There You Are

i need some direction.
i need a little love and protection.
i need to fall into your arms.
that's where i belong.
i felt you in my heart.
the distance doesn't factor.
you're imprinted on my soul,
with you so far away,
i'm constantly in pain.

i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.
the smile, the blue eyes, the crooked teeth.
the laughter you give me.
the look that tells me you need me.
i just close my eyes and there you are.
if i could i'd lie here all day,
just to avoid the pain.

i need to hear you are okay.
i need reminded that you're mine.
i need some reassurances you feel the same.
i need your lips on mine,
that's where they belong.
i felt the heat in your touch.
every mile we're apart disappears when i dwell upon these thoughts.
your memory steadies me.
without you near i feel like i'm going insane.

so i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.

Embrace God

the sun has set on my creativity.
my thoughts are like a ceiling fan, they spin and spin.
it always sounds better in my head.
i don't move, why bother,
by the time i get what i need,
i'll forget why i wanted it.

i'm down on myself again.
he hates when i do that,
but i can't control it.
it's like an invisible hand takes
command and my brain shifts to depressed.

there's a shitload of pills on the market.
but i don't want to be addicted.
i don't want to be dependent.
i want to live just the way i am.
to fix me, only feels like you're breaking me.
it hurts to have someone tell you you're crazy.
even when i know they aren't wrong.

these days the world's tilting more to the left.
i am trying to control who orbits around my planet.
i think you've succumb to my gravitational pull.
i want us to supernova.
my love for you can kill you.

my senses are alive with pain.
the nerves are sending agony to my brain.
all my neurons fire at once.
i'm cascading into a firestorm of chaotic thought.
i want to take a knife and cut my soul out of my flesh.
i can smell the blood of my release.

none of this flows together.
if you seek logic you should read elsewhere.
my journey has an expiration date.
one day i'll embrace God.
But for now i'll just get drunk on Strongbow!

The Mystery

I bring you up to heaven with my touch.
I can take you down to hell with one word.
I leave you wondering why.
You go through cards and letters trying to solve
the mystery i left behind.
you read my emails searching for answer i refused to give to you.
i don't have to tell you why.
not this time.

it hurts so much and it says so.
little i give you to ease the pain.
i leave you baffled, full of questions.
it bothers you all the time.
you can't get me off your mind.
the unanswered questions naw away at you.
in phone calls you beg me for release,
but i won't every tell you why.
not this time.

i left the dots behind.
you have to connect them on your own.
i won't tell you why, no, i won't.
you go ahead and cry.
too often i led you where you wanted to go.
but now you got to get there on your own.
i won't tell you why.
not this time.

Just You and Just Me, Alone

lay with me, play with me, chase me around the old oak tree.
we'll fall to the ground and pretend no one is around.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no pretenses and disguises, just you and me, undivided.

we are in love and happy to be you and me.
stay with me, run away with me.
we'll fly to the beach and walk in the sand.
we can hold each other's hands.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no pressure or schedules to keep, just you and me, as one.

we are stronger together and the whole is better.
forget your troubles and erase your past.
we'll steal a car and drive real fast.
we'll hide away from the world.
it'll be just you and just me, alone.
no phone or t.v.'s, just you and me, undistracted.

the two of us make it the best of us.
we're so perfect together.
let's never change or be apart.
forever our names will be entwined in history.
let it be said we were just being you and just being me, alone.
no lies, no secrets, and no promises unkept, just you and me, satisfied.

Ashamed

i couldn't think and i couldn't sleep,
so i did what i could and i sat down to weep.
i cried for all the years of pain.
every tear filled with my agony.
i cried for all the times i let time get away from me.
like a fool, i swore i could turn the tide,
but here i am years on down the road
and i am the same, completely, unchanged.

i'm so ashamed.
a victim of self-help fads.
i helped myself into a pit of pity.
i'm sorry for what i didn't do,
but redemption is empty when the pain's already been dealt.
i'm so ashamed.

my whole life has been about who i could be,
but i never took the time to see who i am.
i stumble on blind.
i look in the mirror without any recognition.
i let it all go.
i let my standards slide.
i don't know anything anymore.
i'm right back to where i was when i was born.
i'm raw and naked and undeveloped.

and ashamed of myself, so ashamed of everything
i did and all that i could've have done to make
life better, but didn't do because of fear.

Spoon Feed Me

hopeless romantic, i am,
but all you see is a sentimental fool.
i had thought time would change your mind,
but time is running into your defenses.
no words that i can say will ever be enough
to turn your head my way.
my only card to play would be to help you
out of financial ruin,
ironic, because i'm broke myself.

tonight i don't want to fight.
i'd love for you to hold me tight.
i know your love is an illusion
that i covet more then gold.
bring me my dreams and spoon feed them to me,
lay on a silver platter so you can serve me.

optimistic dreamer i am,
but all you hear is a nonsensical believer.
i imagined us together living happily ever after,
but you're halfway out the door.
there's no action i can take to persuade you to stay.
the only card i have left in my hand is the one i'm afraid to play.
ironic, because when i'm with you i feel fearless.

