Doomed

the urge to call or text is overwhelming.
you pulled the plug.
you ended it.
i was brave at work, i swallowed my tears,
but on the way home i cried like i hadn't in years.

i'm so confused.
i don't know what to do.
so i'm suffering alone on the couch,
hopelessly lost because i couldn't figure you out.

your reaction surprised me.
we have a mutual acquaintance.
it should have been an it's a small world after all moment,
but you exploded and freaked out on me.
then you accused me of being a creepy cyber stalker,
like i was hunting you and your friends down online.

you didn't even say you were sorry.
you began to grill me.
things spiraled out of control.
then you said i was too much drama
and you let me go!

i'm hurt and sad but not mad.
i'm giving you time and space.
all my friend think you're hiding something
and that is why you got up in my face,
but i just miss you being at my place.

this love still echos inside of me.
i'm ruined by you and now i'm without you.
i feel doomed!

Scheduled Twinkies

i can't clear my brain long enough to have a thought.
pain envelopes everything i got.
i'd swallow a river of pills to drown my diseased bod.

my life is divided into the happy and the pain.
i spend more time on the dark side of my brain.
scattered to the wind on impulses whim,
i have no control when i'm without him.

i'm staring down the barrel of misery.
wondering when life will blow up in my hands.
one hour i'm up and then six i'm down.
i'm biding my time until i crash and burn.

i'm torching pieces of my soul as i go.
tearing into my reasons like fresh twinkies,
i devour what's left of my control.
i line up all my happy thoughts along the wall,
i execute them one by one until they're gone.

i wish i could block off my emotions,
like blocks of time on my calendar.
i could schedule my breakdowns inbetween meetings.
i'd pick Monday's to be perky.
Tuesday's I could be moody.
Wednesday could be neutral ground.
Thursday's I can space out a bit.
Friday I'd be down with it.
Saturday's I'd be the toast of the town.
And Sunday I'd wrap up and hide in my tears.

My mind is controlled by a remote I don't have access to.
so I go around surprising everyone.
even i get exasperated by how my mood turns on a dime.
i try to selectively remember the good times,
but the bad ones are on an infinite loop.

my pain and my fear eclipse what joy i come by.
pain and love hurt me the same.
one i can avoid and the other never leaves.
i wanted more, but i could settle for one day of predictabilty.

Cerulean Blue

the cerulean blue of your eyes is haunting my dreams at night.
i had replaced your image with another for a little while,
but i had a feeling that you'd be back again.

ever since you said hi to me, you've been as tempting as a piece of pie.
that one crisp cool october tuesday changed everything.
i tried to supress the chemical reaction you stirred up in me,
but over one year later your on my mind more then chocolate.

the winter's cerulean blue sky reminds me of the twinkle in your eyes.
the deep timber of your baltimore accented voice can say anything amazingly.
such a melodious sound, it brings goose bumps to my flesh.
your laughter and smile draw me into you and
i never want to leave your presence.

you're still a mystery to me.
am i another conversion project for you?
you're a tease in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans.
i love your hair short and goatee.

i want to grab you, pull you close, and kiss you.
but fear of rejection keeps my hands by my side.
this unrequited desire has me tied up in a mess.
my hot flashes only happen when you are near to me.

i'd love to lay with you on cerulean blue satin sheets.
i'd explore every inch of your glorious taunt flesh.
i know you're younger, but it doesn't factor.
you're old enough to have known how to please a woman.

i got caught up on the differences at first.
i was projecting my insecurities onto you.
when you've done everything right i still hesitated.
but now i'm ready to let all that go.

i'd go through child birth for you again.
just whisper to me what you want.
i can't wait to see the surprise in you cerulean blue eyes,
when i finally admit you're the one i need to complete me!

What the Hell?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was a sunny day
but you let the rain come pouring out of your mouth.
i didn't need a disertation on all the flaws our love's got.
i didn't ask for an invitation to a break-up party.

your bringing me down.
your drowning me out.
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now it's you gotta have your space
get out of my place
back away from my face
what the hell is this all about?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was to play
but you stomped around breaking all the toys.
i didn't want a presentation of how bad i am for you.
i didn't request your meditations on life with me gone.

your giving me a frown
treating me like a clown
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now your saying goodbye
making me cry
and telling whale sized lies
what the hell is this all about???

I Hate Surprises

I hate surprises. They make me miserable every time.
All these people lying to me and saying it’s for my own good.
Secrets need to be kept if there’s no harm.
I disagree with them. And I want to know before I’m ambushed
What the hell is going on?
I’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
If I don’t know I’ll tell you.
No sense making up bull shit that I won’t remember later.
Why bother to lie when I get caught every time?

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.

I hate surprises. It runs in my family.
I can’t keep a secret to save my life.
If I buy you a present I can’t wait to give it to you.
I’m addicted to the look of joy you give when you open it.
I know it’s not normal. I don’t care.
It’s who I am and what I do.
Forget the stories and the compromises.
Please make me this one promise no surprises.

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.

I hate surprises. Don’t jump out at me.
I startle easily. Don’t yell at me.
My hearing is fine. Go bother someone else next time.
I know it’s supposed to be fun.
I know it’s done with good intentions.
But every time I greet surprises with suspicions
I walk around thinking whose hiding what
And who should be telling me something their not

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.