Pure Effect

your kisses upon my flesh bring goosebumps to my arms
your smell brings sweet bliss to my mind
your touch propells me into a state of pure effect.

i can't stop thinking about u
ur memories are on an endless loop
all i want is u
and all i need is u
so come here to me
let go to the pure effect of being in love

your smile brightens my darkest thoughts
your laugh is an infectious disease
your words wash over me creating in me a pure effect

i can't stop thinking about u
ur memories are on an endless loop
all i want is u
all i need is u
so come here to me
let got to the pure effect of being in love

your kindness leaves my soul in full alert
your body is a craving i can't fill
your heart is beating faster with me near you
am i your pure effect?

I Don't Do Anything Right

i have missed a class, a handbook, a dummies guide, a t.v. special, a documentary, something on how a woman is to find, attract, and keep the interest of a man. I screw it up every time. Or if I like him he doesn't like me or I find out a guy I like and thought didn't like me did like me. Or they just happen to find the perfect woman the week after we started going out. Or they're too busy to spend time with you. Or anyone or anything in their life is more important then you. Ouch!

Why did I think this shit would get easier with age and time? all i've managed to do is end up with a broken marriage and a long list of men I REALLY REALLY WISH i had never dated. According to all those stupid test and quizzes I'm looking for a witty, intelligent, tall, manly, funny, handy, and sweet man. Where the hell do I pick one of those up? (and i don't date blondes and redheads, they just don't flip my switches)

I give up. My OB/Gyn actually recommended I stay home and spend quality time with my cat until my Man judgement improves. I told her if I did that I'd never date or have sex ever again. But it looks like that's going to happen anyways.

i know my mind doesn't work like most mind's work, and i'm afraid if i find a guy that gets me then he'll be just like me, which would drive me nuts. I'd hurt him. Nothing more annoying then living with someone that is a LOT like you (sorry baby G).

it's so bad to want to watch a movie snuggled up to man instead of a cat that bites and claws you if you try to pet him.

oh, well, i guess you get what you give. i don't trust myself to date right now. i'm too jaded and cynical to believe any word that comes out of the opposite sex's mouth.

I give up. I'll see how I feel about dating, men, sex, and the whole brutal world of male/female dynamics after the new year. Maybe this Christmas i'll get a miracle, but i sincerely doubt it.

Push You Out

I swing through life like tarzan on a vine. I have no future mapped out, I take it one ride at a time. You like me. You call me Sexy. I think your vision needs checked. This isn't the time. You're coming around,something wonderful, and i'm so fucked up i'll just take you down. So i'm pushing you and pushing you hard right out the door. I want you out of my life for your own good.

No one believes me when I say I'm miserable and depressed. People in my life telling me to get over it while they pop their daily anti-depressant's. My island of isolation i've run away to is my only salvation from lashing out and saying something that will hurt someone and never be forgiven or forgotten by anyone. That's why i push you, and keep pushing you right out of my life.

tonight's black inside and out all the way from the blank night sky to the pitch black darkness of my heart. if only i could find a way to turn this depression around. the doctor's are trying to find the right combination of pills to unlock this cage of mental misery i fell into to. but you're so alive. so busy. you have buddies. you have things to do that don't include spending all day in bed and crying for hours on end. that's why i push. i do it for you. i push and will keep pushing you out of my life.

the picture is clear. my life can't include you.

Escape

every day is getting me down
the sun won't shine and the clouds are gray
i am drenched with pain
how am i going to smile when all it does is rain.
i picture a small peice of paradise
somewhere nice
i only want a day far away
some place where i can escape

it's not my fault
when i get down into a funk
i just fall
and then i hit bottom
i roll around a little
then eventually get up
but once in a while i want
to jump
and land on a beach
drink a cool drink and escape

life plays its tricks
on time and lines on your face
you always wonder if your
in the right place
and no one doesn't doubt
there's some where else
they'd rather be
there's a little escapee
in everyone
and especially me

Ass Biting Karma

a diet dr.pepper to fuel my midnight rantings
a sad mellow song on my ipod to fit my mood
i feel sad because i've disappointed with myself
again
i thought you'd call, you said you would
but you tell me a lot of things that never come true
i know who the toy is, it's me
i've been turned into the prey in the game i began
again

so many men to pass through my life
too many men i gave myself to heart & soul
all the men who broke my heart
all the men i broke their heart
karma is really biting me in the ass now
again

the cursor demands i keep dicing myself
into perfect smears for under the microscope
self-mutilation has become an expertise
why is it so hard for me to want me to be happy
again
i've failed so many of lifes tests
marriage wasn't as easy as my parents made it look
relationships of mine never get past one year
i've doomed myself to live a life unloved
again

so many men to pass through my life
too many men i gave myself to heart & soul
all the men who broke my heart
all the men i broke their heart
karma is really biting me in the ass now
again.
tonight, i'm alone, i'm alone, again.

