Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

The Risk

i've sunken down into the depths of despair
down here things aren't clear
i can hear you shouting my name
but you sound a million miles away

you can't carry my baggage anymore
i'm missing the fireworks that went off every time you walked through the door
we got comfortable with each other
that was when we got into trouble

i forgot how sweet you felt between the sheets
and you couldn't remember why you loved me
boredom seeped into the cracks inbetween us
the familiar became bittersweet
and we couldn't keep passion's fire burning in our hearts

finding someone new became all i knew
he couldn't be anything like you
you were the poison and i needed to find the anti-dote
these feeling of escape drove me into reckless escapades
i broke your heart for no reason
i stopped trying and you stopped caring
we broke down 1/2 way down the road

your touch is no longer mine
your kisses go to someone else
i didn't look at you anymore
i just saw right passed you
fog rolled into my thoughts

i saw greener grass on the other side of the fence
but when i got there the grass wasn't what i thought it'd be
i miss you, but i took that risk
no i'm paying the consequence
you're in love and it isn't with me

Inequity

i carry a life full of inequity upon my shoulders.
i feel persecuted and alone in my troubles.
there are rumors amongst those i know.
the lies spread and grow beyond who i am.
the blatant manipulations of a few take their dark toll upon my precious soul.

every step i take i try to break free from the fear mongers whispering to me.
i am haunted by the time i lost locked up inside too afraid to move.
i hurt myself to know i still feel.
the blame rests with me for these sins.

one day death will seek me out.
every atom i am will turn to ash.
if i say a prayer for Jesus to be my savior,
will all my twisted thoughts disappear?
Do all my wounds heal?
i am covered in self-inflicted scars.
i bathe five times a day trying to wash away the stench of my fears.

i can't look myself in the eye in the mirror.
if God hears every one of my thoughts, does he cry like i do?
my morals are compromised.
my goodness rots on the vine;
never harvested and never applied.

i am told of a man in the bible named Job.
he suffered more then any human being has ever suffered.
his faith never waivered.
he was strong in his love of God.
i want to be more like Job, but i am weak.
i long for a stonger hand to hold mine to help me choose what's right.

i've given away all the good pieces of me.
i carry my mistakes like a cross upon my shoulders.
i have reaped what i have sown.
this life of fear is all i've ever known,
but i hope one day i will be free of all these burdens crushing me.

Fleas

the weekend revealed to me your melancholy mood.
my gift to you has fleas
and he pees everywhere.
but he was your wish and i love being a genie for you.

we went to a movie.
we shared a meal.
you were distant,
but i didn't care.

the first night we laid together without getting laid.
it was different.
you thought it was refreshing and
i am concerned.

i tried to be me like usual.
but i think you picked up on the undercurrents.
you drifted off not dreaming of me
and i'm thinking there's trouble ahead.

this time you stayed 2 nights in a row.
it's progress, but it's slow.
you have so much on your mind.
you need to see how much you offer
and know i want everything you have to give.