Bland, Plain and Undeclared

I underestimated the value of my humanity.
I thought I was only worth the objects I could buy.
My sense of self shifted upside down,
Until I believed my existence was immaterial.
A secret intent I kept hidden from those who loved me.
I secret attempt I won't ever be able to discuss with them.
This is the only secret I've ever kept.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hide in open spaces behind my soft smiles.
The pain of the emotions cascading through my brain still remain.
Even worse I don't know why one moment everything I knew was wrong
seemed right.
The world stopped writing my script in black and white.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I faced myself in the mirror to confront her and see if
I could reason with her.
But it's a futile exercise in the war I've lost who I used to be.
Now she's all that remains and she swallows the pills like pez.
Nothing interfers.
Her nightly ritual cannot be compromised.
She panics when bottles are lost or the pill count gets low.

See me here, bland, plain, and undeclared.
See me fall.
See it's funny.
Watch me cry and bleed.
If it helps you to see me hurt then I will hurt myself some more.

I hear panic in your voice at the mere suggestion of the end of life.
How could I have forgotten?
Why did I go blind?
Now I heat it, see it and feel it
Your pain is more valuable when I can keep it from you.
Someday, one day, we all die.
I just can't choose the day myself.
I have to let fate decide.

Kill Myself

What am I doing?
Who am I kidding?
I mess up everything I touch.
I'm a walking, talking one woman wrecking ball.

I'm a clutz.
I'm a duntz.
Stamp Loser on my forehead.
Black ball me.
Execute me.
Toss me to the curb.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I walk under ladders.
I love black cats.
I never win anything.
I even lose more than I have.
I see numbers backwards.
I walk into posts.
I'm a habitual whiner with an appetite for cheese.
My skill is annoying people.
I excel at it so well that people want to hurt me.
Oh, well.

I'm my own worst enemy.
No one can hurt me more then I do myself.
If there's a way to screw it up I'll find it.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.
I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I fall down unexpectedly.
I trip over my own two feet.
I bite my tongue in my sleep.
I swallow when I should spit.
It's disgusting isn't it?
I can't help myself.
I want to hange myself.
Put the hemp rope away.
I can't go out to play.
I always have a headache.
I'm always cranky.
It's always been a bad day.

I'm gonna end up getting myself killed one day.
It'll be accidental.
It'll be weird.
I'll be the darwin award winner.

I'm gonna get myself killed one day.

I Believe in Love

I have to get away. There's no reason for me to stay. I'm searching for a place where I can be me. Call me a fool, but I still believe in love.

I'm chasing hope with the wind holding me back. Someday is now! I'm running down the clock. My eyes are wide open. My heart is on alert. I'm aware and ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday that escapes me brings me down. Everyday unloved is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm dying. I'm hoping. I'm wanting. Everyday I pray that my one true love finds me.

I have to tear down my defenses. There's no need for them anymore. I'm putting down roots to make this my home. Call me idealistic, but I still believe in love.

I'm coming into my butterfly phase; kicking out of my lonely cacoon. Someday is now! I'm riding in the moment. My smile is turned on bright. My laughter is ringing out loud. My soul is singing a happy song. I'm ready to fall in love with you.

Everyday you escape me brings me down. Everyday you don't love me is one more day to forget. I'm trying. I'm crying. I'm wishing. I'm aching. Everyday I pray that your love finds me.

Limits

I was just going to put all my writings in this blog. Limit myself to what is getting written, what has been written, and not actually put anything else in here. But I'm tired and depressed and I just don't want to type the writings in. I tried to bribe my college teenager to do it, but she refused. Laziness is always my downfall. If I don't have to do something I don't do it. I lack motivation. I can't remember the last time I got all excited about something and did it just because I wanted to.

My life now is so very different then anything I'd ever imagined it would be. I can't seem to break free of the depression. I don't want to go back on pills. They just turn me into a zombie. I need to find something to live for again. Something that makes me excited when the alarm clock goes off. I don't dislike my job. I don't hate the world. I just have nothing to hang on to. I have nothing to look forward to. Even Christmas just reminds me of everyone I've lost over the years. My mind is just stuck on the negative and I can't shake it loose.

I'm worried about myself.

It's Over

I can connect the dots.
I can read between the lines.
I know what you're not saying has been on my mind.
It's over, it's over, you've learned your lesson.
The worry isn't worth the pleasure.
You've made up your mind.
It's over, it's over, and you're no longer mine.

