Incomplete

i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!

i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?

i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.

promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.

i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.

my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.

let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.

you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.

i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.

but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!

Long Long Road

if our paths were to cross, if you were to stumble and fall, my name might be called upon to help you up.
what would i say? would i turn away?
say to you that's the price you pay when you play with a person's heart.
or will i confess? stand up and be a woman that can forgive,
even though i will never forget what you did.
could i wish you the best and be there for you like a friend?
i don't know when, but some day we'll meet again on this long long road.

you'll always be at the back of my mind.
not a pleasant memory, but you are someone i will never forget.
you crop up in my dreams.
when i'm sad your laughter echos around my heart.
you tore my innocence apart.
i don't know where you are.
i don't know who you are with.
i wonder if a woman will ever make you cry.
i'm hoping someday you get what you deserve as you go down this long long road.

time flies by, a neutral party to all life's events.
if by chance, i ever see you again, will i be able to smile?
would i say hi? could i set the past aside and let the bad you did fade from my mind?
stand up and be a woman that can forgive, wish you the best,
pass this test! maybe someday on this long long road we'll meet again.

only fate knows if our paths will cross again. will i recognize you?
will you even remember me? was i just one more girl to meet your biological needs?
will i cry? life is full of twists and turns, you never know how you'll react to a ghost from the past.
there are so many beginnings on this long long road that have no endings.
we'll see, maybe someday, on this long long road i will find out if time really does heal all wounds!

When I'm Not!

if you ask you shall receive,
but i don't know the question i need to ask.
if you seek you shall find,
but i don't know what i'm looking for.
there's only confusion here.

God promises love and eternal life,
sounds like Heaven to me,
but fear whispers you'll never get there.
if this is all there is,
i worry that i'll never be blessed.

my nerves communicate to my brain
that my body is in a lot of pain.
i need to be part of God's salvation.
i fall every day into self-abusive ways.
i just want God to love me,
but it never seems to be enough for me.

if i'm a better servant for the Lord,
he will shine His grace upon me.
i don't know what to do
to find a piece of peace within me.

i run from what i can't comprehend.
i know prayer alone can't save me.
i need action to bring His love to me.
my heart needs to surrender
and let the Holy Ghost come home.

if believing wre enough,
i'd be golden.
if God were easy,
then Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary.
i acknowledge there is greed in my heart.
i've tried to rise above the pettiness,
but i succumb to the basic temptations.

i am a child of God,
even when i think i'm not!

Crying Season or Hey

hey, i was thinking about you today.
you drifted into my thoughts,
like the ebb of a noon day tide.
i found you circling my mind.
i couldn't recall the last time you called.
it seems like we both want something.
i think you're out to save my soul
and i just want a warm body to hold.

hey, i cried for no reason today.
just burst into tears like it was crying season.
i'm not sure when it stopped,
but i thought it would be nice if i had your shoulder to cry on.
your shoulder's look strong,
like you coud carry an extra burden or ten,
but you want a friend.
and i want an intimate committment.

hey, i wanted to tell you something.
i think about your back story
and i think you are awesome.
how you lied to me about what your tattoo meant.
i smile when you reach out to me.
i may not be able to give you much,
but i'll bring everything i've got.
sadly, it has never proven enough for anyone.

hey, do you know i pray for you?
i find it odd that i do.
you aren't suffering,
but i want a better day for you.
the simplest way to express myself is to pray to God.
i tell him how great i think you are.

hey, don't forget to stay in touch.
i'm outside your usual circle,
but you could stop by from time to time.
i don't know if i ever cross your mind.
your smile would brighten my day.
your memory already brings me light.
i thirst for you like a person in the desert with no water.

hey, i know one day you'll be great.
you are a better person then i am.
you stopped and offered me your hand
and i am thankful for you.
you are a good and honest man.
i know i don't deserve you.

Little Scraps of Paper

i document my feelings on little scraps of paper.
i have them tucked away in dark secret spaces,
wondering if any words can truly paint
an accurate picture of who i am.

the little scraps of paper are turning yellow.
the lead is fading and the ink smearing.
some of it is so light i can't read it anymore.
when the words disappear,
does part of me vanish with them?

i have written my life down.
sentences strung together haphazardly.
misspellings abound and i don't recall some of the emotions at all.
will anyone care that i felt so small?

i've built a papier-mache empire.
i surround myself with pens and post-it notes,
hoping to capture the elusiveness of my soul.
my pre-occupation with me prevents me
from forming meaningful attachements.
at least that's what a therapist told me long ago.

i spend hours speaking to the dead inside my head.
i'm trying to remember a forgotten friend.
i stand in the kitchen hoping to expose a fear,
but i end up eating chocolate
and writing on a napkin how i hope i choke.

i realize my little scraps of paper won't save me.
but i can't stop myself from adding to them.
when i die i want to be buried in a suit
made out of these little scraps of papers.
then i can review them with saint peter
as he decides if my immortal soul belongs in either heaven or hell.