Demons

Some demons follow us all our lives
they sit and wait for us to break
they come marching in taking over
revoking any claim to sanity or sobriety
you have staked

you can't slay them you can only
merely contain them
they linger these demons of fear,
doubt, disease, and worthlessness
in the back folds of the deepest
recesses of our minds

you can climb up on a wagon
you can go to a meeting
you can read a book
you can retreat
but one day
a bad bad day
you'll think one dark
thought and the demons
will come flooding in
like a damn that's just burst

they will roll and they will
play they will dominate you
and you cave, you misbehave
you deny they are back
these demons we locked up
so many years back

but you can only hide the truth
black and white in the gray
of reality for so long
then on a dark night
your demons and your illusions
will all come tumbling down
into reality
whether you like it or not

Hollow

Sweet music soothe my soul
I am alone in the middle of downtown
A million empty people swimming around me
I can't find my home
Everywhere I go I am hollow
I can't understand why I am so shallow
I don't care about anyone or anything
I just want to bury myself under the sand of ignorance
Keep myself a thousand miles away from hurt
I want to fly past any confusion
I need to cement my doubt and build a mansion of confidence on it's foundation
Why Why Why

I just hurt so deep inside
My bones ache
My heart is breaking under the pressure
All this stress from not knowing
where do i belong
is my destiny to always be unfullfilled
if i could turn back time and remember it all
i am so damn lazy i'd continue to fall
why why why

there's never an answer
and I am so sick of asking the questions
i've traveled this path too long
i want to lay down and never get up again
when i dream i dream about nothing
when i wake up i live this nothing
i have responsibilty crushing my back
the world pounding with a sledge hammer in my head
a knife of regret twisting in my side
all i've ever done is get by
it makes me sad to see the potential i let pass me by
i've been living in cruise control
why why why

could i not step up and go that extra mile
and i know me
and i now know
there's a problem i can't resolve
i'm broken
that's why

Love Me

some sunny day there won't be anymore tears or pain
we'll look up into the clear blue sky
and we'll see peace and prosperity raining down upon us all
what a sweet notion
what a beautiful idea
i see you and i swear one day we'll be perfect

this fight is stupid
we never say what we mean
i complain and you deflect
how are we going to stay committed
if we can't communicate
i am afraid we are falling apart
please, tell me i'm wrong

some sunny day there won't be anymore tears or pain
we'll look up into the clear blue sky
and we'll see peace and prosperity raining down upon us all
what a sweet notion
what a beautiful idea
i see you and i swear one day we'll be perfect

i'd give anything to be who you want
but i am not
i try and i fail
your constant critiscm is driving me mad
i want to be your honey
the one you never want to leave
but i am starting to think that just isn't me

some sunny day there won't be anymore tears or pain
we'll look up into the clear blue sky
and we'll see peace and prosperity raining down upon us all
what a sweet notion
what a beautiful idea
i see you and i swear one day we'll be perfect

what are we doing
what are we thinking
i don't understand where we are going
but as long as we get there together
i'll be ok, i'll be ok
i want to hold you until you forget
that i am not who you thought i'd be
and someday you'll love me for me
love me,love me,love me and we'll be perfect

Never Let Go

She makes herself pretty
Telling herself he's worthy
But when she closes her eyes
he's not the one she sees
but those are only her dreams
and he's not within her reach

tumble and fall back to earth
where you're fat and undesirable
the only man that's yours
has no other choice
which he makes clear when he
doesn't look at you anymore
he's so cold and you feel more alone

where did it go, the passion has gone
i am fading fast so jaded from my past
Tell me I'm crazy
Tell me I'm wrong
I know I'm lazy
but tell me something I don't know
like you love me & could never let me go
never let me go, oh,God don't let me go

She wishes she could change her mind
rewind and go back in time
she'd take better care
not to let herself go
and maybe she'd be somewhere else by now
but wishes go ungranted
her life going by unfulfilled

cry and scream your way to reality
where he's a jerk and all yours
the only man that stuck around
to catch this train wreck your doctor calls you
lectures you about what you should do
but you do what you do best
you put him to the test
and you fail first or so he says

where did it go, the passion has gone
i am fading fast so jaded from my past
tell me i'm crazy, crazy
tell me i'm wrong, all wrong
i know i'm lazy
but tell me something i don't know
like you love me & could never let me go
never let me go, oh, God don't let me go

There's not much left of me
if you go I'd be through...

