Outer Space

everyone is looking fatter to me.
is it my paranoia about my weight gain reflecting back onto me?
i obsess over the numbers on the wii.
i want to be in the normal zone so badly!
all my energy is being sucked away.
i can't help but think if i were thinner he'd be here today.

it helps to blame something physical.
when i know the problem is in my head.
it's easier to starve myself then to change.
i'm saving a lot of money this way.
i'm learning what my ribs look like again.

he said i was pretty, but i'm not prettier then her.
i know i can't win this race.
he'll marry her and live happily without me,
like i never existed!

he might as well be in outer space now,
because we aren't in each other's orbits anymore.
i miss him more then i realized i would.
the heartache fuels my depressed state.

once i give him what's due he'll disappear.
i want to owe him forever just so i can hold him.
all naughtiness comes to an end,
but i would love for him to bend me over again.

if i had courage my favorite color wouldn't be yellow
and i'd be bold enough to stake my claim.
but i can't and he won't,
so i sit here and choke on the tears i have no right to cry.
i'll embrace my lonely self and tuck myself in at night;
so i can pretend he dreams of me like i do him!

Favorite Chocolate Bar

i'm inhaling the leftover scent of your cologne.
i try to capture your intense presence in a jar.
your hazel eyes inspired me to fall.
i want to take this feeling and hang it up like a poster on my wall.
you could be my idol and i could be your doll,
but i'm not grammy material.
and the music we made ended on the wrong note.
now your voice is lost to me!

i want to recycle my memories into toys for poor kids
or maybe turn myself into your favorite chocolate bar,
then you would love me as much as pooh bear loves his honey.
please change your cooling affections!
it's sunday maybe by thursday you'll want me again.
i'm nowhere without your hands dancing with desire over my skin.
i feel like i've fallen into an empty pit of despair;
instead of you keeping me warm i wear thermal underwear.

take a laser and carve you out of my brain.
be thorough, i want to forget every little thing.
why couldn't you like me the most?
if you were a drug i'd be your abuser.
the words growled under your breath fester like open wounds upon my flesh.
open up my chest and remove my heart;
it's not important to me if you aren't here for me to love!

Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

It Hurts

my life has been swallowed by my fantasies.
i don't want to be brave.
i want to run!
i want to hide!
life has become a burden.
i want to escape reality and it hurts.

i wonder throughout the sterile hallways of my brain.
i continue to search for my happiness, but it hurts.
i've closed off my emotions.
i can't afford the luxury of falling in love and it hurts.

my hopes rise too easily and my hopes burn out too quickly.
i have 100% turn around.
i know my life wasn't always a merry-go-round of pain.
i can't rewind me and it hurts.

i want him to want to be with me.
i shouldn't have to beg, lie, or plea.
i see his light and i'm greedy.
i want to be in his spotlight, but that's not what we are.
he's not that into me and it hurts.

my destiny has to be more then lying around in my PJ's all day.
i swear i'm beginning to understand what the dog is saying.
i'm all alone and it hurts.
my world is shrinking and it hurts.

Incomplete

i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!

i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?

i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.

promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.

i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.

my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.

let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.

you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.

i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.

but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!

Every Minute

for every minute i'm up there's 10 that i'm down,
but i hide the sad from you.
your wants supercede mine.
i drift away into impossible thoughts.
knowledge cripples my emotions.
i would abandon reason to be your friend.

our bridge is barely standing.
i keep chipping away at its foundation.
the urge to blow us all to hell tackles me to the ground.
destruction makes me feel.
i don't deserve to be close to you.

you aren't responsible for me.
we were two limbidos doing a vertical limbo.
you can let go because you never held on.
we'll never know how high we could've gone.
i imploded from arguments we only had in my head.
there's a thousands of words i heard that you never said.

crazier things happen every day.
why can't you be with me?
obstacles are meant to be overcome.
there's never still water in your heart.
i'm too unique and hard to forget.
i leave an imprint.

for every minute i spend without you there's 10 i'm wanting to hold you,
but i hide the love from you.
your dreams trump mine.
i build you up in my fantasies.
obsession takes over all logic.
i would kill her to keep you here with me till the end.

