Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

Heartache and Hope

my heart is beating slower then i'm breathing.
i don't know what i'm needing to fix my plight.
i'm full of dismay. i'm tripping over ghosts.
all i have left is heartache and hope.

my condition feels me with loneliness in a crowded room.
i want to run away to try to outrun my pain.
i'm burning down my own disease. i'm falling into it.
hope comes and goes but my heartache never moves.

my standard's slip and he got through those cracks.
i shouldn't complain because he didn't stick around to finish the kill.
i'm regretting letting myself believe love exists. faith can't assist.
heartache and hope aren't enough to keep me strong.

my weakness overtakes my sensibilities.
i'm a special kind of fool wrapped up in past discretions.
i would love to taste freedom. everywhere i am is a prison.
heartaches are here for the long haul and i hope i'm able to handle it all!

my environment surrounds me with examples of kindness.
i think i can but i know i won't ever love again.
i'm a closet dreamer who is desperate to believe. i'm too scared to unlock the door.
hope isn't in control; only the heartache knows me.

my disaster destroyed me down to my core.
i don't want to be here anymore.
i'm ready to forgive him but i'll never forgive myself.
is there ever enough hope when the heartache never ends?

Silence, Do You Some Good?!

silence is more precious then gold.
leave the sound out of your mind.
focus on what you're feeling.
breathe slow and deep to relax.
can you reach a peaceful place yet?

close your eyes to block out the world.
hold yourself for comfort.
your the only one that's always there for you.
focus on every tactile brush of your hand.
come and find what sets you free.

do you need a pill to see?
are you addicted to the numbness?
let the anger flow out of you.
let the creativity take control of you.
reclaim your soul.

my dreams are full of darkness.
i ca't forget the pain.
i'm unable to focus my thoughts.
purgatory is living;
hell is ignoring you're alive.

freedom is relative;
i've built a hell hole.
my hidden self trapped.
focus on the light.
move toward the sunshine;
one step at a time.

i see.
i feel.
the numbness has begun to fade,
but here comes the pain!

A Basic Miracle

i had stockpiled my fears in every corner everywhere,
like a hoarder i could no get rid of a single fear.
my way loaded me down, like an anchor,
i was docked, stagnent at the port of depression.
i refused to receive forgiveness in my heart.
my talent was lying on the ground rotting.
i couldn't believe there'd ever be a place in heaven for me.
i thought my mortal body would get one performance.
i had forgotten my soul is endless.

i would see myself physically trapped in hell.
the fires of my sins surrounded me with their hot revenge.
i accepted that i was doomed to burn,
then on a tuesday evening, my path was diverted.
it took the warmth of human kindness reaching out to me to save me.

i resisted the gentle persuasion of the spirit.
you persisted to prepare me through unconditional acceptance.
slowly, through your love, a miracle overcame my doubts.
the basics are the easiest lessons to forget.
my perceptions began to shift.
i looked into my newly awakened eyes to see hope.

the abundance of the spirit you planted within me began to grow.
i was no longer afraid of running out of time.
i stopped thinking about death as a final end.
the scaricity of my faith was an illusion fed to me by the advesary.

i replaced sin with love.
i erased the errors of my past.
i embraced my natural gifts at last.
now i know true freedom is the absence of fear!

Inequity

i carry a life full of inequity upon my shoulders.
i feel persecuted and alone in my troubles.
there are rumors amongst those i know.
the lies spread and grow beyond who i am.
the blatant manipulations of a few take their dark toll upon my precious soul.

every step i take i try to break free from the fear mongers whispering to me.
i am haunted by the time i lost locked up inside too afraid to move.
i hurt myself to know i still feel.
the blame rests with me for these sins.

one day death will seek me out.
every atom i am will turn to ash.
if i say a prayer for Jesus to be my savior,
will all my twisted thoughts disappear?
Do all my wounds heal?
i am covered in self-inflicted scars.
i bathe five times a day trying to wash away the stench of my fears.

i can't look myself in the eye in the mirror.
if God hears every one of my thoughts, does he cry like i do?
my morals are compromised.
my goodness rots on the vine;
never harvested and never applied.

i am told of a man in the bible named Job.
he suffered more then any human being has ever suffered.
his faith never waivered.
he was strong in his love of God.
i want to be more like Job, but i am weak.
i long for a stonger hand to hold mine to help me choose what's right.

i've given away all the good pieces of me.
i carry my mistakes like a cross upon my shoulders.
i have reaped what i have sown.
this life of fear is all i've ever known,
but i hope one day i will be free of all these burdens crushing me.