I Hate Surprises

I hate surprises. They make me miserable every time.
All these people lying to me and saying it’s for my own good.
Secrets need to be kept if there’s no harm.
I disagree with them. And I want to know before I’m ambushed
What the hell is going on?
I’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
If I don’t know I’ll tell you.
No sense making up bull shit that I won’t remember later.
Why bother to lie when I get caught every time?

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.

I hate surprises. It runs in my family.
I can’t keep a secret to save my life.
If I buy you a present I can’t wait to give it to you.
I’m addicted to the look of joy you give when you open it.
I know it’s not normal. I don’t care.
It’s who I am and what I do.
Forget the stories and the compromises.
Please make me this one promise no surprises.

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.

I hate surprises. Don’t jump out at me.
I startle easily. Don’t yell at me.
My hearing is fine. Go bother someone else next time.
I know it’s supposed to be fun.
I know it’s done with good intentions.
But every time I greet surprises with suspicions
I walk around thinking whose hiding what
And who should be telling me something their not

I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.

Untitled

i'm floating inside myself
an Effervescence feeling spreading
through my nervous system
my vision blurs
my feet feel light as air
my head is spinning
almost like an angel has
lifted me up with its hands

flashes of memories locked away
inside a corroding brain
desperately fight to remain
before they're erased by
some mundane fact
or abandoned into nothing
like a penny on the sidewalk
no one bothers to pick up
because it's worth so little

i've detached from my skin
it's milky white porcelain cold
molds and folds over an ugly
sack of water
i am no more then flesh
and i am no less a sentient being
i feel like a doll that's had
her head ripped off and
been thrown in the trash

life is joke and death is the punch line
all i hope for is some laughter
and some love but i find today
i have no sense of humor
so i'll have to walk around
the vacant hallways of knowledge
until i see that i'm nothing at all

all i imagined life to be
those one day when i grow up dreams
have fallen far from the mark
no one can blame my parents
or my childhood or my siblings
they're all stronger then me
i'm the black sheep
the kink in the family chain

jubilantly i curse myself
inside and out i count my flaws
perplexed by my diversity
and complete lack of ethics
i fit only when i don't belong
fate's meaning crystal clear
i know where i end and where
i began the circle completes
at our first forced screams
i can't win this ancient war
i surrender then all goes dark

Miss Her

dream and delusions are one in the same
i've tried to reach the stars
instead i grabbed a handful of pain
every day i remember her
and every day i miss her
one life no longer here and i've been lost ever since
she was my guide, my conscience
when i lost her i lost me
somehow and i don't know how
i didn't realize how critical she was
they give birth to you
they hold you and mold you
and you work so hard to separate from them
but you always get pulled back in
and when she died i was racked with pain
even today when her time seems like another life
i cry all over again wondering so much wondering

if i could just ask her the simple questions
should i buy the green blouse or the pink one
should i make spaghetti or meatloaf tonight
yeah, it's hard to believe my baby is old enough to drive
but i'm talking in my head to the hole in my heart
where she is and isn't anymore
i don't know up from down
i get so confused
i'm not her but everyone says i am just like her
and the memories are chasing me
i can't escape her while i fight to keep her alive
it's a cirlce of grief i can't break
a bond that followed her ashes into the wind
while dragging me in the ocean below them
i miss her
it's 3 words and it hurts me worse then any pain i've tasted
i miss her
i love her
and i wish she were here

Paint me Gray

9/14/2009

Exhaustion paints me gray in a world of Technicolor drones I sink to the bottom of the barrel and drown in my mediocrity. My freckles are washed out on my face. My flesh is cold and dead. The sun goes down taking with it my soul. I’ve lost myself in the shuffle of time.