Green-Eyed Monster

i wish i was the center of your universe.
our paths must have traversed for a purpose.
this can't be our swan song.
the hollow echo of our unfulfilled potential rings over & over in my ears!

your hazel eyes beckon me to kiss you.
our fluids have been swapped and made a glorious mess.
now it's akward, this sudden breakdown of talk.
let's focus on what we do best with our tongues and hands.
emotional connections can't be tested if they don't exist.

your world collided into my wan existence.
you can't walk away after you change everything.
i don't know what makes you tick,
but when we're together it just clicks.
lies are okay if it all ends up the way i want.
it's not the journey but the destination that matters in this fight.

i'm tempted to go super nova on your life, but i still want to hold you.
i'm conflicted between vengeance and desire.
if i could have both, true satisfaction would be mine.
i know you say mean things about me.
i hear you've been talking trash.
i thought you were better then that.

i've managed to keep my green-eyed monster locked away,
but the door's shaking and i can hear it roar.
i don't know how much longer it can be ignored.
this urge i have to reap what you've sown.
to kill every dream you have in your heart.

make your choices wisely.
choose your next words carefully.
because once this thing gets started i can't stop it;
the green-eyed monster in me will devour you and your world
and we will both get torn apart!

Gone with the Sunrise

how many days will it take for these blues to go away?
when will my heart finally be whole again?
inside of my mind all i have is unanswered questions.
inside my heart there's unrequited love.
i'm searching for solutions to all the above.

he seduces me with his hazel eyes
and husky voiced phrases, like you're beautiful.
it's everything i wanted to hear,
but the doubts still call out, he's a liar.
they're all liars.
i need him to keep the pain at bay,
but he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

when will i be loved for who i am?
what am i doing wrong with all these men?
why can't i sustain a relationship with them?
am i that broken?
my mind swirls and twirls over every failed attempt at happily ever after.
my heart is a blank open book.
i'm searching for resolutions to all the above.

he winks at me and grins while he kisses my neck.
charm and sweetness are dripping from his tongue.
he's handsome and smooth.
he says he's different, not to worry, he's sticking around.
i love the script he's reading from, but my fears are on high alert.
he's lying.
they'll say anything to get laid.
i only want him so i can spend one less night alone.
he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

so'm i'm still asking questions that hurt.
i still want answers, but know they won't come easily.
change and i aren't well aquainted.
but i know true love doesn't happen on your own.
so i'll go through a million sunrises if that's what it takes to get it right!

For You

i'd run a marathon for you.
i'd give up crying for you.
for you i'd walk through fire.
tell me what you want me to do?
i'm no psychic.
i'm tied up in mental knots.
anything and everything is on the line.
just open your heart and say you're mine.

i've swallowed my pride.
i took my love and threw it to you on a line.
please give me a respite from my lonely nights.
hold up and stand down, just tell me you love me.

i'd lose 50 pounds for you.
i'd give up lying for you.
for you i'd walk naked through town.
tell me what i can do for you?
i can't get the right answer from you.
play the cards straight up
anything and everything is on the line.
just open you heart and say you're mine.

my heart is racing.
i've taken all my eggs and put them in your basket.
please hold me every night.
stop and see me, just say you love me.

Cave In

waiting for you to fall in love with me has become a full-time job.
i've severed contact.
if you really want me you'll have to come and get me.
i'm tired of chasing you.
i think it's sent you on an ego trip.
i'll stay isolated in my fears and held closely in the arms of my doubts.
i hope you'll call, but my lower then lowest levels of hell self-esteem says you won't.

these obsessions that overcome me whisk me away into a wonderful life in my dreams, but never come true.
i want you to be different, but i'm not any different.
so the endings are always the same.
you leave.
i cry.
the cycle remains intact and never ends!
i always cave in!

waiting for my winning lottery ticket to be bought has turned into a full-time day dream.
i don't even have the dollar to buy the ticket.
and being out on sick leave gives me an anemic paycheck.
i'll pay what i can and live to learn to go without the rest.
it's bumpy, this road i've been detoured onto.
my therapist says i'll get better but my brain doesn't agree.

these obsessions that overcome me whip my passions into a frenzy and leave me quickly.
i feel like a cocaine addict coming down, crashing hard into sexual withdrawal.
i'll never have a happy ending, because i'm unchanged.
even these thoughts of death won't leave me be.
i'm going to cave in!