Inadequate Poet

i've been struck down. i've been pinned to the bulletin board of my own inadequacies. i'm not clever, witty, or wise. my attempts at words and rhymes are no grander then a cockroach's demise. millions more attempt this craft with results so spectacular i can only fantasize about delivering such profound bullshit to the world.

water, no pop or sweets, eggs, frozen meals for one, sausage, and biscuits in a tube. i'll wait for the day to break me. i look back on the life that's graced me, when you were mine. the time came and it has gone. one more failure to add to the long list. all i need to go on is my grocery list.

in a trance i glance across the unlimited vastness of google-dom. in the world wide web all is defined, clarified, and critiqued. there are self-proclaimed experts in every field, the words so similiar, it's like they are real. all is resolved within the comforts of your own home. let me in. let me know all that i am ignorant of. make me a jester at the court of knowledge. there really is a ihateclowns.com and a i-am-bored.com in cyber-existence. world peace is in reach with all the world being connected as one via the internet.

crazy? sick? twisted? fractured? broken? used? trashed? lazy no good bitch? or is it all making a sort of lame kind of sense. sometimes even i get scared when i think i've had a thought that might have broken new ground, but that can't be all the greatness has been mined from the minds of anyone worth knowing. so brush me off, shake me loose, settle down comfortably back into the little noose that tightens with every slip of our rights we sacrifice to feel safe in our homes at night. we've given the world just enough rope to hang everyone with, together or apart one cannot live in this world without rippling through everyone else's world.

Jump

we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around how we feel. around while we smile. around while we lie. around who we love. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around who we hate. around akward silences. around dark sunglasses. around cuts and bruises. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around saying the truth. around political views. around racial slurs. around propaganda. we jump. we jump around. backwards and forewards. up and down. we jump. we jump around. around in circles. around like monkeys. around like idiots. around until we all fall down. we all fall down because we jump. we jump around

Okay

as the years begin to accerlate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind, i feel the failures have only just begun. my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything. i've gone from oblivious to hyper observant. trust is no longer welcomed, like the tumbling value of the U.S. dollar, it's not what i want to deal in.

bow your head to pray. be thankful god has abandoned us. he truly is wise. the plan's he had destroyed by his own creations'; so many question and just as many are fueled by the passions of faith. are we even... i think the scales are tipping toward destruction.

love with your entire being. every water drenched cell wrapped in packages in every size, color, and dimensions; i am unable to fathom how we aren't as unique as we want to think we are. connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky dry and neat. i don't want to feel anything tonight.

close. closer. closest. move silently beyond your closed state of mind. shut the door to opportunity. quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead containers. it's a bumpy ride but we love to fly high without leaving the ground. just visit your friendly neighborhood pharmacist. then it'll be ok. ok. all i'm reaching for these days is to feel ok. ok. i want to be ok.

Slowly

love leaves only victory entrenched on the youthful follies the old lover's like to reminisce about. the flame burns red hot like it always does at the beginning, but time brings differences and doubts. the flame turns blue and cold to the touch. until you look one day and see the fire's gone and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like snails when we don't want to change, but know change is coming. a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart. go stand outside staring at the sun setting on your love.

she's picking at every memory. she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her. you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase. she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat. life with her was perfect and clean. you will fondly remember her every time you wear your favorite t-shirt. she's hoping you'll come back. but you both know you aren't looking back.

we move slowly like molasses when life throws us into the wall. you don't love her. god knows you tried to ignore the signs. her eyes full of tears. your heart full of fears. the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her. so you climb into the car and back out into the unknown.

some odd reason she waves goodbye. some strange whisper in the wind tells her she'll be okay. but you don't know and she doesn't know. she waits until the car disappears from her view. finally, she sighs, i never had to tell him i don't love you anymore.