9/15/09

I’m scared.

9/16/09

Are you beautiful? Are you beautiful like me? My exterior is quite plain, but my interior outshines the sun. I need to hold on, hold on, until you can see past what’s outside of me and embrace the warmth and love I have inside of me.

Exhaustion paints me gray in a world dazzled by what a plastic surgeon’s knife can sculpt from flesh and bone. I’m all natural, a little worn and torn with time, but my heart has all you need to make you feel fine.

9/21/09

Life is shifting and I’m changing into someone I need to be, but what about you, are you still you if I’m no longer me. I dance around truths and play tag with denials. I was hoping to escape this painful reality inside a cocoon of frivolity, but you insist on grounding me.

You always paint me your way and your painting and I never look the same.

Off with My Head

hostility every where i go hostility
apathy every day i feel apathy
screw the nuts in my head a little deeper
let the throbbing in my head pound harder
lay out my faults before me
agree i am crazy everyone can agree
misery i spread misery

take my heart i don't use it anymore
take my smarts i don't need them anymore
take my soul i don't feed it anymore
take my conscience i don't listen to it anymore
take my body i only abuse it anymore

hostility every where that i am there's hostility
apathy every one i see suffers apathy
tighten the vice around my head
let the sounds of my skull fracturing fill the air
tell all you know you don't know me
agree say you you will agree
misery all around me nothing but misery

take my eyes they are blinded by fear
take my ears they are deaf from doubts
take my tongue it has been bitten off from anxiety
take my hands they do nothing
take my feet they go no where

hostility inside of me nothing but hostility
apathy inside of me i am surrounded by apathy
i've laid my head on the train tracks
i'm waiting for the train to come
my head must go it's what's broken
agree i know you agree
misery i am in painful misery

Warm Inside

there are days, though few and far between, where i feel a warmth inside of me. i wish i knew how to make it stay, for it always leaves too soon. and the times in between are getting longer, which makes me yearn for the happiness even more. today i fought a battle with several cable wires, a t.v., a vcr/dvd player and my teenager yelling that i'm not doing it right. today i woke up which means for the first time in days i'd finally slept. today wasn't bad. i didn't win the lottery. i didn't find the perfect mate. but i found some inner peace. just a tiny corner in this troubled mind of mine. it was nice and i want so many more of these days and to never let them go, but i know i have no control anymore. all i can do is pray that tomorrow it won't rain on this okay parade of mine.

November First

i started out today in a good mood
things were up a smile easily crossed my face
i cleaned the house without hesitation
picked gab up from school
she had a good day too
got home dad was waiting he was in a good mood
we went to olive garden
the food was good, life was good

got home, my period started
the cramping, the pain
my neice is pregnant at 18
she's got epilepsy
the babies intestines are on the outside
caused by her medicine
my best friend is down
i'm being dragged down too
now i feel so heavy i can barely move

i take my medicine then settle down
i watch my name is earl
i get a laugh or two
i flip between it and smallville
like i always do
gab's in her room waiting for wrestling
i move on to csi, it's ok
i ate half of gab's dessert
and i don't even like tirimisu
i scarf down 2 choc. chip granola bars too

i head upstairs.
i brush my teeth and notice my
disheveled appearance
and the black circles under my eyes
i lay down to sleep but i just stare
at my windows and look at the clock
periodically, no sleep for me
i can't clear my head and the meds
have no impact upon me
i sign on to the computer but everyone
else is gone on to the real world

i go downstairs i pet dusty
and find him his favorite treat
i grab my headphones they smell
good. i think i febrezed everything
in the house today
i grab a diet doctor pepper
and head back upstairs to my computer
to type this nonsense down
anything to stop feeling so depressed
but i confess i still am depressed

Over Again

the pain is incessant
i want freedom
open me up
cut out my sorrow
pour it down the drain

fill me with love
save me again
i've been here before
why do i fall
over and over again

the aches keep coming
i can't escape them
shut me down
turn off my saddness
save your electricity

find me love
it'll save me again
i want to fall
over and over again

the raw emotions
break me in two
i can't breathe
throw me away

where is my love
he didn't save me
again it's over
and i fall down
over and over again.