Pang of Jealousy

i shot myself in the foot.
i had a pang of jealousy when i saw her with you.
we were supposed to be having fun, leaving our emotions uninvolved.
i find myself wanting more of you, so i'm pulling out before any damage can be done.
i wish i could be the woman that doesn't fall in love, but i'm not wired that way.
you are a man i could easily fall in love with, so now i'm running away from you and you don't even care.

i've taken chances like this before.
i've broken my heart in the past with delusion of more, but now i'm taking my own advice.
i'm backing out your door before your shatter my heart across the floor.
you are passe about the whole thing.
i can't read you at all.
your lack of emotional response has been my wake up call, so now i feel justified in cutting myself free so abruptly.

the physical distance between us is the key in this change.
i can't let you get near enough to touch me.
my flesh would betray me.
my senses revel in the scent of you.
i must stay away from you.
i've imposed my own restraining order.
i have to save myself from how you make me feel.
i won't be able to survive another broken heart.

i can't complain about where i am.
i'm always the woman that ends up alone.
men want to play with me, but not stay with me.
i can't seem to find a man who will love me back.
i've gotten used to being second best, but i don't deserve that.
it's not my pride rescuing me this time.
i could love you with the heat of a million suns.
the chemistry will only take us so far and unfortunately, i want it all!

Just Keep Swimming

i'm sitting here wondering how my life got to be so plain.
i'm like a fish swimming mindlessly with the current.
i don't ponder where to go because i'm too busy swimming forward.
i'm on cruise control and there's no one behind the wheel.
i wait on a response from a computer dating service.
rejections hard, but it's harder and colder when done by instant messaging
i have to start resisting and begin to swim against the current.

i don't want to spend all the hours that remain alone.
i shouldn't have to degrade myself for a kiss.
his touch sends my senses into fits of madness.
so now i know he's danger in human form,
i can hide out here until the coast is clear.
i have to remain calm and detached,
his kind attack when they smell your waiver will.

i'm hardwired to desire what i can't obtain.
the other one never appealed to me before,
but he got a woman, so now i flirt with him more.
i still don't want him, but he's more interesting.
just because another woman has staked her claim.
all my reasons are selfish and deluding.
i can't admit to myself that i fear love.
even now i can't digest the words.
i tell myself that can't be true, it just works well in this verse.

this little sunfish wants to be loved.
sex doesn't keep me warm on cold winter nights.
the memories i want to make require committment.
i'll just keep swimming until i run out of ocean.
one day i hope the net of love will scoop me up,
but i can't hold my breath forever.
i've got to throw back the men i can't keep!

Break Itself Apart

i'm slipping back into bad habits.
you're bringing me emotions i thought i had resolved.
i asked you to come back.
i was stupid to do that.
i answer the call of my heart.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

i was surprised you agreed to be here with me once more.
i warned you a part of me was still in love with you.
i never told you that part of me was my heart.

i've tried to move on.
i've gone on dates.
i've been screwing around, but your name hovers on my lips with every kiss.
i don't want to string someone else along when i can't fall in love with them.

i love the way you work yourself up into a frenzy.
you have to have the last word in.
it can be maddening, but i find your passion intoxicating.
i never want to stop partaking in your intellectual double talk.

the way you touch me stokes my desires into burning higher.
i know this will only break my heart.
i can't deny what my heart wants.
even if it's wanting to break itself apart.

it only crys for you.
it never listens to my reasons not to.
my heart loves committing high treason.
and i'm left with the fall out.

