Far Flung Angel

tossed aside like a worn out rag doll,
i wanted you to kiss away my tears.
all my life i danced to the tune of my fears.
i see the end of the road and i'm not liking it!
the collision is destined and i have to live with that.

God threw me out into the world;
blonde and grey eyed, daddy's little angel;
one mistake followed by another,
it all adds up to me being a nervous wreck.
i pray to God for some relief,
but this far flung angel is out of His reach!

tell me the truth, i know it'll hurt.
i've sugar coated my faults and now no one recognizes me including me.
i wrote it all down in an emergency suicide note,
but i'll never kill myself,
but one day i'll destroy myself.

little girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice,
but i'm just crazy with rotten habits i can't break.
mommy's little angel lives life to the hilt.
my halo's broken and my wings are torn.
God has forgotten this far flung angel He used to adore.

i wish upon a planet.
my wishes are too big for the stars.
i want silence inside my head and peace within my heart.
i don't know where to start.
i saw the world in black and white,
but now i'm so far out i can't find the light.

dear God,
i'm off course.
i've flung myself upon the mercy of sin
and you can see what bad shape i am in.
please forgive this far flung angel and let me back in!

My Lost Hope

you were a hope i never got to hold.
this morning my world came apart.
my heart has frozen solid and stopped.
this is how it feels to lose a child.
i never got to see you born.
God gave me the possibility of you,
but then God took away the reality of you.

i still have the booties and the sleeper.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around not being able to keep you.
i'm devastated and hurting.
the physical pain will fade as you bleed out of me,
but the sorrow i feel will never fade.
i'm sorry i wasn't able to stop you from leaving.

i've been reassured this isn't my fault,
but i feel as if i'm being punished by God.
i don't even know if you were a boy or a girl.
my lost hope, i love you still.
i feel literally empty without you.
i'm the only one who wanted you.
i would've cherished and adored you.
my little angel, rest in heaven now,
i will always miss you.

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.

Untitled

i'm floating inside myself
an Effervescence feeling spreading
through my nervous system
my vision blurs
my feet feel light as air
my head is spinning
almost like an angel has
lifted me up with its hands

flashes of memories locked away
inside a corroding brain
desperately fight to remain
before they're erased by
some mundane fact
or abandoned into nothing
like a penny on the sidewalk
no one bothers to pick up
because it's worth so little

i've detached from my skin
it's milky white porcelain cold
molds and folds over an ugly
sack of water
i am no more then flesh
and i am no less a sentient being
i feel like a doll that's had
her head ripped off and
been thrown in the trash

life is joke and death is the punch line
all i hope for is some laughter
and some love but i find today
i have no sense of humor
so i'll have to walk around
the vacant hallways of knowledge
until i see that i'm nothing at all

all i imagined life to be
those one day when i grow up dreams
have fallen far from the mark
no one can blame my parents
or my childhood or my siblings
they're all stronger then me
i'm the black sheep
the kink in the family chain

jubilantly i curse myself
inside and out i count my flaws
perplexed by my diversity
and complete lack of ethics
i fit only when i don't belong
fate's meaning crystal clear
i know where i end and where
i began the circle completes
at our first forced screams
i can't win this ancient war
i surrender then all goes dark