I am sad.
The light burns too bright for me.
The birds sing too loudly for me.
My heart beats too strongly for me.
I run and hide.
I try to hide from the world.
I am sad.
I am glad.
The rain is pouring down on me.
The tears are flowing from my eyes freely.
My soul is searing in glorious pain.
I am feeling.
I try to embrace the emotional tidal wave.
I am glad.
I am mad.
The man is telling lies to me.
The fool inside wants me to believe.
My mind yells he's playing a trick on me.
I am screaming.
I tried to avoid this moment for weeks.
I am mad.
Inspired in a spiral of see-sawing emotional diseasters.
I am every emotion.
I am no emotions.
I am sad.
I am glad.
I am mad.
This up has no down, but to turn my life around.
Inspired I spiral out of control dancing with my remote control.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
No Pressure
the deadline is approaching, the system is exploding.
there is no way you can meet the demands.
just watch as your waistline expands.
you hear the blah, blah, blah
come out the technical mouths attached to the logical heads
you see your hands fly across the keyboard to their commands.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
the bills are due tomorrow and the cash is running out.
you just got paid but the bank account is negative.
the juggling act just isn't cutting it
all you have is never enough
but there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
the doctor won't see you without your copay
the prescriptions can't be filled unless you pay
how can i feel any better if i can't take my pills
all this pressure that doesn't exist is killing me here.
but it's all in my head, this pressure i feel.
sinus' are causing the brain to swell, there's no anxiety
just an infection that i can't afford to get healed.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all
there's no pressure, nope, no pressure at all.
there is no way you can meet the demands.
just watch as your waistline expands.
you hear the blah, blah, blah
come out the technical mouths attached to the logical heads
you see your hands fly across the keyboard to their commands.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
the bills are due tomorrow and the cash is running out.
you just got paid but the bank account is negative.
the juggling act just isn't cutting it
all you have is never enough
but there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
the doctor won't see you without your copay
the prescriptions can't be filled unless you pay
how can i feel any better if i can't take my pills
all this pressure that doesn't exist is killing me here.
but it's all in my head, this pressure i feel.
sinus' are causing the brain to swell, there's no anxiety
just an infection that i can't afford to get healed.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all
there's no pressure, nope, no pressure at all.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Days I Waste
There are days where time moves so slowly I feel every second in a minute pass by.
If that is boredom, then I know it well.
The hours I've wasted staring up at the sky,
With my mind creating images and patterns where none exist.
The mind is an ego-centric being trying to impress
Upon the clouds its own designs.
I hear in the distance a dog barking and a bird singing.
I feel the sun warming my flesh.
I see the periwinkle sky dotted with the white wisps of clouds.
Yet I am thinking about the nothingness of it all.
The hollowness that is inside my soul processes no emotions.
I only know the world by its cold aethestics.
The subtle tones and varying shades of humanity are lost to me.
Another hour today is no different then an hour tomorrow.
I've burned out my emotional retinas.
My perception is tainted with the bitterness of heartbreak.
If that is boredom, then I know it well.
The hours I've wasted staring up at the sky,
With my mind creating images and patterns where none exist.
The mind is an ego-centric being trying to impress
Upon the clouds its own designs.
I hear in the distance a dog barking and a bird singing.
I feel the sun warming my flesh.
I see the periwinkle sky dotted with the white wisps of clouds.
Yet I am thinking about the nothingness of it all.
The hollowness that is inside my soul processes no emotions.
I only know the world by its cold aethestics.
The subtle tones and varying shades of humanity are lost to me.
Another hour today is no different then an hour tomorrow.
I've burned out my emotional retinas.
My perception is tainted with the bitterness of heartbreak.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Rest In Peace - The United States of America
The oil is clogging up the sea.
The fish and sea critters have nowhere to go to be free.
The blackness covers them in darkness.
Every breathe brings them closer to death.
And the news says people are suffering.
They need the sea to eat.
The company tries to dodge the bullets of blame
Being shot from every direction.
They deflect the questions.