you changed a few things.
we don't talk every day this time.
you're working hard to draw the lines.
the sex got better, i got thinner and you got fatter.
six months had passed with no contact, but we came together hotter then ever.

the future isn't clear.
my heart has become ensared by you again.
i love the way you relish the mundane.
your zest for enjoying the little things amazes me.

i thought i'd learn my lesson.
you had schooled me and i cried like an empty headed fool.
but here i am ready to be yours again.
my heart's yearning is stronger then my will to refuse it.

you once told me i was self-indulgent.
now i'm wishing i wasn't.
my heart can't let you go.
even thought its wanting you will cause it to break itself apart once more.

I Don't Want to Hate You

i got hope growing inside of me.
peace and happiness are taking root.
i'm building my own ark to save me from my old tears.
i don't want to hate you.

i'm finding someone new.
he's going to be better for me then you.
goodbye's hurt, but new beginnings are sweet.

i look out into the darkness.
i dismiss my fears.
there's no time to wallow in my tears.
i treasure every memory we made, but i need new ones to keep my heart fed.
i don't want to fear you.

my mind rolls along passed the thunder clouds you made.
the sun is finally shining down on me.
life isn't as complicated as you want it to be.

i dream of days free from worry.
i'm exhausted from all the sleepless nights.
i know i tried everything, but nothing ever satisfied you.
i'll miss your smile the most.
i don't want to forget you.

there's no stranger knocking on my door.
i have a life to live.
i can't waste anymore time on you.

Unfulfilled Desires

my heart doesn't know it's been broken.
i've been abandoned faster then a sinking ship.
the emptiness of your lies make me a laughing stock.
the high of your touch blindsided me.
you yanked my chains and pulled my hair.
we breathed as one, lust upon lust.
i felt your desire press against my ass.

i couldn't wait to taste you again, then it just ended!
abbreviated, i was truncated.
you robbed me of a new level of trust.
the lowest of the low crashed lower then ever before.
your hickey has faded, but your imprint remains.

i can't wait for this to pass.
the brief moment in my kitchen corner is over.
i scrubbed the counter over and over.
you had a dilemma, but i gave up before it began.
i lied to you, because i saw how she looks at you.
i don't steal, but i still feel.

i can't wait until she finds out about you.
i can't stay away.
you're the bug zapper and i'm the bug stupid enough to fly into you.
i'm not enough, even though you set me on fire.
you just walk away and watch me burn.
your kisses tasted like heaven.
your passion ignited dead desires.
now i'm yearning for your enthusiastic tongue against my breasts again!

i'm not waiting for you to come around to me again.
i'm adding another mistake with your name to my list.
a pattern is emerging, i'm putting this fire out.
i can't turn you around, so i'll just peddle faster to get over this hump.
i deserve more then you can give to me.
i am always the one doing all the sacrificing.
i'm lying in bed tonight with only my unfulfilled desires to keep me warm.

Morning Glory

I wake up with the sun.
I look out my window and I see a lone morning glory.
We are both alone, but a morning glory has never loved in vain like me.
I pursue this thought born of silence hoping to find peace.

I asked a wise old man to teach me happiness.
He said to me, "Listening to God's instruction and use the knowledge you have, for one is silver and the other is gold."
My sorrow leaves me with a broken spirit.
I will surrender to this wisdom and renew my committment to seek truth.

There is substance in good.
I fell into evil by playing dumb.
I ignored what was right.
My arrogance in my own existence prevented me from loving myself.
A gracious heart does not envy.
I had to seperate myself from my pride to cleanse my soul.

I now speak thoughts free of guile.
I show mercy to everyone.
My heart is clean again.
I departed from the material to embrace the spiritual.

I am learning more with each prayer.
I awoke this morning with the sun.
I walked outside and stroked the petals of that lone morning glory.
I felt the Holy Ghost calm my mind, as I whispered, now I am never alone.