Twisted Cat

Nobody loves me when i cry
let me wipe my tears dry
i'll raise my defenses
bow my head and close my senses
here i am lost in this minute
time ceases to exist

the cat twisted up on the bed
the sun's last rays fading
my hand's are aching
but i still find the passion
in the pain

there's no good day ahead
i keep saying i'll be okay
but i know i don't mean it
and people are too polite
to push you on unpleasant topics
so we all move forward

the sheets are cold
my heart is hardened
and my body tormented
there's no light so how
do i find my way

the cat twisted up on the bed
the sun's last rays fading
my hand's are aching
but i still find the passion
in the pain

Between the Lines

i close my eyes, my hands on the keyboard, i type into the computer my feelings like a singer sings like lover's tender touch, i write to soothe, to release myself from the category 5 hurricane of emotions inside of me.

listen, listen, listen to me
don't u hear it, in between the lines
so softly, so urgent, so blind
i think and think into a circle that traps me
i never go forward
just sitting where u left me
nothing changes

i'm swaying to the melody of a song i could never write, like a teacher who knows but can't do it themselves, like an apple slowly rotting away on the shelves, i'm so sorry this isn't any better

listen, listen, listen to me
don't u hear it between these lines
so softly, so urgently, so deaf
i feel and feel all i ever do is feel
just a plane trying to take off from the wrong runway
nothing changes

sweet, slow, taste, touch, smell of lavendarin the air
my heart strains to beat pain so much pain in me
unreleased agony builds up like a body builders muscles, like pollution in the air, like tension between jews and muslims
i mean it but i don't so please don't blow me up

listen, listen, listen to me
don't u hear it between these lines
so softly, so urgently, so mute
i hurt and hurt my body is overwhelmed with pain
nothing changes
no nothing changes

I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved. i listen to your passionate pleas. and i don't feel a damn thing. i shove you down and kick you for no reason. your tears make me angry and your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart. if you had loved me you would have stayed. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a murder mystery i've seen 1,000 times before. your charms can't heal my broken heart. there's no do over's. you took until i had nothing to give, i'm bankrupt so leave. you are nothing to me. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts carefully. i have only half of me to live from now. your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness. i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all the misery you brought to my door. i don't need anyone. i don't need you.

i need time to heal. i need quiet to cry. i need to eat something. i need a quick fix. i need fire. i need love. i need feelings. i need a smile. you god damn, fucking, son of a bitch. i need to forget. give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get. god help me, i won't quit, until i don't need anyone. and i don't need you. until i don't need you. until i don't need you. i won't quit until i don't need you.

DNA's Bitch

i'm just overflowing with prose this early am
better then staring at the ceiling i guess
i want to ask questions
i'm feeling frustrated at the world
why am i not getting better
why isn't this medicine doing anything
why did i get worse
why why why am i the way i am
i don't want to be me
i'll be 35 and nowhere

i'm so pissed off at me
let's list all the things i hate about me
my hair, my face, my fat, my laziness
my apathy, my lack of a social life,
my inability to build a social life.
my jaded and cynical approach to men.
my faded sense of humor.
my moles and freckles.
my eyebrows.
my elbows.
my stretch marks.
i can't think a linear thought.
why did i fall apart
why did one man undo me
why do i wallow in my misery
why why why am i the way i am
i don't want to be me
i don't want to be nowhere
and this is nowhere
welcome to my nowhere