My Plan

i'm okay, i have a plan.
i'm not sure how to get what i want.
especially since you don't want me in return.

discord is emotionally scarring,
but i need startled out of my rut.
you found some buttons on me to push.
i found a man i can't resist.

hang around and be myself,
that's my plan, simple and true.
but it's all i have to give you.
i'm on my knees hoping to please.

with the simple motions of my hand,
i can send you spinning,
it empowers me to give to you.
i am enjoying you all over.

Fleas

the weekend revealed to me your melancholy mood.
my gift to you has fleas
and he pees everywhere.
but he was your wish and i love being a genie for you.

we went to a movie.
we shared a meal.
you were distant,
but i didn't care.

the first night we laid together without getting laid.
it was different.
you thought it was refreshing and
i am concerned.

i tried to be me like usual.
but i think you picked up on the undercurrents.
you drifted off not dreaming of me
and i'm thinking there's trouble ahead.

this time you stayed 2 nights in a row.
it's progress, but it's slow.
you have so much on your mind.
you need to see how much you offer
and know i want everything you have to give.

Missing You Today

i'm missing you today.
like the echo of my voice,
i wish you'd come back.
my heart aches when i watch you move,
technology brings you back,
like a ghost I can't touch
the screen breathes life back into your memory.
i can remember the last time I heard your voice,
you told me you loved me and i said i love you too.
they wheeled you away to recovery,
but you never made it to tomorrow.
no you never made it out of the hospital.

i miss you today.
more then i have in years.
time takes away the pain,
until you see something that reminds you.
it's hard to be here without you.
i wonder who got the short end of the stick.
you aren't suffering and i'll i do is hurt.
i want to be free of this earthly plain,
but i'm not given up, that's God's plan,
i'm not superior enough to think i can decide
if i should live or die.
i wish you could tell me to snap out of it.
you always spoke up and told me like it is.
i thought i'd lost that, but i have him now.

i miss you today.
i think you'd like him better then me.
he keeps me in check, telling me when i'm crazy
he laughs at me when i'm silly
and he tells me what i need to hear
the truth rolls from his tongue and it's sweeter then sugar bombs.
you'd think it's about time, why did it take me so long.
you just wanted perfection for your little girl,
but i never measured up, but you loved me anyways.
i wanted to be more and i would give away the world
if i could just see your smile one more time.

i miss you today.
christmas plays emotional games on me.
i can't stop crying.
i wish i could go see you in some time warp.
a video is not enough.

Look a Penny

what was i doing?
where was i going?
i hate when i do that!
my train of thought jumped the tracks
and it ain't coming back.

when did i become the forgetful one?
i think my brain is rotting.
the knowledge is disappearing.
my life is going to fade away
and no one will remember me.

sadness plays me like a violin.
sheltered from reality,
i want to fly south
and keep myself locked away,
before i hurt the ones i love.

my tears drop into my bubble bath.
the cherry blossom scent masks the smell of my disappointment.
i try not to stutter.
i know my reaction was stunted,
but i was caught off guard.
i don't know how to respond when you tear me down in one breath,
then compliment me in your next.

my brain doesn't fire rounds as quickly as your mouth does.
the trigger sticks and is hard to pull like molasses.
the cold has me confused,
there i go and use the wrong words with you again.
i want to hoard you in my bedroom,
seal you in behind the clutter of my love.

what was i doing?
what point was i trying to make?
i started this then stopped;
it's been an hour since i first had this thought.
all is lost to time's unrentless march.
oh, look a penny, it's so shiny!

Zygote

wow, 2 off hand comments in 1 call leave me reeling and discombobulated.
i had hoped we were moving forward, but i see now we've been twirling around in circles on the dance floor of our friendship.

i'm not little and my uterus isn't good enough for your zygote!

ther's not much i can do.
i'll never be her.
and i realize now you aren't letting her go.
so i'm the back up, 2nd place,
not even a qualified replacement for you.
you're still looking to date.
i'm not even registering as a potential mate.
i give up.
she wins.

i'm shutting down my attachment to you.
i no longer want to please you.
i don't want to see you.
but i will.

why? because i'm in love with you.
and to have some of you is better then none of you.
i'm coming to a crossroads here,
and i don't know which way to turn.

do i stick with the status quo?
or rock the boat?
do i make a demand?
or attempt to manipulate you?
i don't know what i want or need anymore.

and there's not much i can do.
but hang around and see if in time you end up wanting me.