They use deception to alter perceptions.
They hope they can be pulled out of the slick,
And reaim the fire plume towards a scapegoat;
All to save a buck or two.
There's a slippery slope that we are sliding down.
Lies are being told as truth.
No one speaks with honesty.
Integrity is just another word in the dictionary.
We all have the programming to be better and
Thereby build a better world.
But only the fools pass into the offices.
Where the ghosts' of their consciences haunt them;
While they make their greedy demands.
Their little crickets have long been dead.
And only the words they say change to appease the wind of public opinion.
Power and money is the reason they run around
Like monkey's squeezed into hamster wheels.
Fear drives them to harden their hearts.
They amass their fortunes and sit atop their pyramids;
With the giant eye watching out for anyone who tries to
Take a bite out of their apple pie.
The oil spill is a symptom of a much deadlier disease.
We are electing our own demise.
I say let's start over.
Pack them up, Clean all the white houses on those hills out.
But I know change is an illusion.
To even want to be a politician,
Selfishness is the main requirement.
Love thyself leads the charge.
So don't be surprised to see more
More spills, diseasters, cover ups,
More busted budgets, broken promises, lost jobs,
More deserted houses, lies and foreclosed American dreams.
The skeleton of the constitution sits behind bullet proof glass,
Meaning nothing more then a history lesson that kids don't even want to learn.
No longer is it securing "Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity"
Rest in Peace - The United States of America.
The fish and sea critters have nowhere to go to be free.
The blackness covers them in darkness.
Every breathe brings them closer to death.
And the news says people are suffering.
They need the sea to eat.
The company tries to dodge the bullets of blame
Being shot from every direction.
They deflect the questions.
They use deception to alter perceptions.
They hope they can be pulled out of the slick,
And reaim the fire plume towards a scapegoat;
All to save a buck or two.
There's a slippery slope that we are sliding down.
Lies are being told as truth.
No one speaks with honesty.
Integrity is just another word in the dictionary.
We all have the programming to be better and
Thereby build a better world.
But only the fools pass into the offices.
Where the ghosts' of their consciences haunt them;
While they make their greedy demands.
Their little crickets have long been dead.
And only the words they say change to appease the wind of public opinion.
Power and money is the reason they run around
Like monkey's squeezed into hamster wheels.
Fear drives them to harden their hearts.
They amass their fortunes and sit atop their pyramids;
With the giant eye watching out for anyone who tries to
Take a bite out of their apple pie.
The oil spill is a symptom of a much deadlier disease.
We are electing our own demise.
I say let's start over.
Pack them up, Clean all the white houses on those hills out.
But I know change is an illusion.
To even want to be a politician,
Selfishness is the main requirement.
Love thyself leads the charge.
So don't be surprised to see more
More spills, diseasters, cover ups,
More busted budgets, broken promises, lost jobs,
More deserted houses, lies and foreclosed American dreams.
The skeleton of the constitution sits behind bullet proof glass,
Meaning nothing more then a history lesson that kids don't even want to learn.
No longer is it securing "Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity"
Rest in Peace - The United States of America.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Out of Tune
You realize your heart and life have gotten out of tune.
You sit down to figure out what to do,
Where you are going,
And where you want to be.
How to find the path to set you free.
It's not as easy as it seems.
A whole lifetime could pass you by,
Before you see you aren't where you thought you'd be.
And that's when you declare,
I got to do it my way!
No more short cuts or compromises.
My way's got to find it.
You rearrange and make changes until you got it.
Doing what you should be and doing it your way.
You drive down the highway talking to yourself.
It's all so clear when you are by yourself.
But along comes the day and yourself gets lost.
You're too busy to apply all those ideas inside your mind.
You tell yourself there'll be time someday,
but you're kidding yourself
And one day it won't be enough
to declare enough is enough
it's got to be my way or no way
because the only way left is the light above your head.
You sit down to figure out what to do,
Where you are going,
And where you want to be.
How to find the path to set you free.
It's not as easy as it seems.
