Ranting

you know i try not to form opinions it feels like i'm catching a disease
i like my mustard on everything please
let's skip from the end to the beginning who needs the middle to understand
i cut up both of my hands just to see if i bled like a man

trivial pursuits bog down my heart
my little thoughts blow up bridges as i depart
you can't go anywhere with me
every time i flee i have to double back just to pee
up is a good day and down is most of my days
i wish you'd come around but wishes don't feed me

i feel a Godly grief deep in my bones
i beg the doctor to prescribe some relief but i never get any
i try to meditate to clear my head but i keep thinking you would love me more if i were dead
heart beats and dream dates never co-exist
all i seek is eternal bliss

i play the game not knowing the rules
i feel the pain thinking it is the ultimate truth
i conquer one fear to gain five more
this wheel is chasing me uphill
if affliction does us good i should be nominated for sainthood
rhyme and reason confuse all that is important only matters to you

set up the fall and begin the countdown to my demise
take good pictures or a video
i want to look tall and photo shop off fifty pounds
i don't want to look fatter than i already do
oh here i go again ranting like the mad woman that i am

Button

he should be angry but he's not.
i should've found a button to push by now, but i've not.
he's unpredictable and it's freaking me out.
he zigs when i zag.
he'd driving me mad!

desire flares my nostrils and dilates my pupils.
physically he provokes uncontrollable responses from me.
emotionally he confuses the fuck out of me.
i can't figure him out.
maybe he's playing me, but i got to find out.

he says one thing and does another.
i say i'm done, but i can't walk away.
he's never what i expect him to be.
he brings out every side of me.
he's always one step ahead of me!

happiness makes me smile and laugh.
cosmically he makes me feel alive again.
mentally we're acting like teenagers.
i'm unable to process all these emotions.
maybe it's time to run!

Melody for My Misery

i'll go emily dickinson on you;
lock myself up in my room and wear only white.
let the neighborhood children whisper about me while all i do is write.
i'll hear their laughter and use it as melody for my misery.
these poems will lay about scattered around the house until i die.
all my quirks, madness and antidotes will spread like a virus through cyber air.
these dreams i dare to dare.

i might work up the nerve to sylvia plath myself one day.
there's no expectations to live up to so i just play.
i amuse myself for hours staring at the ceiling or counting imaginary wild flowers.
life feeds off of power.
i gave mine to you, so now i wait for death like a coward.
please someone see me.
please come and get me.

i miss being human.
every door is locked.
every watch has stopped.
my windows are shuttered.
i sit and rot within my brain full of clutter.
maybe i could capture my inner poe.
i feel subtle rage when i stub my big toe.
the darkness swills down my throat.
i swallow hard so i don't choke.
bird's scare me and words fear me;
this will be my never more ending...
pity, pity, pity me!

Every Screw

i'm gonna climb the highest mountain and catch a ride on a shooting star.
i'm going to ride it until it falls.
i'll take this high until i crash and burn.
up i go with no safety net,
no hopes or dreams to catch,
i'll never accept i can shine.

bring me a piece of the sun.
close out this darkness.
hold onto your criticims.
i don't need an activist.
i won't reject you if you'll let me go.

i lost it back there.
i keep climbing stairs to nowhere.
my heart is smoking a special blend of fears.

the devil told me God didn't want me,
but yesterday i saw an angel smiling at me.
somewhere between my destruction and my salvation is where i can find what i need.

buy me a teflon soul.
let my nervous system reboot.
i didn't need a preacher.
your opinions are freely given,
but cost me all i hold dear.

i'm dancing across our history.
i feel like newly fallen snow my dog just shit on.
you never could let me slide.
you got to tighten every screw in my mind.

i can't forget the seeds you plant.
i got my weed whacker in shot glasses.
i'll cure this afflication until it kills you in my reflections.

i say crazy things and i mean them.
i deal in quantum madness.
multiply me by my infinite sadness.
the blackhole i've swallowed is turning me into you.
God forbid if there are two!

