Beautiful November Day

it's a beautiful november day.
the world is spinning and people are living.
all around me there is life thriving.
i sit back.
i try to unwind and relax.
i want to ease these angry thoughts out of my mind.
i close me eyes and breathe deep and slow.
my search for calm begins to work.

my headache isn't pounding as hard now.
a little snowflake of hope is drifting around my soul.
it's getting colder outside but i am feel some warmth in my heart.
a precious moment of serenity has arrived.
i welcome the break.
i needed it.
disappointment let me be.

i've locked the heartache in a drawer labeled mistakes.
i've put my love on the highest shelf.
it's best to keep it there for now.
it's too soon to be handing out what hurts too much when things don't work out.
my sleep is all messed up.
my dreams are confusing to me.
the night brings my depression down hard on me.
i want the sun to never set.

my mind longs for a new man to obsess upon.
it's an addiction that's too easy to fuel.
i want real love.
someone i can touch.
not just a fantasy that disappears with the dawn.
i've never captured true love.
to be honest the concept baffles me.
how two people can meet and determine this the person for me to love.
i've always let desire and chemistry guide the way to who i wanted.
maybe that's why after a couple of months i get bored.

next time no sex until it's been a couple of months.
i have to stop rushing around like someone on meth.
i need to uncover the patience that has to be in me somewhere.
i can dream of all the happy endings i want,
but i'll be lonely forever if i can't make love last.

yes, it is a beautiful november day.
there's still enough time and a little bit of hope in me
that there's someone in this world for me to love.

Back Home

every fall i hear the call to go back home.
where i know all the back roads.
i take it all for granted
that i'll always be wanted back home.

the place and his face are showing their age.
i can't replace either of them.
the thought of either coming to an end distresses me,
but i know nothing and no one lasts forever.

i want to go back home.
where there are wide open spaces,
familiar friendly faces,
and a place to call my own.

i'm tired of seeing lights instead of stars.
the smell of gasoline,
the noice of traffic rumbling,
and people overflow everywhere i go.
all of this makes me miss the quiet back home.

back home the night is truly black,
the stars shine brightly,
and the crickets sing their songs loudly.
there's a peace and a calm that I only find back home.

sitting on a porch swing, drinking lemonade,
and watching the flowers grow seemed so mundane,
but now that i'm older,i find it quaint.
as every year goes by, i want to drive back home to stay.

i couldn't wait to leave.
the little town was suffocating me.
i thought bigger was better, but i was wrong.
nothing here makes me feel better,
but when i go home i feel settled.

my new goal is to go back home.
i want to be close to the earth
and mess around in the dirt.
i want to remember to enjoy every minute
before it is gone.
i'm going back home!

Onward Ho!

my intellect has saved me a time or two,
but my heart screws me over every time with you.
take a drink from my cup.
split our assests in half.
leave me your old jacket to button up.
all the memories wash over me.
i can't think myself out of this one.

my heart fully committed
and now i'm alone sweeping up it's pieces off the floor.
going back to the day you slammed the door on me and you.
the pain has its phases,
denial, anger, grief, and bitterness;
all alcohol and pill fueled.
only time seems to ease this tragedy.

i keep looking back.
i'm missing what i have.
it's right for me to bury this hatchet you gave me.
my brain's on board with my moving onward plan.
but my heart still clings to the hope,
you and i will get back together someday.

There You Are

i need some direction.
i need a little love and protection.
i need to fall into your arms.
that's where i belong.
i felt you in my heart.
the distance doesn't factor.
you're imprinted on my soul,
with you so far away,
i'm constantly in pain.

i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.
the smile, the blue eyes, the crooked teeth.
the laughter you give me.
the look that tells me you need me.
i just close my eyes and there you are.
if i could i'd lie here all day,
just to avoid the pain.

i need to hear you are okay.
i need reminded that you're mine.
i need some reassurances you feel the same.
i need your lips on mine,
that's where they belong.
i felt the heat in your touch.
every mile we're apart disappears when i dwell upon these thoughts.
your memory steadies me.
without you near i feel like i'm going insane.

so i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.

Look a Penny

what was i doing?
where was i going?
i hate when i do that!
my train of thought jumped the tracks
and it ain't coming back.

when did i become the forgetful one?
i think my brain is rotting.
the knowledge is disappearing.
my life is going to fade away
and no one will remember me.

sadness plays me like a violin.
sheltered from reality,
i want to fly south
and keep myself locked away,
before i hurt the ones i love.

my tears drop into my bubble bath.
the cherry blossom scent masks the smell of my disappointment.
i try not to stutter.
i know my reaction was stunted,
but i was caught off guard.
i don't know how to respond when you tear me down in one breath,
then compliment me in your next.

my brain doesn't fire rounds as quickly as your mouth does.
the trigger sticks and is hard to pull like molasses.
the cold has me confused,
there i go and use the wrong words with you again.
i want to hoard you in my bedroom,
seal you in behind the clutter of my love.

what was i doing?
what point was i trying to make?
i started this then stopped;
it's been an hour since i first had this thought.
all is lost to time's unrentless march.
oh, look a penny, it's so shiny!

