It Rained

the medicine kills my creativity, it eats away my soul. the pain comes and goes as it pleases; it leaves me breathless and alone. there are days i feel 100 years old. there are times i think of letting go. this damn darkness has a hold on me. i can't see any light. tears of my misery wash over me; there's no peace for me tonight.

i want to go back in time and warn the young woman i was before my life became a series of doctor's appointments and a long list of prescriptions. tell her to be unafraid and bold. to take the happiness she finds and hang on. live in those moments.

i have times when the pain subsides and my thoughts get clearer to me, but the pain like the rain comes back. i'm supposed to give the meds, the doctors, the treatments some time to work, but i cannot work while i wait for them to kick in. i catch myself daydreaming about the life i wanted and my dissatisfaction for the life i've created.

my emptiness so vast i lose myself for hours at a time. looking at the clock i realize the sun has set and my daughter is talking to herself again. i guess that's because i'm not much of a conversationalist these days. i get so wrapped up in myself that i forget about everything else and she draws me out with her smile and her laughter. i feel guilty having to have her see me suffer. i didn't want to repeat what i had to see when my mother got sick, but it's here.

i'm in a cage i've built with my own fears and doubts. now i'm caught up in what i ought to be and where i should have been instead of what i have and where i am. my disappointment in myself is only trumped by the disappointment i see in other's eyes while i let them down. i know it's been said, it's not being happy with what you want but wanting what you have that makes a difference in your life. but who would want to be happy with what i have?