Every Screw

i'm gonna climb the highest mountain and catch a ride on a shooting star.
i'm going to ride it until it falls.
i'll take this high until i crash and burn.
up i go with no safety net,
no hopes or dreams to catch,
i'll never accept i can shine.

bring me a piece of the sun.
close out this darkness.
hold onto your criticims.
i don't need an activist.
i won't reject you if you'll let me go.

i lost it back there.
i keep climbing stairs to nowhere.
my heart is smoking a special blend of fears.

the devil told me God didn't want me,
but yesterday i saw an angel smiling at me.
somewhere between my destruction and my salvation is where i can find what i need.

buy me a teflon soul.
let my nervous system reboot.
i didn't need a preacher.
your opinions are freely given,
but cost me all i hold dear.

i'm dancing across our history.
i feel like newly fallen snow my dog just shit on.
you never could let me slide.
you got to tighten every screw in my mind.

i can't forget the seeds you plant.
i got my weed whacker in shot glasses.
i'll cure this afflication until it kills you in my reflections.

i say crazy things and i mean them.
i deal in quantum madness.
multiply me by my infinite sadness.
the blackhole i've swallowed is turning me into you.
God forbid if there are two!

Lock

happiness is a wonderful feeling.
joy fills you with warmth.
once upon a time i knew those feelings.
how i live in the past these days.
nothing in my present compares;
love's bittersweet taste on my tongue.
if i unwrap your last gift i'll have nothing left.

this is my place in space, locked in one moment of time.
i don't complain to anyone.
you can't unload your problems, because everyone has their own.
i'm locked into living in a moment that will never repeat.

misery is a cold black wet blanket.
sadness fills my heart with ice.
i know these feeling every damn day.
how they make my future look bleak.
i compare present to past for answers,
but none have surfaced.

i run in place, remembering the feel of your presence.
i don't bother others with these thoughts.
my problems are mental when others have real issues.
i'm locked into what you and i were meant to be.

black and white disagree but i only see gray.
in my soul there's nothing now.
i want to escape but as long as your everywhere i can't.
there's no freedom in these chains of your memory.
i get dragged down to the bottom of all that's surreal.

you locked me up with your love.
you tossed away the key when you left me.
now i sit and spin my wheels waiting for you to release me.
i don't know how to open the lock without you.
just come back for an hour.

Face Value

i'll try to keep this short
life for me is sadness
i have nothing new to report
life for me is madness
no one to meddle
no one to cuddle

ignore me i babble
take me at face value
live the opposite
my truth isn't copesthetic

i'll try to be honest
breathing is a chore
i'm so modest
i know i'm a bore
no one listens
no one misses

this is how it's been
one year blends into forever
i'll never recover
i'm a perpetual has been

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

Unrelenting Sorrow

the brightest tomorrow can come undone by unrelenting sorrow.
i miss you my friend.
my heart won't stop crying.
my misery knows no end.

the blue sky mocks me.
the sunny weather taunts me.
the world doesn't stop
because you broke my heart.

the happiest memory isn't enough to dispel this unrelenting sorrow.
i cannot contain my pain.
my soul is burning.
all my joy has fled.

children's laughter rings hollow in my ears.
a baby's cooing brings me despair.
no one cares
that you broke my heart.

this unrelenting sorrow won't ever let me go.
so i sit here and mope.

Done

i was searching for someone to share the burden,
so i wouldn't have to face the world alone.
i thought you could be the one,
but that just came undone!

rant, rave, be the lunatic you crave!
faint, fret, wreck all your bets!
cave, confess, leave me a mess!

it was easy for me to love you,
but it was hard for you to let me.
go ahead and do it on your own.
the road you've chosen is 10x's harder then it needs to be.

you told me it's time to settle down.
you weren't untethered long enough to know.
i put my money down, hoping time would set you free.
but i'll never be your one,
in your eyes i'm done!

cuss, fuss, do what you must!
lie, die, break down and cry!
jump, punch, you didn't leave me much!

it was easy to fuck you,
but it was hard to stop there.
go ahead and make your own way.
the path your on will kick you when you're down.

i cant' wait for you to come around.
i won't force you to be my one.
this sadness i feel is all from you.
so i'm through, done, it's over!
i'm alone again and that's just how it's done!

Embrace God

the sun has set on my creativity.
my thoughts are like a ceiling fan, they spin and spin.
it always sounds better in my head.
i don't move, why bother,
by the time i get what i need,
i'll forget why i wanted it.

i'm down on myself again.
he hates when i do that,
but i can't control it.
it's like an invisible hand takes
command and my brain shifts to depressed.

there's a shitload of pills on the market.
but i don't want to be addicted.
i don't want to be dependent.
i want to live just the way i am.
to fix me, only feels like you're breaking me.
it hurts to have someone tell you you're crazy.
even when i know they aren't wrong.

these days the world's tilting more to the left.
i am trying to control who orbits around my planet.
i think you've succumb to my gravitational pull.
i want us to supernova.
my love for you can kill you.

my senses are alive with pain.
the nerves are sending agony to my brain.
all my neurons fire at once.
i'm cascading into a firestorm of chaotic thought.
i want to take a knife and cut my soul out of my flesh.
i can smell the blood of my release.

none of this flows together.
if you seek logic you should read elsewhere.
my journey has an expiration date.
one day i'll embrace God.
But for now i'll just get drunk on Strongbow!