my left brain knocked on my right brain
and no one answered
i have no skills, no talent, no hobbies
i'm boring and odd
downright over the top weird
i say the wrong thig at the right time
i've created so many akward silences
i should be in the book of world records
i'm beginning to turn to food again
to soothe these feelings of unworthiness

yeah, i know
quit moaning
quit groaning
quit bitching
quit stop cease desist pause rewind
and question everything
a second opinion is a good thing
i'll be crazy no matter where i go
or who i talk to
i've been crazy since i was a kid
i'd do strange things for no reason
smash windows, destroy toys, shove
other kids down to hear them cry
i was one mean little bitch
and now i'm an old vindictive bitch
i guess you really don't change with age
why why why am i the way i am
ah, fuck it
i don't care anymore
so why the fuck should you

stop reading my damn blogs
they're only going to get more
broken down and demented and twisted
i'm degrading one bloody brain cell at a time
that's why i am the way i am
dna babes it's a bitch

Eat without Me

bow your heads and say grace
give your thanks for all the
blessings in front of your face
dig into the food like the
children dig deep into a sandbox
but eat without me

i've come to far to go back now
i'm feeling down that's when
temptation calls out to me
and food is the biggest vice
i have so i got to stay away
so go ahead and split the wish bone
i wish to be healthy
so go ahead and eat without me

smile and laugh with the ones
you love all around you
tell the stories we all know
but every one can't wait to hear
soak up the warmth of the
family who love you
i would love to be there
but eat without me

it's been so hard this past year
i've wallked away from some
bad habits and i still feel
they're too close to me
i am not strong enough to pass
up a sweet piece of pie
and the truth of my mental state
tells me to stay home
so go ahead and eat without me

it's okay to be alone on
thanksgiving day
and watching movies in solitude
it's an odd thing to do
when there are loved ones
that i could be with
but there'd be all the food
that i've abused too
i have to be my own boss
but it's okay to eat without me
if you love me, it's okay
it's okay, go ahead and eat without me

A Lonely Person

i'm a lonely person but i made myself that way. the agony is a beautiful harmony to me. i see the error of my ways but only from the rear view mirror. pull back the curtains on my windows, open the blinds let the sun blind me. but it's light brings me no warmth to my heart. i've moved out from love's reach. too scared to love and too afraid to feel.

i'm a desparate woman but i made myself that way. the rejection a beautiful melody to my ears. i see the mistakes i've laid and paid my dues, but the lessons never last longer then my heart's returned hunger. open the doors. let the winter wind blow all the cobwebs away. feel the chill up my spine, feel the cold in my chest. now this is more like home sweet home, cold and alone.

i'm a stupid person but i made myself that way. the abandonment is a beautiful sad song to my soul. i see the problems with every face even though i've forgotten most of their names, it's all so clear looking back throughout the years.

i never got the hang of relationships. the give. the take. the yin. the yang. i never could follow i had to be the leader. i should behave, but i'm too far gone to change. i'm lonely, desparate, and stupid. yeah, back then, and with him, and there too, and now. i never changed and i never will. i see my ONE big mess everday in the mirror, she's why i'll never be anything but lonely, desparate, and stupid.

Reverse

i'm de-evolving one lost memory at a time
i'm driving in reverse at full speed
taking out the corners and running over
the curbs i can't see cause it's so dark
the pills i took have put a hood over
my eyes and the surrealism of this moment
is lost to me but yet i can't quit

help is a funny word
u have to ask to get it
but i hate to ask for it
so i never get it when i need
it the most
help me when i can't help myself

i'm forgetting who i was
and i've misplaced who i am
i want to walk away and go
home to that big blue sky
but i keep seeing signs
that tell me it's not quite
my time. so i pop another tab
of my favorite elixir and escape
into my suppressed memories

help is a funny word
u have to ask to get it
but i hate to ask for it
so i never get it when i need
it the most
help me when i can't help myself

i know i've fucked it all up
i can't clean up this big a mess
all the pills i swallowed
i thought would be enough
but i woke up and there was
life waiting to be lived
but i couldn't even move
so sucked dry i felt like i had
died, i so wanted to die

help such a strange and funny word
i'm too proud to ask
i'm too sick to beg
i'm too tired to find it
help me, help me, help me.
before i help myself right into my grave.

