Almost Sunshine

one day far away from here,
a daughter was born.
she had golden bouncy curls
and an early smile that outshown the sun.
her mother wanted to name her Sunshine,
but it wasn't to be.

Almost sunshine for her.
i feel so ordinary.
i wish i could've been sunshine for you.

one day last week,
the weary soul of that girl
cried all night long.
as she slowly slips into another depression,
she ponders what life would've been like
had she been a sunshine.

almost sunshine on a tuesday afternoon.
i feel so plain.
i wish i could've been sunshine for me.

there's no hope under an eclipsed sun.
i feel defeated even in my dreams.
i'm just spinning in darkness.
i'm being smothered by fear,
wishing i was a sunshine for real.

Hold on to Me

hold on to me i never leave.
under every cell i exist.
with every breath i am yours.
you are precious to me.
without your belief i cease.

hold on to me so i can lift you up.
your fears will have no home.
you'll feel my warmth
and you'll know i'm there.
no darkness can destroy my light.

hold on to me to save your soul.
cling to my words for freedom.
hear my spirit's call
your faith will grow strong.
all your wrongs will fade.

hold on to me my blessed child.
no promises will be broken.
i love you even when you don't love yourself.
know the power of my redemption.
cleanse yourself of your sins.

hold on to me through the doubts.
the moments of confusion will pass.
focus on my healing son.
he'll bring you to me on the wing's of a prayer.
never lose faith in me, for i never lose my faith in you.

Eeyore and I

Staring out the window wondering how i'm gonna let you go.
I watch the wind blowing the empty trees.
I notice the similarities.
Life lives in forward motion only,
but I breathe on empty.

The winter's cold curls up in my soul.
The blank slate of whiteness turns my heart old.
I sit under blankets with the heat cranked on high,
but warmth escapes me.

I'm lost and confused.
Tomorrows are blurry.
You difused all my worries.
Now I'm wrapped up tightly inside my fears.
My courage fled when you disappeared.

I want to defy my nature,
but Eeyore and I revel in melancholy together.
You never lied to me.
My heart fed the delusions.
I asked you to let me have them,
but time runs out on everything.

Smiling, fleeting at silly puppies.
I'm trying to recover a little bit of me.
I sense the journey will be long,
but you made your executive decision.
You chose to live your life without me,
and I have to find a way to move on.

Done

i was searching for someone to share the burden,
so i wouldn't have to face the world alone.
i thought you could be the one,
but that just came undone!

rant, rave, be the lunatic you crave!
faint, fret, wreck all your bets!
cave, confess, leave me a mess!

it was easy for me to love you,
but it was hard for you to let me.
go ahead and do it on your own.
the road you've chosen is 10x's harder then it needs to be.

you told me it's time to settle down.
you weren't untethered long enough to know.
i put my money down, hoping time would set you free.
but i'll never be your one,
in your eyes i'm done!

cuss, fuss, do what you must!
lie, die, break down and cry!
jump, punch, you didn't leave me much!

it was easy to fuck you,
but it was hard to stop there.
go ahead and make your own way.
the path your on will kick you when you're down.

i cant' wait for you to come around.
i won't force you to be my one.
this sadness i feel is all from you.
so i'm through, done, it's over!
i'm alone again and that's just how it's done!

15 years

my heart is heavy.
missing you drags me down.
my sadness swallows me whole.
like a tsunami, a crushing wave of pain floods me.
after 15 years, i thought i'd be out of tears.
but i cry on, i cry on.

the day is filled with business.
i try to block out the past.
the night looms before me like a dark demon,
anxious to consume me.
i had hoped time would ease the ache,
but my heart keeps breaking for you over & over again.

you've missed so much.
i wonder if i've punished myself enough.
we all die on our own.
we all go out alone,
but if i could go back,
i'd change that last memory.

i wish i was there holding your hand.
it would comfort me if i knew you understood,
how badly i wanted to be there with you.
i never got to say goodbye
and it makes me cry, so i cry, i can't stop crying.

if love is eternal, then you'll never be gone.
i want to make you proud.
but i never did while you were alive.
and i doubt i've improved since you've been dead.
but God as my witness, i keep trying.

i never stop trying to live up to your standards.
even though your voice in my head is fading,
certain moments bring you back to me again.
and i desperately want to hold on to you.

hold on to the sound of your laughter.
hold on to your radiant smile.
even if it makes me cry.
so i'll sit here on this night,
when you went into the light
and cry, i'll keep on crying for you, Mom!

