Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

Outer Space

everyone is looking fatter to me.
is it my paranoia about my weight gain reflecting back onto me?
i obsess over the numbers on the wii.
i want to be in the normal zone so badly!
all my energy is being sucked away.
i can't help but think if i were thinner he'd be here today.

it helps to blame something physical.
when i know the problem is in my head.
it's easier to starve myself then to change.
i'm saving a lot of money this way.
i'm learning what my ribs look like again.

he said i was pretty, but i'm not prettier then her.
i know i can't win this race.
he'll marry her and live happily without me,
like i never existed!

he might as well be in outer space now,
because we aren't in each other's orbits anymore.
i miss him more then i realized i would.
the heartache fuels my depressed state.

once i give him what's due he'll disappear.
i want to owe him forever just so i can hold him.
all naughtiness comes to an end,
but i would love for him to bend me over again.

if i had courage my favorite color wouldn't be yellow
and i'd be bold enough to stake my claim.
but i can't and he won't,
so i sit here and choke on the tears i have no right to cry.
i'll embrace my lonely self and tuck myself in at night;
so i can pretend he dreams of me like i do him!

Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

Backlog of Debt

i miss being young and full of hope
life's highway has taken me to some strange places
they holy ghost closed his eyes and
broke his arms trying to hold me

i thought i could coast through life
leaving nights with a stranger's kiss unscathed
but i forgot that with every promise not kept
you build up a backlog of debt

every day i grew further from the truth
i let thousands of regrets go unchecked
my ocean of nothingness became hard
i began to linger where i wasn't wanted
i was sailing at full speed on low tide
fading away into a lonely existence

my heart is empty now
from the distance i look normal
but the closer you get the less you see
i've scattered too many pieces of my soul
to every hope to be whole

i watch the light go out of the sky
night brings the darkness i know
i am lost in my own thoughts
i am trying to right my course
but my compass spins endlessly

there's no closure to be found
i seek solance for a damaged soul
God doesn't speak to me anymore
i see my scars against the stars
my battle is a bit of dust in a giant's eye

i used to be able to pretend i don't care
but now i feel every stare
i wrap up my thoughts without consequences
the path i take from here is the one i fear
because today i dare to change

Eyes Shut

i'm lying here with my eyes tightly shut.
i don't want to open them,
just so i can watch you drive away.
i wish i'd known to say good bye.

with my eyes shut i can pretend,
pretend you will be back again.
i didn't know that would be the last time.
i wish i'd known you and i would end on angry words.
now you won't even respond to me.

i was full of hope.
i thought i'd finally found,
a connection, genuine and true,
a friend and a lover,
but my life cannot maintain,
a lover and a friend.
i can't have either one.

i'm lying here with my eyes tightly shut.
i can't bring myself to open them,
because i know they'll never see you again.
and i miss you more then i can comprehend.