It was a brief moment in time.
But it lived up to every expectation I had.
You didn't plan for it to happen.
Neither had I, but it did, but it did
We stole passion when we could.
We enjoyed every second we were there.
But there's too much on your plate.
and you have too much at stake.
It's over, it's over, you say it's over.
It was the first time and it'll be the last.
It's over, it's over, you're no longer mine.

Rock Bottom

I've got to be missing something.
I keep fumbling along hoping to find where I belong.
There's no answers in the darkness.
I've got to look past my senses.
I'm barely holding up.
I think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel lighter then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I wnat to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Have you tried to think but your mind goes blank?
You become an empty slate no one wants to write on.
I'm one of those.
I'm clueless to the bone.
There's no hope for me to recover.
This lost cause in mascara and pantyhose.
I'm think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel light then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I want to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Before

I don't know what to say.
How do you begin to understand
the horrors this world hands out,
to innocent bystanders, sudden victims?
You're scared and crying.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before the pain?
before you were destroyed?
before your heart was ripped out?

We all hope there's some explanation,
either in our faith or the laws of human nature.
We cling to any possibility that we are right
and those who disagree are wrong.
There's a second of calm between dusk and the last bit of daylight.
If we could freeze the world
If we could reverse the tides of carelessness
If we could stop the wave of selfishness
and remind the world what it's like to serve
the good and kind
the just and the innocent

They are all stripped and powerless against the darkness of the world today.
No one is safe anywhere anymore.
There's no magical line you can cross,
to where the devil can't bring chaos to your door.
No escape from the doubt and the fear that cloud our vision
and cause our tears.
How do you capture the moments
BEFORE
before when it was simpler times?
before when your word was your bond?
before when you could take people at face value?
before when you could leave your door unlocked?

But not anymore, those times are gone for good.
Just a memory in some old man's head,
or a story to read at bedtime to the kids.
Before the world was stained by lies.
Before free love became twisted and died.
Before I was born.
I don't have any recollection of the time before.

Impatient

It's got to be done now, now, now
It's got to be my way
and it's got to be quick
I can't sit around all day
I'm in a hurry
I got places to go and people to see
so do it now, now, now

I'm impatient today.
I rush around like a mad woman,
but I'm never ahead of the game.
I feel stressed everyday.
I'm being pulled in 50 different directions.
I'm impatient today.

I tap my fingers on the counter.
I keep looking at my watch.
I honk my horn alot.
Can't these people go faster?
Don't they know I need to be somewhere?
I swear they slow me down on purpose.
I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm ready to punch the gas.
Take some chances,
I can't let this opportunity pass me by.

I'm impatient.
It's got to be right now.
I'm impatient.
It's got to be done my way or it's not right.
I'm impatient.
I get called names.
I get flipped off.
but i have to keep moving.
I can't stop.
I might never catch up again.
I'm impatient because it's a means to the end.

Missing Love

I'm not going to accomplish anything else tonight.
But I don't want to go home.
I don't want to be alone.
Everything about me screams loser.
My dreams fled long ago.

There's not alot of options for people like me.
I am hanging on by a thread.
My hope has deserted me.
My heart doesn't speak to me.
My depression sinks me to new lows.
It's hard to want someone who doesn't want you.
It hurts to watch them find love without you.

I keep finding myself in the same situation.
Driving down the wrong way on a one way street.
Too scared to stopo and ask for directions.
I flirt with diseaster.
I tangle with emotional distress.
I fall in love with love.
I must confess I am a mess.
Screwed up beyond repair,
I look around for relief from my despair.

Happy couples surround me.
I want to vomit.
I want to run.
I keep looking for a gun.
I want to rip my eyes out.
I don't want to see what they have is something I'll never get.
It's love returned.
It's a blessed event.

Here I am empty handed again.
My heart shredded by my mislead directions.
I've been ejected before I ever moved in.
I just want to be loved.
I miss being in love.
I want to be loved.

I Warned You

Who told you life would be easy?
Who said you'd always get your way?
Who made you think the world revolved around you?
That person needs to be flambayed!
Life is an uphill struggle.
You're lucky to make it a quarter of the way,
before you start hitting the down side.
The king sits at the top of the hill,
he throws rocks at you, laughing his ass off.
How dare you challenge him!

We all hold on to our delusions of granduer for awhile,
some longer then others.
A few manage to rise above the gravity,
the rest of us slam to the ground and get doused in reality.
I was once a dreamer, like you.
I was once a fool.
I draped myself in romantic trappings,
hoping to catch a match made in heaven.
I got a devil with an angel's face instead.
He promised me the world and left me his trash.
I guess that makes me jaded.
Solving life's little mysteries aren't my priority.
I'm happy to make it through the day.
I'm just going through the motions, but I still pray once a day.

