Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

Bat Shit Crazy

you filled me up a couple of times.
i feed upon your need of me.
you know the tip of my iceberg,
but what lies below my pink flesh is deep.
i don't know yet if it'll sink us or if you can swim through this!

i see rough waters ahead.
you aren't the only one with crazy in the genes.
my own blood fights sensible choices.
you tell me you're the normal one compared to who you're related to.
in my family i'm the normal one too, but i'm still bat shit crazy!

i fear exposing all of who i am to you.
scenarios play out to a captive audience in my head.
my dreams are filled with doom and gloom.
the economy looks robust compared to my hopes for us.
i count the days we've been together.
i'm amazed i've held it together this long.
you're the calm in the eye of my inner storm.
i hope you're strong!

i want to be swept away by you.
pick me up and carry me away.
be my calgon!
be my hero!
i put too much baggage upon your shoulders.
i fret about you throwing out your back.
right now it's alright, but i know how quickly the tides change.

i don't get you all the time.
i'm a small piece in the puzzle of your life.
my greed pushes me to plead for more of you.
right now you're flattered and amused.
i believe the power i give to you binds you too.
we've bonded to each other's weaknesses.
i'm hoping by the time you see my flip side you're in to deep to flee.

the swing moves even when i'm not in the seat.
my emotions constantly push it.
sometimes it's gentle, back and forth,
almost hypnotic, it sways.
but sudden and violent changes take place.
up in the air i go, higher then i can fly.
back over dead territory and digging up graves,
then i jump for my life
and down to the ground i crash and cave!

be proud you say!
be you you say!
i believe i still love you.
sometimes i will say or do harm to you.
forgive me when you throw me away.
i know what i'm doing but i do it anyways.
bat shit crazy makes me this way!
sometimes

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Adieu

i'm growing weak from the havoc you create
you disguise your lies as a lover's appetite
my heart can't be sustained with you as my mate
my hopes are flying away like a runaway kite

i built you up and you tore me down
it hurts when you don't respond
your rejection slaps me around
i dumped your belongings into the pond

my tears echo in these empty hallways
your memory haunts every corner
i let you rule me with your dominant ways
my foolish pride made me a slow learner

your anger is the only part of you i knew
it's been long overdue to bid you a final adieu

Morning Glory

I wake up with the sun.
I look out my window and I see a lone morning glory.
We are both alone, but a morning glory has never loved in vain like me.
I pursue this thought born of silence hoping to find peace.

I asked a wise old man to teach me happiness.
He said to me, "Listening to God's instruction and use the knowledge you have, for one is silver and the other is gold."
My sorrow leaves me with a broken spirit.
I will surrender to this wisdom and renew my committment to seek truth.

There is substance in good.
I fell into evil by playing dumb.
I ignored what was right.
My arrogance in my own existence prevented me from loving myself.
A gracious heart does not envy.
I had to seperate myself from my pride to cleanse my soul.

I now speak thoughts free of guile.
I show mercy to everyone.
My heart is clean again.
I departed from the material to embrace the spiritual.

I am learning more with each prayer.
I awoke this morning with the sun.
I walked outside and stroked the petals of that lone morning glory.
I felt the Holy Ghost calm my mind, as I whispered, now I am never alone.

How Bad can Hell be?

you shook me to my epicenter.
as i rebuild myself from the ruins,
i worry about possible aftershocks.
you've been quiet for awhile,
but in the back of my mind,
there is a whisper, he'll be coming back around.
i don't think i can withstand another encounter with you.
i'm thinking it's time to change my number and move.

paranoia isn't pretty
and maybe it's more likely my pride
telling me you aren't done with me,
because you left so abruptly.
i have to steel myself against your charms.
i have another demon to slay.

i found out a secret.
it is killing me to keep it.
but it's not my story to tell.
and i'm afraid i'll cause damage
and i do adore this person so much.
they are good and warm and friendly.
all this work on becoming a better person is exhausting.

how bad can hell be if entry to heaven is so hard to attain?
i've broken at least 7 of the 10 commandments so far.
i commit 2 out of the 7 sins on a regular basis.
is it the little sins that add up that doom you?
or is it the real big ones just being done once that get you?
Is God an all or nothing type?
it hurts my head to linger on such matters.

i've got to balance myself again.
i fall so easily on the slightest whim.
i cut myself over and over again.
when is the lesson learned?
my whole life has been filled with trials and hardships.
i have to break my bad habits.
I can't love you ever again!

Half Asleep

half asleep on a sunday morning,
killing time waiting for you.
i've spent up all of my patience.
the clock is the only thing changing here.
another minute i wish you were here,
but i won't be the one breaking down.
if you miss me as much as i miss you,
swallow your pride and call me.

you're so stubborn and stupid.
you would freeze to death
before you'd reach out to me.
i have some love put aside for you,
but it's not going to last forever.
let go of your self-control.
allow yourself to indulge,
while someone is here that wants you.

feelings are a stranger to you.
you accuse me of feeling too much,
but i'd rather be a live wire
then a dead circuit no one needs.
i've put alot of effort into loving you.
all i wanted was a chance,
but you never gave me that.
i am done with the games you play.
you never told me the rules anyway.
so i've got to move on now.

you got your righteous pride
and i've got a broken heart.
you think you're always right
and this time i think you're wrong.
no one could've loved you better,
but no matter what i do or say it's never enough.
i'm dropping my extra baggage
and picking up some optimism.

half asleep on a sunday afternoon,
realizing it's time to surrender.
i don't know what's to come,
but i know i won't be sharing it with you.
i have to build a future without you.

Hubris

am i so evolved as to be beyond pride
or is it a sin to want to be free of sin?
i am stumbling through my life.
i fall repeatedly for the same lover.
only his face and name keep changing.
i scratch beyond his facade;
and every time it's the same foundation
i've built my heart upon.

i'm conceited to think that you think i'm beautiful.
i'm overshooting my target and
landing in a mess that i've cleaned up before.
whenever i fill up on hubris,
i come tumbling back down to earth.

i have bruises still blacker then blue
showing on my soul.
i've been licking these wounds for quite awhile.
i've retreated behind the door of my straw house.
you're taking a deep breath;
i know one touch from you can blow me down.

i'm arrogant to think that you think you can't live without me.
i've gone down this road before enough to know
that's it's full of unexpected twist and turns.
whenever i puff up with hubris,
i come crashing back down to earth.

i'd be stupider then i already am to let
myself fall in love with you.
but temptation strikes every time you smile at me.
and i feel the wind leaving my independent sails.
this lonliness is trumping my pride;
i want to reach out and hold you until i die.