Time Bomb

don't charge me admission to my own execution.
the hang man's rope calls out to me.
all these hopes that died on my tongue leave me crushed by their gravity.
the peace lily is dying; the war within is still raging.
someday i wanted to change, but not today!

you were the bigger man and that makes me sad.
don't judge me by your own moral standards.
the ten commandments are more like guidelines i ignore all the time.
i envy. i covet. i lust. i fornicate. i lie. i steal. i cheat.
i don't ask for respect because i never give it.
there's no honor inside this broken down whore i've become.

the most i get takes all i got.
don't think you know what i'm going to do next.
i don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
i saw you were back here last night smoking.
you didn't even bother to say hi.
the words you gave me were to pacify.
we're both afraid i'm going to lose my mind.

my insides are malfunctioning.
don't believe it's guilt because i'm falling apart.
it's just my broken heart flooding my system with those tears you wouldn't let me cry.
the fears have overtaken all my reason.
your voice had lulled me into submission.
we aren't friend but you like to pretend we are.
your influence over me is fading at last.
one day you'll piss me off and that will set me off, but not today!
i'm a ticking time bomb with a broken clock!

All the Way to Heaven

i'm going to walk all the way to heaven.
i don't know how long it'll take me to get there.
i hear there's a mansion for everyone.
i hope my mom's got dinner on.
this time i got it all figured out.
step by step, i'm walking all the way to heaven.

i've been practising around the parking lot.
four laps is a mile, i've walked 5 miles today.
i feel myself getting stronger.
i don't know the date or the time, but one day,
i'll need to be able to walk all the way to heaven.

the good book gives me a clear and concise to do list.
i have the 10 commandments to follow and great advice in proverbs.
there's a plan, a savior, and even some songs in Psalms to help me along.
i don't want to let God down,
so i'm getting ready to walk all the way to heaven!

When I'm Not!

if you ask you shall receive,
but i don't know the question i need to ask.
if you seek you shall find,
but i don't know what i'm looking for.
there's only confusion here.

God promises love and eternal life,
sounds like Heaven to me,
but fear whispers you'll never get there.
if this is all there is,
i worry that i'll never be blessed.

my nerves communicate to my brain
that my body is in a lot of pain.
i need to be part of God's salvation.
i fall every day into self-abusive ways.
i just want God to love me,
but it never seems to be enough for me.

if i'm a better servant for the Lord,
he will shine His grace upon me.
i don't know what to do
to find a piece of peace within me.

i run from what i can't comprehend.
i know prayer alone can't save me.
i need action to bring His love to me.
my heart needs to surrender
and let the Holy Ghost come home.

if believing wre enough,
i'd be golden.
if God were easy,
then Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary.
i acknowledge there is greed in my heart.
i've tried to rise above the pettiness,
but i succumb to the basic temptations.

i am a child of God,
even when i think i'm not!

How Bad can Hell be?

you shook me to my epicenter.
as i rebuild myself from the ruins,
i worry about possible aftershocks.
you've been quiet for awhile,
but in the back of my mind,
there is a whisper, he'll be coming back around.
i don't think i can withstand another encounter with you.
i'm thinking it's time to change my number and move.

paranoia isn't pretty
and maybe it's more likely my pride
telling me you aren't done with me,
because you left so abruptly.
i have to steel myself against your charms.
i have another demon to slay.

i found out a secret.
it is killing me to keep it.
but it's not my story to tell.
and i'm afraid i'll cause damage
and i do adore this person so much.
they are good and warm and friendly.
all this work on becoming a better person is exhausting.

how bad can hell be if entry to heaven is so hard to attain?
i've broken at least 7 of the 10 commandments so far.
i commit 2 out of the 7 sins on a regular basis.
is it the little sins that add up that doom you?
or is it the real big ones just being done once that get you?
Is God an all or nothing type?
it hurts my head to linger on such matters.

i've got to balance myself again.
i fall so easily on the slightest whim.
i cut myself over and over again.
when is the lesson learned?
my whole life has been filled with trials and hardships.
i have to break my bad habits.
I can't love you ever again!