The Hospital

another 4 hours i won't get back
sitting on a gurney with a cold back
another medical scare
i am getting sick of these
i'm starting to not care

needles in my arm
veins missed and bruises formed
legs scanned for blood clots
it's just the pill
but i'm fat and old
so too much can go wrong

i didn't want to say anything
i'd rather just die
but i'm scared to die
so i do as i'm told
but it's all okay
just more money thrown away

i'm not sick
i'm not sick
i'm not ill
i'm not ill
i'm not diseased
i'm not diseased

please just leave me be.
i'm tired and alone.
i'm my own worse enemy.
i feed off concern and sympathy.
i don't want to die,
but i'm not alive.

God help me let go of this negativity.
my feelings are my only handicap.
cleanse me of my impurities
let me see how blessed life can be.
no more hospitals for me.

he makes me happy

he makes me happy
he makes me feel naughty
the chemistry between us is electric
but he's not mine to keep
and i fear one day he'll make me weep.

i'm working on enjoying the moment.
the way he hugs me
like he never wants to let me go
how he smiles when i laugh
the feeling of his heartbeat under my hand

little things about him keep me amazed
he's like no other man i've ever been with
i don't want it to ever end
but the gloomy part of me knows it will

he makes me happy
he has a hold over me
the days i am with him are the best ones yet
but he's not mine to love
and i fear one day he'll move on

3 Kisses

slowness grows upon my bones
reverse osmosis stalls my degradation
on top of the mountain i made from a dirty clothes pile
i am queen of everything i own
which is mostly the cheapest things i can buy
one kiss from you undid all i knew

yellow dr. pepper caps scattered on my desktop
they wait to unlock a prize for me
this is all i used to have to look forward to
two kisses from you raised my expectations

tv was my social calendar
i scheduled my life around the make believe world
thinking i have no need for more
i can live alone
i am my own best friend
three kisses from you showed me that's not true
i need you!

This

i don't care at all
if you still love her
cuz it's me you hold
my hopes are higher
then a 60's hippie trippin
all i ask is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you can't keep

tell me your worries
share your fears with me
i want to be your confidant
my heart beats your name
your voice brightens my day
all i want is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you won't keep

i can see us together,
old and happy
cuz we fit like 2 peas in a pod
you're the one that gets me
my lover and best friend
the one i can die with in the end
just give me this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises we can't keep

Ruin Me

you listen to me long enough so you can disagree.
you are sure that you are better then me at everything.
i'm getting tired of always being wrong with you.
maybe this isn't healthy for me anymore.

you tell me you'll ruin me.
i like to please and you like to tease.
i avoid confrontation and you like to be in my face.
there's no 1/2 way point to meet you at.

i listen to you talk about your passions.
i think i don't really care.
but the subject matter is the only thing i don't love.
you are frustrating as much as you are captivating.

you like to say you'll ruin me.
i can't stand up for myself so you'd run over me.
i offer to be brave and you lecture me to be me.
then you tell me to be assertive and if i am
you still don't want me, i can't win.

it hurts when you beat me down.
my feelings are letting me down.
i want to step away and quit you.
but i need to hear more about how passive i am.

what you say has more sway then you think
i want you to ruin me,
i think you should try.
i might surprise us both.
but you've already made up your mind.
you don't want to try and you never did.

After The Test

relief floods through me.
i am free.
i am clear.
my future opens up and
only I can hold me back.

truth is clearer when death is nearer.
fear distorts your vision.
doubt filters your hearing.
my insecurities tied me down.
now reality has direct access to me.

i am building a new world.
hope is abundant.
optimism is my fuel.
my smile leads the way.
no obstacles can stop me now.

after the test i found new zest.
dancing is fun.
laughing is good.
my mood is through the roof.
my old friend misery got kicked to the door.
no negativity is allowed anymore.

I have a Problem

Piled high on the table sit cook books.
All shapes and sizes abound.
There's cookies, cakes, and casseroles.
Modern tips and tricks, plus 70's citche.
I have to keep them all.

My mother's handwriting captured in a pickle relish recipe.
The curve of the o's, the slant of the l's.
It brings back memories of her smile.
I have a problem.
When I see a cook book I feel connected.

