Too Young to Feel so Old

I feel so much older since I last saw this place. The memories have begun to fade. Once upon a time was just a dream. I think I should go. I’m too young to feel so old. My heart is rotting from neglect. I’m hunched over walking alone. I’m too young to feel so old. I feel empty. Hollow inside. I can hear the laughter echo. I shiver and I want to hide. I don’t belong here anymore. I think I should go. I’m too young to feel so old. What I used to feel was so real. Now I mimic what should be there. I don’t know where all my emotions went. I’m walking along remembering I used to be happy. That wasn’t so long ago. I should go. The past is hurting me. I should go. I’m too young to feel so old.

Why O Why?

I’ve lost my focus. My inspiration is gone. My muse abandoned me. I’ve been used and now I’m discarded and bruised. I don’t know what to do. I watch the minutes go by as my fears start coming down mixed within my tears. I’m so petrified at the years I’ve wasted. I fooled myself into believing you meant me no harm. You stranded me. You threw me out of your arms and I hit the dirt hard. It knocked me out cold. I came to and you were long gone. There was nothing I could do. I held my head in my hands amazed at my own stupidity. You said we’d always be friends, but now I’m sitting here alone and I can see I got the short end of the stick, again.

Why O Why did you lie and leave me all alone when you knew that I loved you? Why O Why did you lie, make me cry, and swear to make you miserable? Why O Why can’t I let you go? I want to hunt you down and destroy you. Why O Why did you lie?

You set the stage perfectly. Every performance you gave me was academy worthy. The bate was on your hooks and you reeled me in every time. I was eating up every word you said. I had your bull shit with the fine wine. You left me blind. I didn’t see the punch coming. You took every one of my dimes. You said there was no crime. You conned me legally. I even felt guilty to accuse you. You made me think I was the problem. You sold your shit so well, because I bought all of it. I had pictures of you all over my place which just got foreclosed on today. I tried to look you up to bitch you out, but you don’t exist anymore. You disappeared along with my money. Damn it, you must think you are home free. Bet you already forgot about me. I’ve got a purpose now. It’s to find your sorry ass and take my money’s worth out of it.

Why O Why did you lie?

The Show

I’m just watching the show. I’m taking in all the sites and sounds. I’m lost in the crowd. Nobody knows I’m here. I watch them walk on by. The amazing parade of life. I’m an on-looker. Don’t get close. You’ll block my view. I don’t want to feel. I’m just watching the show! Pass the popcorn. Give me the chips. Get me a soda. I can’t get up I might miss it. Life is my favorite show. I never know what’s going to happen next. Now move. I see an impending event. Leave me alone. I want to just watch the show! Leave me alone. I’m just watching the show. I like being alone in the dark with my remote control. Go away! Let me watch the show.

I am Shattered

You take little pieces of me and if you put them together you'll see there are some pieces missing out of me. I am shattered. I've been torn and scattered. I don't add up to a whole person anymore. I am shattered.

I've given so much of me to you, I don't have all it takes to be myself anymore. I am shattered. I've been broken and discarded. I have ripped corners and lost pieces. I don't know where to look to find me anymore. I am shattered.

I've been tossed aside and pushed down. I got tape wrapped around my heart. I am shattered. There's glue oozing out of my soul. I can't fix myself anymore. I am shattered.

I tried too hard to pretend I didn't need my own identity. I was shallow. I am shattered. I was a cookie cutter image of your fantasy woman. I wasn't real. You weren't satisfied. I am shattered.

You said I had no depth. You wanted a woman that was more than your projection. I had no character. I am shattered. I was purely fiction. You left and my glass world shattered. I am shattered.

I surrounded myself with lies. I dressed up in a pretty disguise. I never considered you'd get tired of your own creation. I am shattered. I didn't have to think. I just asked how high? I didn't need to wonder. I just gave you what you wanted. I am shattered.

