God Already Knows

people tell me they talk to God and he speaks to them.
i'm jealous; the voices in my head aren't my friends.
this cage i've locked myself in has no key.
why can't God speak to me?

i'm told to pray and God will take away my disease,
but what if God is in my pain?

i have a thousand words in a single thought;
they rush out of my mouth like a flash flood.
these pictures in my head are disturbed.
why does God let me see this misery?

i'm told to count my blessing every day,
but what if God wants me to be cursed?

my hands won't work the way i want.
i destroy where i had hoped to create.
my heart isn't always in the right place.
i space myself the furthest from Him.
why do i tell God to go away?

i'm told to do good and God will follow,
but what if God wants me to follow him?

Dear God,
it's me again.
did you get my last prayer?
am i on hold?
do angels bowl?
where is the off switch for my pain?
do you love them more then me?
if you are everywhere, why do i feel so alone?

the questions never end and the answers never come.
this unending circle tortures my soul,
but God already knows!

Ohio Cold

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.
if i were better behaved would you come back to stay?
it's dark by 6pm.
the single digit temperatures chase away all the warmth i have.
baby, please come home.
you're all i have to hold in this ohio cold.

these nights are wearing me down.
my heart is frozen solid and one more hurtful word from you
my heart will surely shatter;
as things do in this ohio cold.

am i not good enough for you?
you've forgotten me again, haven't you?
why do you run away from me and leave me to cry in this ohio cold?
i'm so tired and my bones ache.
i can't think clearly and you're so calm.
you aren't here suffering with me in this ohio cold.

i can't stay another day alone in this ohio cold.

Be the One

be the one to show me the way, make my day.
my love is fragile; i'm running on empty.
do you know how to fix a broken hearted soul?
please tell me you understand and give me one more chance.
all i need is one more chance to love someone.

be the one to show me the way, make my day.
my soul is bitter; i'm sick of being alone.
can you help me find my happiness inside the coldness?
please say you've been here too and love me.
all i need is for you to love me.

be what you are, my beacon of hope.
be who i see, my soul mate.
be everything to me, my lover and best friend.
be the one to show me the way.
come on baby, make my day.
i know you're the one, please make my day!

Incomplete

i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!

i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?

i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.

promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.

i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.

my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.

let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.

you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.

i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.

but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!

Cursed

i'm going to surrender myself to your love.
the sacrifice i make is to lose my heart, but i hope i will be redeemed.
if you disagree all i'll have for company is misery.
i hate to suffer through another broken heart, so let yourself fall in love with me!

i've worked hard to find peace inside of me.
i want to give you everything, but i'm scared you don't feel the same.
it's enough to drive me insane.
life isn't worth living without taking risks and i'm all in for you!

i'm getting a strong sense of deja vu.
the pattern has begun to emerge.
you aren't on the same page as me,
i'm beginning to wonder if we are reading the same book.
you can't figure out where i'm coming from.
when did it become a crime to fall in love!

my stupidity knows no bounds.
i let my heart lead the charge and i've been executed.
you shake your head and wash your hands of me.
you refuse to take any responsibility.
you call me delusional and silly.
my heart shatters and my hopes scatter into the wind.

why is it always over before it even begins?
i get myself all wound up for nothing.
he let the air out of all my balloons.
why am i a toy for so many men?
i throw myself off the steepest cliff, but isn't that what love is?

i can't roll around in the mud of my regrets.
i'm stronger then the latest man to let me down.
i pack up my emotional baggage and put it on a shelf in my closet.
there's alway another one to love around the bend
and i don't ever hesitate jumping in.

i hate that lonliness has become my best friend.
i spend hours trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
i have multiple diagnosis, but no solutions.
love destroys me but i keep crawling back for more.
he was the latest in a long line of failures.
i find men easily, but i can't keep them around!

my heart and soul are bound to tragedy.
am i paying a price for some horrid past?
i never meant to break any hearts.
my tears have disappeared over the years.
i won't forget the words you said to me,
"you're too cold to ever keep a love alive"
i think you cursed me for good because i'm always alone.

Pang of Jealousy

i shot myself in the foot.
i had a pang of jealousy when i saw her with you.
we were supposed to be having fun, leaving our emotions uninvolved.
i find myself wanting more of you, so i'm pulling out before any damage can be done.
i wish i could be the woman that doesn't fall in love, but i'm not wired that way.
you are a man i could easily fall in love with, so now i'm running away from you and you don't even care.

i've taken chances like this before.
i've broken my heart in the past with delusion of more, but now i'm taking my own advice.
i'm backing out your door before your shatter my heart across the floor.
you are passe about the whole thing.
i can't read you at all.
your lack of emotional response has been my wake up call, so now i feel justified in cutting myself free so abruptly.

the physical distance between us is the key in this change.
i can't let you get near enough to touch me.
my flesh would betray me.
my senses revel in the scent of you.
i must stay away from you.
i've imposed my own restraining order.
i have to save myself from how you make me feel.
i won't be able to survive another broken heart.

i can't complain about where i am.
i'm always the woman that ends up alone.
men want to play with me, but not stay with me.
i can't seem to find a man who will love me back.
i've gotten used to being second best, but i don't deserve that.
it's not my pride rescuing me this time.
i could love you with the heat of a million suns.
the chemistry will only take us so far and unfortunately, i want it all!

Just Keep Swimming

i'm sitting here wondering how my life got to be so plain.
i'm like a fish swimming mindlessly with the current.
i don't ponder where to go because i'm too busy swimming forward.
i'm on cruise control and there's no one behind the wheel.
i wait on a response from a computer dating service.
rejections hard, but it's harder and colder when done by instant messaging
i have to start resisting and begin to swim against the current.

i don't want to spend all the hours that remain alone.
i shouldn't have to degrade myself for a kiss.
his touch sends my senses into fits of madness.
so now i know he's danger in human form,
i can hide out here until the coast is clear.
i have to remain calm and detached,
his kind attack when they smell your waiver will.

i'm hardwired to desire what i can't obtain.
the other one never appealed to me before,
but he got a woman, so now i flirt with him more.
i still don't want him, but he's more interesting.
just because another woman has staked her claim.
all my reasons are selfish and deluding.
i can't admit to myself that i fear love.
even now i can't digest the words.
i tell myself that can't be true, it just works well in this verse.

this little sunfish wants to be loved.
sex doesn't keep me warm on cold winter nights.
the memories i want to make require committment.
i'll just keep swimming until i run out of ocean.
one day i hope the net of love will scoop me up,
but i can't hold my breath forever.
i've got to throw back the men i can't keep!

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.