Breaking

Ah, the fog surrounds my car.
The fog invades my brain.
Thoughts fall into it's void
And I want to sleep all day.

I pull into the parking lot.
I got to back into a spot.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
It's these trivial things that get to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The drying doesn't heat up.
The computer won't boot up.
My bank account is hitting zero.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

Ah, the caffiene isn't working.
My blood is sludge.
Thoughts won't form
And I want to fade away.

I sign into my laptop.
I got to get some work done.
The deadlines are approaching.
It's stress like this that gets to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The cable is going in and out.
The car died in traffic.
My bills are overdue.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

This Winter

This winter is freezing me outside to in.
Hope cannot blossom under these persistant grey skies.
I try to find a smile inside of my soul,
but it's buried under several feet of snow.
It's impossible to discover joy when you can't stand up on ice.

This winter knows it brings death.
The flowers are dead. The grass has wilted.
The blue skies have disappeared.
The usual peace I find in the solemn white landscape
has been lost under inches of ice.

I'm not sure what I like anymore.
What used to make me laugh,
now just makes me sad.
I feel the strain of my beating heart.
My weight crushing me to death inside to out.

This winter has been painful.
The cold clings to me.
The wind tears through me.
I find myself curling up and
never wanting to leave my bed.

This winter seems endless.
The signs of spring are too far away to bring me comfort.
I used to want winter to stay.
But all I think about now is how much I miss the sun.

Darkness is in the sky and in my thoughts.
Contradictions are running wild inside of me.
Is there a storm of depression brewing in me?
I don't know if I can survive another one.
To be turned upside down again,
to feel my insides wanting out again.

This winter has eclipsed all expectations.
I had the calm, now it's all undone.
The snowflakes fall & each one makes me anxious.
All of it piles up around me,
I'm scared it will bury me.

This winter drapes the hills in the distance.
It all seems ominous to me now.
I want to runaway,
to somewhere that winter's icy grip cannont reach me.

Happy Is Gone

Stuck on what could have been;
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.

Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.

I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.

Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.

I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?

I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.

Consumer

I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.

I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.

I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.

Snowy Sky

I look outside
Up to the snowy sky
The big fat snowflakes
Erase the curves of the landscape.

The cold burns
My throat as I breathe
In then out
Hoping to escape the freeze.

The dog runs around
Joy in her eyes
Mine are downcast
Happiness is not easy for me.

I pull up my collar
Try to protect myself
From the brutal blizzard
Of gray and gloom.

I look up to
The snowy sky
And I wonder
Will i survive this winter?

Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

MeeMaw

I sit down to write you a letter,
but I fear it won't be enough
to lift your spirits.
I want to get a smile out of you.

I guess I could pick up the phone,
but the words won't form.
I get overwhelmed with how much I miss you.
I don't want you to hear my tears.

I would like to send you an e-mail,
but you don't own a computer.
And I wonder if I could get through
the years of distance with one hello to you.

I send the cards when I'm supposed to -
the birthday, the christmas holiday.
The one I wish I didn't need;
that get well card was sincerely meant.

My love is always yours,
as far back as I can remember,
I've adored you.

Your sweet smelling perfume.
The prim and proper ruffled tops.
The hair in a bun at first dark brown
then a soft gray.

You're the one true person that will
always be a part of me.

All my love,
Little Irene

Something Inside of Me

there's something inside of me i can't control. my life swirls and twirls by me while i sit in the passenger seat and watch an invisible hand on the steering wheel drive me mad. i'm living in a circle of distrust. and the one person i reach out to won't call me back.

i'd go anywhere, even to the ocean, which i fear to get rid of you. i'd go to the circus, even though i hate clowns, to get you out of my head. just tell me what you want me to do and i'll follow through or i'd at least try to

there's something inside of me defeating my purpose and stealing my hope. i want to set it free. i want to let it runaway, but like a moth to a flame i can't separate it from me.

i'd say anything if you'd stay. i'd tell you that you're right and i'm wrong, even if it's not true, though it is. i'd lay down all my guilt so you could walk all over it, just like you walked all over me. i want you back, i do, but not really.

there's something inside of me spewing nonsense and telling lies. i want to turn it off. it has to have a abort button somewhere. i need to find a path to bypass it. i think i can't survive without it.

Southern Jim

I tried to put myself in the shoes of a soldier's wife. My brother was in Iraq for awhile, thankfully he came home safely. I wish all of our soldiers come home safe and sound to their waiting families.