I even hid from myself. Who needs personality when you are wearing a huge diamond ring? Now I know I am not what you want anymore. I am shattered. I am only physically pleasing to you. I lack intellectual appeal. I am shattered.

You took a walk and I tried to talk and open up to you. You pulled back the veil on your painting and discovered a blob of nothing. I hadn't developed any interests therefore I'm not interesting enough for you. I am shattered. I just repeated what ever you'd say. If you liked something then I'd like it too. I don't know what I don't like. I am shattered.

I am just a shadow in heels. You finally saw a completed picture. And you left me. I am shattered. I threw the glass world you gave me at your back and it shattered. What is up is down and what is down is up. I don't know what to wear anymore because you haven't picked it out. I am shattered.

I am confused. I am naked. I am battered. I am shaken. I am raw. I am exposed. I am cold. I am alone. I can't think. I am overwhelmed. I am shattered. And finally I can live because now I'm shattered.

Pander to Me

Cookies, cakes, brownies and pies are all the things I love
Chocolate, Dr. Pepper, donuts and ice cream are all the things I crave.
Mac and cheese, cheesy fries, cheese coneys, and a big bacon classic with cheese are all the things that go straight to my hips.
These lips of mine keep sinking me deeper into this quagmire of fat.
I’m stuck in a vicious calorie cycle. Gluttony for one coming up.

I want my baby back, baby back ribs.
Where’s the beef?
Hershey’s is happiness?
B O L O G N A?
Be you, do what you do!!!

I hear it everyday. I see it everywhere. Pander to me. Pander to me.

Sell me what I don’t need.
Brainwash me to believe I have to caress before I dress.
And that calgon will take it all away.
Credit cards are the way to pay.
Yes, yes, it’s the American way.

Pander to me. Pander to me. Pander to me. I like it that way.

Everything is Still the Same

Life keeps kicking me in the ass. I never get enough to catch up, let alone, get ahead. I just paid Peter and Paul’s knocking on my door. My tax return was bogus, not enough to keep the lights on. I got doubled taxed while the rich man got richer. Wyoming sounds nice let’s go there to abandon all material possessions. We can live off the land. No, I forget Ted Turner and Hollywood bought all the land up there.

I’ll just dig my hole here and bury myself up to my hair. I’ll pretend to ignore the world and they will forget about me. You’ll see. One more working schmoe gone, but so many 1,000’s willing to work on. You can’t see me, you only see my hair. And I don’t care. Nope, I don’t care. Now I’m sitting on the toilet thinking about my lack of opportunities. Wondering if I can buy more toilet paper, pay the rent, and buy groceries. Electricity is important in sub-freezing weather. Having a car is required to go to work when there’s no subway.

I’m caught between broke and necessity. How do I pick which bill to pay when all are important? I get so frustrated. Crime is tempting. I swear I would be clever, but not today. Everything is still the same.

Top of the World

I went to the top of the world. I looked around. Then I turned you down. How do I get ahead by sleeping around? No thank you. I’ve done been down that route. I got one path calling to me, it’s the one where I be myself. It’s rocky and I fall a lot. I get scraped and bruised and I learn a little bit at a time. But I keep climbing on it finding my own way back to the top of the world just being me.

Sacrifice unselfishly to do it my way. I can’t compromise this time. I look stupid from where you’re sitting. But the world’s mine for the first time it’s working for me. I can see a future clear as day. I got a plan it’s one day at a time. I do what needs to be done. Along the way I found someone. I was hiding behind your shadow afraid to bask in the sun. I’ll pass the flask of freedom on. I got enough to keep me strong. I’ll reach my goals just being me.

I’m free and wild. I’m confused and smiling. I’m looking towards the horizon hoping my dreams come true just being me. I don’t know who else I can be. I may not always like me but I know me and one day I’ll see it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all good but I got there doing things my way. What’s wrong with being me? I’m finally free. My façade is crashing down. It feels so good to let it all hang out. Pretending for you was wearing me out. I was forgetting my beliefs. I was losing my dreams. I am clawing my way back from the cliff. I see me, it’s been too long. You had me all wrong.

