Inventory

i'm a little fish in a little pond swimming in circles waiting for the day i drown.
my daydreams are making the time pass in impossible fantasies.
i sleep more than i should.
i hurt more than i deserve.
i'm a hopeless romantic suffering from a pessimist disease.
there's no prescription i can fill to cure this mindless pity party.
i think i'm in love with chasing the love that fails.
my breaking heart is the best way for me to know i'm alive.
i've detached from everything i know.
i'm sitting alone taking inventory of my soul and the list is short.

Take the Lie

take the lie it's so much better then the truth
the truth i have in my heart is shallow and cold
i can't stay. love isn't my thing. i want to be more,
but its not here. believe my love was true.
think that i think that about you. take the lie to get you through.

i've been doing this for a long time
i got this leaving part down
i go on and on about forever and happily ever afters
i know what to say and when to say it
it's become second nature to me to see in them
the needs i'm here to fill, but i don't stay
i can never stay; that's my one rule

take the lie to bed and dream about me
how it used to be before the tears and the lonely nights
i said goodbye. we had ugly fights.
you got paranoid. i pushed all of your insecure buttons.
you swear you could see past all my faults,
but no one ever can. you don't know how cracked i truly am.
take these lies and hang them on your walls.
those are what you need to hold on to because i'm gone.

it started long ago and far away
i was lied to and left behind too
it seemed better to leave the lie and make my own world
so i roam around where ever i go i find some comfort, but never a home
i've been call cold
i've been asked if i get lonely, no and sometimes i know it's a lie
and i'll take it over the truth every time
the truth stains, it bleeds, it kills your soul and destroys you
a lie take nothing and stays as long as you keep believing in it.

take the lie and believe it.
take the lie and keep it alive and i'll never be gone.

Sunshine

i'm sunshine on a cloudy day
no one sees me shine away
the addiction is overwhelming me
the mess left behind blinds me
i dig around the old hiding places
today i shined but tomorrow i need more
or i will get left behind

i heard the right words in my head
but those are never the ones that come out my mouth
i can't stop my own train wreck
these actions are half-cocked
i run off into sunshine and drive into deep water full of sharks

i get it right one time out of 100
but all you remember is the 99 i screwed up
there's no good way here
only my flaws show the worst foot forward
i'm still here eating the fallout of my mistakes
hoping one day someone sees me shine

Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

The Sudden

change happens; it appears overnight;
the sudden shift of your whole life with words you dread to hear;
i didn't even know this morning i had awoken to a whole new world.
in your dreams you never saw it coming;
somewhere inside my mind i had wished for crystal visions...
if my life is a mirror into my soul God would be bored to death with mine.

there's things i want to do, but i always say someday.
i'm still waiting on someday to come, but i fear death will find me first.
this sunshine is eclipsed by a dark moon rising.
my pot of chocolate gold wrapped coins that i can't even eat because now i'm diabetic has gotten stolen.
change lurks upon the horizon waiting to jump you,
beat you down, and destroy all you love and flip you off while it runs off with your stuff.

sometimes i can feel it coming, but you pray you can avoid disaster
but no amount of aversion can change the course
your not prepared for the battle when it comes
the war is in my head, but my body shows if i'm winning or losing
there's a place between acceptance and fighting the inevitable
i'm sitting there right now debating with my self on my next steps

what i do matters
what i say matters
what i think matters
what i need matters
what i want is what destroys me, it always destroys me!

change can be a friend or a foe
i don't know which one these changes are right just yet
i'd let hope back in but i'm too damaged to accept it as a comforting friend
i have to be awake and aware
i have been sleeping through my life letting every whim drive my direction

there is no resistance left in me
i change or i die
the rejection of the facts and to deny the test results if foolishness
tomorrow is no longer the distant future or some remote possibility
denial won't accomplish what i need
it's time for me to change

The Sun Revolves

baby, look around you, i built this world for you.
don't listen to those scientific fools,
the sun revolves around you!

the blue sky, these tree's and the birds singing are all here for you.
I know God exists and he's brilliant because he created you.
no worries or fears my dear,
because the sun revolves around you!

the stars are infinite with a light that never ends,
just like the sparkle in your eyes that brighten every body's day.
the moon reflects upon your face and no darkness can stop the force of your happiness.
no stress or frowns, my sweet man,
because this sun revolves around you.