A whole lifetime could pass you by,
Before you see you aren't where you thought you'd be.
And that's when you declare,
I got to do it my way!
No more short cuts or compromises.
My way's got to find it.
You rearrange and make changes until you got it.
Doing what you should be and doing it your way.
You drive down the highway talking to yourself.
It's all so clear when you are by yourself.
But along comes the day and yourself gets lost.
You're too busy to apply all those ideas inside your mind.
You tell yourself there'll be time someday,
but you're kidding yourself
And one day it won't be enough
to declare enough is enough
it's got to be my way or no way
because the only way left is the light above your head.
God has Me on Mute
The TV ain't gonna save me and God has me on mute!
This road I've been driving on washed out right in front of me.
I can't see where to go. I have no GPS to know the way.
This world has me confused, but that's not hard to do.
I want a little piece of peace inside my mind.
I want a little bite of love inside my heart.
I want a little bit of happiness inside my soul.
What's it to want a little up when all I feel is down?
Bring me peace.
Bring me love.
Bring me happiness.
Bring me a reason to stay.
The dog really isn't God and I can't buy a cure when my money is all gone.
I tried to fly but I never left the ground.
When I ran I tripped. I drowned on my own blood.
I've gotten confused, but that's not hard to do.
This road I've been driving on washed out right in front of me.
I can't see where to go. I have no GPS to know the way.
This world has me confused, but that's not hard to do.
I want a little piece of peace inside my mind.
I want a little bite of love inside my heart.
I want a little bit of happiness inside my soul.
What's it to want a little up when all I feel is down?
Bring me peace.
Bring me love.
Bring me happiness.
Bring me a reason to stay.
The dog really isn't God and I can't buy a cure when my money is all gone.
I tried to fly but I never left the ground.
When I ran I tripped. I drowned on my own blood.
I've gotten confused, but that's not hard to do.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monochrome
I am monochromatic today.
From my boots to my roots,
I am a variety of beige.
My flesh and my underthings
All play off the same color today.
From sober and heavy,
To Light and airy,
Beige blends and transcends,
I'm draped in a monochromatic blend.
Sepia tones address
My blandest mood depresses.
The sky is dark.
The rain is clear.
And I am 10 types of brown.
From the bark of the trees
To the ground,
I've honed into this frequency
of a polychrome delinquency.
I am monochromatic today.
Hear my monotone voice.
Feel the calm of the dull.
Embrace the fawn inside.
And let your inner taupe define
Another boring day on the outside.
From my boots to my roots,
I am a variety of beige.
My flesh and my underthings
All play off the same color today.
From sober and heavy,
To Light and airy,
Beige blends and transcends,
I'm draped in a monochromatic blend.
Sepia tones address
My blandest mood depresses.
The sky is dark.
The rain is clear.
And I am 10 types of brown.
From the bark of the trees
To the ground,
I've honed into this frequency
of a polychrome delinquency.
I am monochromatic today.
Hear my monotone voice.
Feel the calm of the dull.
Embrace the fawn inside.
And let your inner taupe define
Another boring day on the outside.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Gory Thoughts
I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.
I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.
Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.
Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.
I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.
Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.
Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Failure of Living
if someone has lower self-esteem then i do
and hates themselves as much as i do
when i'm lost in my deepest moments
of self-reflection then they probably aren't alive.
why does God hate me? i have failed at being a human being.
why do I hate myself? i am a failure at living.
i stare. nothing appeases me.
i glare. nothing looks good to me.
my eyes want to jump out of my skull
and find another face to look at every day in the mirror.
i squint. nothing escapes me.
i catalog every facial deformity.
why does God hate me? he made me so ugly.
why do you hate me? i am a failure at loving you.
eclipse. darkness and shadows are my friend.
lack of lighting, angles, and photoshop
help me pretend that even i can be pretty.
nip that. tuck this. suck some fat out.
and let the bruises fade until i have a better face then this.
why does God hate me? can i hate him back?
why do I have me? Can I ever love myself the way I am?