My beloved, southern Jim, i miss you most at night, when the house is dark and i lie in our bed, instead of hearing your snoring, there's only silence.

i know it's hard for you too. so much harder for you then us here. my sweet southern Jim, your soul is drying up and your skin is getting burnt and you sleep every night in dirt. i feel your hurting and i want you to know that whatever you do over there doesn't change the man you are to me.

if there's blood on your hand's, wash them clean. it's you doing only what you've been ordered to do. you're a good soldier and a good man. my compassionate southern Jim, let the guilt rest upon the shoulders of those that called you to war. Don't let the evil corrupt your soul. i still love you my darling, my southern Jim.

i sing our song in my head. it's been ours since high school, but it's just as beautiful today as is our love that still remains for each other. i blame myself for where you are. if we'd had more time before our babies came, then you'd been able to get more education. the educated have more choices. they have more of everything, my brave, southern Jim.

but don't you worry about the money. you did what you needed to do to support our growing family. please believe me when i say i'm proud of you and the fight you battle inside yourself everyday. be safe, my love, my southern Jim

i'm watching the political scene shifting quicker then the sand you're always covered in. things are looking as if chaos is coming full speed ahead, so please, keep your head down and my picture tucked in the pocket of your uniform over your heart. i'm there with you every second. i'd never leave you, my southern Jim

my beloved, southern Jim, i'll always be your northern belle. no nation or war can destroy what only love has built. rest in peace, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my children's father. i already miss you beyond repair. i'll see you again one day in heaven, my wonderful, southern Jim. Save some mint julip for me in heaven, my one and only southern Jim.

The Power of Thought

i think i'm beautiful then i am beautiful. i think i'm smart then i am smart, i think i'm confident then i am confident. i think positively then i am positive. it worked for miss piggy, moi, hi-ya! that tony robbins made a fortune with his can do attitude. so why not me? i can do it too.

"SHUT UP U F*CKING TREKKIE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

u are stupid. u are fat. u are lazy. u r negative. u r negative. that's what u r. that's who i am. i can't untangle the darkness strangling my brain to death. my thoughts spiral downward into depression's familiar kiss. can God save me from my own abyss?

"SHUT UP U WHORE. U R NO ONE. U R NOTHING. STOP UR BITCHING. I'M F*CKING SICK OF IT."

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

cut open my head, pull out my brain, clean it with bleach until it's pristine, then i'll be free.

i'll be dead, but baby, that's better then being who i am.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

I Chase Away All the Good

my heart has dried out smaller then the grinch's before he gave back christmas. i'm in the middle of a love drought, unable to find an oasis to save me from these hallucinations. i'm dying slowly each man at a time. i go through them like there's an endless supply. i can't settle and i won't compromise. i chase away all the good in my life.

i like the bed all to myself. i love my bed more then anyone else. there's only room for one. you might visit when i want some sex, but the invitations short lived and i move on. ignore me, store me in tupperware. throw me in the freezer, cut off all my hair. you were ok and the chemistry was in the middle of the periodic table. put the sparks fade, the light's dim, and i chase away all the good in my life.

i've been accused of many crimes. i've committed some and got away barely every time. the infractions were small but the message was clear, i believed the laws are bendable if you know how to play to the crowd. public opinion is panicing people too scared to read the facts. knee jerk reactions lead to law changes that can't be enforced because the officers are outnumbered. so i chase away all the good.

i can make all the observations i want. i can talk nonsense and bash anyone in the world because i have free speech but am i free. my taxes eat away any hope i'll ever escape from my debt. thank god debtor's prison no longer exists. i'd be there living on water and bread. i chase away all the good.

there's no point in living if you lay in bed all day. prop up the pillows and hacksaw open my brain. find the section that is rotted and black, cut it out so it never grows back. then maybe one day i'll stop chasing all the good away.

Empty Valentine

Valentine's day on the horizon;
Love in the sunset.
I haven't met him yet.
My reservation has been cancelled.
My red roses are dead.
And I feel empty inside.

Love is an elusive feeling;
I keep chasing without success.
It never lasts long enough for me.
Feb. is bitter sweet misery.
My chocolates have spoiled.
My stuffed animals are in the trash.

Nothing says I love you like murder;
Diamonds that sparkle and shine blind you.
My heart's been ripped out one too many times.
My balloons have deflated.
My glass slipper has shattered.
And I feel empty inside.