Wash Me Away

there's plenty of work for me to do but it sits.
i feel flustered and unfocused.
my thoughts hop from one to another like the Easter bunny going house to house.
i can't decide on anything and my mind begins to bend.
15 minutes ago i was in a good mood.
then out of the blue the shades were drawn and now i'm confused and scattered.

oh, how this disease plays to win.
an attitude for every minute of every day.
the tidal waves of crushing emotions wash me away.
all that remains is a sea of exhaustion for me to drown!

there's concern knocking on the door for me.
i feel forgotten and underwhelmed.
my heart skips a beat or two trying to contain my panic.
i can't overcome it; and my hands begin to tremble.
yesterday went by so fast, but today's misery drags.
i need to hold on to the up's but the down's come too quickly.
now i'm distraught and shattered.

oh, how this disease taunts me.
a feeling for every color in the spectrum.
the storm's rain is washing me away.
all that remains is a shell full of negative space!

there's more despair then hope left here.
i feel fearful and misunderstood.
my soul bounces around different ideas to save it.
i can't settle for what tied me over before.
two days ago peace evaporated and has yet to return.
i thirst for the refreshing taste of calm.
now i'm empty and broken.

oh, how this disease destroys me.
these moods come and go as they please.
i scrub so hard to try and wash it away.
all that remains is me getting sucked down the drain.

oh,how this disease washes me away!

Bat Shit Crazy

you filled me up a couple of times.
i feed upon your need of me.
you know the tip of my iceberg,
but what lies below my pink flesh is deep.
i don't know yet if it'll sink us or if you can swim through this!

i see rough waters ahead.
you aren't the only one with crazy in the genes.
my own blood fights sensible choices.
you tell me you're the normal one compared to who you're related to.
in my family i'm the normal one too, but i'm still bat shit crazy!

i fear exposing all of who i am to you.
scenarios play out to a captive audience in my head.
my dreams are filled with doom and gloom.
the economy looks robust compared to my hopes for us.
i count the days we've been together.
i'm amazed i've held it together this long.
you're the calm in the eye of my inner storm.
i hope you're strong!

i want to be swept away by you.
pick me up and carry me away.
be my calgon!
be my hero!
i put too much baggage upon your shoulders.
i fret about you throwing out your back.
right now it's alright, but i know how quickly the tides change.

i don't get you all the time.
i'm a small piece in the puzzle of your life.
my greed pushes me to plead for more of you.
right now you're flattered and amused.
i believe the power i give to you binds you too.
we've bonded to each other's weaknesses.
i'm hoping by the time you see my flip side you're in to deep to flee.

the swing moves even when i'm not in the seat.
my emotions constantly push it.
sometimes it's gentle, back and forth,
almost hypnotic, it sways.
but sudden and violent changes take place.
up in the air i go, higher then i can fly.
back over dead territory and digging up graves,
then i jump for my life
and down to the ground i crash and cave!

be proud you say!
be you you say!
i believe i still love you.
sometimes i will say or do harm to you.
forgive me when you throw me away.
i know what i'm doing but i do it anyways.
bat shit crazy makes me this way!
sometimes

Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

Snow Flurries

winter nights with the frost on the grass
and the ice on the trees reminds me of the coldness inside of me.
my soul is covered in frost.
my heart has turned into ice.
and in my darker moods i want to go outside,
in the dead quiet of the night,
in my bare feet praying the cold will transfer from me to the frozen ground.
let the winter steal the cold right out of my bones.

after three decades in the same state,
you'd think the seasons would be predictable by now,
but southwest Ohio leaves me still guessing.
maybe that's why i never tried to leave.
the weather here shifts as quickly as my moods.
i sense we share a fate, but i don't know the details.
one day i'll understand everything.

like snow flurries i come down the people i love,
unexpectedly, quick to yell and then i'm gone.
the hurt inflicted upon them unregistered in me.
i can't control these erratic spikes of frustration and anger.
the person closest to me gets bombarded the most.
she's the bravest kid in the world to live with me.
both of us never know who i'll be one minute from the next.

i'm so bored with therapy and self-help books.
the same mundane subject repeats.
i feel like banging my head against a wall of pointed sharp spikes.
that's me babes i love to maximize my pain.
the outside will be covered in pure white snow soon.
i wondered if some high coke head has ever tried to snort snow,
thinking the world has suddenly been covered in cocaine?
their wet dream come true, that would be funny to me.
would it be funny to you?

winter nights always remind me of how cold i've become,
so i let the snow flurries come!