and hates themselves as much as i do
when i'm lost in my deepest moments
of self-reflection then they probably aren't alive.
why does God hate me? i have failed at being a human being.
why do I hate myself? i am a failure at living.
i stare. nothing appeases me.
i glare. nothing looks good to me.
my eyes want to jump out of my skull
and find another face to look at every day in the mirror.
i squint. nothing escapes me.
i catalog every facial deformity.
why does God hate me? he made me so ugly.
why do you hate me? i am a failure at loving you.
eclipse. darkness and shadows are my friend.
lack of lighting, angles, and photoshop
help me pretend that even i can be pretty.
nip that. tuck this. suck some fat out.
and let the bruises fade until i have a better face then this.
why does God hate me? can i hate him back?
why do I have me? Can I ever love myself the way I am?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Flawed
I am merely human.
I am riddled with flaws.
Inside and out they leave their mark.
My nose is scarred.
My freckles unevenly placed.
The more I look in the mirror,
The more I see how flawed I am.
I am an emotional being.
I am a vortex of contradictory decisions.
I leave my mark everywhere.
I cry suddenly with no provacation.
I get angry, explode, then laugh it off 5 seconds later.
The more I explore my inner mind,
The more I find how flawed I am.
My flaws bring me down to the basic level of humility.
These flaws make up the whole of me.
Each little piece doesn't explain enough about me.
Without being flawed I wouldn't be me.
I hate my flaws.
I love my flaws.
My flaws are who I am.
I am riddled with flaws.
Inside and out they leave their mark.
My nose is scarred.
My freckles unevenly placed.
The more I look in the mirror,
The more I see how flawed I am.
I am an emotional being.
I am a vortex of contradictory decisions.
I leave my mark everywhere.
I cry suddenly with no provacation.
I get angry, explode, then laugh it off 5 seconds later.
The more I explore my inner mind,
The more I find how flawed I am.
My flaws bring me down to the basic level of humility.
These flaws make up the whole of me.
Each little piece doesn't explain enough about me.
Without being flawed I wouldn't be me.
I hate my flaws.
I love my flaws.
My flaws are who I am.
Little Heart of Mine
Little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
You keep jumping into love without thinking first.
Every time you get broken you blame it on me.
Little heart of mine, I want to rip you out of me,
I want you to remember this pain.
Little heart of mine, please have mercy on me.
He says he loves us, but I don't believe him.
Can we pull back and take a break from this ride?
Little heart of mine, I'd like to throw you away
So I won't have to feel this pain.
Little heart of mine, I know you're hungry.
You desire the fire of love to feel alive.
I get tired of crying when we get burned.
Little heart of mine, can we make a truce?
And both of us can get relief from this pain.
Please little heart of mine,
I'm asking you oh so nicely;
I saw his smile too.
Oh, little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
You keep jumping into love without thinking first.
Every time you get broken you blame it on me.
Little heart of mine, I want to rip you out of me,
I want you to remember this pain.
Little heart of mine, please have mercy on me.
He says he loves us, but I don't believe him.
Can we pull back and take a break from this ride?
Little heart of mine, I'd like to throw you away
So I won't have to feel this pain.
Little heart of mine, I know you're hungry.
You desire the fire of love to feel alive.
I get tired of crying when we get burned.
Little heart of mine, can we make a truce?
And both of us can get relief from this pain.
Please little heart of mine,
I'm asking you oh so nicely;
I saw his smile too.
Oh, little heart of mine, what am I gonna do about you?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Fade to Black
You turn me inside out.
You fill me full of doubt.
You are the reason I can't make it out of bed.
I got to get you out of my head.
I see the sky.
I see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The thunder cracks and my whole life fades to black.
You tell me secrets to keep.
You love me until I weep.
You built me to be the woman you love,
But I don't love me.
How can that be?
I can see the sky.
I can see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The lightening strikes and my whole life fades to black.
You always have the answers.
You know me better then I know myself.
You order for me.
You dress me.
You tell me what I need.
But I want out before I fade to black
And there'd be no me to come back.