Ranting

you know i try not to form opinions it feels like i'm catching a disease
i like my mustard on everything please
let's skip from the end to the beginning who needs the middle to understand
i cut up both of my hands just to see if i bled like a man

trivial pursuits bog down my heart
my little thoughts blow up bridges as i depart
you can't go anywhere with me
every time i flee i have to double back just to pee
up is a good day and down is most of my days
i wish you'd come around but wishes don't feed me

i feel a Godly grief deep in my bones
i beg the doctor to prescribe some relief but i never get any
i try to meditate to clear my head but i keep thinking you would love me more if i were dead
heart beats and dream dates never co-exist
all i seek is eternal bliss

i play the game not knowing the rules
i feel the pain thinking it is the ultimate truth
i conquer one fear to gain five more
this wheel is chasing me uphill
if affliction does us good i should be nominated for sainthood
rhyme and reason confuse all that is important only matters to you

set up the fall and begin the countdown to my demise
take good pictures or a video
i want to look tall and photo shop off fifty pounds
i don't want to look fatter than i already do
oh here i go again ranting like the mad woman that i am

Fear and Soap

Another day that looks and feels the same as any other day.

My heart is cold.

My body is hot.

Summer approaches with it's blistering and unforgiving sun.

It's hard to hide when your world is in the spotlight.

Everyone is a judge.

I want to lie in my bed forever.

I want to be buried on it still under the covers.



So young. So bitter.

So sweet. So jaded.

I think too hard.

The race of thoughts in my head has stopped.

But I didn't win.

Every pill I pop is supposed to be a miracle.

But I'm still depressed.

Most days I don't bother with getting dressed.



The pressure to hurry up and get better is leaving me

more neurotic then ever.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was my neurosis.

I've been mentally dysfunctional since I was a little girl.

I can't even remember being normal.



Little bits and pieces of moments etched into my brain have

made me who I am today.

I'm a giant ugly unfinished quilt that is unraveling fast.

I'm remembering the stupidest stuff.

My past failures are piling up.

The memories cling to me and I can't wash them off.

I end up smelling like fear and soap.



I'm losing hope that this curse will never be lifted.

And the voices in my head will eventually win.

Others compare my disorder to theirs like two people

commenting on the weather.

So, I'm not alone.

This should help, but it doesn't.

I still feel isolated and guilty so guilty.



Like a good christian i've built my own cross to carry,

Until it's time to crucify me.

I feel that day is closing in on me.

I'm weak.

I can't handle the pain.

I'm crushed by my burdens.

I'm unable to help those I love because I can't help myself.



I'm standing on emotional quicksand.

It's sucking me in and it won't let go.

Every time I think I am moving forward I realize

I'm really walking backwards.

I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but that's all i do anymore

is let everyone down.

It hurts to hear their deep sighs as they let their

expectations for me go.



I want to be who I used to be.

But it's been forever since I saw her in the mirror.

I think she's left me too.

All I am is crazy these days.

I take 10 showers a day with all kinds of wonderful

smelling soaps but I still reek of fear.

Silent

i don't know where to start
and i have no idea how to end it
this is wrong no matter how you spin it
the words come and go but none capture the moment
i'm silent

my ears heard you say it
i saw the expression on your face
you were serious and full of intentions
i'm not sure if they were good or bad
which direction you are heading is a mystery
you're waiting for my response
i'm silent

normally, i can fire off a quick quip
brush off your shots easily
dodge your bullets like a pro
whenever you try to get under my skin
i deflect you again and again
but this was unexpected
its not like you to cut so deep to hurt me
your cheshire like grin leaves me Silent

did you read a self help book
or join an online relationship forum
the other day you mentioned being at your wits end
i didn't pay attention to it
i never do when you say stupid things like that
i love you isn't that enough for you
now we are staring at each other
you're holding your breath now
we are now both Silent

i think you broke us
i don't know what to do or say
i let the Silence stay
i grab my coat
i go out the door
and i walk away