Silent

i don't know where to start
and i have no idea how to end it
this is wrong no matter how you spin it
the words come and go but none capture the moment
i'm silent

my ears heard you say it
i saw the expression on your face
you were serious and full of intentions
i'm not sure if they were good or bad
which direction you are heading is a mystery
you're waiting for my response
i'm silent

normally, i can fire off a quick quip
brush off your shots easily
dodge your bullets like a pro
whenever you try to get under my skin
i deflect you again and again
but this was unexpected
its not like you to cut so deep to hurt me
your cheshire like grin leaves me Silent

did you read a self help book
or join an online relationship forum
the other day you mentioned being at your wits end
i didn't pay attention to it
i never do when you say stupid things like that
i love you isn't that enough for you
now we are staring at each other
you're holding your breath now
we are now both Silent

i think you broke us
i don't know what to do or say
i let the Silence stay
i grab my coat
i go out the door
and i walk away

The Hope

the hope is what hurts the most.
the feeling arises and infuses you with new energy.
the fall from hope deflated wrecks the hardiest of souls.

the hope left me broken.
the joy drained from my body.
my face reflected pure disappointment.
the hope had been what i had lived for.
pain rips my heart apart.
the spring has gone dry!
the hope was all i needed and you made damn sure you took that too!

the hope built me up on a house of cards.
i'd smile at random thoughts of happiness.
you gave me moments to nurse my hopes.
your little notes fed my hopes and they had grown to epic proportions.

the hope couldn't last.
like your love it was false.
now i sit alone in the coldness of despair.
i'm in withdrawal from hope's sweet bliss.
it's hard to see past this.
i once had hope and now i don't;
that's what hurts the most.

Don't Hesitate

don't hesitate, take my breath, breathe life into yourself at my expense.
sacrifice me for a greater good; disappear into his light.
when i'm on my own my heart struggles to thrive.
if i give myself to you i become stable once more.

i'm stubborn, selfish, and greedy in this minute i see all my life behind me
and ahead of me and there's only misery everywhere i have ever been.
i stay true to myself and it is killing me one day at a time!
i am merely human. on my own i stand alone.

if i'm brave enough to let you take over i will be whole again.
i'm scared. it is natural for me to hold back bits of me.
i fight even though i know this is right.
control is a game i was never meant to win.
so here i go down your road leaving behind all i've ever known.

these gifts you've given me have been misspent.
all my years i've failed to repent.
my sins are small in quality but overwhelming in quantity.
i always flinch when you stare into me.
now i must overcome every action i have taken.
i give you the power, go crazy with that wrecking ball.
rebuild this broken house into your palace.
i want you to live here, in me, with me, as me;
i want to be one with you, better inside and out.

we passed by the detour.
now we go on the long and winding road.
every bump, every curve, and every hill has to be felt.
my soul is in sorry shape, i let myself go long ago.
don't hesitate, not tomorrow, but now, it starts right now!
i exercise my right to choose!
God, I choose you!!!
Jesus, I choose you!!!
Salvation, I choose you!!!

Parasitic Host

i wrap myself up in my personal make believe;
hunkered down and ready to defend every delusion i have left to the end!
i'm not dumb!
reality is not my friend.
i'm ugly.
i'm fat.
i'm hosting a parasite and it's all my fault!

i crawl into bed and surrender to the game.
i can't take one more heartache or one more broken promise.
even my appliances are dying!
i know i have to go into the world tomorrow.
i accept the fact i have to function to eat, but i won't accept defeat.
i'm escaping from this drudgery.
i'm grabbing my dreams and losing myself in them.

i don't always know what i want and i never seem to get what i need.
the tediousness of my waking seconds depresses me.
i tried to be better.
the odd in me suffered.
my blood runs backwards like all my lover's leave me.
i find comfort when i'm asleep.
i twist and turn out all the knots when my eyes are closed.

i wake up into uncertainty and confusion.
i break!
my closeness to insanity varies from hour to hour.
i have my little moments of victory that get me through the day.
all i ask for is quiet, but the static stalks me.
he has left me.
i'm not surprised.
i can't undo me.
i'm becoming one with solitude.
chit chat bores me.
nothing engages my senses.
i want to stay here and hide.
one day maybe when the parasite dies i'll bother to try!

Far Flung Angel

tossed aside like a worn out rag doll,
i wanted you to kiss away my tears.
all my life i danced to the tune of my fears.
i see the end of the road and i'm not liking it!
the collision is destined and i have to live with that.