What the Hell?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was a sunny day
but you let the rain come pouring out of your mouth.
i didn't need a disertation on all the flaws our love's got.
i didn't ask for an invitation to a break-up party.

your bringing me down.
your drowning me out.
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now it's you gotta have your space
get out of my place
back away from my face
what the hell is this all about?

hey, hey, hey, all i wanted was to play
but you stomped around breaking all the toys.
i didn't want a presentation of how bad i am for you.
i didn't request your meditations on life with me gone.

your giving me a frown
treating me like a clown
what the hell is this all about?
one day your hugs and kisses
saying love ya's and miss ya's
now your saying goodbye
making me cry
and telling whale sized lies
what the hell is this all about???

The Example

i dreamed you died.
i didn't cry.
i stood tall and proud.
you were the past.
i was free from letting you down at last.
i buried the negative emotions you gave me.
i woke up feeling unburdened.

praise God and let me be.
no one believes how evil you can be.
but one day the truth will win out.
time will let me escape you.
i will no longer have to face you.
praise Jesus and let go of me.

i can see the future clearly.
your memory was dragging me down.
i cut you out of me.
i use you as an example of who not to be.
i won't manipulate.
i won't guilt trip.
i won't use my loved ones as pawns.
i won't pit anyone against someone they love.
your twisted games always made me sick.
nothing you tried to teach me will ever stick.

praise God and go away.
i know there's no hope for you.
and i know you'll never change.
time will remove the damage you did.
i won't say your name.
praise Jesus and i'll forget you exist.

StereoTypes

i'm getting so tired of this merry go round i'm on.
i can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time.
i crave what is forbidden.
you're best to be far away from me right now.
i play the scene in my brain.
the truth is revealed and you leave me.
i've seen it a 1,000 times before,
but it's the memory that replays when i think of you.

am i the one you want to get rid of?
i've tried to purge your from me.
i've cleansed myself 100's of times,
but the toxicity of your memories remains.
you are the one i want to get rid of,
but i don't know how to.

i'm getting worn out from chasing your ghosts.
the shadows cling to all that's unhealthy.
i am focused concavely.
distances are distorted, but not out of sight.
i cry all over again.
this wasn't the ending i wanted.
i'm barren physically and emotionally.
you drew your conclusions,
and i'm the one that had to buck your stereotypes.

Simmer

untapped potential rotting in my brain.
undiscovered talents wasting away.
i am too scared to dig into me.
i fear the darkness buried in my soul.
i don't want to know the havoc i can wreak.
i don't want to know what i am capable of.

unmined personality traits await.
unfullfilled anger hovers below my surface.
i need to think more then i feel.
i have to maintain control over myself.
i don't want to know i can ruin everything.
i don't want to know what it's like to lose you.

underneath all my attempts to be normal,
unmasked demons want to be free.
i see pure terror everytime i look in my mirror.
i know there's a point of no return.
i don't want to know where it is.
i don't want to know how to find it.

unrealized emotions must stay that way.
under the skin i must leave the emptiness on simmer.
i like being boring.
i like being unanimated.
i don't want to know what it is like to snap.
i don't want to know what will happen if my suppressed feelings boil over.

More then this

i can't think.
i can't focus.
the world is spinning.
my life is slipping.
i was hoping for more then this.

never hope above your station.
never over expect on your expectations.
i'm one short and fully loaded.
my life is tipping.
i was dreaming for more then this.

my head throbs.
my heart pounds.
the dog is licking off my dead skin.
my life is sinking.
i was believing in more then this.

faith is for fools.
i've been your tool.
i wanted you and i'm sorry.
my life is cracking.
i was thinking i deserve more then this.

Mental

i've got this idea spinning around inside my head.
i see the world differently, but you never believe me.
i hear what's not there and i think thoughts that promote fear.
weird is a second skin that fits me like a glove.

i pick up my shattered ego and
get my glue out to put me back together again.
i tell you i'm mental;
insanity and my personality are one,
but you insist i'm wrong.
when you're mental it comes down to time.

i've got your face running in a loop.
my tracks are laid the wrong way.
i run through the dialogue.
i want to be sure he'll stay.
but it's never perfect and the up's always have a down.
flip a coin to see which me you get tonight.

i pick up my fragile soul,
hold it close to warm it up.
i told you i'm mental;
you think it's a silly kind of crazy,
but it's uglier then you think.
when you're mental it comes down to time.

i run out of time when you've had enough
and make a run for the door.
they all leave me, only the when changes,
time is the enemy when you're mental like me.