I don't believe in the fairy tales.
I don't hope for better.
I sit in my corner of the room and make due.
It's survival I'm striving for.
My life's vision got twisted around.
Now I don't remember where I was going in the first place.
My memory seems to blur out the good things.
I shield myself from others dreams.
Covered and protected I hide my soul away.
You do what you want, but you can't say,
that I didn't warn you.
Life will have it's own way with you.

Not a Word

My tongue still tingles with your taste.
My skin still trembles from your touch.
My heart is going to burst because I love you so much.

I can still smell you on my flesh.
I can still feel your heat between my legs.
You mean everything to me.

I never thought the day would come
Where you and I would be one.
This is our little secret.
You can trust me.

Not a word will escape these lips.
Not a word will ever be said about this.
Not a word to betray your love for me.

I know you trust me.
I know you love me.
Wrap your arms around me.
Kiss me.

My muscles still feel weak.
My cries of joy still echo in my ears.
The sensation of your shaved head against my nipples
still drives me wild.

You're amazing.
You're my baby.
You make me smile like crazy.

I can't concentrate.
I close my eyese and see you kneeling in front of me.
You surprise me.
You indulge my fantasies.

I wanted you for so long.
You don't know what this means to me.
I love you so much my heart's about to explode,
But no one will ever know.

Not a word will escape my lips.
Not a word will be said about this.
Not a word will be written in the stars.
Not a word will betray your love for me.

The Sun Still Shines

You wrapped me up in your arms.
You protected me from the darkness.
You hid me away from the world.
You cloaked me in brillance.
You dazzled me with your wit.
You charmed me with your kisses.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

You trusted me with your secrets.
You respected my opinions.
You laughed at my jokes.
You coaxed me out of my shell.
You gazed at the stars with me.
You made me feel special.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

Times have changed, you're not the same.
I feel stuck in the trap you made.
I feel I'm going in circles.
You've had enough of me.
You want out.

I don't understand you.
There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be with you.
The world keeps turning.
The sun still shines.
But I'm so blue without you.

It's Not For Me

I want to hold my dream in my hands.
I want to smell love on the wind.
I want to create life inside of me.
I want to give birth to my creativity.
It's not going to happen that way.
It's not going to be the miracle I need.

Love isn't for me.
It's not for me to have what I've always dreamed.
A man by my side. A loving family.
It's not for me. I'm too independent.
I'm too set in my ways to make changes now.
No, It's not for me. Being happy isn't for me.
Love isn't for me.

I want to make love from dusk until dawn.
I want to snuggle on rainy nights.
I want to watch you sleep and dream every night.
I want to feel your touch on my skin.
I want to know you're my man.
It's not in the cards for us to be together.
It's not what I imagined it would be.

Love isn't for me.
I keep missing the happily ever after.
I keep bypassing the blissful union.
I've set myself up in the trappings of being single.
I can't extract myself from my fears of committment.
I'm too set in my ways to change.
No, it's not for me. Being happy is not for me.
Love isn't for me.

The Same Old Questions

What do I need?
A question i can't answer.
More money? Less weight?
More happiness? Less expenses?

What do I want?
The answer changes daily.
A lover and a friend? A new car?
A foot rub? A new book to read?

What do I think?
Not enough to bother to answer.
World peace will never be. Is this a bite or a zit?
Will I have a job tomorrow? Can the dog understand me?

What do I dream?
The answers are always the same.
Winning the lottery. Sex with Orlando Bloom.
Having more babies. Being on the Price is Right.

What do I feel?
The answer is confusing.
Calm. Sad.
Content, yet depressed.

What do I change?
The answer is everything.
My weight. My attitude.
My hair color. My outlook.

The question never change and neither do I.

Sickie

I watch the blood I just spit into my bathroom sink swirl around and then go down the drain.
I struggle to breathe through my blocked nasal passages.
My image in the mirror is blurry though my watering eyes.
I try to focus on my hair and my eyes burn.

I make it to work 15 minutes late.
I'm coughing and my co-workers gripe "Sickie's here"
I suck on my cough drop while the office quietly spins.
I can't wait until tomorrow when I work from home in my pajamas.

It's not even 9am and I feel exhausted.
My chest hurts and my shoulders ache.
When the hell did it get so bright in here?
Can I sleep sitting up in this chair?
The work is written in Greek today.
I might as well forfeit and drive home to crash under my covers.