Three Ways Wrong

Three Ways Wrong

7/29/2009 12:53pm
There's always a beginning, a middle and an end to every life, to every story, and to every love.
I think the beginning is always the best part. The middle is hard and the end is sad. I've tried to live.
I've tried to die. I've not found happiness in either one. So now I'll just try to make peace with my demons
and hope that this truce brings me closer to normal.

8/4/2009 2:35pm
I press buttons and push until something breaks, that's what I do and I can never stop myself.
I don't do it to be mean. I don't try and hurt someone's feelings. I am inappropriate by nature.
I never know when to keep my mouth shut. The few times I do manage to bite my tongue, my head
is chiming away with all the things I wanted to say.

8/5/2009 12:34pm
I watch the rain coming down outside and i want to cry. I feel sadness in my heart. I can't get this
melancholy out of me. I wonder if life is done with me. I want to hide from fear. The days are
winding down for me. And I can't even summon one tear. I feel like a fool.

8/10/2009 9:00am
My heart is almost ready to let you go. I know the time has come to see you fly, but still I'm sad.
I feel as if it was just yesterday when I held you in my arms as a pink little bundle of joy.
Now you are a woman and ready to leave the nest to find your own path. I don't know what I will
do with myself with you gone. I've lived for you for so long, now I too have to figure out a new
path to follow. The future is always coming, it never gives you time to adjust. I'll pray for the
both of us to be safe, be happy and be well.

8/11/2009 12:19pm
My wounds are showing. I'm hemorrhaging panic, money, and despair. The countdown to my world turning upside
down has begun, just 3 more days with you. I resist the urge to tell you that you cannot go. My need to
have you with me is not important anymore. I've defined myself within your box and now I must learn to
be myself all over again. This is not your fault. I feel like pacing and pulling out my hair. My anxiousness
is alarming to the extent that I know I have to hide it from you. Run, baby, run! Fly, baby, fly!

8/12/2009 9:42am
The minutes drag, the seconds brag that they are stealing my life away. Time is killing me. And I don't
know how to live anymore. I can't run to anyone. I have nothing to stand up for. I hurt and ache in
parts of me I never knew existed before today. This existence has my soul barricaded in a stone wall
of depression. I've erased myself from other's memories. Now I have no more memories to make.

8/12/2009 1:44pm
I'm stationary, but my thoughts are a raging rapid stream of worries. I'm contemplating my place in this
universe. The world is exploding with people and I wonder why should I bother even taking up space. The lazy
in me just wants to cruise under the radar. The small part of me that wants to make a difference gets diverted
at the first sign of resistance. I am ashamed. I am guilty of inaction. And I don't know if I even want to
change.

8/12/2009 4:40pm
It always comes at the end of the day; i'm exhausted, yet relieved to be going home. My ass hurts from the sitting.
My mind is either overstimulated or understimulated and I hope there is no last minute crisis that will make
me have to stay late. The tread of the traffic and the dullness of the drive loom oppressively on my being.
I've been unemployed and I much prefer to be on paid vacation. My perfect situation is to be rich for a living,
that's why I keep buying the lottery tickets. So I can list professional couch potato as what I do for a living
on my tax returns.

8/18/2009 2:11pm
The silence is taunting me, saying, you are alone, nobody loves you, you suck, you are a loser. I hear this from
the nothingness and the sadness consumes me. I don't have a shoulder to cry on, there's no one here to try and
cheer me up. My world's been shattered but she's all that matters, her happiness, and her success are more
important then mine. I passed my chance to live my life on to her. But I cannot live through her, that's pathetic,
and I'm not wanting to be labeled one of those people that can't be on their own. So I need to pull myself
together and get a life to live.

