Ranting

you know i try not to form opinions it feels like i'm catching a disease
i like my mustard on everything please
let's skip from the end to the beginning who needs the middle to understand
i cut up both of my hands just to see if i bled like a man

trivial pursuits bog down my heart
my little thoughts blow up bridges as i depart
you can't go anywhere with me
every time i flee i have to double back just to pee
up is a good day and down is most of my days
i wish you'd come around but wishes don't feed me

i feel a Godly grief deep in my bones
i beg the doctor to prescribe some relief but i never get any
i try to meditate to clear my head but i keep thinking you would love me more if i were dead
heart beats and dream dates never co-exist
all i seek is eternal bliss

i play the game not knowing the rules
i feel the pain thinking it is the ultimate truth
i conquer one fear to gain five more
this wheel is chasing me uphill
if affliction does us good i should be nominated for sainthood
rhyme and reason confuse all that is important only matters to you

set up the fall and begin the countdown to my demise
take good pictures or a video
i want to look tall and photo shop off fifty pounds
i don't want to look fatter than i already do
oh here i go again ranting like the mad woman that i am

Broke Me

my heartache echoes in my ears.
it's good to hear i'm alive.
i wondered because i feel so dead inside.
your negligence did this to me.
every word you didn't say taunted me.
all those little things added up and crushed us
i wish you'd let me in on the joke
one day you loved me the next day you left me
how can my heart cope with that

bring back your arrogance
hold me one more time with indifference
look into my eyes and tell me the pretty lies
i'll be waiting forever for you to mean your kiss
your cruelness broke me
but i don't know why i still can't let you go

my chest rises and falls with every breath
it's good to see i'm alive
i had doubts i had survived
your nonchalant goodbye did this to me
every step you took out of my life stomped the light out of me
all those suspicions were the end of us
i wish you'd told me sooner
one day you wanted me the next day you discarded me
how can my heart recover from that

bring back your disdain
tell me i'm not worthy
look right through me
i'll be here hanging on to the air that used to be you
your carelessness broke me
but i can't stop hoping you'll come back to me

Not Another Thought

i don't want to think about it, the end of you,
hush now, not another thought about you dying will ever cross my mind.
you got to carry on, you got to be the one that's strong.
you've carried me all my life, you can't give up, i'm not done needing your hand to hold on to.

i don't want to talk about it, the day you day,
hush now, not another word about your funeral will cross my lips.
you got to pull yourself together, you got to find a way to hold on.
you've been my rock all my life, you can't go, i'm not done needing your should to cry on.

i don't want to hear about it, the sad news of your passing one day,
hush now, not another syllable about your final wishes will be heard.
you got to stay positive, you are everything to me.
you've been the one to save me all my life, you got to be here, i'm not done needing you to rescue me on your white horse.

i don't want to think about it, the sad day you die,
hush now, not another thought about your death will cross my mind.
you will carry on, you will be strong.
you have to let me die first, because without you i'm lost.

Heavy Heart

heavy heart
slow start
sleep beckons

sorrowful soul
body cold
life disappoints

ringing ears
ideas barren
numbness seduces

painful thoughts
medication bought
alcohol drowns

aching hands
wasted woman
moral sinks

walking dead
throbbing head
lover demands

fighting air
lying cares
family abandons

heavy heart
forgotten part
dream reckons

Little Scraps of Paper

i document my feelings on little scraps of paper.
i have them tucked away in dark secret spaces,
wondering if any words can truly paint
an accurate picture of who i am.

the little scraps of paper are turning yellow.
the lead is fading and the ink smearing.
some of it is so light i can't read it anymore.
when the words disappear,
does part of me vanish with them?

i have written my life down.
sentences strung together haphazardly.
misspellings abound and i don't recall some of the emotions at all.
will anyone care that i felt so small?

i've built a papier-mache empire.
i surround myself with pens and post-it notes,
hoping to capture the elusiveness of my soul.
my pre-occupation with me prevents me
from forming meaningful attachements.
at least that's what a therapist told me long ago.

i spend hours speaking to the dead inside my head.
i'm trying to remember a forgotten friend.
i stand in the kitchen hoping to expose a fear,
but i end up eating chocolate
and writing on a napkin how i hope i choke.

i realize my little scraps of paper won't save me.
but i can't stop myself from adding to them.
when i die i want to be buried in a suit
made out of these little scraps of papers.
then i can review them with saint peter
as he decides if my immortal soul belongs in either heaven or hell.

Dead Inside

i'm dead inside.
no where to run or hide.
got nothing going on.
nobody to see or be.
just the deadness of the night
laid out in front of me.

we're all dead inside.
lock the doors.
clear your head.
lie down in your bed.
there's no point
because we're all dead inside.

we try to fill ourselves up
with what we buy.
we take time and
serve it up like pieces of a pie.
never full and never alive,
because we're all dead inside.

i'm dead inside.
got nothing to do but cry.
done telling myself lies.
the emptiness is mine.
just the deadness of my soul
swallowing me whole.
i'm dead inside.