Flawed

I am merely human.
I am riddled with flaws.
Inside and out they leave their mark.
My nose is scarred.
My freckles unevenly placed.
The more I look in the mirror,
The more I see how flawed I am.

I am an emotional being.
I am a vortex of contradictory decisions.
I leave my mark everywhere.
I cry suddenly with no provacation.
I get angry, explode, then laugh it off 5 seconds later.
The more I explore my inner mind,
The more I find how flawed I am.

My flaws bring me down to the basic level of humility.
These flaws make up the whole of me.
Each little piece doesn't explain enough about me.
Without being flawed I wouldn't be me.
I hate my flaws.
I love my flaws.
My flaws are who I am.

Little Heart of Mine

Little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
You keep jumping into love without thinking first.
Every time you get broken you blame it on me.
Little heart of mine, I want to rip you out of me,
I want you to remember this pain.

Little heart of mine, please have mercy on me.
He says he loves us, but I don't believe him.
Can we pull back and take a break from this ride?
Little heart of mine, I'd like to throw you away
So I won't have to feel this pain.

Little heart of mine, I know you're hungry.
You desire the fire of love to feel alive.
I get tired of crying when we get burned.
Little heart of mine, can we make a truce?
And both of us can get relief from this pain.

Please little heart of mine,
I'm asking you oh so nicely;
I saw his smile too.
Oh, little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?

Fade to Black

You turn me inside out.
You fill me full of doubt.
You are the reason I can't make it out of bed.
I got to get you out of my head.

I see the sky.
I see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The thunder cracks and my whole life fades to black.

You tell me secrets to keep.
You love me until I weep.
You built me to be the woman you love,
But I don't love me.
How can that be?

I can see the sky.
I can see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The lightening strikes and my whole life fades to black.

You always have the answers.
You know me better then I know myself.
You order for me.
You dress me.
You tell me what I need.
But I want out before I fade to black
And there'd be no me to come back.

Depression Confession

I must confess I'm too damn depressed.
I want to be alone.
I don't care that you don't like it.
I can't hear myself think.
I just want to sleep.
Go Away!

Let me wallow in my misery.
Let me cling to my self-pity.
I got too much shit dragging me down.
I don't want you around.
I'm too damn depressed for company right now.

I swear you have to leave.
I won't be responsible for what you see.
I'm breaking down.
Every mistake and all my regrets have me cornered.
All the feelings I've supressed have taken over.

I confess I'm too damn depressed.
I'm no good to you.
You need to go.
I have to be alone.
My depression confession is a full blown tear driven storm.

I'm too damn depressed for you.
I want to be left alone.
Just me and my fear and
All the pictures from past happy years.

Smiley Face

I'm stepping outside of the lines.
I'm taking a chance and rolling the dice.
God don't let me die!

Disappointment is my second skin.
I stare at myself in the window pane.
My life's work left undone.
I burned out my retna's watching you shine.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

Jealousy is green and
Depression is blue.
Anger is red and
Loving you is suicide black.

You advertise yourself larger then life.
But the actual size is a surprise.
I misread the directions.
And I poisoned myself with all your lies.

Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.

I've bent over backwards to kiss your ass.
I handed you my love in a Russian glass.
I looked up to the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
All I got was a sore neck.
I guess I should've expected that.

No you can't be replaced.
And I live with this disgrace.
But at least I'm still wearing my smiley face.

Monkey on My Back

I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.

But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.

I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.

I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.

I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.

Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.

When I was 14

When I was 14 they locked my mother away in a hospital's padded room.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.

I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.

When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.

Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.

Poison in The Air

The harder I cling to life
The slippery the slope becomes.
I'm never safe.
Not at home.
Not in bed.
I fall closer to hell with
Every breath I take.

The air is poison.
The sky is smothering me.
I hear noises when nothing's there.
My imagination works against me.
I'll never be a legend.

I'll be forgotten as soon as I'm gone.
Just rotting away in the ground.