8/19/2009 1:52pm
I'm in so much trouble. I lost the cat. If I can't find him tonight then I'll have to tell her he died, I'm innocent.
It was an accident. It's another piece of life I can't get back. I can't stop yawning. I can't keep money in
my pockets. My life is all about leaving, everything and everyone leaves me, and only I remain. I'm a statue of
pity and remorse. I think I'll sit in the dark tonight and cry and hope I feel better when my tears have run out.

8/24/2009 12:46pm
My Life is stuck in a circle of discontent. I can change my fate or at least my attitude, but I don't. I have
forgotten what it is like to be happy. There's this blanket of darkness smothering me and I can't break free.
I want to start walking and not stop until all my pain is gone. But in reality, I wouldn't get a mile without
collapsing from the excertion. Have I dug the hole to deep to ever climb back out?

8/31/2009 8:51am
I'm settling down into the quiet. I try to fill the void with meaningless tasks. I take a walk to pass the time.
I hear the happiness around me and I'm jealous. I don't go out. It hurts to see others smile. Nothing appeals
to me. I'm going through the motions hoping to ignite some spark of life within myself. I'm the picture of obesity.
I'm the definition of depression. I'm the book on lonliness. I'm disappointment incarnate. I'm everything but
what I want to be. And that's how it's always been for me.

One Basket

i'd run a marathon for you. i'd give up chocolate for you. for you i'd walk through fire. tell me what you want from me? i'm not psychic. i am tied up in mental knots. anything and everything is on the line. just open your heart and tell me you're mine.

i've swallowed my pride. i took my love and threw it to you on a line. please give me a respite from my lonely nights. no more holding back, stand up, say that you love me. say that you love me. say that you love me.

i'd lose 50 pounds for you. i'd give up lying for you. for you i'd walk naked through town. tell me what i need to do? i can't get an answer from you. play the cards straight up. anything and everything is on the line. just open your heart and tell me you're mine.

my heart is racing. i've taken all my eggs and put them in your basket. please hold me and shut down this worry. stop and see me. say you love me. say you love me. just say it once that you love me.

I never finish anything

auction off my soul to the highest ebay bidder. there's no where to go but down. i hit the bottom but kept digging into the stone that's called my heart. i forget all the time what once was mine. like you. like her. like happiness. i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft and i want them just to want something. my own desires only a mirror of what i see on t.v. i don't know what i want. i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile. it used to light up the world and show me the way. now i've metamorphasized into despair wrapped in layers of various moods of misdirection. i'm scared. i'll let go. i'm too destructive to be in the public population. if a were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition. i try to pass as a humane human being. the clock tells me time is running out. the calendar marks off the days until my final performance. i always stay too long. i crash into places uninvited. i already tried to change and be someone you'd all love, but i'm not. i'll just stop...

The Fear

the fear builds up in me until my screams reach a crescendo that drowns out my thoughts. i'm chasing shadows at noon outside on a a sunny day. i wonder if i'll ever hack into the central processor of my brain. i'd reprogram a better me on that day.

i've learned the lessons of fear well. someone give me an A. i always look both ways before i cross the street. i've bubble wrapped my heart and stowed it away. so i won't break, i'm afraid to break.

there's typical, functional, and normal behaviors. there's happy, healthy, and hopeful people. i'm more of an X where there should be an O. i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. i've dropped the ball, misunderstood the instructions, and i've accumulated a mass grave of rejections.

i've fallen into this habit of fear. i let the wanton destruction of loniliness tear me down hourly. i could take some time to undo the harm i've caused my weary soul. but what i fear the most is not being afraid at all.

the fear is dusted and polished until it shines. i place it back where it belongs between me and the world. one step forward is one too many steps for me to take. i can't be brilliant and shine because then someone might see me.

the fear protects me.