Red Roses

i have my rose colored glasses on.
the world looks bright and new.
this hope for us springs eternal.
i'm excited about our future.
i'm so happy you're free now.
you can be with me now!

life is coming up red roses of love.
i'm dancing around like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into an optimistic tool.

i have my blue tinted glasses on.
my heart is heavy and my frown in place.
this worry for us brings me down.
i'm concerned about our future.
i'm so sad you can't let her go.
when you can be with me now!

life is coming up thorns on dead red roses of love.
i'm falling in love with you like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into a teary eyed pool.

i have ripped off my glasses.
i want to see this just as it is.
this idea of us need a practical spin.
the future remains up in the air.
i'm wanting more then you can give.
you aren't ready to be with me now!

life hasn't come around with any red roses of love at all.
i'm being a fool.
thinking you could so easily move on from her.
love made me totally uncool.

Self-Inflicted

my heartbreaks are self-inflicted.
i fall in love with the impossible.
i comply to appease,
then i supress contrary emotions.
until i erupt, like an emotionally
charged cussing volcano.

people think i'm happy this way.
i've just been burned one too many times.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
and i don't want to get hurt anymore.
so, i put myself in isolation.
my lonliness is self-inflicted
to protect myself from pain.

you'd think these realizations
would enable me to be a better person.
but my misery is self-inflicted.
logically, it all makes sense,
but the angsty teen in me refuses to believe
that love can end happily.

just once i'd like to break away
from my self-inflicted sadness.
and punish myself with some happiness.
but fear keeps a strict house
and i am her willing prisoner.
to be alone is to be calm.
to be calm is to find peace.
i need the peace to keep the pieces of
my shattered heart together.

Happy Is Gone

Stuck on what could have been;
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.

Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.

I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.

Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.

I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?

I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.

Giving Up

I am tired and I am weary.
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
People keep telling me it’s time to move on.
Throw out the old and get on with the new,
But they ain’t ever been in love with you.
Every time I start to let go
There you are begging for one more try
When do I have to draw the line?
I’ve already bleed to death several times

I am tired and I am weary
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
You think you have finally found someone to love
She’s everything you wanted in a woman
She drives you wild and makes you want more
And the best thing about her is she isn’t me
It’s just like you to make me feel like nothing

I am tired and I am weary
I am alone and I am blue
I searched my heart and came up empty.
It sure is hell being in love with you.
I guess it’s too late to start over
I thought someday you would come around
Realize how much you need me
But I am just kidding myself to think you ever cared
If it isn’t about you then you don’t even notice I’m there
So here we go on this ride of denial
Where everything is nothing and its all smiles
It’s hell to be in love
It sucks to be in love
And I am just giving up on you

The Good Guy

I have power in my hands.
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
There’s so much blood on my hands at this rate they’ll never be clean again.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

The one who saves the day.
But I can’t be there always, so I get all the blame.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

The one who does the right thing.
But it’s hard to tell right from wrong these days.
I have to be perfect but I never am.
Everyone who watches me never sees me the way I am.
The expectations of the world are crushing me.
The publics favor twists in the wind.
I’m supposed to be the good guy.

My life is complicated.
I hold my feelings in.
I’m afraid to show who I love how I feel.
I have to pay the price every time I do.
My loved one’s suffer for me and they’ve done nothing wrong.
I want to walk away.
I want to throw it all away.
But at the end of the day.
Here I am and I’m supposed to be the good guy.

The Road

Driving into the night under the vast black satin sky
Stars sprinkled across its canvas
I sit and ponder what just happened
You said Goodbye and Here I am crying into the night

I pass a sign telling me where I am
There are signs telling me where I’ve been
Signs about dangerous curves ahead
I saw no signs that you and I were going to end
You said Goodbye and here I am crying into the night

The road lulls me
The hum of the engine comforts me
My thoughts follow the bends in the road
I wish I had windshield wipers on my eyes
Because I’m crying like a hard driven rain
Here I am crying into the night

I am lost without a place to pull over and ask for directions
I am broken down and there’s no tow truck to call
I am wrecked but there’s been no collision
I have blown it and my tires are fine
You said Goodbye
You said Goodbye…

You Were Mine

I turn the page and wipe the tears from my eyes.
One more day without you.
It’s a heavy cross to bare.
Looking at your pictures my heart swells with bittersweet pride, because you were mine.
You were mine.

It seems long ago and far away those days we laughed and loved.
The sun would catch the highlights in your hair.
You were so care free.
The world was your play toy.
No one would deny you.
Your smile opened so many hearts and you were mine.
You were mine.

You were snatched away too soon.
My pain goes on unending.
Time cannot heal these wounds of mine.
My heart will never forget you were mine.
You were mine.

Every morning I awoke to your face.
I got to watch you move and your grace always took my breath away.
You were so beautiful.
I felt blessed you were mine.
You were mine.

