Silent

i don't know where to start
and i have no idea how to end it
this is wrong no matter how you spin it
the words come and go but none capture the moment
i'm silent

my ears heard you say it
i saw the expression on your face
you were serious and full of intentions
i'm not sure if they were good or bad
which direction you are heading is a mystery
you're waiting for my response
i'm silent

normally, i can fire off a quick quip
brush off your shots easily
dodge your bullets like a pro
whenever you try to get under my skin
i deflect you again and again
but this was unexpected
its not like you to cut so deep to hurt me
your cheshire like grin leaves me Silent

did you read a self help book
or join an online relationship forum
the other day you mentioned being at your wits end
i didn't pay attention to it
i never do when you say stupid things like that
i love you isn't that enough for you
now we are staring at each other
you're holding your breath now
we are now both Silent

i think you broke us
i don't know what to do or say
i let the Silence stay
i grab my coat
i go out the door
and i walk away

God Already Knows

people tell me they talk to God and he speaks to them.
i'm jealous; the voices in my head aren't my friends.
this cage i've locked myself in has no key.
why can't God speak to me?

i'm told to pray and God will take away my disease,
but what if God is in my pain?

i have a thousand words in a single thought;
they rush out of my mouth like a flash flood.
these pictures in my head are disturbed.
why does God let me see this misery?

i'm told to count my blessing every day,
but what if God wants me to be cursed?

my hands won't work the way i want.
i destroy where i had hoped to create.
my heart isn't always in the right place.
i space myself the furthest from Him.
why do i tell God to go away?

i'm told to do good and God will follow,
but what if God wants me to follow him?

Dear God,
it's me again.
did you get my last prayer?
am i on hold?
do angels bowl?
where is the off switch for my pain?
do you love them more then me?
if you are everywhere, why do i feel so alone?

the questions never end and the answers never come.
this unending circle tortures my soul,
but God already knows!

I Say

i say these things to you when you're down or blue
i say these things to you i hope they ring true
i love you
i need you
i want you
you are perfect just the way you are

i say these things to you when you're far away or lonely
i say these things to you i hope they make you happy
i respect you
i appreciate you
i adore you
you are my everything

these things i say to you come from my heart
don't be full of fear or doubt.
i'll keep saying these things to you until you're forever mine
i love you
i need you
i want you

i respect you
i appreciate you
i adore you

i see you
i hear you
i feel your pain

please let know if you feel the same by saying these things to me
you are perfect just the way you are
you are everything to me
you are the only man i will ever need
my universe revolves around you

i know these are just words, but i will show you everyday how much i mean them!

Mouth Full

isolation is salvation.
do i even need to speak today?
if you never say anything then no one can misunderstand you.

silence is golden and loose lips sinks ships.
you hurt my feelings and don't even flinch.
i wish you never spoke to me.

your words strip my soul and rape my feeling over and over.
you call yourself brutally honest.
i think you like being mean.

i'm tired of being the brunt of your jokes.
i'm sick of getting cut on your barbs.
that tongue of yours gives me goosebumps when it licks my flesh,
but chills me to the bone when it's not.

i've been avoiding you.
i thought i had toughened up, but my skin still isn't thick enough.
your voice gets under it every time you talk.

i don't want to hear you talk to me anymore.
i guess i will have to find a way to keep your mouth full.
that way i can actually enjoy your company.

Real

as i listen to the crickets' chirp, my enquiring mind wants to know more about you.
i am debating having all 7 of your sacred names inked into my flesh.
i want have you with me all the time.
the scriptures say you already are, but there's no pain, so it doesn't feel real!

as i watch the dog sleep at my feet, my heart is yearning to be closer to you.
you know my every thought, but i don't know that much about you.
i am ready to jump in with both feet and give you all i have.
i want to dedicate all of me to you.
there are so many places and faces claiming they are able to help me,
but there's no beacon beckoning me, so it doesn't look real!

as i sit in front of the computer checking in on work, my soul battles against logic for control.
i'm not worried, i know your truth will set me free.
scientist keep searching for the God particle to explain what they can't see.
every discovery they make brings us closer to our own extinction.
faith is required for your love, not mathmatical proof.
their numbers aren't adding up, none of it makes sense, so it doesn't sound real!

as i get down on my knees to pray, my whole being becomes in sync with you.
a calm settles over me. a feeling of contentment spreads through me.
i sense a presence holding me. i am comforted.
i can't explain it. i can barely find these words to describe it.
the world melts away and time stops.
i know you are with me, but just long enough, so you become real!

Peace and Words

nothing i write will add up to anything of consequence.
if the power of words could bring peace to every heart,
who would not hesitate to jot them down?
who would not read them?
who would not repeat them like a mantra?
who would not spread these perfect words to every one else?

the viral community spreads both bad and good.
there's no balance in actions to be had between the two.
i've opened my ears and heart to listen for and receive a message.
the bounty of trust isn't enough to cover this sinner's debts.

i am learning patience.
the task is more difficult then i understood it to be,
but if patience were simple, everyone would have it.
i construct a newer and stronger infastructure around myself.
i will need to drop my extra baggage.
i am steadfast in this opportunity to better myself.

my attempts to capture emotions are unsatisfactory.
mere text can not map out the complexities of my feelings.
i wanted in faith and i doubted, yet hoped.
my tongue is not attached to my mind.
my heart speaks faster then i can comply.
data is lost in the mazes of my brain.
i am sad that you have to see me this way.

i've painted my moods upon spiral canvases for decades now.
i have reviewed my musings many times,
but my reflections have left me disappointed.
my follies are immense and i repeat my mistakes often.
my heart is blind, deaf and very dumb.
but when it wants something it communicates to me via loudspeaker
and all other logic is trumped by its desires.

my words are my crimes.
i cataloged them for my own persecution.
they read like a cheap torrid romance novel.
i want him. i need him. i love him.
he does't want me. he doesn't love me.
i bore myself to tears!
the subject of love continues to vex me.
i'm tired of chasing it.
i'm not hiding, so why can't it find me?

Yes, if i could find the words to bring peace to every heart,
i'd hold them close and say only them for the rest of my days.
peace is the absence of love.
peace is the disappearance of thought.
only peace can calm my love drunk heart.

A Bunch of Words

uninspired
depressed
worthless
feelings as words collapse me inward

doubts
fears
disappointments
all that i have makes me see what i lack

i'm caught up in a game i don't know how to win
i twisted my arm, but i can't forgive
i have two left shoes on
that's the way love dresses me

cold
gray
windy
mother nature matches my mood

slippery
icy
steep
i'm sick of falling down the slopes i'm on

i'm overwhelmed to the point of implosion
i want to runaway to find some sun
the car is out of gas
i guess i'm stuck here in my best dress

nothing
empty
closed
it all adds up to a negative

denial
broken
shattered
i can't make sense of this

i'm not looking for a ten
i thought for once i got lucky
but this is just a bunch of words
that never add up to a life that's worthy