Cut Myself and Bleed

Why don't you bring me flowers?
I beg and plead.
I'm willing to cut myself and bleed,
just to see an emotion cross your face.

Good love is hard to find.
It's been hard to find someone to
Understand my twisted mind.
The only one I tried to love forever
Can't wait to leave.
All I wanted was some flowers.

I'm a mess.
I'm crazy.
I'm hard to get.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I get it.
We've been through all this before.
You never care when you're getting some.
It's all the other minutes in the day you can't handle me.

I sense your shut down.
Your walls are strong.
I'm so tired of trying to climb over them.
I want to tear you down,
Make you feel unworthy like you do to me..

I want you to want flowers.
I want you to beg and plead.
I want you to be willing to cut and bleed,
just to get me to show you an emotion.
I want you to love me.

Bag of Bones

I'm a bag of bones with folds of fat all around.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.

Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.

Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.

The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

Breaking

Ah, the fog surrounds my car.
The fog invades my brain.
Thoughts fall into it's void
And I want to sleep all day.

I pull into the parking lot.
I got to back into a spot.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
It's these trivial things that get to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The drying doesn't heat up.
The computer won't boot up.
My bank account is hitting zero.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

Ah, the caffiene isn't working.
My blood is sludge.
Thoughts won't form
And I want to fade away.

I sign into my laptop.
I got to get some work done.
The deadlines are approaching.
It's stress like this that gets to me.

Everything around me is breaking.
The cable is going in and out.
The car died in traffic.
My bills are overdue.
Every around me is broken, even me now.

This Winter

This winter is freezing me outside to in.
Hope cannot blossom under these persistant grey skies.
I try to find a smile inside of my soul,
but it's buried under several feet of snow.
It's impossible to discover joy when you can't stand up on ice.

This winter knows it brings death.
The flowers are dead. The grass has wilted.
The blue skies have disappeared.
The usual peace I find in the solemn white landscape
has been lost under inches of ice.

I'm not sure what I like anymore.
What used to make me laugh,
now just makes me sad.
I feel the strain of my beating heart.
My weight crushing me to death inside to out.

This winter has been painful.
The cold clings to me.
The wind tears through me.
I find myself curling up and
never wanting to leave my bed.

This winter seems endless.
The signs of spring are too far away to bring me comfort.
I used to want winter to stay.
But all I think about now is how much I miss the sun.

Darkness is in the sky and in my thoughts.
Contradictions are running wild inside of me.
Is there a storm of depression brewing in me?
I don't know if I can survive another one.
To be turned upside down again,
to feel my insides wanting out again.

This winter has eclipsed all expectations.
I had the calm, now it's all undone.
The snowflakes fall & each one makes me anxious.
All of it piles up around me,
I'm scared it will bury me.

This winter drapes the hills in the distance.
It all seems ominous to me now.
I want to runaway,
to somewhere that winter's icy grip cannont reach me.

Happy Is Gone

Stuck on what could have been;
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.

Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.

I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.

Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.

I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?

I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.

Consumer

I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.

I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.

I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.

Snowy Sky

I look outside
Up to the snowy sky
The big fat snowflakes
Erase the curves of the landscape.

The cold burns
My throat as I breathe
In then out
Hoping to escape the freeze.

The dog runs around
Joy in her eyes
Mine are downcast
Happiness is not easy for me.

I pull up my collar
Try to protect myself
From the brutal blizzard
Of gray and gloom.

I look up to
The snowy sky
And I wonder
Will i survive this winter?

Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

MeeMaw

I sit down to write you a letter,
but I fear it won't be enough
to lift your spirits.
I want to get a smile out of you.

I guess I could pick up the phone,
but the words won't form.
I get overwhelmed with how much I miss you.
I don't want you to hear my tears.

I would like to send you an e-mail,
but you don't own a computer.
And I wonder if I could get through
the years of distance with one hello to you.