You fill me full of doubt.
You are the reason I can't make it out of bed.
I got to get you out of my head.
I see the sky.
I see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The thunder cracks and my whole life fades to black.
You tell me secrets to keep.
You love me until I weep.
You built me to be the woman you love,
But I don't love me.
How can that be?
I can see the sky.
I can see the clouds rolling by.
I see you.
The lightening strikes and my whole life fades to black.
You always have the answers.
You know me better then I know myself.
You order for me.
You dress me.
You tell me what I need.
But I want out before I fade to black
And there'd be no me to come back.
Depression Confession
I must confess I'm too damn depressed.
I want to be alone.
I don't care that you don't like it.
I can't hear myself think.
I just want to sleep.
Go Away!
Let me wallow in my misery.
Let me cling to my self-pity.
I got too much shit dragging me down.
I don't want you around.
I'm too damn depressed for company right now.
I swear you have to leave.
I won't be responsible for what you see.
I'm breaking down.
Every mistake and all my regrets have me cornered.
All the feelings I've supressed have taken over.
I confess I'm too damn depressed.
I'm no good to you.
You need to go.
I have to be alone.
My depression confession is a full blown tear driven storm.
I'm too damn depressed for you.
I want to be left alone.
Just me and my fear and
All the pictures from past happy years.
I want to be alone.
I don't care that you don't like it.
I can't hear myself think.
I just want to sleep.
Go Away!
Let me wallow in my misery.
Let me cling to my self-pity.
I got too much shit dragging me down.
I don't want you around.
I'm too damn depressed for company right now.
I swear you have to leave.
I won't be responsible for what you see.
I'm breaking down.
Every mistake and all my regrets have me cornered.
All the feelings I've supressed have taken over.
I confess I'm too damn depressed.
I'm no good to you.
You need to go.
I have to be alone.
My depression confession is a full blown tear driven storm.
I'm too damn depressed for you.
I want to be left alone.
Just me and my fear and
All the pictures from past happy years.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Smiley Face
I'm stepping outside of the lines.
I'm taking a chance and rolling the dice.
God don't let me die!
Disappointment is my second skin.
I stare at myself in the window pane.
My life's work left undone.
I burned out my retna's watching you shine.
Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.
Jealousy is green and
Depression is blue.
Anger is red and
Loving you is suicide black.
You advertise yourself larger then life.
But the actual size is a surprise.
I misread the directions.
And I poisoned myself with all your lies.
Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.
I've bent over backwards to kiss your ass.
I handed you my love in a Russian glass.
I looked up to the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
All I got was a sore neck.
I guess I should've expected that.
No you can't be replaced.
And I live with this disgrace.
But at least I'm still wearing my smiley face.
I'm taking a chance and rolling the dice.
God don't let me die!
Disappointment is my second skin.
I stare at myself in the window pane.
My life's work left undone.
I burned out my retna's watching you shine.
Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.
Jealousy is green and
Depression is blue.
Anger is red and
Loving you is suicide black.
You advertise yourself larger then life.
But the actual size is a surprise.
I misread the directions.
And I poisoned myself with all your lies.
Keep smiling until it hurts.
Keep smiling until it bleeds.
I wear a smiley face.
It keeps me in my place.
I watch what I say,
So my words won't get thrown back in my face.
I'm not happy,
But I can't erase my smiley face.
I've bent over backwards to kiss your ass.
I handed you my love in a Russian glass.
I looked up to the stars hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
All I got was a sore neck.
I guess I should've expected that.
No you can't be replaced.
And I live with this disgrace.
But at least I'm still wearing my smiley face.
Monkey on My Back
I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.
But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.
I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.
I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.
I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.
I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.
I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.
Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.
But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.
I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.
I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.
I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.
I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.
I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.
Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
When I was 14
When I was 14 they locked my mother away in a hospital's padded room.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.
I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.
When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.
Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.
I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.
When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.
Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.
Poison in The Air
The harder I cling to life
The slippery the slope becomes.
I'm never safe.
Not at home.
Not in bed.