I collect them, but I don't cook often.
I have magazines and cards.
I have clippings, and little pieces of cardboard.
There's never enough.
85 total books and I want more.
The flea market has them for 2 bucks.
I'm told I need to stop, but I can't.

Just picking up a one with tons of pictures can cheer up my day.
It's one of the ways I spend a raining day.
It opens up my mind back to a time when my family would gather
around the kitchen table and fill the room with laughter.
I miss those days, so I open up a cook book to escape.
I don't see that as a problem.

Bolder

Fear sits on the back of my mind.
What linger's unknown in my near future unsettles me?
I feel bolder, like it's time to buck my terrors.
If now is all I have then I have no reason not to try.
And I am taking risks and rocking boats.
I'm jumping off cliffs and shaking off doubts.
This possibility of death's sudden kiss has me breaking free
from the fears that had chained me to how i thought it had to be.

I am laying it all out on the line.
I'm not holding back anything this time.
I am being bold and brave.
I am telling you I love you and not trying to save face.
There's no time left on the clock to hedge my bets.
If tomorrow doesn't come I want to know I said all I had to say today.

I do love you.
I do want you.
I want you here with me every day.
You say not to push.
If pushed you go in the opposite direction.
But you don't realize I have a new understanding of my life.
If I want something I need to try and make it mine.

I am bolder.
I am braver.
I am standing up for myself.
I don't know yet if I have a brain tumor,
but just the thought of it makes me throw caution to the wind.

If I'm going to die I want to know I lived.
I wish this had happened years ago.
I've spent too long wasting away in mothballs.
Fear has controlled me for far too long.
I am bolder now.

A Crooked Line is Drawn

life out of focus, i'm spinning out of control.
heartbroken and adrift, lost in a sea of misery.
a quirky beat mocking me on the air.
the taste of eucalyptus upon my tongue.
the feel of a bitterly frigid breeze against my exposed flesh.
unresponsive to outside stimulation,
i remove myself from my thoughts.
i don't want anyone to notice that i'm falling apart.

defenses compromised by your blue eyes.
breaking off into an unsettling happily ever after montage.
urging my mind into a dissociative event to slam the brakes.
dancing around the insanity of falling in love.
the circulation leaving my feet as they fall asleep.
muscles cramping up so intensely i want to weep.
i don't dare move from this uncomfortable chair
for fear you'll see the effect you have upon my soul.

expectations must be managed.
feelings need labeled, organized, and put away into their proper places.
messy isn't an option with your friendship.
the markers have been set.
we measured twice and you cut me once.
i'm now only 1/2 of the whole i once was.

summer's heat has faded into an autumn's dawn.
the blur of days leaves me breathless and dazed.
love is an illusion used to move cheesy merchandise.
emotional creatures are better off drowning in their tears.
but you are on to me and i love it when you are inside of me.
idiots are smarter then my heart.
take one of your axes and cut it out.

surround myself with onions since it's the garlic to your vamparic ability for my complete surrender.
chanting my new mantra, this won't hurt at all,
i start packing up my useless desires
another weekend in your presence to push back my fears.
followed by a Monday withdrawaling from my addiction to you.

the crooked line has ben drawn between your heart and mine.
it bends in your favor.
i'll repeat this brutal cycle, until you want it to stop
because i already realize you are calling all the shots.

Happy Place

i want to be the one you want the most.
but reality bites and i'm always your 2nd place.
i keep wishing for your feelings to shift my way,
but your heart is stubborn.
and i've been unable to point it my way.
time will heal the broken heart she gave to you,
but i worry the scar tissue will keep you from ever loving me.

i hate being selfish but i disagree with you.
you think she's your soul mate.
you believe the two of you fit perfectly together.
but baby, that ain't true.
if the two of you were meant to be,
how could she walk away from you?

she had a choice and she didn't choose you.
does that sound like true love to you?
especially, when i'd pick you every time!
i want to be the one that's always on your mind.
you catch yourself talking about her.
you stop yourself from comparing us.
in my opinion, you just met her first.

