Every Minute

for every minute i'm up there's 10 that i'm down,
but i hide the sad from you.
your wants supercede mine.
i drift away into impossible thoughts.
knowledge cripples my emotions.
i would abandon reason to be your friend.

our bridge is barely standing.
i keep chipping away at its foundation.
the urge to blow us all to hell tackles me to the ground.
destruction makes me feel.
i don't deserve to be close to you.

you aren't responsible for me.
we were two limbidos doing a vertical limbo.
you can let go because you never held on.
we'll never know how high we could've gone.
i imploded from arguments we only had in my head.
there's a thousands of words i heard that you never said.

crazier things happen every day.
why can't you be with me?
obstacles are meant to be overcome.
there's never still water in your heart.
i'm too unique and hard to forget.
i leave an imprint.

for every minute i spend without you there's 10 i'm wanting to hold you,
but i hide the love from you.
your dreams trump mine.
i build you up in my fantasies.
obsession takes over all logic.
i would kill her to keep you here with me till the end.

Peace and Words

nothing i write will add up to anything of consequence.
if the power of words could bring peace to every heart,
who would not hesitate to jot them down?
who would not read them?
who would not repeat them like a mantra?
who would not spread these perfect words to every one else?

the viral community spreads both bad and good.
there's no balance in actions to be had between the two.
i've opened my ears and heart to listen for and receive a message.
the bounty of trust isn't enough to cover this sinner's debts.

i am learning patience.
the task is more difficult then i understood it to be,
but if patience were simple, everyone would have it.
i construct a newer and stronger infastructure around myself.
i will need to drop my extra baggage.
i am steadfast in this opportunity to better myself.

my attempts to capture emotions are unsatisfactory.
mere text can not map out the complexities of my feelings.
i wanted in faith and i doubted, yet hoped.
my tongue is not attached to my mind.
my heart speaks faster then i can comply.
data is lost in the mazes of my brain.
i am sad that you have to see me this way.

i've painted my moods upon spiral canvases for decades now.
i have reviewed my musings many times,
but my reflections have left me disappointed.
my follies are immense and i repeat my mistakes often.
my heart is blind, deaf and very dumb.
but when it wants something it communicates to me via loudspeaker
and all other logic is trumped by its desires.

my words are my crimes.
i cataloged them for my own persecution.
they read like a cheap torrid romance novel.
i want him. i need him. i love him.
he does't want me. he doesn't love me.
i bore myself to tears!
the subject of love continues to vex me.
i'm tired of chasing it.
i'm not hiding, so why can't it find me?

Yes, if i could find the words to bring peace to every heart,
i'd hold them close and say only them for the rest of my days.
peace is the absence of love.
peace is the disappearance of thought.
only peace can calm my love drunk heart.

Brickwall

wrong is wrong
right is right
how simple
how strong

somewhere along the road
confusion set in
logic fled
and you heart turned cold

black is black
white is white
how obvious
how clear

once upon a time we loved
the signals got lost
you got turned around
and i hit a brickwall

love is love
life is life
how sweet
how easy

i couldn't see what i had
you couldn't wait for nothing
our tower of lies crumbled
and we destroyed each other

a rose is a rose
a thorn is a thorn
how true
how pure

today i see it all clearly
like i couldn't see it before
i was scared
and you believed me when i told you i didn't love you anymore.

good bye is forever
the truth is a lie
how final
how me

it takes only seconds
to rip apart years
i want you second
and you were right to leave

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Embrace God

the sun has set on my creativity.
my thoughts are like a ceiling fan, they spin and spin.
it always sounds better in my head.
i don't move, why bother,
by the time i get what i need,
i'll forget why i wanted it.

i'm down on myself again.
he hates when i do that,
but i can't control it.
it's like an invisible hand takes
command and my brain shifts to depressed.

there's a shitload of pills on the market.
but i don't want to be addicted.
i don't want to be dependent.
i want to live just the way i am.
to fix me, only feels like you're breaking me.
it hurts to have someone tell you you're crazy.
even when i know they aren't wrong.

these days the world's tilting more to the left.
i am trying to control who orbits around my planet.
i think you've succumb to my gravitational pull.
i want us to supernova.
my love for you can kill you.

my senses are alive with pain.
the nerves are sending agony to my brain.
all my neurons fire at once.
i'm cascading into a firestorm of chaotic thought.
i want to take a knife and cut my soul out of my flesh.
i can smell the blood of my release.

none of this flows together.
if you seek logic you should read elsewhere.
my journey has an expiration date.
one day i'll embrace God.
But for now i'll just get drunk on Strongbow!