I fall closer to hell with
Every breath I take.
The air is poison.
The sky is smothering me.
I hear noises when nothing's there.
My imagination works against me.
I'll never be a legend.
I'll be forgotten as soon as I'm gone.
Just rotting away in the ground.
The slippery the slope becomes.
I'm never safe.
Not at home.
Not in bed.
I fall closer to hell with
Every breath I take.
The air is poison.
The sky is smothering me.
I hear noises when nothing's there.
My imagination works against me.
I'll never be a legend.
I'll be forgotten as soon as I'm gone.
Just rotting away in the ground.
Cut Myself and Bleed
Why don't you bring me flowers?
I beg and plead.
I'm willing to cut myself and bleed,
just to see an emotion cross your face.
Good love is hard to find.
It's been hard to find someone to
Understand my twisted mind.
The only one I tried to love forever
Can't wait to leave.
All I wanted was some flowers.
I'm a mess.
I'm crazy.
I'm hard to get.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I get it.
We've been through all this before.
You never care when you're getting some.
It's all the other minutes in the day you can't handle me.
I sense your shut down.
Your walls are strong.
I'm so tired of trying to climb over them.
I want to tear you down,
Make you feel unworthy like you do to me..
I want you to want flowers.
I want you to beg and plead.
I want you to be willing to cut and bleed,
just to get me to show you an emotion.
I want you to love me.
I beg and plead.
I'm willing to cut myself and bleed,
just to see an emotion cross your face.
Good love is hard to find.
It's been hard to find someone to
Understand my twisted mind.
The only one I tried to love forever
Can't wait to leave.
All I wanted was some flowers.
I'm a mess.
I'm crazy.
I'm hard to get.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I get it.
We've been through all this before.
You never care when you're getting some.
It's all the other minutes in the day you can't handle me.
I sense your shut down.
Your walls are strong.
I'm so tired of trying to climb over them.
I want to tear you down,
Make you feel unworthy like you do to me..
I want you to want flowers.
I want you to beg and plead.
I want you to be willing to cut and bleed,
just to get me to show you an emotion.
I want you to love me.
Bag of Bones
I'm a bag of bones with folds of fat all around.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.
Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.
Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.
Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.
Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Breaking
Ah, the fog surrounds my car.
The fog invades my brain.
Thoughts fall into it's void
And I want to sleep all day.
I pull into the parking lot.
I got to back into a spot.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
It's these trivial things that get to me.
Everything around me is breaking.
The drying doesn't heat up.
The computer won't boot up.
My bank account is hitting zero.
Every around me is broken, even me now.
Ah, the caffiene isn't working.
My blood is sludge.
Thoughts won't form
And I want to fade away.
I sign into my laptop.
I got to get some work done.
The deadlines are approaching.
It's stress like this that gets to me.
Everything around me is breaking.
The cable is going in and out.
The car died in traffic.
My bills are overdue.
Every around me is broken, even me now.
The fog invades my brain.
Thoughts fall into it's void
And I want to sleep all day.
I pull into the parking lot.
I got to back into a spot.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
It's these trivial things that get to me.
Everything around me is breaking.
The drying doesn't heat up.
The computer won't boot up.
My bank account is hitting zero.
Every around me is broken, even me now.
Ah, the caffiene isn't working.
My blood is sludge.
Thoughts won't form
And I want to fade away.
I sign into my laptop.
I got to get some work done.
The deadlines are approaching.
It's stress like this that gets to me.
Everything around me is breaking.
The cable is going in and out.
The car died in traffic.
My bills are overdue.
Every around me is broken, even me now.
This Winter
This winter is freezing me outside to in.
Hope cannot blossom under these persistant grey skies.
I try to find a smile inside of my soul,
but it's buried under several feet of snow.
It's impossible to discover joy when you can't stand up on ice.
This winter knows it brings death.
The flowers are dead. The grass has wilted.
The blue skies have disappeared.
The usual peace I find in the solemn white landscape
has been lost under inches of ice.
I'm not sure what I like anymore.