I send the cards when I'm supposed to -
the birthday, the christmas holiday.
The one I wish I didn't need;
that get well card was sincerely meant.

My love is always yours,
as far back as I can remember,
I've adored you.

Your sweet smelling perfume.
The prim and proper ruffled tops.
The hair in a bun at first dark brown
then a soft gray.

You're the one true person that will
always be a part of me.

All my love,
Little Irene

Something Inside of Me

there's something inside of me i can't control. my life swirls and twirls by me while i sit in the passenger seat and watch an invisible hand on the steering wheel drive me mad. i'm living in a circle of distrust. and the one person i reach out to won't call me back.

i'd go anywhere, even to the ocean, which i fear to get rid of you. i'd go to the circus, even though i hate clowns, to get you out of my head. just tell me what you want me to do and i'll follow through or i'd at least try to

there's something inside of me defeating my purpose and stealing my hope. i want to set it free. i want to let it runaway, but like a moth to a flame i can't separate it from me.

i'd say anything if you'd stay. i'd tell you that you're right and i'm wrong, even if it's not true, though it is. i'd lay down all my guilt so you could walk all over it, just like you walked all over me. i want you back, i do, but not really.

there's something inside of me spewing nonsense and telling lies. i want to turn it off. it has to have a abort button somewhere. i need to find a path to bypass it. i think i can't survive without it.

Southern Jim

I tried to put myself in the shoes of a soldier's wife. My brother was in Iraq for awhile, thankfully he came home safely. I wish all of our soldiers come home safe and sound to their waiting families.

My beloved, southern Jim, i miss you most at night, when the house is dark and i lie in our bed, instead of hearing your snoring, there's only silence.

i know it's hard for you too. so much harder for you then us here. my sweet southern Jim, your soul is drying up and your skin is getting burnt and you sleep every night in dirt. i feel your hurting and i want you to know that whatever you do over there doesn't change the man you are to me.

if there's blood on your hand's, wash them clean. it's you doing only what you've been ordered to do. you're a good soldier and a good man. my compassionate southern Jim, let the guilt rest upon the shoulders of those that called you to war. Don't let the evil corrupt your soul. i still love you my darling, my southern Jim.

i sing our song in my head. it's been ours since high school, but it's just as beautiful today as is our love that still remains for each other. i blame myself for where you are. if we'd had more time before our babies came, then you'd been able to get more education. the educated have more choices. they have more of everything, my brave, southern Jim.

but don't you worry about the money. you did what you needed to do to support our growing family. please believe me when i say i'm proud of you and the fight you battle inside yourself everyday. be safe, my love, my southern Jim

i'm watching the political scene shifting quicker then the sand you're always covered in. things are looking as if chaos is coming full speed ahead, so please, keep your head down and my picture tucked in the pocket of your uniform over your heart. i'm there with you every second. i'd never leave you, my southern Jim

my beloved, southern Jim, i'll always be your northern belle. no nation or war can destroy what only love has built. rest in peace, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my children's father. i already miss you beyond repair. i'll see you again one day in heaven, my wonderful, southern Jim. Save some mint julip for me in heaven, my one and only southern Jim.

The Power of Thought

i think i'm beautiful then i am beautiful. i think i'm smart then i am smart, i think i'm confident then i am confident. i think positively then i am positive. it worked for miss piggy, moi, hi-ya! that tony robbins made a fortune with his can do attitude. so why not me? i can do it too.

"SHUT UP U F*CKING TREKKIE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

u are stupid. u are fat. u are lazy. u r negative. u r negative. that's what u r. that's who i am. i can't untangle the darkness strangling my brain to death. my thoughts spiral downward into depression's familiar kiss. can God save me from my own abyss?

"SHUT UP U WHORE. U R NO ONE. U R NOTHING. STOP UR BITCHING. I'M F*CKING SICK OF IT."