Zygote

wow, 2 off hand comments in 1 call leave me reeling and discombobulated.
i had hoped we were moving forward, but i see now we've been twirling around in circles on the dance floor of our friendship.

i'm not little and my uterus isn't good enough for your zygote!

ther's not much i can do.
i'll never be her.
and i realize now you aren't letting her go.
so i'm the back up, 2nd place,
not even a qualified replacement for you.
you're still looking to date.
i'm not even registering as a potential mate.
i give up.
she wins.

i'm shutting down my attachment to you.
i no longer want to please you.
i don't want to see you.
but i will.

why? because i'm in love with you.
and to have some of you is better then none of you.
i'm coming to a crossroads here,
and i don't know which way to turn.

do i stick with the status quo?
or rock the boat?
do i make a demand?
or attempt to manipulate you?
i don't know what i want or need anymore.

and there's not much i can do.
but hang around and see if in time you end up wanting me.

What I Wanted

right now with snow on the ground,
i'm wondering if you miss me.
happiness is as fleeting as these snow flurries.
and i'm afraid your affections will cool.
now that i've tasted you,
i fear no other man will be as good.

i think about you with every breath.
i try to relax. i know you're hurt.
but i count down the minutes
until i can feel your warmth.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

right now with the heat cranked up to 80,
i'm wondering if you love me.
lonliness is anxiously waiting for you to leave,
but i don't ever want to be without you.
now that i've held you,
i fear no other man will do.

i dream about you every night.
i try to be cool. i know you're easy to spook.
but i'm like a kid on christmas eve,
i can't wait to wake up to see you the next morning,
but i'm too excited to sleep.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

Christmas be good to me.
Santa bring me his love.
and it'll be the gift that never fades.
He's all the man I need.
and He's the man I've always wanted.

Drug of Choice

The stillness in the air.
The cold air funneling through my lungs.
The feelings hanging in limbo.
Altogether, it makes me want to disappear.

I heat up a can of soup.
I look around my apartment.
I miss your presence.
Life didn't seem empty until after you were here.

I take my day in small doses.
I want to drive fast, lie in bed and call you.
My whole being quivers with anticipation.
The sound of your voice has become my drug of choice.

The gray ominous sky.
The smell of moisture in the air.
The feeling of something unrealized.
Altogether, I just want to jump to the end.

I check my messages.
There is nothing from you.
I wish you missed me, like I miss you.
I didn't know I wasn't living until after I lived with you.

I can't say no to you.
I'm different with you.
My brain switches gears for you.
Your opinions have become my drug of choice.

The mellowness of a broken hearted song.
The dying leaves falling to the ground.
The feeling of the unknown.
Altogether, I wish I knew where this is going.

I flutter around doing busy work.
Counting down the minutes to you.
Your face dances continuously on my mind.
The colors have been clearer since I saw you.

I'm scared you will go away.
My fear keeps me silent.
I worry I'm not good enough for you.
You're approval has become my drug of choice.

The dullness of the office fluroscent lights.
The quiet of a slow work day.
The feeling that all of it doesn't matter.
Altogether, I'd rather be with you.

I wait for your obligations to free you.
I think about you incessantly.
I am detached from my day, because you are my nights.
And I can't recall before you were in my life.

I gather up your words to save for a bad day.
These precious moments are making me want more.
I have gone past the point of no return.
Your love is now my drug of choice.

To This Day

It was all so long ago,
All my friends thought you were too fine,
but I had a secret that was all mine.
It's not you I still think about.
It's not you I still dream about.
Your brother's smile haunts me to this day.

He was nice and you were mean.
He was the one that sped up my heartbeat.
I was weak and followed the crowd,
but I wanted to shout outloud,
you've got the wrong one,
you've got the bad one.
His Brother's dancing eyes haunt me to this day.

I was so young and had no clue.
He seemed shy and I was tongue tied.
I wonder if I had told him that I adored him,
if he would have even cared.
It's impossible to know the answers to questions so old.
The longing to run my fingers through his dark silky hair
haunt me to this day.

I even look for him sometimes online when he crosses my mind,
but he isn't the technical kind.
I remember playing hide n seek in the dark.
He jumped down from a tree and scared the heck out of me.
His deep laughter haunts me to this day.

I bet he doesn't even remember me.
It's been so long ago.
We grew up on the same road
but our paths haven't crossed in over 20 years.
My wondering how he is haunts me to this day.

I used to walk by his parent's house to catch a glimpse of him.
How stupid my 13 year old self seems to me now.
But I'll never forget him, even if his memory
haunts me until my dying day.