Flawed

I am merely human.
I am riddled with flaws.
Inside and out they leave their mark.
My nose is scarred.
My freckles unevenly placed.
The more I look in the mirror,
The more I see how flawed I am.

I am an emotional being.
I am a vortex of contradictory decisions.
I leave my mark everywhere.
I cry suddenly with no provacation.
I get angry, explode, then laugh it off 5 seconds later.
The more I explore my inner mind,
The more I find how flawed I am.

My flaws bring me down to the basic level of humility.
These flaws make up the whole of me.
Each little piece doesn't explain enough about me.
Without being flawed I wouldn't be me.
I hate my flaws.
I love my flaws.
My flaws are who I am.

Little Heart of Mine

Little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
You keep jumping into love without thinking first.
Every time you get broken you blame it on me.
Little heart of mine, I want to rip you out of me,
I want you to remember this pain.

Little heart of mine, please have mercy on me.
He says he loves us, but I don't believe him.
Can we pull back and take a break from this ride?
Little heart of mine, I'd like to throw you away
So I won't have to feel this pain.

Little heart of mine, I know you're hungry.
You desire the fire of love to feel alive.
I get tired of crying when we get burned.
Little heart of mine, can we make a truce?
And both of us can get relief from this pain.

Please little heart of mine,
I'm asking you oh so nicely;
I saw his smile too.
Oh, little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?

Fade to Black

You turn me inside out.
You fill me full of doubt.
You are the reason I can't make it out of bed.
I got to get you out of my head.

I see the sky.
I see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The thunder cracks and my whole life fades to black.

You tell me secrets to keep.
You love me until I weep.
You built me to be the woman you love,
But I don't love me.
How can that be?

I can see the sky.
I can see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The lightening strikes and my whole life fades to black.

You always have the answers.
You know me better then I know myself.
You order for me.
You dress me.
You tell me what I need.
But I want out before I fade to black
And there'd be no me to come back.

Depression Confession

I must confess I'm too damn depressed.
I want to be alone.
I don't care that you don't like it.
I can't hear myself think.
I just want to sleep.
Go Away!

Let me wallow in my misery.
Let me cling to my self-pity.
I got too much shit dragging me down.
I don't want you around.
I'm too damn depressed for company right now.

I swear you have to leave.
I won't be responsible for what you see.
I'm breaking down.
Every mistake and all my regrets have me cornered.
All the feelings I've supressed have taken over.

I confess I'm too damn depressed.
I'm no good to you.
You need to go.
I have to be alone.
My depression confession is a full blown tear driven storm.

I'm too damn depressed for you.
I want to be left alone.
Just me and my fear and
All the pictures from past happy years.

Smiley Face

I'm stepping outside of the lines.
I'm taking a chance and rolling the dice.
God don't let me die!

Disappointment is my second skin.
I stare at myself in the window pane.
My life's work left undone.
I burned out my retna's watching you shine.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

Jealousy is green and
Depression is blue.
Anger is red and
Loving you is suicide black.

You advertise yourself larger then life.
But the actual size is a surprise.
I misread the directions.
And I poisoned myself with all your lies.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

I've bent over backwards to kiss your ass.
I handed you my love in a Russian glass.
I looked up to the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
All I got was a sore neck.
I guess I should've expected that.

No you can't be replaced.
And I live with this disgrace.
But at least I'm still wearing my smiley face.

Monkey on My Back

I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.

But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.

I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.

I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.

I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.

Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.

When I was 14

When I was 14 they locked my mother away in a hospital's padded room.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.

I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.

When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.

Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.

Poison in The Air

The harder I cling to life
The slippery the slope becomes.
I'm never safe.
Not at home.
Not in bed.
I fall closer to hell with
Every breath I take.

The air is poison.
The sky is smothering me.
I hear noises when nothing's there.
My imagination works against me.
I'll never be a legend.

I'll be forgotten as soon as I'm gone.
Just rotting away in the ground.

Cut Myself and Bleed

Why don't you bring me flowers?
I beg and plead.
I'm willing to cut myself and bleed,
just to see an emotion cross your face.

Good love is hard to find.
It's been hard to find someone to
Understand my twisted mind.
The only one I tried to love forever
Can't wait to leave.
All I wanted was some flowers.

I'm a mess.
I'm crazy.
I'm hard to get.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I get it.
We've been through all this before.
You never care when you're getting some.
It's all the other minutes in the day you can't handle me.

I sense your shut down.
Your walls are strong.
I'm so tired of trying to climb over them.
I want to tear you down,
Make you feel unworthy like you do to me..

I want you to want flowers.
I want you to beg and plead.
I want you to be willing to cut and bleed,
just to get me to show you an emotion.
I want you to love me.

Bag of Bones

I'm a bag of bones with folds of fat all around.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.

Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.

Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.

The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.