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

cut open my head, pull out my brain, clean it with bleach until it's pristine, then i'll be free.

i'll be dead, but baby, that's better then being who i am.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

I Chase Away All the Good

my heart has dried out smaller then the grinch's before he gave back christmas. i'm in the middle of a love drought, unable to find an oasis to save me from these hallucinations. i'm dying slowly each man at a time. i go through them like there's an endless supply. i can't settle and i won't compromise. i chase away all the good in my life.

i like the bed all to myself. i love my bed more then anyone else. there's only room for one. you might visit when i want some sex, but the invitations short lived and i move on. ignore me, store me in tupperware. throw me in the freezer, cut off all my hair. you were ok and the chemistry was in the middle of the periodic table. put the sparks fade, the light's dim, and i chase away all the good in my life.

i've been accused of many crimes. i've committed some and got away barely every time. the infractions were small but the message was clear, i believed the laws are bendable if you know how to play to the crowd. public opinion is panicing people too scared to read the facts. knee jerk reactions lead to law changes that can't be enforced because the officers are outnumbered. so i chase away all the good.

i can make all the observations i want. i can talk nonsense and bash anyone in the world because i have free speech but am i free. my taxes eat away any hope i'll ever escape from my debt. thank god debtor's prison no longer exists. i'd be there living on water and bread. i chase away all the good.

there's no point in living if you lay in bed all day. prop up the pillows and hacksaw open my brain. find the section that is rotted and black, cut it out so it never grows back. then maybe one day i'll stop chasing all the good away.

Empty Valentine

Valentine's day on the horizon;
Love in the sunset.
I haven't met him yet.
My reservation has been cancelled.
My red roses are dead.
And I feel empty inside.

Love is an elusive feeling;
I keep chasing without success.
It never lasts long enough for me.
Feb. is bitter sweet misery.
My chocolates have spoiled.
My stuffed animals are in the trash.

Nothing says I love you like murder;
Diamonds that sparkle and shine blind you.
My heart's been ripped out one too many times.
My balloons have deflated.
My glass slipper has shattered.
And I feel empty inside.

Nothing That Would Interest Me

How do you know my story after looking at me for 10 seconds?
Do you always judge a book by it's cover?
I know I don't look like a model.
I'm ordinary and natural.
I'm a real woman with real love to give.
But that's nothing that would interest you.

I confess I liked your smile,
But I always want to know more.
And you, slammed the door in my face.
So, of course, now I know,
You are nothing that would interest me.

It's so funny in this superficial world to hear such harsh
and thoughtless words.
Everyone rushes to judgement,
like love has a time limit.
These fast food 99 cent relationships have
nothing that would interest me.

I want to go back in time,
to when people took their time to say hello
and get to know who you are on the inside.
Today everyone's too busy to find someone to interest them.

So I'll keep moving forward, cuz there's
nothing that would interest me here.

To This Day

It was all so long ago,
All my friends thought you were too fine,
but I had a secret that was all mine.
It's not you I still think about.
It's not you I still dream about.
Your brother's smile haunts me to this day.

He was nice and you were mean.
He was the one that sped up my heartbeat.
I was weak and followed the crowd,
but I wanted to shout outloud,
you've got the wrong one,
you've got the bad one.
His Brother's dancing eyes haunt me to this day.

I was so young and had no clue.
He seemed shy and I was tongue tied.
I wonder if I had told him that I adored him,
if he would have even cared.
It's impossible to know the answers to questions so old.
The longing to run my fingers through his dark silky hair
haunt me to this day.

I even look for him sometimes online when he crosses my mind,
but he isn't the technical kind.
I remember playing hide n seek in the dark.
He jumped down from a tree and scared the heck out of me.
His deep laughter haunts me to this day.

I bet he doesn't even remember me.
It's been so long ago.
We grew up on the same road
but our paths haven't crossed in over 20 years.
My wondering how he is haunts me to this day.

I used to walk by his parent's house to catch a glimpse of him.
How stupid my 13 year old self seems to me now.
But I'll never forget him, even if his memory
haunts me until my dying day.