What used to make me laugh,
now just makes me sad.
I feel the strain of my beating heart.
My weight crushing me to death inside to out.
This winter has been painful.
The cold clings to me.
The wind tears through me.
I find myself curling up and
never wanting to leave my bed.
This winter seems endless.
The signs of spring are too far away to bring me comfort.
I used to want winter to stay.
But all I think about now is how much I miss the sun.
Darkness is in the sky and in my thoughts.
Contradictions are running wild inside of me.
Is there a storm of depression brewing in me?
I don't know if I can survive another one.
To be turned upside down again,
to feel my insides wanting out again.
This winter has eclipsed all expectations.
I had the calm, now it's all undone.
The snowflakes fall & each one makes me anxious.
All of it piles up around me,
I'm scared it will bury me.
This winter drapes the hills in the distance.
It all seems ominous to me now.
I want to runaway,
to somewhere that winter's icy grip cannont reach me.
Hope cannot blossom under these persistant grey skies.
I try to find a smile inside of my soul,
but it's buried under several feet of snow.
It's impossible to discover joy when you can't stand up on ice.
This winter knows it brings death.
The flowers are dead. The grass has wilted.
The blue skies have disappeared.
The usual peace I find in the solemn white landscape
has been lost under inches of ice.
I'm not sure what I like anymore.
What used to make me laugh,
now just makes me sad.
I feel the strain of my beating heart.
My weight crushing me to death inside to out.
This winter has been painful.
The cold clings to me.
The wind tears through me.
I find myself curling up and
never wanting to leave my bed.
This winter seems endless.
The signs of spring are too far away to bring me comfort.
I used to want winter to stay.
But all I think about now is how much I miss the sun.
Darkness is in the sky and in my thoughts.
Contradictions are running wild inside of me.
Is there a storm of depression brewing in me?
I don't know if I can survive another one.
To be turned upside down again,
to feel my insides wanting out again.
This winter has eclipsed all expectations.
I had the calm, now it's all undone.
The snowflakes fall & each one makes me anxious.
All of it piles up around me,
I'm scared it will bury me.
This winter drapes the hills in the distance.
It all seems ominous to me now.
I want to runaway,
to somewhere that winter's icy grip cannont reach me.
Happy Is Gone
Stuck on what could have been;
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.
Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.
I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.
Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.
I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?
I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.
listening to the voices in my head
whispering my to be happy is gone.
Turning and tossing, no, tossing and turning
all alone in my queen size bed;
there's barely enough room for the dog.
I dream about the past, the mistakes I made.
The decisions I regret, and the man not taken.
If all I need is love then I have nothing at all.
Sad songs playing on my ipod;
I listen for an answer, some way to cure me
from this depression i am in.
I can't shake the sadness, I can't get it right.
If I write it all down and burn it
will I be purged of these bad thoughts that
keep shouting my happy is gone?
I wonder about him. And I dream about him.
My latest obsession, so I can avoid
the fact I'm alone with no one to hold.
If all I need is faith then I have nothing left at all.
Consumer
I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.
I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.
I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.
I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.
I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Snowy Sky
I look outside
Up to the snowy sky
The big fat snowflakes
Erase the curves of the landscape.
The cold burns
My throat as I breathe
In then out
Hoping to escape the freeze.
The dog runs around
Joy in her eyes
Mine are downcast
Happiness is not easy for me.
I pull up my collar
Try to protect myself
From the brutal blizzard
Of gray and gloom.
I look up to
The snowy sky
And I wonder
Will i survive this winter?
Up to the snowy sky
The big fat snowflakes
Erase the curves of the landscape.
The cold burns
My throat as I breathe
In then out
Hoping to escape the freeze.
The dog runs around
Joy in her eyes
Mine are downcast
Happiness is not easy for me.
I pull up my collar
Try to protect myself
From the brutal blizzard
Of gray and gloom.
I look up to
The snowy sky
And I wonder
Will i survive this winter?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Pressure
I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.
I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.
I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.
I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.
I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.
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