Too Damn Depressed

i miss my old life. the life i had before you came to visit. i'm too damned depressed to get dressed. i'm too damn depressed to care you left. i'm too damn depressed to breathe.

i thought i was strong.my thoughts turned out wrong. sometimes you can make the right decision based on the wrong information. i'm too damned depressed to get out of bed. i'm too damned depressed to cry over you. i'm too damned depressed to kill myself.

you got tied up in knots to figure out what went wrong. you said you did everything you could. you keep talking about what it's been like for you, but what about me. what about me. i'm too damned depressed to shower. i'm too damned depressed to pay the bills. i'm too damn depressed to eat.

i don't go out. i don't talk on the phone. i have built myself an island of solitude. i'm too damned depressed to be around people. i'm too damned depressed so i take another pill. i'm too damned depressed to get over you.

you tried to explain why our relationship wasn't working for you anymore. you thought you made it clear my behavior had to change. you didn't want to hurt me, but you didn't even try to stay and fix me. so you just walk on out the door. well that only made my depression worse. i'm too damned depressed to throw your shit away. i'm too damned depressed to rip up your photographs. i'm too damned depressed to move on.

oh, this depression knows no limit. i'm too damned depressed to write anymore.

It Rained

the medicine kills my creativity, it eats away my soul. the pain comes and goes as it pleases; it leaves me breathless and alone. there are days i feel 100 years old. there are times i think of letting go. this damn darkness has a hold on me. i can't see any light. tears of my misery wash over me; there's no peace for me tonight.

i want to go back in time and warn the young woman i was before my life became a series of doctor's appointments and a long list of prescriptions. tell her to be unafraid and bold. to take the happiness she finds and hang on. live in those moments.

i have times when the pain subsides and my thoughts get clearer to me, but the pain like the rain comes back. i'm supposed to give the meds, the doctors, the treatments some time to work, but i cannot work while i wait for them to kick in. i catch myself daydreaming about the life i wanted and my dissatisfaction for the life i've created.

my emptiness so vast i lose myself for hours at a time. looking at the clock i realize the sun has set and my daughter is talking to herself again. i guess that's because i'm not much of a conversationalist these days. i get so wrapped up in myself that i forget about everything else and she draws me out with her smile and her laughter. i feel guilty having to have her see me suffer. i didn't want to repeat what i had to see when my mother got sick, but it's here.

i'm in a cage i've built with my own fears and doubts. now i'm caught up in what i ought to be and where i should have been instead of what i have and where i am. my disappointment in myself is only trumped by the disappointment i see in other's eyes while i let them down. i know it's been said, it's not being happy with what you want but wanting what you have that makes a difference in your life. but who would want to be happy with what i have?

Ugly on the Inside

10 months of silence breaks tonight via internet's delight
short and curt sentences reeking of bad spelling and grammar
not one to point out the flaws of another but your english sucks
so much for the adventure of love it's been a bust
you are so ugly on the inside
i'll keep it short and sweet so you'll understand me
NO

No i won't do what you demand
no i won't follow your rules
the days where i compromised with you are over
read these words if you even can
the free ride is over get off my bus

you are cold and unfeeling
you don't give a damn about what i've lost
you could only pretend to love me long enough
to get your visa
the jig is up and i've resolved this puzzle
so all i can say to you is no

no i won't give you a dime
no i won't be nice
you don't realize i hate you
the anger in me borders on rage
you think you hold all the cards
but i don't give a fuck anymore
i call you out but you hide
your a chicken shit

the depth i had hoped to discover in you
turned out to be an emptiness greater
then the galaxies of the universe
your superior attitude is a thin disguise
for what a poor man in kindness you are
so do what you want, but i won't be pushed around anymore
so cram your demands down your throat
my only answer will never change
i'll say NO again and again

Comes and Stays

dreams a cruel portal to wishes unfullfilled
there's no happy endings in my world
i can't do my job
i drop everything i pick up
everyday i fight a darkness trying to devour my soul
night night night it comes and it stays

sunshine is burning me like a vampire
i pull the blinds down and black my house out
i can't think
i screw everything up
everyday i hurt and ache and want to give up
night night night it comes and it stays

the drugs are meant to balance me
i feel disturbed and uneven
where's the promised relief
my utopia eludes me
everyday i pop them to get rid of the MISERY
night night night it comes and it stays

where's the freedom from the night
where's my liberation when do i get
to win this fucking fight
why can't i surrender
everyday i ask myself why do i fucking bother
the night, the night the fucking night

IT COMES AND IT STAYS
IT COMES AND IT STAYS
IT COMES AND IT STAYS

let me go

Reboot Me

whisked into a frenzied world i don't comprehend
i see words fly by in a suicide attempt to bury me
in their lofty expectations i succumb to this
travesty, i break into a million pieces

scooped up out of my comfort zone to places i don't like
i see the hostile faces with their furrowed brows
they don't want me here and i don't want to be here
but i'm adrift and can't find a ticket home, i collapse

endless banter meaning nothing and saying crap
i can't keep up in this space age odesyye
the technology has out paced me
and i have not the passion or the desire to catch up
i crash into the web

scatter me, throw me into the wind.
tell me the secrets to keep alive.
when i enter people exit quickly
i can clear a room in 30 seconds flat.
i even get annoyed by the sound of my own voice
i'm such an ass. i tear myself down.

no mask, no rules, no punch line
just me here alone as always.
how many men have i chased away.
i've lost count.
so sorry to say i don't give a damn.
fuck them all, oops i already did that.
tonight i drown. reboot me if you dare.

