Wash Me Away

there's plenty of work for me to do but it sits.
i feel flustered and unfocused.
my thoughts hop from one to another like the Easter bunny going house to house.
i can't decide on anything and my mind begins to bend.
15 minutes ago i was in a good mood.
then out of the blue the shades were drawn and now i'm confused and scattered.

oh, how this disease plays to win.
an attitude for every minute of every day.
the tidal waves of crushing emotions wash me away.
all that remains is a sea of exhaustion for me to drown!

there's concern knocking on the door for me.
i feel forgotten and underwhelmed.
my heart skips a beat or two trying to contain my panic.
i can't overcome it; and my hands begin to tremble.
yesterday went by so fast, but today's misery drags.
i need to hold on to the up's but the down's come too quickly.
now i'm distraught and shattered.

oh, how this disease taunts me.
a feeling for every color in the spectrum.
the storm's rain is washing me away.
all that remains is a shell full of negative space!

there's more despair then hope left here.
i feel fearful and misunderstood.
my soul bounces around different ideas to save it.
i can't settle for what tied me over before.
two days ago peace evaporated and has yet to return.
i thirst for the refreshing taste of calm.
now i'm empty and broken.

oh, how this disease destroys me.
these moods come and go as they please.
i scrub so hard to try and wash it away.
all that remains is me getting sucked down the drain.

oh,how this disease washes me away!

Chills Down Their Spines

i've finally achieved the impossible, i've become invisible.
it seems only my dad and daughter can see me.
everyone else looks right through me.
my existence forgotten, my image lost, i am no one!

i'd pray to God if i thought it'd help.
i'd lose more weight if i thought it'd make a difference.
i can alter my external appearance a million ways,
but i'd still be imperfect.

i want to bend until i break.
i want to surrender and be killed by friendly fire.
i'd love to be lovable, but i'm not.
i'd like to be popular, but i won't.
you realize early on some things never change.

i'm in love with wanting to be in love.
the concept is a wonderful sweeping and grand gesture.
reality is a harsher and much closer friend.
the truth depends on who you talk to.
there's not a single formula to create the person in your dreams.

i think in milliseconds that i'm a terrible person.
these negative affirmations never end.
i'll have them dance on my grave before i'm even dead.
the show could go on forever.
if only i could reach deeply into my mind to find the moment where my happiness died,
i might be able to revive it.

my misconceptions have outgrown me now.
every one can see i'm broken somehow.
i'm ignored by all.
people don't want to see me, because it's painful.
the thought of me sends chills down their spines,
because we all know there's a little bit of me in them.

Only God Knows

i'm trying to stay positive.
it's hard when negativity hits me every day.
how many blows to my soul can i take?
only God knows. only God knows.

i try to be optimistic.
i got bad news today.
how many times can i be disappointed?
only God knows. only God knows.

i try to be helpful.
i always offer a helping hand.
how long can i withstand all the rejection?
only God knows. only God knows.

i get worn out.
my life seems endlessly tough.
when will my trials end?
only God knows. only God knows.

i dare not forsake my faith.
i can't always feel good.
how will i move forward?
only God knows my heart.
only God knows me.

A Bunch of Words

uninspired
depressed
worthless
feelings as words collapse me inward

doubts
fears
disappointments
all that i have makes me see what i lack

i'm caught up in a game i don't know how to win
i twisted my arm, but i can't forgive
i have two left shoes on
that's the way love dresses me

cold
gray
windy
mother nature matches my mood

slippery
icy
steep
i'm sick of falling down the slopes i'm on

i'm overwhelmed to the point of implosion
i want to runaway to find some sun
the car is out of gas
i guess i'm stuck here in my best dress

nothing
empty
closed
it all adds up to a negative

denial
broken
shattered
i can't make sense of this

i'm not looking for a ten
i thought for once i got lucky
but this is just a bunch of words
that never add up to a life that's worthy

The Power of Thought

i think i'm beautiful then i am beautiful. i think i'm smart then i am smart, i think i'm confident then i am confident. i think positively then i am positive. it worked for miss piggy, moi, hi-ya! that tony robbins made a fortune with his can do attitude. so why not me? i can do it too.

"SHUT UP U F*CKING TREKKIE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

u are stupid. u are fat. u are lazy. u r negative. u r negative. that's what u r. that's who i am. i can't untangle the darkness strangling my brain to death. my thoughts spiral downward into depression's familiar kiss. can God save me from my own abyss?

"SHUT UP U WHORE. U R NO ONE. U R NOTHING. STOP UR BITCHING. I'M F*CKING SICK OF IT."

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

cut open my head, pull out my brain, clean it with bleach until it's pristine, then i'll be free.

i'll be dead, but baby, that's better then being who i am.