Next week is vacation.
I can stick it out.
I can make it.
I'm down to one eye open with a marching band playing in my head.
It's no swine flu but it'll do, that'll do.
Another swig of Dt. Dr. Pepper, ti's cold liquid soothes my scratchy throat.
At 11 my greatest joy will be swallowing 2 more cold tablets.

My Eyes Hurt

my eyes hurt
they water and they burn
they are sick of seeing the world of pain
the bombs exploding, the hate and the crime, the children disappearing overnight
my eyes hurt
they can’t stop crying
they can’t believe all the horrors they see
towers are crumbling, planes are falling from the sky, and people are jumping to die
my eyes hurt
the world has become blurry and unrecognizable to them
they see the predators around every corner
they aren’t just seeing strangers anymore.
it’s our neighbors, our clergymen, our scouts, our teachers, and our counselors too
i want to sew my eyes shut
so i can’t see the tragedies as they unfold
but the axe has fallen
slicing the wool over my eyes to shreds
this is the world
and seeing is believing

Remember I Love You?

how can i reach the deeper end of your pool
when do i get to see beyond the facade of your beautiful face
where did the real you go
do you even know where to find yourself
please don’t run and hide
it won’t hurt much to let me in
just fall on back without looking and you’ll see
that i will catch you in my arms
you’ll be safe here with me

how can i express how i feel about you?
words seem unable to capture a human soul
even with all the poetry and music in this world
i cannot manage to let you know how much i love you
it is a puzzle i cannot solve
a problem that i cannot resolve

i worry if you knew if you would think less of me
so i hide it and bury the feelings deep in my heart
i figure it doesn’t matter how i feel or what i have to say
you have made your mind up and that’s very clear
you and i aren’t meant to be
so i will sit and watch how life unfolds
with my feelings of love for you never told

Over and over i keep telling myself that love really doesn’t matter
i can be whole without having you to hold
but i feel like there is this huge black hole sucking out my soul
life just seems so dull without a spark of love
to keep my fires burning & to keep my heart churning

i just sit around these days doing nothing
my love is growing stagnet and moldy
i doubt even if i was given the chance to love you
that i don’t remember how to love a man
it has been so long ago since i had to tell a man ‘i love you’
that i am fearful i have lost the ability to utter the phrase
i am so scared of being hurt and torn apart
that i have built a fort of defenses to keep you out
i don’t know how the gate works to let you in

so i will sit here watching the sun go across the sky
praying the sun will make me go blind
so i won’t have to see you loving someone else
i will pretend again that i don’t love you
and i will let your life unfold without you knowing i love you

Five and Dimes

you don’t understand me and you don’t even pretend to try anymore
it’s your soul i’ve been trying to reach
it’s not my fault you sold it to the devil
everybody wants someone to blame
every little problem they have is beyond their control
they are a victim, helpless and torn

the five & dimes are all closed up
All you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

nobody wants to care about someone else
the only track your on is the me express
and you only stop when you see someone with something you got to have
you may say the right words
you may nod your head in sympathy
but what you’re thinking is how can i get away and think about me

the five & dimes are all closed up
all you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

Player Jack

He’s a one-eyed jack
Charismatic pirate in a dead head tie
Who likes to love them
And leave them behind
He will slither past your defenses
And swallow your heart whole
Even a chameleon couldn’t see where he hides his heart

You’re always chasing what you can’t have
Hoping to hit the proverbial pot of gold
But you keep getting the Cracker Jack prize
Close your eyes and what do you see?
It’s a picture perfect image but he’s not what he seems

He does it all with a smile
That says, ‘Try to catch me if you can’
And then he’s gone on
To the next little tramp that will drive him wild

He likes his camels
He likes his coffee
And his beer
Other than the occasional frolic in the woods
He couldn’t care
If he was all alone for the rest of his life
It’s men like him that fuel young girls fantasies
It’s men like him that put women into therapy