I’m the one that got lost. But now it’s better. I walked out on my own terms. I tore apart the chains you had me in. I will succeed or I will fail but I will do it just by being myself. All I can ever be is me.

Crossing Over

I’m crossing over to you. I’m crossing over to get through. You’ll never know what I’ve had to do to cross over to you. Years keep flying by. Everyday is just like the other. Time is slipping through my fingers. I’m losing you. I don’t know what to do. Fate’s a cruel prankster. I thought we had it made. But maybe we weren’t meant to be. I’m making one last attempt to show you what you mean to me.

Bridges get burned and heart’s get broken all the time. Our situation is nothing new, but I’m not giving up hope. I want to save us. I want to keep us in love. Show the world a happy couple can survive today. I want you to realize were made of stronger ties. Love binds us for all time. I’m rebuilding that bridge one brick at a time.

Tell me you still believe in miracles. Let me see that sparkle in your eye. Fires can rekindled. Our love is true. Let me convince you I’m for real. I’ll cross any barrier just to be with you.

Bad Day

I’m having a bad day
Just go away
Leave me be to my insanity
Society has crushed my self – esteem
Every magazine I read says
I shouldn’t look like me
Every TV show I see
Is telling me I shouldn’t act like me
When did being me get to be so wrong
Where did being an individual get gonged
You want the pretty face
The perfect body
The woman to match every hottie on MTV you see
But that ain’t me
I’m curvy, bubbly, and lovable
Cute, cuddly, and huggable
But I don’t match
I don’t wear watches and rings
I’m not pretty enough for you anyways
Every one knows what is in
But what’s in isn’t who I am
I do what I like
And wear what feels good
That just being me
What I wear isn’t in the fashion zines
It’s not being catwalked in Milan
It’s just sweats, shorts, and jeans
T-shirts and nail polish
What’s a woman got to do
To get a man to see what’s true
Every day woman don’t have a stylist
I am just lucky to get my hair to lay flat
Society has wrecked my chances
I am too far outside the norm
When will you recognize
A woman like me is perfect for a man like you?

Clocks

Tick Tock, Tick Tock
I hear the clock.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Biological Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Alarm Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Cuckoo Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Grandfather Clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Go the clocks of my life
Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

The Music in My Head

Dancing to the music
The music ONLY I can hear
I sway and spin
My head in my hands
Just being me
Whatever that’s for
Whoever that is
Just being me
And living
And breathing

Spilling my woes
In the nearest sympathetic ear
Words pour out
Cluttered
Unorganized
No one knows how it goes
Inside my head is an empty dread
The mystery no one wants solved
I feel so unwanted
I am NOT needed

Guilty as charged
I screwed up again
It wouldn’t be a day
Without say Oops for me
So here it goes
Don’t exactly know
What’s up from down
But I try
That’s better than some

Lord, Love Me

Sorrow, hurt, anger, betrayal
Downcast eyes lifted toward starry skies
Lord, have I been that bad?
I feel like I am going to die.
Lord, have I been that off course?
I feel your wrath upon my bones.

Lost, disillusioned, confused, bitter
Hands clasped in prayer
Lord, just comfort this wayward child.
Eyes closed and knees bent
Lord, please take away the pain.
I feel your warmth upon my soul.

The physical world limits me
The faith of my God eludes me
Escape with me
Escape to nothingness
Empty sky of blue nothingness

Hungry, malnutritioned, scared, crying
Lord, sustain me.
I will be your servant night and day
Thoughts cleaned and pure
Ready to listen
Lord, let your spirit fill me.
I don’t want to be hollow anymore
I want to know
Your love, your warmth
Lord, guide me
Lord, love me.

