Snow Flurries

winter nights with the frost on the grass
and the ice on the trees reminds me of the coldness inside of me.
my soul is covered in frost.
my heart has turned into ice.
and in my darker moods i want to go outside,
in the dead quiet of the night,
in my bare feet praying the cold will transfer from me to the frozen ground.
let the winter steal the cold right out of my bones.

after three decades in the same state,
you'd think the seasons would be predictable by now,
but southwest Ohio leaves me still guessing.
maybe that's why i never tried to leave.
the weather here shifts as quickly as my moods.
i sense we share a fate, but i don't know the details.
one day i'll understand everything.

like snow flurries i come down the people i love,
unexpectedly, quick to yell and then i'm gone.
the hurt inflicted upon them unregistered in me.
i can't control these erratic spikes of frustration and anger.
the person closest to me gets bombarded the most.
she's the bravest kid in the world to live with me.
both of us never know who i'll be one minute from the next.

i'm so bored with therapy and self-help books.
the same mundane subject repeats.
i feel like banging my head against a wall of pointed sharp spikes.
that's me babes i love to maximize my pain.
the outside will be covered in pure white snow soon.
i wondered if some high coke head has ever tried to snort snow,
thinking the world has suddenly been covered in cocaine?
their wet dream come true, that would be funny to me.
would it be funny to you?

winter nights always remind me of how cold i've become,
so i let the snow flurries come!

Cave In

waiting for you to fall in love with me has become a full-time job.
i've severed contact.
if you really want me you'll have to come and get me.
i'm tired of chasing you.
i think it's sent you on an ego trip.
i'll stay isolated in my fears and held closely in the arms of my doubts.
i hope you'll call, but my lower then lowest levels of hell self-esteem says you won't.

these obsessions that overcome me whisk me away into a wonderful life in my dreams, but never come true.
i want you to be different, but i'm not any different.
so the endings are always the same.
you leave.
i cry.
the cycle remains intact and never ends!
i always cave in!

waiting for my winning lottery ticket to be bought has turned into a full-time day dream.
i don't even have the dollar to buy the ticket.
and being out on sick leave gives me an anemic paycheck.
i'll pay what i can and live to learn to go without the rest.
it's bumpy, this road i've been detoured onto.
my therapist says i'll get better but my brain doesn't agree.

these obsessions that overcome me whip my passions into a frenzy and leave me quickly.
i feel like a cocaine addict coming down, crashing hard into sexual withdrawal.
i'll never have a happy ending, because i'm unchanged.
even these thoughts of death won't leave me be.
i'm going to cave in!

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Plain View

that's weird!
i searched frantically for you just yesterday.
i dug through my purse like a hopped up crack head
and i didn't see you.
i pulled out everything and you weren't there.
i just put something new in my purse
and there you were in plain view!

this is happening now all the time.
i'm tearing my house apart
looking for somethingi can't live without.
i get so bent out of shape about every little thing.
i work myself up into a panicked frenzy,
but the object i desire eludes me.
so i give up and i move on.
then two days later i see you in plain view,
but i don't need you anymore.

i'd laugh at myself if i wasn't crying already.
is someone playing games with me?
i worry about flipping out
and when i can't figure this out
i freak thinking insanity is coming to nest.
that my brain is turning into a charlie sheen mess.
God, help me, i'm going crazy!

do they go to another dimension?
maybe they come to life and move when i'm not home,
like in the movies.
it's really bothering me.
if it had been a snake it would have bitten me.

maybe i'm going blind
or developing selective sight.
but i can't find anything when i need it the most.
what's in plain view becomes concealed,
like it's wearing an invisibility cloak!
So weird!!!