Pictures

a picture of love full of smiles
no pictures of the down times
when the tears are being cried
when you curl up & think ur dying
no those r only snapshots in our minds
never forget a picture is worth 1,000 words

i have dreams displaced in time & space
i'm walking in my hometown
down the bottom of the hill on shady lane
towards the dead end
i see this surreal creepy house
surrounded my a wasteland
i am transported inside of it
running in crazy circles screaming to get out
what's it mean, i don't know
i can't even drive down that street
just in case the house is there
i don't want to know
a picture i took as a child
scares me so bad even though i'm an adult
some pictures are better left alone

i took your pictures and put them away
it's a waste to dwell so deep in the past
you forget there's a future ahead of you
but on miserable days i find myself
drawn to the closet
to the bottom of the shoe boxes
looking into your eyes
knowing this is as close to you
i'll ever get again.
bittersweet pictures bring the taste of my tears
to my lips

Womanhood Undone

i feel trapped inside a time bubble where
i'm frozen at 23 the clock stopped on Jan.
25, 1996 and i don't want to move, i don't
want to change. i want to be back there
in her hospital room holding her hand as
her last breathe escaped into oblivion

am i a woman now thati've seen death
am i a woman now cause i've been fucked
am i a woman now cause i've given birth
am i a woman now cause i pay taxes
am i a woman now ... i don't know

i see other females my age and younger
they look so together, energetic, bursting
with life, accomplishing so much and
moving forward with friends, family,work
and i sit back knowing i don't fit in

am i a woman now that i've got a career
am i a woman now that i vote
am i a woman now that i married
am i a woman now because my husband left me
am i a woman now....i don't know

inside i feel immature and lost
i'm confused on how to respond
i'm scared to speak up and
offer an idea. i sit to the back
i nod my head but don't hear their
words. i await my oblivion.

am i a woman now that i hurt
am i a woman now cause i feel
am i a woman now cause i'm over 30
do i not get to play and laugh anymore
i'd trade all this woman crap for one bright sunny day
of my child hood, i miss looking at the world
as it's a mystery to be conquered.
am i a woman now that i know the world is fucking nuts?

Lies

i'm down and out
i'm falling
i'm spinning out of control
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver

u make the world in ur image
u think ur God
u really revolve around satan's fire
u never dance in the rain
ur ignorance is somehow my pain

i'm sad
i'm lost
i'm becoming a ghost
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver

u say the sweetest words
u smile to hide ur disease
u think u have immunity
u tell me i'm the disease
no matter what i say ur free and clean

i'm sick
i'm twisting
i'm caught in the wind
don't stop me
don't hold me
don't tell me u love me
lies, liar, leaver
leaver, liar, lies
all i am is ur lies

Chasing Ghosts

my depression is absolute. i see ghosts all around. the ghost of who i was. the ghost of who i thought i'd be. the ghosts of those i love who are no longer with me. i'm haunted all the way to my soul. these so called cures aren't worth the side effects. i thought myself to doom. i believed i would be immune. my ignorance rushed me and i finally saw i'm already dead.

there is a distortion in the sounds surrounding me. i'm always off key. i want the resurrection promised on the death of a savior lost. i repent for all my sins; it doesn't matter if i was caught. they're here punishing me in my head. i want freedom from my flesh. i need will power to walk away, to do what's best. the road is clear; i fell through the potholes. i see what i fear and what i need the most are one and the same. love keeps me chasing my ghosts.

i demand to know who made the rules. i suffer at the end of my rainbow there's no treasure waiting. where is my perfect match. the yin to my yang. the precious inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt, and self help book has crucified my heart. i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, laughing happy couple i see and those damn ghosts won't let me forget when that used to be me. but i thought there was better, something more in someone else, but it was a fruitless search. when you're dead there is no happy ending.

What's this Button For?

I wish there was a big red button that when you pressed it, magically, whatever you wanted, say your cold to go away, would happen. Like a genie in a bottle, this button would grant your wishes, without saying i wish, it would just know what's troubling you and would with one solid push of the button fix what's broken.

I sneeze. I cough. I sniffle. I fever. I am sick. It seems that as soon as I get better I get sick again. I have a headache, sore throat, cough, chills, aches, pains, runny nose. Between my chest feeling like it's in a vice being tightened and the super yucky snotty sneezes all I wanna do is sleep.

