Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

Okay or Water Drenched Cells

as the years begin to accelerate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind,
i feel the failures have only just begun.
my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything.
i've gone from oblivious to hyper-observant.
trust is no longer a welcomed currency,
like the tumbling US dollar,
it's not something i want make deals with.

bow your head to pray.
be thankful God has abandoned us.
He truly is wise.
the plan's he had have been destroyed by his own creations.
so many questions are fueled by the insane passions of faith.
i think the scales are tilting toward are own destruction.

love with your entire being.
use every water drenched cell wrapped in billions of packages to conquer your demons.
we come in every shape, color and size.
i'm unable to fathom why we aren't as unique as we like to think we are.
connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky neat.
i don't want to feel anything else tonight.
i don't want to debate if you are wrong or right.

close, closer, closest.
move silently beyond your closed state of mind.
shut the door to opportunity.
quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead compartment.
it's a bumpy ride, but we love to fly high without leaving the ground.
i visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist to make it okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm tired of trying to be important or special.
i'm going for okay with only a few addictions.
i'm reaching out to just be okay.
okay?
okay!
okay.

Sweet Poison

it's okay, just let the pain wash you away.
feel the waves of agony crashing over your brain.
it's not as bad as it could be,
let the sweet poison course through your veins until you're empty of pain.

you watch the days pass you by one by one.
there's always another setting sun to come.
you get out of bed less and less.
your hair is always a mess.
you're praying for an escape that never comes.
all around you others move along and you wish you could do the same,
but here you are right where you've always been.

time is stealing everything from you;
your youth, health, family and chances for happiness have all walked out the door.
you'd hoped for so much more,
so take your sweet poison and sink down into the pillows.
the dreams are calling your name and life sucks when you're awake.
life is full of loss and pain.
every day you let the sweet poison take you away is a better day.

it's okay, not every one can win the fight between good and evil.
so let your ideas slide into oblivion.
your battle is more internal.
you brace yourself for all the bad to come.
somehow there's always more.
you run around in circles thinking you're fooling someone into thinking you're a mover,
but all you've done is look ridiculous to everyone.
take a bow and leave it alone,
let the sweet poison carry you home.

tomorrow brings another chance to fuck it up and you'll succeed
in the one way you desperately wish you would fail.
go home and take your sweet poison to feel better.
all your worries and fears will disappear.
you'll relax and be empty,
so empty you'll think you've floated away,
but you'll come down and realize you never left the ground.

Past the Point of Super Glue

i'm in a cage built with my own hands
time slipped by me unaccounted for
one day i was young the next day i was old
tricks of light made me thingk i was getting somewhere
but i've not gone anywhere

until the end i'll be going backwards
i'm caught up in what i ought to be
i never dreamed i'd fall so short
and just how badly failure hurts

on the outside no one is looking in
i'm invisible without any friends
i hang out on the fringes of normal
i know their language but i'm not fluent in it

i'm not accepted but i'm not outright rejected
so i dangle over this line
knowing someday i'll drop and die
so many mistakes i put them in my scrapbook
the pictures remind me why my heart keeps getting broken

i'm shattered into so many pieces that i'm past the point of super glue
i want what i will never have
i see it but i never get to feel it
but i can fake it for a little while
but then i get tired
until the end this is who i've always been

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

Losing You

I forget who you are. You don’t call me anymore. We don’t talk anymore. My hopes grow smaller each day. I’m losing all I remember about you.

Your smile is fuzzy. Your laughter is fading. I can’t remember your touch. I’m losing you.

I feel it so strongly and it’s wrong. I can’t hold on to you. You’re slipping through the cracks of my mind. My heart is getting colder toward you every minute you’re gone.

I’m closing the door on us. Time is destroying us. The stars will be in the night sky for centuries to come, but our love won’t last past the next dawn.

I’ve been neglected and I’m tired of the worry and sick of the waiting. All that I wanted was you here with me so we’d have a chance but with every new day I realize you’re never going to be here with me. And I hate the pain. I’m losing you.

I get static from all my friends and family about you. I had enough doubts on my own without their’s being added on to them. I’m scared to be alone and the longer this takes the more real my fear becomes.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it seems pre-destined. We shined so bright and burned so hot that we couldn’t go on forever without blowing up. I’m losing you and it sucks.

Okay

My heart stops when I think of you. All the times I’ve betrayed you in my mind build up inside. I’m ready to crash into the wall and destroy the love we’ve built together. I don’t know why I do things like this.

You’re confused by me as I am. I can’t help myself. I always betray myself. The guilt burns in my soul. It sours all I touch with the stench of failure. I can’t escape myself. I’m sick of doing this to me.

I tell myself all the time to be positive. But a negative thought always comes along. I’m always sorry when I do you harm. But you’re tired of my apologies and you’re ready to move on. I don’t blame you. I never do. It’s me that’s the root of all evil.

I tell myself it’ll be ok. Someday I’ll get it right. I’m not crazy, just lazy. And if I worked on it I could be a better person to be around but it always falls to the ground.

Self-fulfilling prophecies, pre-destined before I talked or walked doomed me to be alone. I tell myself how could God be wrong. I tell myself somewhere there’s someone who’ll get me.

I tell myself everyday I’m not in pain just to get through. I tell myself a lot of things, but it never takes. I never make the cut and I’m always behind. I tell myself someday I’ll be okay. Someday it’ll all be okay.

Top of the World

I went to the top of the world. I looked around. Then I turned you down. How do I get ahead by sleeping around? No thank you. I’ve done been down that route. I got one path calling to me, it’s the one where I be myself. It’s rocky and I fall a lot. I get scraped and bruised and I learn a little bit at a time. But I keep climbing on it finding my own way back to the top of the world just being me.

Sacrifice unselfishly to do it my way. I can’t compromise this time. I look stupid from where you’re sitting. But the world’s mine for the first time it’s working for me. I can see a future clear as day. I got a plan it’s one day at a time. I do what needs to be done. Along the way I found someone. I was hiding behind your shadow afraid to bask in the sun. I’ll pass the flask of freedom on. I got enough to keep me strong. I’ll reach my goals just being me.

I’m free and wild. I’m confused and smiling. I’m looking towards the horizon hoping my dreams come true just being me. I don’t know who else I can be. I may not always like me but I know me and one day I’ll see it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all good but I got there doing things my way. What’s wrong with being me? I’m finally free. My façade is crashing down. It feels so good to let it all hang out. Pretending for you was wearing me out. I was forgetting my beliefs. I was losing my dreams. I am clawing my way back from the cliff. I see me, it’s been too long. You had me all wrong.

I’m the one that got lost. But now it’s better. I walked out on my own terms. I tore apart the chains you had me in. I will succeed or I will fail but I will do it just by being myself. All I can ever be is me.