Ranting

you know i try not to form opinions it feels like i'm catching a disease
i like my mustard on everything please
let's skip from the end to the beginning who needs the middle to understand
i cut up both of my hands just to see if i bled like a man

trivial pursuits bog down my heart
my little thoughts blow up bridges as i depart
you can't go anywhere with me
every time i flee i have to double back just to pee
up is a good day and down is most of my days
i wish you'd come around but wishes don't feed me

i feel a Godly grief deep in my bones
i beg the doctor to prescribe some relief but i never get any
i try to meditate to clear my head but i keep thinking you would love me more if i were dead
heart beats and dream dates never co-exist
all i seek is eternal bliss

i play the game not knowing the rules
i feel the pain thinking it is the ultimate truth
i conquer one fear to gain five more
this wheel is chasing me uphill
if affliction does us good i should be nominated for sainthood
rhyme and reason confuse all that is important only matters to you

set up the fall and begin the countdown to my demise
take good pictures or a video
i want to look tall and photo shop off fifty pounds
i don't want to look fatter than i already do
oh here i go again ranting like the mad woman that i am

Iron Will

my iron will has rusted out
leaving me susceptible to your smarmy charms.
there's no coffin big enough to hold all my doubts,
but i'll bury myself under your false pretenses.

my escape must be flawless.
i've super glued my smile on my face.
the duct tape holds my heart in place.
i can't chase you when you aren't running.
i have to laugh at how i thought you were sincere.

my fallacy was assuming you knew how to tell the truth.
i'm exhausted from arguing with myself.
i don't have any self-esteem left to give you.
support for us is down to my left pinky finger and i'm ready to cut it off.

my ears are burning from the lies you say.
i've stuffed my heart with fat to kill it.
i'd rather die at my own hands then your demands.
misery is lonely that is why it craves company.

my cognitive distortion was my thinking you'd leave her.
magical thinking can't bring me satisfaction.
your animal magnetism blew me away.
i felt you inside of me so the emotions must be real.

my groundless accusations are gaining traction.
i was told you like dirt better then having sex with me.
you're crazy to think this hasn't become personal.
i don't want to jump to conclusions, but you leave me no where else to go.

my discretion is growing from a whisper to a shout.
the lies must stop before they take over.
i disappear behind the cold wind of winter.
for now i think i can keep a lid on myself,
but i can't tell you it's forever or just until tomorrow.

Okay or Water Drenched Cells

as the years begin to accelerate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind,
i feel the failures have only just begun.
my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything.
i've gone from oblivious to hyper-observant.
trust is no longer a welcomed currency,
like the tumbling US dollar,
it's not something i want make deals with.

bow your head to pray.
be thankful God has abandoned us.
He truly is wise.
the plan's he had have been destroyed by his own creations.
so many questions are fueled by the insane passions of faith.
i think the scales are tilting toward are own destruction.

love with your entire being.
use every water drenched cell wrapped in billions of packages to conquer your demons.
we come in every shape, color and size.
i'm unable to fathom why we aren't as unique as we like to think we are.
connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky neat.
i don't want to feel anything else tonight.
i don't want to debate if you are wrong or right.

close, closer, closest.
move silently beyond your closed state of mind.
shut the door to opportunity.
quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead compartment.
it's a bumpy ride, but we love to fly high without leaving the ground.
i visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist to make it okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm tired of trying to be important or special.
i'm going for okay with only a few addictions.
i'm reaching out to just be okay.
okay?
okay!
okay.

Unfulfilled Desires

my heart doesn't know it's been broken.
i've been abandoned faster then a sinking ship.
the emptiness of your lies make me a laughing stock.
the high of your touch blindsided me.
you yanked my chains and pulled my hair.
we breathed as one, lust upon lust.
i felt your desire press against my ass.

i couldn't wait to taste you again, then it just ended!
abbreviated, i was truncated.
you robbed me of a new level of trust.
the lowest of the low crashed lower then ever before.
your hickey has faded, but your imprint remains.

i can't wait for this to pass.
the brief moment in my kitchen corner is over.
i scrubbed the counter over and over.
you had a dilemma, but i gave up before it began.
i lied to you, because i saw how she looks at you.
i don't steal, but i still feel.

i can't wait until she finds out about you.
i can't stay away.
you're the bug zapper and i'm the bug stupid enough to fly into you.
i'm not enough, even though you set me on fire.
you just walk away and watch me burn.
your kisses tasted like heaven.
your passion ignited dead desires.
now i'm yearning for your enthusiastic tongue against my breasts again!

i'm not waiting for you to come around to me again.
i'm adding another mistake with your name to my list.
a pattern is emerging, i'm putting this fire out.
i can't turn you around, so i'll just peddle faster to get over this hump.
i deserve more then you can give to me.
i am always the one doing all the sacrificing.
i'm lying in bed tonight with only my unfulfilled desires to keep me warm.