I'd press that big red button and my cold would be gone. Or at least kleenex would appear so I don't have to go out and buy some more.

Just for You

I got up today just for you. i took a shower just for you. i got dressed in clean clothes just for you. when all is lost i pull myself together just for you.

all i do and all i say is with you on my mind and your name on the tip of my tongue. i can't function without you in my life. i breathe just for you. my heart beats just for you. my dreams are about you. my happy endings are with you. i'm me just for you.

i wrote this just for you. i made pizza just for you. i bought this perfume just for you. when i think i can't go on i pull myself together just for you.

Wednesday Afternoon

Wednesday Afternoon rain on my window pane. The Dog is playing with her leash, trying hard to coax a walk out of me. My work day is almost done, I really want to have some fun, but there's dinner to cook and the eye doctor to see. The mundane part of life won't let go of me.

It's a circle of dirty laundry and dishwasher cycles. There's bills on the table and socks on the floor. I drift away to somewhere where I am more then Mom doing her chores. A bubble bath, room service, and an afternoon nap sounds so good to me.

Goldie Oldies

i'm playing at work, wishing i had a good book; debating w/myself about the current state of my life; what's wrong & what's right; i don't know anymore; i keep walking into closed doors; w/no where to go, i greive the parts of me that never got to be.
....
i'm dwelling on the past; the love i had that didn't last; it's all slipping through my fingers, like sand through the hour glass; why & how go unanswered; it's just the way it is; no more blame to place; only memories to tease me about what might have been.
.. ..
my heart burns when it's yearning to be loved; when at night the lonliness surrounds me & it's silence is drowning me; i think, is this the 1/2 way mark; am i on a down hill slide? do i try to recapture what i miss? or stay cold, wrapped up in my pride?
.. ..
why is it so hard to tell someone you still love them? is it the years that have gone by? or the fear they'll laugh at you? i just want to taste his kiss one more time; and have it take me back to 17, when life was easier.
.. ..
it was the 2 of us; wrapped up in each other; that 1st love is like no other; wild; free; passionate; intense; covered in youth; dipped in stupid and totally unrealistic fantasies; nostalga washes over me & sweetens my dreams.

Take My Hand

i stand in the eye of a hurricane. the wind is pulling me apart. the rain is cutting me like a knife. i'm tossed about not sure where i'll land.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all of my darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go

i sit in my car while it sinks into the river. the water's rising, so brutally cold. the air is disappearing, i've got no where to go. i'm looking into it's blackness not sure if i can swim.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all my of darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go

i walk on the ledge of this bridge, thw water looks like it could swallow me whole. the voices inside my head tell me it's okay to let go. i'm torn apart, not sure if i should take the leap.

take my hand, lift me to safety
i need someone to comprehend all my of darkest misery
take my hand, never let me go
take my hand, pull me into your arms
i need someone to take my hand and never let it go

I knew this Day would Come

the sadness saturates me from the inside out
i held onto you for far too long
now letting you go feels so wrong
you fell off your pedastool helping me up
now the memories are all mixed up
i'm trying to block you out

the confusion is real
i can't fake a heartache
you to keep eating your cake
i have to kick my addictions
you sleep like a baby wrapped up in your convicitons
i got the wrong end of this deal

the effort is an epic fail
i'm off to buy a pop so i can pop this pill
it's my last chance to cure my ills
my denial has been eclipsed by sky high counts
all the healthy rhetoric you spouted finally is paramount
i have to let me old habits go stale

the dream has died
i'm forced to recall what i intentionally forgot
i'm no longer welcomed in my own camelot
life has become void of all meaning
i resent your very being
right now i'd kill for something deep fried

the process has begun
i analyze all my nooks and crannies
i'm hoping to reduce the size of my fanny
every bite i ever took was me eating my misery
i thought every pound protected me from my enemies
i have to reverse the damage before it can't be undone

Odds and Ends

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

i'm in a circle feeding upon myself
the chores are never done
the dog's always hungry
my restlessness can't be still
and my heart is sick of being alone
life's little odds and ends are keeping me from being satisfied

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

i am repeating the same day over and over again
the bills are always due
the errands always need to be ran
my boredom can't be quenched
and my soul is wilting from lonliness
life's little odds and ends keep me from being free

it came to me this morning
wrapped up in a song
i know now what's gone wrong
life's little odds and ends are doin' me in

the apartment's never clean enough
the car's gotta go to the shop
the dog needs another shot
the gas bill is due
i'm out of milk
the odds and ends
life's little odds and ends
they're doin' me in
they're doin' me in