Ain't Got Me

You’re always scheming. Trying to score. You’re always shaking cause you need more. You cook up lies and spread them thin. You want it all but you can’t win. You’re all about the deal. You’re after the gold. You’ll show me the world but so far I’ve only seen your bedroom. And it all starts there. And it all ends there.

I don’t know you. You’re not who you say. You change your self daily. I can’t love a moving target. Settle down baby. Settle down honey. Stay still awhile and we can be together. You got every angle covered. Your stories are memorized. The games are a rush. Your fuel is the cover up. You push the rules around to suit you. It’s all about what you can get away with, but you lost my heart. Take the risk. Roll the dice. You could win something nice. It’s half price. All you can drink. The buffet is free. But you ain’t got me. No baby you ain’t got me.

I'm Broken

Why do I bother to explore my soul when I know there’s nothing there to find? I’ve searched it a million times hoping I’d see the person I’m supposed to be. But here I am, again, lost, lonely, and confused. It’s what I do. I see who I want, but I know he’s not mine to have. It’s just how my life goes. I really like you, but you don’t even know who I am. Love is lost. It’ll never find me. I’ve been forbidden to touch you. I have waited so long to hold you. What I can’t hide is the love I have for you inside. But I know you don’t care. I’ll just go now. Tuck the torn pieces of my heart away. My soul is lonely and cold without you. But that’s just the way my life goes. I fall in love with a man I can’t have. I’m not in here anymore. I’ve detached myself from the pain. Being dumped isn’t the same when you never went out. I keep thinking love should be right here in my heart, but it’s not, I’m broken. Don’t know what can fix this? Vodka? Pills? Patty Griffin? Sylvia Plath? Offspring?

So What!

So what? I’m here and I’m telling you I don’t care that you love her. You are listing all the traits that make her perfect. She’s sure got you being talkative. She’s smart. So am I. She’s pretty. Aren’t I? She’s everything you ever dreamed of in a woman. And what was I to you? Some toy until someone better came along? So what? I’m happy for you. It’s great you found someone new. Yada, Yada, yada! Can I go now? I got something in my eye. It’s been nice talking to you. Goodbye.

I tell myself so what. It doesn’t matter I’ve been dumped. I got to move. I console myself easily. He wasn’t that great. I was the one biding my time. There’s better fish in the sea. I’ll find someone who’ll love me until the end. A guy that’s nice and funny and hot too. It’s no big deal. He left me a long time ago and I was just too scared to let him go. I won’t let him do this to me. I’ve whipped out my self-help books. He’s her problem now. I am on the mend. So what? He wasn’t the best lover I’ve ever had. So what? I wasted a couple of years. I still have time. So what? I’m not going to cry.

Go on and be with her. You don’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. So what.

Thank You

Appearances can be deceiving. I’m more confused than you know. There’s something missing but I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. I have to hide it away in my mind. I promised I wouldn’t tell. I’ll die before it passes through my lips. Your confessions left me caught influx. Lies are hard to say, words trip and get mixed around. I don’t want to let you down, but it’s hurting me to know how it’s been hurting you. Thank you.

You trust me. You hold me above the crowd. I’m your confidant. The secrets you hide with me are safe. I’m your neutral ground. I’m your haven in the storm. I won’t betray your trust. I won’t let you down. Your so put together. Your lines are well rehearsed. You act the part so well even I didn’t know your pain beneath the surface. You swore me to secrecy. You looked into my eyes and unburdened your soul to me. A greater gift I’ve never known. Thank you.