My Beloved

i'm writing this instead of calling you.
i think you've destroyed me.
all my desire is gone.
i am cured of hope.
faith has forsaken me.
i can't help but think of you.
i know you've heard it all before
and i'm letting you fight your own war.

if you're hurting so am i.
i don't want to make you love me,
but i'd forgive it all,
if you could just love me a little bit.

i scared you and i scared me too.
i just don't want to close the door on us.
i was so disappointed that you didn't want more with me.
i had hoped time would bring you around.
i am confused.
and i'm hurt, but one day i hope you realize,
you don't have to look anymore,
because i'm right here waiting on you.

i should try to give you a little more.
i should've seen it coming.
i guess my loving you wasn't enough.
i'm slowly getting my closure.
you took a hammer to my heart
and killed the best parts of me.

i doubted your resolve.
i know i'll get over you.
but i don't think i'm ever going to open up again,
the way i opened up to you.
you know all my secrets.
i guess that's why it hurts so much!

Masterpiece

i have a wish to make.
i'm not sure what it'll take
to make my wish come true,
but if i get just one chance with you,
then i won't mind a lifetime of nothing new.

i'm not blind.
i know the odds.
i think loving you could be my masterpiece.
all the years of pain erased
when you arms wrap around me.
i know i'll finally find peace.

i want to be cinderella just once,
because i know you're my perfect prince.
we don't need a matchmaker here.
the statistics can't predict happenstance.
if you take this gamble with me,
i'll prove i'm worth the risk.

you're my inspiration to exist.
your presence enhances every nuance.
colors jump out at me.
every sound is music to my ears.
all my fears disappear
when you say my name.

i'll climb mount everest with you
and if we fall, at least i'm dying with you.
i know i can't always have my way,
but if you'd stay, i'd play the game anyway.
that's how much i want this.

i'm not known for my patience.
you see that life is a rush for me,
but without you every road is a deadend.
i hear you say you just want to be friends,
but i need so much more for my heart to mend.

just give me one chance
and i'll love you forever.
it may sound cliche,
but when i'm with you,
i'm a better person.
so help me help you realize i'm your masterpiece too.

Naked All the Time

i'm not in the mood to play today.
you're so fine, i want to make you mine.
but you are unaware that i'm still here.
i'm too full of fear to make a move.
i try to chase away the doubt with a few dozen beers,
but i'm still sitting on the couch.

i don't know how to make our lives intersect.
if i'm bold and take the leap,
rejection's cold sting will make me weep.
no one is perfect, but i bet you come close.
i'd love to be the only one to tell you so.

i'm fond of the clinical approach.
i've searched the web for the best antedotes.
i'm coming up with a plan to force fate's hand.
of course, i'd understand if i am disappointed.
the objects of my desire usually fail to live up to the hype.

but it's all in my mind,
you running around naked all the time.
i dare not risk my own exposure.
i don't even know if you remember me.
the years have been kinder to you then me,
but i'm not who i used to be.

we aren't kids anymore.
i could never tell you then
and it appears i can't tell you now,
that i wanted to be more to you
then the brat who lives down the road.
but i've never been brazen
when it comes to dumping my emotional loads.

i still walk around naked all the time.
you used to tell on me for that.
now there's just more of me,
and i doubt you'd enjoy looking at it.
so i'll keep my little fantasies to myself.
and ever so often, check in on you from afar.

if fate wants to play with me,
maybe it can find a way to have us meet again.
but until then i have to wait
and have another beer.
just sitting here on the couch, naked again,
me and my fears.

At My Door

you never bought me flowers.
you seldom call first.
i never complained about doing all the work.
because i thought you were worth it.

you never lied to me.
you told me exactly how you felt.
i never spoke up about how you misjudged me.
because i thought time would reveal the truth.

you laid down all the rules.
you made all the decisions.
i never objected about what i thought was your short sightedness.
because i thought it was obvious.

you never indulged my fears.
you never babied me.
i never asked you about why it had to be now.
because your leaving hurts.

you are the strong minded one.
you are the one whose miserable.
i never questioned you about your complex methods.
because i hoped you end up at my door.