About a Man

my life has become a one sided conversation.
i speak to you but you're not even here.
the disaster is evident in the pill bottles scattered on the bathroom counter top
and the dropped pills on the floor.
i never bother to pick them up because there's always more.

i drown a little every time you reach out to hit me with your angry words.
i sink below the surface of your hate even more.
i broke under the weight of your expectations.
just when i begin to show some progress, you pop up and drag me under once more.

i'm a good person trapped in your bad mood.
the perpetual shifts in your demeanor swing me until i get sick off all the emotions.
let me go. let me down. let me out of this miserable relationship and your twisted revenge.
life is simple for most, but for me it's always been so damn confusing.

yes, as usual, it's all about a man!
it always has been.
the current mistake hurts the most.
i thought i'd gotten it right, but i was kidding myself.

Ohio Weather

my mood can change faster then Ohio weather.
i know i frustrate you and your patience is almost out,
but i beg you to hear me out.

i've never fallen this fast or this deep.
you've got me swinging on a pendulum between love and fear.
you are perfect for me.
these changes i'm making is so that i'm perfect for you.

the two of us together can be an unbreakable combination.
i want our love to lift us up above our doubts.
you bring out a side to me i had forgotten.
my head spins just thinking of you.

jump into me and i promise to fall into you.
we have to break all the rules.
this kind of heat may burn us, but we won't ever regret it.
take me hard and fast.
touch me everywhere, and i'll lick every inch of you.

tomorrow we will walk past each other like right now didn't matter.
i'll try not to smirk, and you'll try not to look.
i notice you don't like it when i ignore you.
you know how much i adore you.

you say you need me desparately.
your affections change faster then the Ohio weather sometimes
this chemical reaction is going to blow us both to hell and back,
but baby, i can't stop!
i need you desparately too!

we can worry about the consequences tomorrow.
it's sunny and clear right now,
so strip me down and make me yours.
it might be storming 10 minutes from now, but we can ride it out.
we never know after we hook up what the fall out will be.,
but give it 5 minutes, because like Ohio weather it could change!

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Scheduled Twinkies

i can't clear my brain long enough to have a thought.
pain envelopes everything i got.
i'd swallow a river of pills to drown my diseased bod.

my life is divided into the happy and the pain.
i spend more time on the dark side of my brain.
scattered to the wind on impulses whim,
i have no control when i'm without him.

i'm staring down the barrel of misery.
wondering when life will blow up in my hands.
one hour i'm up and then six i'm down.
i'm biding my time until i crash and burn.

i'm torching pieces of my soul as i go.
tearing into my reasons like fresh twinkies,
i devour what's left of my control.
i line up all my happy thoughts along the wall,
i execute them one by one until they're gone.

i wish i could block off my emotions,
like blocks of time on my calendar.
i could schedule my breakdowns inbetween meetings.
i'd pick Monday's to be perky.
Tuesday's I could be moody.
Wednesday could be neutral ground.
Thursday's I can space out a bit.
Friday I'd be down with it.
Saturday's I'd be the toast of the town.
And Sunday I'd wrap up and hide in my tears.

My mind is controlled by a remote I don't have access to.
so I go around surprising everyone.
even i get exasperated by how my mood turns on a dime.
i try to selectively remember the good times,
but the bad ones are on an infinite loop.

my pain and my fear eclipse what joy i come by.
pain and love hurt me the same.
one i can avoid and the other never leaves.
i wanted more, but i could settle for one day of predictabilty.