The Diner

driven by unseen hands to sacrifice myself to others demands
the heart and soul dance with strings attached
to some song that eminates from an ancient jukebox
i stare into the distance wondering how the hell did i get here

saddness surrounds me like a fog
my tears drip into my glass of water
hold the lemon, my life has been bitter enough
i run and i hide all to avoid love
love wraps it's tenticles around you
it absorbs you until you cannot see
the truth
love robs you of all logical thought
i'm never falling in love again

chased by my own demons in my head
they never let me forget my mistakes
yet, i keep repeating them.
i thought i'd done right by you.
but i was a fool caught up in a dream
of who i wanted you to be.
i don't blame you for leaving me
i would've done the same

regret reeks off of me rolling off
to taint the air around me gray
my 1/2 smirk doesn't cover the
trouble in my gray eyes.
there's no disguise to cover this
broken heart of mine.
i don't know if i have the energy to move on
but the waitress already is giving me dirty
looks appearently water isn't as free as it
used to be. i leave a $5 tip and walk out
into the cold.

i'm driving west because you went east
and i know chasing you is a lost cause
the sun is rising but my hopes are falling
nothing is cliche when it's your own
heartbreak that sings you to sleep

Just Finish Me Off

tonight my muse is a bottle of apple wine
3 sleeping pills, 3 muscle relaxers, and 2 mood stabilizers
cloud i don't give a fuck coming up in 30 minutes
sweet, sweet, sweet nothing swallow me whole

i have a heart. i have a soul. i have my own personal hell.
you see me but you don't care enough to ask me how am i doing
what's it matter, i'd just say ok. people don't care about
anyone but themselves. we are a selfish, pig, disgusting
American's are so superior bullshit of a country
image, money, excess, rehabs, breaking the back of the
working class just busting our chops so u can get ahead

step on me, step on me harder, come on dammit, step on me
crush me, break some god damn ribs, but your weight into
it man. tax me more, tax me more, tax me until i collapse

tonight i see through a haze of propaganda
we've been told this is the land of the free
and the home of the brave, maybe we started
out that way, but we are ALL slaves to money
no color, no race, no sex can escape this enslavement
you can't live without it & you can't get enough of it
it's the new addiction american's buy until they die

i have feelings. i fall in love. i have my heart broken.
why can't we see we are all the same inside
the outside is fucking irrelevant
we all fall into pits of sorrow
half of this fucking country is on anti-depressants
the other half is getting a divorce
and what's left self medicate with addictions
we are so far to the left from what this country
was intended to be

kill me, twist me, break me in 2, don't stop if i scream
don't cry because i do, u don't have empathy in your
emotional range. just get it over with so i can die
and leave all u stupid fucks behind

tonight, you sing to me such deep thoughts
i get carried away by ur aesthetically pleasant facade
i forget ur tortured too aren't we all so fucking depressed
i'll give you some of my pills if you give me some of yours
my pharmasits is my best friend, his name is bax, his brother
is my therapist, my shrinks been on Larry king
i Know i'm in good hands if he's been on TV he must be
worth $120 buck for 15 minutes. every street whore
wishes she could score that kind of dough

i hurt. i have secrets. i know pain.
don't dismiss me as a drunk woman ranting about her pathetic life
i'm not free and neither our you
tell yourself whatever you need to
whatever gets you through every damn endless day
but i know it's tired and your tired and i'm tired
why can't we just say i don't give a fuck the
next time we are asked a question
why lie, why hide our dysfunction.

destroy me. blow me up. hit me in the chest.
take away all i love and i'll throw myself in the grave
i talk in circles of nonsense
i don't want to be sincere
sincerety brings a false sense of safety
and we aren't safe and that's what the
goverenment what's us to think
so destory me. rip me apart. tear into my flesh.
let me be released into a black hole of inconsequence.