreating to nurse my wounds.
this heartache won't kill me but i'm spooked.
it's time to be less a romantic and more pragmatic.
my goals are clear and he's not meeting them.
if love could be logical then we'd be happier.
i'll take this seat at the head of an empty table
and my mind will move past what it always knew would never last!

Creeper

why do you come around here?
don't you know all you cause is fear?
take a hint creeper and fuck off!

you spring yourself on people like a bear trap.
your alcoholic stupor leaves a stench!
take a hint creeper and slink off;
back into the dark where you came from!

i don't want you!
i don't like you!
your eyes creep me out!
i know you're disappointed.
you thought i'd be easy, but you make my skin crawl!

creeper take the short road home!
i want you gone forever.
i'm locking my doors.
i'm checking them twice.
i'm finished being nice.
loser, take this advice, creeper someone else!

it's not my job to prop you up.
i'm not your friend.
this has to end.
don't hang around like the unwanted fly on the wall.
have some pride and leave!
i can't take your creepy ways anymore!

take the bus creeper.
take the train creeper.
just take the next step out of here creeper!
leave me be!

Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

Cursed

i'm going to surrender myself to your love.
the sacrifice i make is to lose my heart, but i hope i will be redeemed.
if you disagree all i'll have for company is misery.
i hate to suffer through another broken heart, so let yourself fall in love with me!

i've worked hard to find peace inside of me.
i want to give you everything, but i'm scared you don't feel the same.
it's enough to drive me insane.
life isn't worth living without taking risks and i'm all in for you!

i'm getting a strong sense of deja vu.
the pattern has begun to emerge.
you aren't on the same page as me,
i'm beginning to wonder if we are reading the same book.
you can't figure out where i'm coming from.
when did it become a crime to fall in love!

my stupidity knows no bounds.
i let my heart lead the charge and i've been executed.
you shake your head and wash your hands of me.
you refuse to take any responsibility.
you call me delusional and silly.
my heart shatters and my hopes scatter into the wind.

why is it always over before it even begins?
i get myself all wound up for nothing.
he let the air out of all my balloons.
why am i a toy for so many men?
i throw myself off the steepest cliff, but isn't that what love is?

i can't roll around in the mud of my regrets.
i'm stronger then the latest man to let me down.
i pack up my emotional baggage and put it on a shelf in my closet.
there's alway another one to love around the bend
and i don't ever hesitate jumping in.

i hate that lonliness has become my best friend.
i spend hours trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
i have multiple diagnosis, but no solutions.
love destroys me but i keep crawling back for more.
he was the latest in a long line of failures.
i find men easily, but i can't keep them around!

my heart and soul are bound to tragedy.
am i paying a price for some horrid past?
i never meant to break any hearts.
my tears have disappeared over the years.
i won't forget the words you said to me,
"you're too cold to ever keep a love alive"
i think you cursed me for good because i'm always alone.

Overrated Kansas

is anybody out there?
what are you doing?
i'm trapped, wrapped, stamped defective.
i'm discarded, a human life wasted, oh the humanity!
i tried dialing 911 to help me escape, but i got a busy signal.

cover up your ears, i'm about to pop this bubble of ignorance.
my pain's boiling over.
my anger's rising to dangerous levels.
my explosion is imminent.
i put it off for far too long.
my volcano of pent up emotions is erupting.
i'm spewing all the feelings i was told i shouldn't have!

where's my yellow brick road?
toto shit in my ruby slippers.
the tin man took all my vicoden.
the scarecrow makes me itch
and i swear, if that lion bitches one more time, i'm hitting him!!!
my kansas was overrated.
my home was a womb of love, for years i was handled with kid gloves.
i was protected, doted on and adored, then the world came knocking on the door.

i met a boy and went straight to hell.
i took a whirlwind ride on the sin wagon.
i was flying high, out all night, having a hell of a time.
i was making every body who loved me cry.
my momma said, she's gone boy crazy.
my daddy just hung and shook his head.
my teachers said such a shame, she's so smart.
she was going to shine brighter then the brightest star.

i was my parent's whole universe when i went super nova baby.
got knocked up at 17, no time to make amends.
daddy's little angel got kicked out of heaven.
sh, don't tell. just hide yourself behind your hair.

i was so alone and scared.
everyone was staring at my bulging belly.
going to be a mom, i have no idea what's going on.
still in high school, kid's pointing, adults won't look me in the eye.
i'm now a fucking statistic, unwed, pregnant teenager.

my future just went on dim.
all because i met him.
he'd kiss my hand and stroke my hair.
he told me he loved me and like a starved ethopian,
i couldn't get enough of the bullshit he was feeding me.
we were doing it like rabbits and now i'm multiplying.
i found out he was lying.

there's no fairy tale here.
he's been to jail before, no license, no diploma, no job, no prospects.
just booze, cigerattes, and playing grab ass.
i was blinded by my lust for him., in my hormones i trusted.
now i'm totally fucked and stuck in a corner.
everyone's ashamed of me.
i'm the perfect example of the good girl gone bad.
now i'm a welfare mother walking down the high school halls,
wondering if i can even be a good mother when i'm just a kid myself?