God Knows I'm Here

why do i bleed so much when my heart's been ripped out?
why do i cling to an idea that doesn't want me?
power leaves my body and i grow weak.
my mind gets caught up in fantasies.
i can not live on hope alone.
i hunger for more.
i am sick of chewing on old bones.

i am not important to the world.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him.
i weep when i hurt.
i leap for joy when i don't.
i got to have a good day today.
tomorrow, i don't know what mood i'll wake up in.

why do i lie to people to spare their feelings?
why do i cry for no reason?
my night's are lonely and i grow weak.
my body longs for the warmth of a man's touch.
i can't live on faith alone.
i have to learn to trust.
i have to let myself fall in love.

i am not someone special to you.
God knows i'm here,
but i struggle to keep him near.
i want to be more like you.
you are full of warmth and kindness.
i don't want to dominate our conversations.
tomorrow, i will ask you your thoughts and listen!

Every Bit of Me

the tone of your voice is slightly hypnotic.
that must be why i believe you
when you tell me to trust you.
i'd like to dance in the rain with you.
let the storm overcome us
and be soaking wet, drenched in the moment.
all the world revolving around our hearts' beating.

i don't live in reverse.
i love full speed ahead.
when i commit, i'm all in!
no retractions or substitutions.
i hand over every bit of me.
the good and the bad,
it's more then you've ever had.

the light sparkles in your bright eyes.
that must be why i think you only see me
when you enter a room.
i'd like to spend eternity with you.
let my life start now
and the past will evaporate.
the future is wide open.
all we've done before now is obsolete.

In His Hands

i pressed the delete key a 100 times today,
in an effort to erase all my mistakes.
i realized you can't erase all the errors,
you can only learn to forgive yourself
and let go of the guilt.

the thoughts in my head form like words in alphabet soup.
nothing makes sense but i always pull through.
my guardian angel must be exhausted.
there's dozens of times i should've been hurt.
i never think too far ahead.
i can barely survive the moment i'm in.

my life is a testament to perserverance.
i could've given up a million times,
but the holy ghost whispered telling me to forge ahead.
i don't know where i'm going.
God never shares his plans,
but i put my life in his hands.

when i'm worn out and beaten down,
his sweet spirit wraps around me
and drives out the cold.
my sorrows are never mine alone.
when i cry Jesus weeps with me.
my soul is soothed by praying in his name.

i place my hopes where i cannot see.
my faith is resilant and
when darkenss creeps up on me,
all i need to do is let his light in.
to believe is easy to give up control is hard,
but my life runs better when i put it in his hands
instead of my own!

Expected

i don't want to hurt anymore.
i'm tired of being tired.
i built you up higher then you could reach.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to care.
i expected you to love.
i expected way too much from you.

i don't want to argue with you.
you won't let me win the battle,
so i've stopped the war.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to try.
i expected you to reach out.
i expected way too much from you.

i can't think of a solution.
this mess is too big to fix.
you'll have to carry your own baggage now.
i'm sorry i expected too much.
i expected you to open up.
i expected you to trust.
i expected way too much from you.

you tried to set the bar low,
but i pole vaulted over you,
and expected you to keep up the pace.
i know now i expected way too much.
i expected respect.
i expected a committment.
i was stupid to expect so much from you!

Thank You

Appearances can be deceiving. I’m more confused than you know. There’s something missing but I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. I have to hide it away in my mind. I promised I wouldn’t tell. I’ll die before it passes through my lips. Your confessions left me caught influx. Lies are hard to say, words trip and get mixed around. I don’t want to let you down, but it’s hurting me to know how it’s been hurting you. Thank you.

You trust me. You hold me above the crowd. I’m your confidant. The secrets you hide with me are safe. I’m your neutral ground. I’m your haven in the storm. I won’t betray your trust. I won’t let you down. Your so put together. Your lines are well rehearsed. You act the part so well even I didn’t know your pain beneath the surface. You swore me to secrecy. You looked into my eyes and unburdened your soul to me. A greater gift I’ve never known. Thank you.