While You Were Gone

While you were gone, I thought about you every 5 seconds
I wondered if you were doing the same
I counted the seconds until you’d be home
While you were gone, I dreamed you were in my bed every night
I hoped you were alone in your bed every night
I wished you’d call me and say Hello
While you were gone, I convinced myself to let you go
I thought you didn’t matter to me anymore
I knew I was better off without you here with me
While you were gone, I went through an emotional epiphany
I made decisions on my own without your input
I went out alone and enjoyed it
While you were gone, the days got longer and the nights got shorter
The weather got warmer and rain came.
The weather got colder and snow came
While you were gone, I went back and forth
I couldn’t figure out what I needed from you
I wanted to know if I could do it by myself
While you were gone, I lost five pounds
I stopped eating chocolate for one week.
I lightened my hair to a strawberry blonde.
While you were gone, I contemplated my place in the cosmos.
I tried to picture us living together until we die.
I imagined what are children would look like.
While you were gone, I was sad.
I cried.
I was angry you left me alone.
While you were gone, I gained some perspective.
I took a few steps back on this road.
I fantasized a life where I didn’t need you.
While you were gone, I daydreamed about you.
I calculated what you would say about all this.
I tried to guess your reaction to my news.
While you were gone, I drove myself mad.
I went crazy with thinking what if I did that or this.
I spent way too much time on you.
Now your back and I can’t tell you any of this.
Now your back and it’s like you never left.
Now your back and I don’t know what to do about that.

Everyday Miracles

You belong to me is what you say
I say there’s no one else I want to be with
It’s that simple when were together
The world takes second place
When it’s you and I face to face
I can’t help but wonder what I did so right
To make you love me
To make you mine

Let’s look back inside the turning of the clock
To the moment we met
When it looked impossible to love another
As much as we do now
Let’s see the miracle
The everyday miracle of our love as it is today

You never thought you could make it
I never thought I would want to try
But here we are together
And I have never felt so complete
There’s no where else I’d rather be
And no one else I’d rather see
It’s beautiful and perfect
It’s so simple, this everyday miracle

Stop and Think

Let’s stop and think
Just for a second
That’s not a very long time
To reconsider what you are about to say
A split second of time
To prevent blowing your future into dust
Stop and think before you open that mouth of yours
Words wound permanently
I know you’re hurt and you’re angry
I know I have been insensitive to you
And it shows
But stop and think
Stop and think
Before you end it all
Before you close the door on our hopes and dreams
Stop and think of the happy times
Stop and think of our love
Stop and think just one last time
Please stop
Please think
Before you say ‘goodbye’

Everybody Knows

Pretty pink polish on her little toes
Pretty blue eyes and a cute upturned nose
She’s beautiful today
And she knows she’ll be gorgeous when she grows up
And it shows
In her smile
In her giggle
In the way she flips her hair
She’s a woman in waiting
Eager and confident to discover her charms
She knows the boys will love her
When she gets all grown up
She’s learning the walk
And someday she’ll get down the talk
It goes by so fast
Mommy’s little girl loves dolls today
But mommy knows it will go away
No more little girl ways
She’s beautiful in every way
And tomorrow she’ll be gorgeous
Everyone knows

Careful

There’s a truth hidden deep in every heart
Buried beneath lies and misconceptions
With charm planted up on top to cover up the rough spots
Your caught somewhere in the middle
Of who you are and who you want to be
The path is tricky, steep, and dark
Careful not to slip and fall

Careful not to lose it all
No one knows and no one would care anyway
All you want is a little love
But you’re so misunderstood
Careful are they’ll see that you want more
Careful are you’ll get burned

Thoughts speed by on this roller coaster life of mine
I scream my lungs out and at the end of the ride
I don’t have a voice to tell you why
It’s a vicious circle of ½ truths and little white lies
A pinch of misdirection
A smidgen of diversion
And you’re safe again
A mask of perfection
Careful not to drop it

Careful not to lose it all
No one knows and no one would care anyway
All you want is a little love
But you’re so misunderstood
Careful are they’ll see that you want more
Careful are you’ll get burned

Be careful to protect yourself
Don’t get your hopes to high
You’ll just be disappointed in the end
Be careful or every one will discover your only human
Discover you want love
Just like me and just like them
So be careful…

Every Time

I can’t hide what I feel inside
Everyone knows I love you
I wear my heart upon my sleeve
But you don’t notice how my heart bleeds

Every time you look my way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I try to be so cool
I conceal so many secrets
So what’s one more tucked inside my soul
But somehow everyone knows
Everyone but you

Every time you look my way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I catch glimmers of hope in your eyes
Or is that my own desire
Reflecting back on to me
I don’t know what I really see
But I want so badly to be with you

I am told young love fades
And time will drive these blues away
I desperately want to believe it’s true
But I am so helplessly in love with you

Every time I look your way
Every time my tongue gets in the way
Every time I don’t know what to say
You back away
You back away

I am so devoted
I am in so much pain
So many secrets that I hold inside
But everyone knows how I feel
Everyone sees it
Everyone but you…