(note - i got pregnant at 17. i now have a beautiful 20 year old daughter. i went to college. i got a degree. i make good money. i work hard. i never gave up. i did it all for her. she was my motivation, my inspiration, and i am hopelessly in love with her.)

The Gnat

out of the blue, you decide to clear the air.
you lay out before me all your errors.
the curtains are pulled back
and i see your reflection in my eyes.

you tell me, i'm the answer to your prayers.
you bring me poppies and chocolates.
i think it's time for my daddy to have a chat with you.

you show me my name tattoo'd over your heart.
you show me us in pictures where we are laughing
like a happy family,
but it doesn't change what you did.

your unfaithfulness is like a gnat,
it flies around us, and we are just waving it off,
but we can't kill it.
i ease back in the recliner.
i'm trying to find the right words,
but i'm overwhelmed with my disappointment in you.

you see the light leave my eyes.
i think we are both surprised.
i'm not angry.
i think we just ran out of love.

i'll help you pack.
you can tell everyone we ran out of steam.
there is no one to blame.
we can just quietly fade away!

Expected

i don't want to hurt anymore.
i'm tired of being tired.
i built you up higher then you could reach.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to care.
i expected you to love.
i expected way too much from you.

i don't want to argue with you.
you won't let me win the battle,
so i've stopped the war.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to try.
i expected you to reach out.
i expected way too much from you.

i can't think of a solution.
this mess is too big to fix.
you'll have to carry your own baggage now.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to open up.
i expected you to trust.
i expected way too much from you.

you tried to set the bar low,
but i pole vaulted over you,
and expected you to keep up the pace.
i know now i expected way too much.
i expected respect.
i expected a committment.
i was stupid to expect so much from you!

StereoTypes

i'm getting so tired of this merry go round i'm on.
i can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time.
i crave what is forbidden.
you're best to be far away from me right now.
i play the scene in my brain.
the truth is revealed and you leave me.
i've seen it a 1,000 times before,
but it's the memory that replays when i think of you.

am i the one you want to get rid of?
i've tried to purge your from me.
i've cleansed myself 100's of times,
but the toxicity of your memories remains.
you are the one i want to get rid of,
but i don't know how to.

i'm getting worn out from chasing your ghosts.
the shadows cling to all that's unhealthy.
i am focused concavely.
distances are distorted, but not out of sight.
i cry all over again.
this wasn't the ending i wanted.
i'm barren physically and emotionally.
you drew your conclusions,
and i'm the one that had to buck your stereotypes.

Chasing Love

You make me feel convenient and insignificant.
If it wasn’t me you were talking to right now, you’d just find someone else.
I don’t soothe your soul.
I am a boost to your ego.
The longer I play this game the more it hurts me.
The damages are racking up.
Soon, I will not be able to pay the bill.
Then what will I be able to give you?

Your words are unintended, thoughtless, and careless.
I gather them up and store them in my head.
I pick them apart, knowing, you don’t realize what you said.
It’s the off handed remarks that truly reveal how you feel about me.
And the news isn’t good.

I am a toy.
I am a sexual distraction.
You try to compliment me, but it makes me feel worse.
I don’t see how I can leave you unscathed at this point.
Your eyes will never see that I can be what you need.
I will never fill the void she left inside of you.

You tell me not to try.
You tell me it’s not like I think.
That we are okay just the way it is.
So why am I craving so much more?

I try to make it about sex.
I am working hard to become detached.
I try to tune out my sub-conscience.
But you won’t take what I want to give,
And you won’t feed me what I crave.
This impasse will be the death of us.
And I have to laugh, because according to you, there is no us to die.

I am overstepping my boundaries.
I am overstaying my welcome.
And if I push to the point you break,
You will push back until I cave.
You are the stronger personality.

I am weak. I am wrong.
I am the first one to walk.
I don’t want to tell you how I feel anymore.
I don’t want to get tied up in your words.
I am not confused.
I am not angry.
I am disappointed in me and in you.

Fire dances around us.
The moon is full and bright.
The signs tell us we could be strong.
I could be the one to love you forever and always.
Beloved and adored, I could be yours.
I know why you don’t want me.
I blame my lack of good timing.
I am always chasing after love, but it never chases me.
No one ever chases me.

Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.

Loose Ends

there's alot of loose ends floating around. there's hurt feelings cascading down. there's the end of something beautiful coming. i taste the blood on your tongue. i kiss you for a bittersweet goodbye. i pull away and with me i take the knife from your heart.

i'm so sorry baby. i hate who i am when i'm with you. i didn't mean to do this so badly. i've never been able to leave a room without a huff. but it's not enough. you want reasons or at least a creative excuse. i've got neither.

this was tragically slow.i didn't enojy it baby. i know you think i did. i'm sorry baby. there was a better way. i just couldn't take the time. i was urgently dying inside to let you go. it broke you apart. you swear you'll never be whole again. take it from me it's not that bad.

i'm so sorry baby. i can't stay. i hear the anger in your voice. i see the disappointment in your eyes. you built those hopes and dreams on my back. i should've told you i'm weak.

baby, i know my flaws. they were there all along. you were blinded by love. i must've hurt you when i ripped that blindfold off. i'm so sorry baby. there's no escaping it. it's time to move on. you can't keep me in your cage of love forever. it's not fun but it's got to be done. i'm so sorry baby, but i'm through with you.