My

my days are full of challenges
i struggle to keep up to the robots
that surround me and never give up
i need rest, sustance, and levity
they only need more of the same
i think i've been chained to my desk
and like a dog i'm going crazy pacing
back and forth always in the same path

my nights are full of emptiness
the fans whirl making some noise
i don't, i just sit and stare
at the computer screen, a little
better then the one i spent all
day staring at, but the same
thing, i don't have anything better
to do, like a penny stuck in the bottom
of a purse, i never get used.

my heart is worn out
i used it to death
it's thread bare and down
to it's last breathe
i'm not sure which will
break down first my heart
or my car, i think it's a close call

my mind is a leaky faucet
i tighten the taps but there's still
a constant drip of knowledge falling
out. one day i'll awake to find
i've forgotten my own name
but can tell you my favorite tv show

my soul is seldom used
it would love to see some abuse
it languishes around
occasionally buzzing me to see
if i'm still alive
it's like that gnat you keep
swatting at but never flies away
someday i'll need it to pray

my body ... well let's skip that
there's too much wrong with it
to list them here would make
this a million pages long
i'm working hard to get better
but damn i love chocolate and cheese
chocolate cheesecake, yummy

When I Go

i find time to do nothing
i look around for something i can't remember what
you think i linger too much
on heartache and sorrow
you find me repeative and boring
i wish i could be as articulate as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into that nothingness you insist is
our destination
we just die. no heaven. no hell.
just leave behind our empty shell to cease
i'll find out when you do
cuz when i go i'll take you with me

i am a liar
i am less of a person
and more of a sorry excuse
you think i should go out and live
you say i need to embrace the day
i wish i could be as brave as you
when i go i'll remember to take you with me
into the hole 6 feet down into the cold
rotting flesh of the dead
we just die. no spirit world. no afterlife.
just bodies turning back into dirt
i'll make sure we can both know the truth
cuz when i go i'm taking you with me

when i see the light
i hope you don't
when i hear the angels sing
i hope you hear the devil's laughter
when you and i don't believe the same
and nothing i say persuades you
there's only one thing i can do
when i die i'm taking you with me
so i can say i told u so...

So Me

so lonely
so depressed
so repressed

my urges want filled
my defenses are crumbling
my weaknesses growing

so doubtful
so fearful
so bashful

my demons are circling
my reasoning melting
my surrender on the way

so burnt
so scarred
so twisted

my heart crys blood
my soul tears
my own fears surround me

so detached
so selfish
so cold

my mortality shrinking
my essence seeping out
my tears never stop

so lost
so confused
so me

The Way

what's on my mind i can't find. all these lonely nights wash away my humanity. i've ceased to live. i am narrow. i am closed. i am exiled. and it's only marginally self-imposed.

the way my eyes see you everywhere. the way i hear your voice distantly through the air. the way i wanted a good life with you but only the bad remains.

i've dug a pit of pity deeper then i've ever known. i sink lower into it's depths with every sunset. people think i'm transparent but only i know i'm a brick wall lined with lead. not even superman can see how broken i am.

the way my dreams revolve around you. the way my heart skips a beat when i look at a picture of you. the way i had it all, a brief taste of heaven but now hell is where i live.

it's funny how the world collapses in on you. one day you're up and the next you're upside down. i built hopes to dizzying heights & when i fell, i fell so hard i shattered into nothingness.

the way your eyes danced when you laughed at me. the way i adored your hands and the magic they had against my skin. the way i hid to survive, but it's taking me longer then i guessed to get over you.

the way i once knew is all a story to tell that begins once upon a time i was in love and now i'm not and that's just the way it is.

Where's the Duct Tape?

it's happening again, my mouth is running faster then my brain, and i'm hemorrhaging stupidity out with every word i say. i am such a bore, but i want to be more.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out. and cut me off.

i don't mean to offend but people misunderstand and i circle perception off balance again. if this is reality then i don't want to be real.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out. and cut me off.

i reach out my hand and can't find anything to grab ahold of. i'm in a free fall. i've not said much at all. it's amazing how little it takes to damn you these days to the outer circle.

back myself into the corner, put the duct tape over my mouth. cut me out and cut me off.