Break Me

it's just another song
another destiny unfullfilled
i'm the one left behind
i keep searching but time is coming after me
i'll end up in the ground with all my dreams still floating around

my heart is beating
my mind is thinking
but i'm circling the wheel
never further in this cycle then before
my passage blocked by invisible fears
i'm not clever enough to break free
i want to break me

it's nothing new
it's everywhere
my orginality is a figment of my imagination
i am what you see
it's a joke to think i'd be more
i gather these doubts like flowers
and arrange them to seem less
but there's alway more to be found

my heart is dying
my mind is lying
but i move as if nothing is wrong
i'm always keeping fantasy between me and the brickwall
i'll crash and burn someday
but let me have this moment of denial
because i think i can break free
i think i can break me

break me down to the beginning
collapse my illusions
let me find my inner friend
break me so i know how to heal
break me so i cry until it no longer hurts
break me until i'm free
let me break free of all these memories haunting me

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

The Hippie in Me

the hippie in me still loves to go picking wildflowers.
i know it's silly, but i hope for world peace.
i find skipping around outside to be fun.
and heartache can be sung away with the strum of an acoustic guitar.

the hippie in me doesn't wear a bra on the weekends.
i go barefoot to feel the grass tickle my feet.
i play hide n go seek with the dog.
and i want to share a coke with the world.

the hippie in me is shunning make up and botox.
i'm eating organic.
i recycle so the earth won't die.
and i believe one day every one will truly love each other.

the hippie in me shares her love freely.
she is hopeful and optimistic.
the sun warms her soul and lifts her spirits.
i'd love to see her more often.

the hippie in my never stays,
but like a merry go round,
once in awhile she comes around,
and man, it's a beautiful ride!

New Directions

I'm your desire.
I stroke your inner fires.
I'm enthralled by your touch.
And you can't resist me.
We are going down the wrong way,
On a one way street.
This will end badly, it always does.
If I could be strong I'd walk away,
But you know my will power has atrophied.

He walked in and blew me away.
I stand here in shocked disbelief.
The years I spent hiding away you just
ripped right through all my paper thin exuses.
Now I'm exposed for the fearful neurotic mess I've become.

I'm turning down paths unknown.
I'm steering my own destiny instead of sitting in the backseat of my life.
Time never stops and I have to embrace the now.
I don't want to waste what I preceive as my last chance to dance with happiness.
If I was logical about this I'd run away, but I know I've been swept away by your kisses.

He says words that speak to my soul.
I sit here amazed by him.
The hours I've spent talking to him have shown me more truth then a 1,000 sins.
Now I'm feeling emotions I hadn't felt since I was a kid.

The map has changed my course.
I was heading south, but my heart has turned west towards you.
This new direction to you is beautiful to me.
You're breaking me down to help me find out who I am.
You are becoming my true north.
No lies.
No secrets.
No promises we can't keep.

He is setting me free.
And I want to be the woman he see somewhere inside of me.
I want to never leave his gaze.
I will strip down before him and stand tall.
Letting him prove to me how beautiful I am to him.

He walked in and blew me away.

Break Free

I'm sick of sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I'm too tired to go out and find some action.
Why don't they sell sin door to door?
I think they'd make a fortune, for sure.

I'm so down to earth, I'm sinking under it.
I'm so into staying home, I never leave it.
There's got to be a way to break free of this rut that I'm stuck in.
I just can't see my way out.
I'm dug in and pinned down.

I want to break free.
I want to be implusive.
I don't want to worry what tomorrow will bring.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.

There are bills to pay and chores to do.
I got list so long I'll never get through.
I see disaster around every corner.
I want to lock the world out.
I want to shut down.

For every second I have fun,
There's 10 more minutes of work to be done.
I'm tied to the daily grind.
I married the dishpan last night.

There's got to be a way to break free from these weeds
and swing from the trees while
screaming out all of my frustrations.
I want to break free.
Ride upon a wave of fun.
Run around with no shoes on.
I want to break free from being me.