Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.

Cookie Cutter Girls

i'm looking back at who you say you are.
i see a long line of cookie gutter girls dangling from your arm.
you put their paper hearts up on your wall,
like a serial killer collecting trophies you've claimed their souls.
this half-hearted attempt at trying to win me over,
is exposing the emptiness inside of you.

you talk about how beautiful i am.
the way you love how the light in my eyes dances when i laugh.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the words can't catch up to your lies.
it's not alright, the way you play with others scars.

your tearing all the ice off of my skin,
like you know how to make me remember what it's like to be alive again.
you missed my queues on how cold i really am.
you aren't going to be collecting kisses from my lips.
my soul is a ghost counting down the time,
until i get to leave all of this behind.

you talk about how perfect i am.
the way you love how my lips curve when i smile.
you make hundreds of impossible promises,
like the world can't catch you in any of your lies.
i won't let you snare me in your butterfly net.
it's not alright, the way you toy with others hearts.

come on, who are we kidding?
you don't really want me.
you want to pin my paper heart up on your wall.
but i'm so broken apart i keep the leftover pieces of me in a jar.
and you can't put me back together again.
remember, neither one of us is capable of love.
we both run around playing catch me if you can.
it's not alright, how we tease with others thoughts.

To Death

i'm bleeding to death from this hole in my heart.
i've hidden for so long behind being smart.
that when you dug into me, i didn't know how to start.
all my hurt poured out from my soul;
the flash flood of feelings swept you away
and i'm free but alone.

you shouldn't have asked me who i was,
if you didn't want to hear my answer.
you set out trying to conquer my mountain of emotional baggage,
but you ran away when you got near the top.
i'm not sure which of us is more full of fear.

this is a strange new place for me.
the talking and crying and opening myself up to you.
i even shut down when i went to therapy.
my walls have been built too high for anyone to climb over,
but you just blew them up from the bottom.
i didn't know i still had a soul.

i've been pouring holy water onto my battered belief system.
trying to heal scar tissue of old wounds.
i am held together by band aids, duct tape, staples and string.
there are little perfect patches of me tucked away from view.
i've unwrapped those tid bits of me to feed them to you,
but you just spit them back out to me because i don't taste
the way you thought i'd be.

i've become obsessed with what you mean to me.
you're my future, a family, a forturne in unrealized dreams.
i hang my whole world on your every action.
you think you know how to handle my affections,
like a hot potato, you never hold on long enough to get burned.
you tossed me off and moved on to the next conquest.
i have to laugh. my love for you set my heart free,
but now that same love is a prison for me.

no longer am i an open book for you to read at your leisure.
i am wrapped back up away from your selfish pleasures.
i face what remains of my corporeal existence in the absence of your love.
i embrace my ture home.
i suffer in the familiar comfort of silence.
my soul reclines next to my battered heart.
they could use a long break, loving you has been exhausting.
thank you for leaving me before i could love us both to death.

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.

My Bed - A Love Story

this existence is wearing thin.
my hopes left me long ago.
every sun is swallowed by a dark cloud.
i've been dancing on my own grave.
i've been wishing on a blackhole for a reason,
some glimmer of a future, to not let go.

i embrace my sickness and its cold kiss.
it's the excuse i need to stay in bed all day.
bring on the pain, i need it to remind to breathe.
my skin is paper thin, the wind could do me in.
so i'll stay buried alive under the covers,
my favorite place in the world is my bed.

don't come any closer.
i won't listen to you.
nothing is everything for me.
i fed-ex'd my fears to dr. phil.
when i'm wrapped up in blankets,
when i lay my soul to rest,
that's when i'm truly blessed.

i put on white clothes,
but stains quickly turn them impure.
i decided to live when i sleep.
i'll eat what i want in my dreams.
the only lover i crave,
lulls me to sleep.

i have everything in arms reach.
cell phone, remote, water and music
a few steps to the bathroom
and when then i can be back in bed.
lazy i love.
crazy i am.
but dammit i love my bed!!!!

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.

Secrets

i hold onto my little piece of information,
i bury it deep inside of my brain.
i can't risk it being said,
lives shatter when secrets are whispered in the wind.

you have no faith in the system.
you want to be free of the burden,
but you can't risk your freedom.
people leave you when secrets get exposed.

he tied a pretty bow around the truth.
he wanted to impress you with his sincerity.
he was minimizing the risk to his reputation,
but people talk when secrets get heard.

i opened my mouth; my lips parted.
the words flew out like a baby bird's first flight,
they plummeted towards the ground,
fluttering like crazy to fly,
but no matter how much you try
secrets tear down and destroy.
like a cat lying in wait to bounce,
your secrets have been served.

i bury the urge to speak.
i will not allow my conscience to leak.
i know the loss is too great.
my life would disappear because my secret repels.

trust is an illusion maintained when secrets keep
the harder you hid them the easier it gets
to tell the lies to keep what you have
secrets cannot escape my totalitarian control

truth is an overrated commodity
you can't appreciate what you've never had
to thrust a secret into someone's world
is like pushing a dagger deep into their chest.

forgiveness is merely a Van Gogh
discussed, analyzed, appreciated and highly valued
but rare and expensive to aquire
something you aspire to attain but die unfulfilled

i have thought about this secret for years
it haunts me day and night
it shadows every laugh and every smile
my secret makes me proceed with caution

i have a secret and i'm going to keep it
but it'll be easier once i'm dead
the secrets disappear with your breath
there will truly be heaven for me in death.