An Ode to Sinus Valley

the tide is washing away my energy. i am falling behind the curve. speeding up time cannot make me move any faster. it's a weekday, another day like every other. it's not me it's you.

pollen is drifting and shifting around me; i'm enveloped in allergies and sinus pain. the sun feeds my enemies and the rain kisses them sweetly. mother nature hates me just like you.

i seek solace within the wall of my air-conditioned fortress. i shut myself in to keep everything and every speck of parts per million away. i don't need you, but you need me to need you.

i've gotten out of the box and become trapped in a valley. i want to pack away the outside and seal it with duct tape and stuff it down in the farthest corner of the basement. maybe if i wrap myself up in an allergen cover i can go out into the sunshine.

No Point

an alluring pariah crosses another liar off the list, scrunches it up in a mental fist, tosses it out with the bitter taste he left in her mouth. yes, it's difficult to keep track. yes, i'd rather be in traction then be attracted to you.

close the blinds, put on the depression, it fits likes a 2nd skin. is there no end to the parade of losers i've let in? the adventure is never as fun as the reviewer said it was. i fall into the trappings of love like a junkie whore looking for a fix. i keep recycling my heart with used spare parts, and i've yet to love someone for good.

i'm running along the freeway, my mind is passing me by and my heart is going to burst, but i can't change my mind on a dime. i've gotten too deep into your neck of the woods. the whispers get to me and the stares bother me. everyone knows you better then i do. will you ever let me in so i can let you go?

a clueless genius, i swear i've found the cure for a broken heart, it's forgetting and leaving in the dark. i got holes in my conscious that i refuse to fill. there's no right or wrong when you live beyond black and white. just leave me the f*ck alone!

shut down the computer and crawl under the covers. everything is better after the pills kick in. i survive just to piss you off. i'm only playing. didn't you understand me? i lie, cheat, and kick people's teeth in.

Just Take What You Need

y must we horde and plunder, rape and pillage, destroy and steal, and take until we break whomever has been giving?

just take what u need to get by. y r people so convinced that if they don't get as much as they can they won't get any at all. the important things in life come in an endless supply. love, laughter, and happiness don't run dry.

i just get so pissed off when i witness unnecessary evil greediness and complete selfishness in adults. it was there, for free, to share, just take a little to get ya by and there would be some there for others. but NO, it disappeared overnight, someone took most of it, and that's just not right.

greedy people really suck.

Right Before Bed

Consciousness is fading fast, blackness is coming. i can't escape, everything is blurry. my heart beats loudly in my head. my hands are disconnected from my brain. how i learn is how to be anyone but me.

Rave like a lunatic, cower like a mutt. take over someone's life and leave them in the dust. build a coffin and fill it up with chocolate bars and cans of dr. pepper; i'll crawl right in with my i-pod blaring songs i love and you can bury me happily in the dirt.

Take my pulse. take my temp. check my throat, all you get is fake complaints and vanishing pains that come and go as they damn well please.

I can't be your lover or your friend. i want to have sex with you then kick you out. use you like i've been used. keep the damage flowing downhill. one day i'll make myself unusable.

My sole defense is insanity. the storm's racing through and flash flooding me. i can't stop these problems i have. i've been crying for over an hour and can't recall why it began. is that an issue, i don't understand.

Dreams of death mean life in reverse. i give birth to identical sextuplets but all it means is that my ideas are many but basically all the same in truth. i encompass what darkness embraces, encurable emotionally unprovoked mood swings.

See me through the hand that rocks an empty cradle. turn the mirrors on me, let me see the dark circles that surround my soul. beauty, death, hope, fear, incantations, carnations, roses, petunias, magic, and flirtations.

I'm a fool. i'm love's willing tool. i'm rusty from being left out in the rain. no one came back. no one came back to put me away. houses screaming, landscapes changing, how i hold down the fort is something i do just like breathing.

i can burn the house down and walk to the next state to my left and begin again until the fire is extinguished, then i'll do it again, until i burn out all the pain i'm in. sometimes i'm scared of me.