God threw me out into the world;
blonde and grey eyed, daddy's little angel;
one mistake followed by another,
it all adds up to me being a nervous wreck.
i pray to God for some relief,
but this far flung angel is out of His reach!

tell me the truth, i know it'll hurt.
i've sugar coated my faults and now no one recognizes me including me.
i wrote it all down in an emergency suicide note,
but i'll never kill myself,
but one day i'll destroy myself.

little girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice,
but i'm just crazy with rotten habits i can't break.
mommy's little angel lives life to the hilt.
my halo's broken and my wings are torn.
God has forgotten this far flung angel He used to adore.

i wish upon a planet.
my wishes are too big for the stars.
i want silence inside my head and peace within my heart.
i don't know where to start.
i saw the world in black and white,
but now i'm so far out i can't find the light.

dear God,
i'm off course.
i've flung myself upon the mercy of sin
and you can see what bad shape i am in.
please forgive this far flung angel and let me back in!

The Love They Got

you won't find my heart in the high priced aisle's;
it's stuck in the back, marked down, got to go,
almost free & it don't even got to be to a good home.
i watch the people pass me by
and i wonder if i'm too tattered and torn
to ever get the love they got.

i went fishing for a committment
using a baby as the bait.
my uterus let me down.
now i don't have a shot in hell of keeping
either man from running away from me as fast as they can.

you won't see my soul singing hymns up in heaven.
it'll be dancing in hell fire, almost burnt beyond recognition,
numb to the pain, and smoldering with sin.
i watch the righteous on the tv
and i know i'm too broken and forlorn
to ever get God's love like they got.

i filled my head up with happy endings.
i was giving my love away like it didn't hurt me in any way.
my hopes of someone falling in love with me
has every one laughing at me behind my back.
you won't see me out begging.
the love they got i don't want it anymore!

Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

I Made Me

i'm a lonely person, but i made myself this way.
the agony is such a beautiful harmony.
i see the error of my ways, but only through the rear view mirror.

pull back the curtains on the windows,
open the blinds and let the sun blind me.
the light brings no warmth to my heart.
i've moved out from love's reach.
i'm too scarred to love and too afraid to feel.

i'm a desperate woman, but i made myself this way.
the rejection is such a perfect melody to my ears.
i see the mistakes i've laid and paid my dues.
the lessons never last longer then my heart's return to hunger.

open the doors and let the winter wind blow all the cobwebs away.
i feel the chill up my spine.
i feel the cold in my chest.
now this is more like home sweet home.
all i've accomplished over the years is how to perfect being cold and alone.

i'm a stupid person, but i made myself that way.
the abandonment such a sweet sad song to my soul.
i see the problems in every face i've met, but i've forgotten their names.
it's all so clear to me looking back through the years.

i never got the relationship rulebook.
i never could handle following, i had to lead.
i should behave but i'm too far gone to change.
i'm lonely, desparate, and stupid but i made me that way!

Winter's Wind

i look inside of you, you have a heart so cold i cry for you;
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.

high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.

broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.

i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.

now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.

i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.

i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.

i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.

Chills Down Their Spines

i've finally achieved the impossible, i've become invisible.
it seems only my dad and daughter can see me.
everyone else looks right through me.
my existence forgotten, my image lost, i am no one!

i'd pray to God if i thought it'd help.
i'd lose more weight if i thought it'd make a difference.
i can alter my external appearance a million ways,
but i'd still be imperfect.

i want to bend until i break.
i want to surrender and be killed by friendly fire.
i'd love to be lovable, but i'm not.
i'd like to be popular, but i won't.
you realize early on some things never change.

i'm in love with wanting to be in love.
the concept is a wonderful sweeping and grand gesture.
reality is a harsher and much closer friend.
the truth depends on who you talk to.
there's not a single formula to create the person in your dreams.

i think in milliseconds that i'm a terrible person.
these negative affirmations never end.
i'll have them dance on my grave before i'm even dead.
the show could go on forever.
if only i could reach deeply into my mind to find the moment where my happiness died,
i might be able to revive it.

my misconceptions have outgrown me now.
every one can see i'm broken somehow.
i'm ignored by all.
people don't want to see me, because it's painful.
the thought of me sends chills down their spines,
because we all know there's a little bit of me in them.

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.