I could see jealousy in others eyes every time you walked holding my hand.
Our little universe we made up for just the two of us.
The sun was brighter.
The burden’s of life were lighter all because you were mine.
You were mine.

Once upon a time you were mine!

I am sad

I am sad
I am lonely
I feel like crying
I am fat
I am ugly
I can’t shut up
I am up
I am down
I just hate life
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am hurt
I am angry
I get left out
I am deaf
I am blind
I have no heart
I am outside
I am beside
I never get inside
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am here
I am there
I do not know you
I am scared
I am confused
I cannot feel you
I am numb
I am mute
I just am
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I just am.

Not Today

I sat with everyone else around your death bed today
I heard your struggled breathes
I watched your brief moments of consciousness
I heard my Daddy say that God didn’t answer any of his prayers

People say I’m one of those that believe in miracles, in hopes, and in dreams
But not today
Today all I smell on the air is death.
Today the sky is truly gray and a hard rain falls.
Today I am full of doubts.

I kissed your scabbed and bruised forehead that still bears the marks where they tried to cut the cancer out of you
In a year you went from a vibrant light to a dimmed shell of the woman I love.
I see the tears in my Daddy’s eyes as he struggles between falling apart and being strong.

People say I’m one of those that believe in miracles, in hopes, and in dreams
But not today.
Today all I see is her dying in a hospice bed.
Today all I see are the faces fighting back tears.
Today I can’t believe in anything.

God, I am losing faith in you.
I know all the prayers I prayed in your son’s name go unanswered.
Because if you’d heard me then she’d be better and cancer free
So right in this moment at my kitchen table I am heartbroken and
Too damn depressed to believe in anything.
Today it’s all mirrors, bibles, and lies.

So forgive me. Today I can’t pray. Not today. No, not today.
Because it hurts too much.
The power went out and all the lights went dark.
Today the darkness is all around us.
Today I’ve tucked away all my hopes and dreams.
Today there’s no point to believe.
Not today. No, not today. I have no faith today.

I Don't Do Anything Right

i have missed a class, a handbook, a dummies guide, a t.v. special, a documentary, something on how a woman is to find, attract, and keep the interest of a man. I screw it up every time. Or if I like him he doesn't like me or I find out a guy I like and thought didn't like me did like me. Or they just happen to find the perfect woman the week after we started going out. Or they're too busy to spend time with you. Or anyone or anything in their life is more important then you. Ouch!

Why did I think this shit would get easier with age and time? all i've managed to do is end up with a broken marriage and a long list of men I REALLY REALLY WISH i had never dated. According to all those stupid test and quizzes I'm looking for a witty, intelligent, tall, manly, funny, handy, and sweet man. Where the hell do I pick one of those up? (and i don't date blondes and redheads, they just don't flip my switches)

I give up. My OB/Gyn actually recommended I stay home and spend quality time with my cat until my Man judgement improves. I told her if I did that I'd never date or have sex ever again. But it looks like that's going to happen anyways.

i know my mind doesn't work like most mind's work, and i'm afraid if i find a guy that gets me then he'll be just like me, which would drive me nuts. I'd hurt him. Nothing more annoying then living with someone that is a LOT like you (sorry baby G).

it's so bad to want to watch a movie snuggled up to man instead of a cat that bites and claws you if you try to pet him.

oh, well, i guess you get what you give. i don't trust myself to date right now. i'm too jaded and cynical to believe any word that comes out of the opposite sex's mouth.

I give up. I'll see how I feel about dating, men, sex, and the whole brutal world of male/female dynamics after the new year. Maybe this Christmas i'll get a miracle, but i sincerely doubt it.

Inadequate Poet

i've been struck down. i've been pinned to the bulletin board of my own inadequacies. i'm not clever, witty, or wise. my attempts at words and rhymes are no grander then a cockroach's demise. millions more attempt this craft with results so spectacular i can only fantasize about delivering such profound bullshit to the world.

water, no pop or sweets, eggs, frozen meals for one, sausage, and biscuits in a tube. i'll wait for the day to break me. i look back on the life that's graced me, when you were mine. the time came and it has gone. one more failure to add to the long list. all i need to go on is my grocery list.

in a trance i glance across the unlimited vastness of google-dom. in the world wide web all is defined, clarified, and critiqued. there are self-proclaimed experts in every field, the words so similiar, it's like they are real. all is resolved within the comforts of your own home. let me in. let me know all that i am ignorant of. make me a jester at the court of knowledge. there really is a ihateclowns.com and a i-am-bored.com in cyber-existence. world peace is in reach with all the world being connected as one via the internet.

crazy? sick? twisted? fractured? broken? used? trashed? lazy no good bitch? or is it all making a sort of lame kind of sense. sometimes even i get scared when i think i've had a thought that might have broken new ground, but that can't be all the greatness has been mined from the minds of anyone worth knowing. so brush me off, shake me loose, settle down comfortably back into the little noose that tightens with every slip of our rights we sacrifice to feel safe in our homes at night. we've given the world just enough rope to hang everyone with, together or apart one cannot live in this world without rippling through everyone else's world.