Tuesdays Depress Me

it's hard to belong to you, when you waiver.
my hopes rise and die on your behavior.
the adjectives fail to describe you.

the soldiers around my heart surrendered
you took my white flag to sail away
another lover torn asunder
one more tale for you to tell

drums beating
ears ringing
a cold wind whistling
my breathing visible
the air falling
my heart breaking
guns, guns, guns

it's why i don't cry anymore
your betrayal conquered my soul
my faith in humanity died with yours
the verbs aren't enought to finish you

the bars around my being are absolute
i literally too your heart as my possession
another lover torn apart
one more headstone to pass in the park

Chasing Love

You make me feel convenient and insignificant.
If it wasn’t me you were talking to right now, you’d just find someone else.
I don’t soothe your soul.
I am a boost to your ego.
The longer I play this game the more it hurts me.
The damages are racking up.
Soon, I will not be able to pay the bill.
Then what will I be able to give you?

Your words are unintended, thoughtless, and careless.
I gather them up and store them in my head.
I pick them apart, knowing, you don’t realize what you said.
It’s the off handed remarks that truly reveal how you feel about me.
And the news isn’t good.

I am a toy.
I am a sexual distraction.
You try to compliment me, but it makes me feel worse.
I don’t see how I can leave you unscathed at this point.
Your eyes will never see that I can be what you need.
I will never fill the void she left inside of you.

You tell me not to try.
You tell me it’s not like I think.
That we are okay just the way it is.
So why am I craving so much more?

I try to make it about sex.
I am working hard to become detached.
I try to tune out my sub-conscience.
But you won’t take what I want to give,
And you won’t feed me what I crave.
This impasse will be the death of us.
And I have to laugh, because according to you, there is no us to die.

I am overstepping my boundaries.
I am overstaying my welcome.
And if I push to the point you break,
You will push back until I cave.
You are the stronger personality.

I am weak. I am wrong.
I am the first one to walk.
I don’t want to tell you how I feel anymore.
I don’t want to get tied up in your words.
I am not confused.
I am not angry.
I am disappointed in me and in you.

Fire dances around us.
The moon is full and bright.
The signs tell us we could be strong.
I could be the one to love you forever and always.
Beloved and adored, I could be yours.
I know why you don’t want me.
I blame my lack of good timing.
I am always chasing after love, but it never chases me.
No one ever chases me.

Death is Black

sadness creeps into my soul
as the cold chills my bones.
life swirls around me
in colors of the christmas season.
they sparkle and shine
but all i feel is remorse.

the past dangles regrets in front of me.
i begin to get tangled up
in daydreams of what could have beens.
the ghosts dance circles in my mind.
they softly chime,
come join us, this is the time.

death is black.
and birth is pink.
in the middle of them i've lost perspective.
i'm the one that is forgetting.
i'm the one that can't let go.
my shoulders ache from this load.
how many more years must i suffer
the pain of another christmas without you?

What I Wanted

right now with snow on the ground,
i'm wondering if you miss me.
happiness is as fleeting as these snow flurries.
and i'm afraid your affections will cool.
now that i've tasted you,
i fear no other man will be as good.

i think about you with every breath.
i try to relax. i know you're hurt.
but i count down the minutes
until i can feel your warmth.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

right now with the heat cranked up to 80,
i'm wondering if you love me.
lonliness is anxiously waiting for you to leave,
but i don't ever want to be without you.
now that i've held you,
i fear no other man will do.

i dream about you every night.
i try to be cool. i know you're easy to spook.
but i'm like a kid on christmas eve,
i can't wait to wake up to see you the next morning,
but i'm too excited to sleep.
you're all the man i need.
and you're the man i've always wanted.

Christmas be good to me.
Santa bring me his love.
and it'll be the gift that never fades.
He's all the man I need.
and He's the man I've always wanted.

A Badly Written Sonnet For You

Dearest friend of mine, I wrestle with my heart.
My thoughts have become entwined with yours.
The closer we become the more I fear we'll fall apart.
You've snuck through all my defenses to my core.

Alone, I struggled in the world for so long.
My hopes had faded until sorrow ruled.
But you found me here, like a song,
I began to feel chords long subdued.

Your smile and laughter are music to my soul.
Just as I had forgotten how to love,
Your honest words filled my emotional holes.
Crazy as it sound, you fit me like a glove.

My beloved man, take me by my hand.
Together, we click, certain to never disband.

Crumbs

crumbs on my sweater make me laugh.
age hasn't made me any neater.
i'm clumsy and weak.
you'd never believe all of my stories.
the times i have just fallen over
or the black eye i got from a carton of ice cream.

i'm packing up my emotional baggage
it's going on vacation.
somewhere nice, so it can relax.
it's been burned out for a long time.
i'm gonna miss it, but not the bitterness that went with it.

crumbs on the desk make me smile.
i'm always making a mess.
i'm content and fat.
you'd never guess i'm germ-a-phobic.
the way i avoid public restrooms
and won't eat at a buffet.

i'm discarding my mental defects.
they're going to retire.
somewhere far away from here,
so they can't come back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna worry about them anymore.

crumbs all over the place.
it's just who i am.
so much more then how i eat.
i need to give myself a break.
i need to leave crumbs,
so i can always find my way back.