Hairy

this is a hairy predicament.
you and i not wanting to commit.
if i could put this in context,
great sexual chemistry,
the kissing is fucking fantastic,
your hairy chest rubbing me into dizzying heights,
but i'm not in your bed at night.
i'm not the woman that holds you tight.
if she knew about me this would be a hairy situation alright!

you're a hairy beast of a man.
an alpha male that dominates me to the end.
my obsession with your touch undoes me every time.
i can't get enough of your hairy ass.
you drive me to the edge of sexual madness,
but i'm not in love with you.
i'm not the woman who adores you.
if she knew about me you'd be in over your bald head for sure!

she loves your hairy back enough for two.
i only want to fuck you every chance i get.
if we were alone as much as you two are i'd be walking funny
and jumping your hairy balls everywhere.
there's no hope this will end on a good note.
the hair is getting tangled and pulled too much.
you love taking me hard and fast,
but secrets don't keep forever.
i'm not the quality woman that she is.
i'm not the woman you risk losing.
one day she'll find out and your hairy ass will be thrown out!

Face Value

i'll try to keep this short
life for me is sadness
i have nothing new to report
life for me is madness
no one to meddle
no one to cuddle

ignore me i babble
take me at face value
live the opposite
my truth isn't copesthetic

i'll try to be honest
breathing is a chore
i'm so modest
i know i'm a bore
no one listens
no one misses

this is how it's been
one year blends into forever
i'll never recover
i'm a perpetual has been

Just Keep Swimming

i'm sitting here wondering how my life got to be so plain.
i'm like a fish swimming mindlessly with the current.
i don't ponder where to go because i'm too busy swimming forward.
i'm on cruise control and there's no one behind the wheel.
i wait on a response from a computer dating service.
rejections hard, but it's harder and colder when done by instant messaging
i have to start resisting and begin to swim against the current.

i don't want to spend all the hours that remain alone.
i shouldn't have to degrade myself for a kiss.
his touch sends my senses into fits of madness.
so now i know he's danger in human form,
i can hide out here until the coast is clear.
i have to remain calm and detached,
his kind attack when they smell your waiver will.

i'm hardwired to desire what i can't obtain.
the other one never appealed to me before,
but he got a woman, so now i flirt with him more.
i still don't want him, but he's more interesting.
just because another woman has staked her claim.
all my reasons are selfish and deluding.
i can't admit to myself that i fear love.
even now i can't digest the words.
i tell myself that can't be true, it just works well in this verse.

this little sunfish wants to be loved.
sex doesn't keep me warm on cold winter nights.
the memories i want to make require committment.
i'll just keep swimming until i run out of ocean.
one day i hope the net of love will scoop me up,
but i can't hold my breath forever.
i've got to throw back the men i can't keep!

Undivided Affections

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
for thy love is better then wine." SS 1:2

my mind hangs on the magic of your touch.
these thoughts of mine are backsliding to the sweet sins of flesh.
vanity is unholy and i've underestimated your pull.
there's a fire raging in my heart and fear dancing on my nerves.
i have to find strength to reject this evil.

my madness spreads through to my soul.
i have lost the wisdom of the truth.
my devotion has become a lesson in fragility and sorrow.
the advesary is gifted in disguising lust as love.
God is jealous and demands my undivided affections.
i know where my duty lies.

the afterlife will be bleak if i die steeped in lies.
i am sane right now.
i keep this moment as a souvenir.
i must be blunt with myself.
the way i desire him is the signature of the devil himself.
these temporary obsessions of mine are destructive.
more proof to me that my journey toward heaven will be long and arduous.

"For God shall bring every work into judgement, with every secret thing,
whether it be good, or whether it be evil." ECC 12:14

every thought that has ever been in my head;
every desire that has ever twisted in my heart;
is under review, so i have to learn to control myself more.
i have to pray harder then ever before to resist these temptations.
God deserves my undivided affections.

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!