Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

When I'm Not!

if you ask you shall receive,
but i don't know the question i need to ask.
if you seek you shall find,
but i don't know what i'm looking for.
there's only confusion here.

God promises love and eternal life,
sounds like Heaven to me,
but fear whispers you'll never get there.
if this is all there is,
i worry that i'll never be blessed.

my nerves communicate to my brain
that my body is in a lot of pain.
i need to be part of God's salvation.
i fall every day into self-abusive ways.
i just want God to love me,
but it never seems to be enough for me.

if i'm a better servant for the Lord,
he will shine His grace upon me.
i don't know what to do
to find a piece of peace within me.

i run from what i can't comprehend.
i know prayer alone can't save me.
i need action to bring His love to me.
my heart needs to surrender
and let the Holy Ghost come home.

if believing wre enough,
i'd be golden.
if God were easy,
then Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary.
i acknowledge there is greed in my heart.
i've tried to rise above the pettiness,
but i succumb to the basic temptations.

i am a child of God,
even when i think i'm not!

Confession

it's time for my confession.
forgive me father for i have sinned.
now, i'm not a catholic,
but i still believe.
even when life sucks i have faith.
faith, that someday there will be a better day.

i'm not perfect.
i follow my heart to the point
where it damages my soul.
i think too much
and i feel even more.

i allow doubt to take over
and i take his name in vain.
i say Jesus in hushed tones,
for no reason,
i don't know if he's the answer to everything.

i get upset when people refuse to make a decision,
because their prayers have not been answered.
Ain't nothing wrong with praying,
but i was taught God's a guiding star
and not a work horse.

if you're disappointed in me,
i don't think hail Mary's will fix it.
and which bible is truly God's word?
which translation is without flaw?

i am full of repentance,
but i repeat my mistakes.
so i believe i remain unforgiven,
until the lesson finally takes.
my heart wishes more then it should.

i've fornicated outside of marriage.
i enjoy the company of men.
i gave birth before i was wed,
but i don't think i'm damned.
it's merely an incomplete portrait of the woman i am.
I hope God understands, one day, i'll figure it out.

i confess i'm not perfect,
but i hope you get that.
i love you.
i believe one day, i'll forgive me.
and God and I will be able to agree,
that i am good enough for him.