it's clear we could be an epic love affair.
your desire for me could spark a million fires.
but you can't let go of the idea of her.
this pedastool you've placed her on is too high for her to ever come down.
you say you love her flaws and all,
but i think time would prove you wrong.

the human condition is a disease we all suffer.
she's already the stupidest woman i've ever heard of,
because she doesn't want you.
i know i am biased, but i know i would treat you better.
only if you'd let me love you,
then i could show you what you truly deserve.

i'm trying to capture our lightning in a cracked bottle with no lid.
this only friends with benefits satisfies my hunger for your touch,
but my heart still starves.
i don't want to push you because i'm afraid i'll lose you.
devastation is layed down in ultimatiums.
i don't want to look back on us and see it was my impatience that chased you away.

patience has never been my forte,
but i've never felt this connected before so i'll bite my tongue
and swallow my pride and hope you eventually realize that even though you aren't where you wanted to be, you ended up in a happy place here with me.

Red Roses

i have my rose colored glasses on.
the world looks bright and new.
this hope for us springs eternal.
i'm excited about our future.
i'm so happy you're free now.
you can be with me now!

life is coming up red roses of love.
i'm dancing around like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into an optimistic tool.

i have my blue tinted glasses on.
my heart is heavy and my frown in place.
this worry for us brings me down.
i'm concerned about our future.
i'm so sad you can't let her go.
when you can be with me now!

life is coming up thorns on dead red roses of love.
i'm falling in love with you like a fool.
this craziness is all about you.
love turns me into a teary eyed pool.

i have ripped off my glasses.
i want to see this just as it is.
this idea of us need a practical spin.
the future remains up in the air.
i'm wanting more then you can give.
you aren't ready to be with me now!

life hasn't come around with any red roses of love at all.
i'm being a fool.
thinking you could so easily move on from her.
love made me totally uncool.

Perfect Song

feelings just out of my reach
words offer no escape
i remember the love we made
it separates us from the world
when there's no distance
between our flesh
that's when it all makes sense

our conversations floating in the air
a billion light years away they'll be heard again someday
i take comfort in your voice
even when it says things i don't want to hear
the chords you strike in me
make the most beautiful melody

thoughts i can't focus
dreams bring me no relief
i like to recall the way you same my name
when i'm the reason you smile
and i am the cause behind your laugh
that's when i know it'll all be okay

our moments of connection inspire me
these poems i write last longer then you and me
i enjoy your touch
even when i can't feel it every day
the way you make me moan
makes the most perfect song

Dark Thoughts

I know what you're thinking.
I see it in your eyes.
She's on your mind every time you stare into space.
You're thinking about her taking my place.
When you go quiet suddenly she's got your tongue.
I hear her voice loud and clear.
I swear your silence says it all.
You've fallen in love and I'm out in the cold.

These dark thoughts are taking hold of me.
Sunny skies can't chase away this blackness swallowing my heart.
These dark thoughts are leading me to my destruction.
Hey, where'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
in deep crimson sin, I found you with her,
and I came undone.
I went over and over and over the scene in my head;
Until the dark thoughts consumed me, now it's done.

I'm not as dumb as you thought I was.
I caught on quicker then you expected.
The receipts you left around the house.
The credit card bills for gifts I never got.
The hotel matchbooks for places I've never been.
The way you'd start a fight just so you could leave.
It all adds up, you've got someone new and I can't bear it.

These dark thoughts won't leave me be.
All I can see is pain and agony.
The darkness swallows me.
I want to cause you pain.
I feel rage in every part of me.
The dark thoughts seem right to me.
What was good now is bad.
What was right now is wrong.
Hey, How'd I get that gun?
How'd you get on the floor?
These dark thoughts are dripping in blood.
The velvet black of my soul wrapped this up with a crimson bow.

I don't know who you are any more.
You shut me out and let her in.
She did this to you.
Not me, I am the victim here.
In my mind it is crystal clear, it is all her fault.
She had to pay and only dark thoughts can make you see it my way.
So look inside my betrayed heart and hear the voices in my head
as they whisper, he won't hurt us ever again!

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

October Knows

I'm losing track of time.
I look out the window and watch a day fade from blue to black.
Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground.
The throes of death are all around me.
Winter will be colder without you around.

Natural selection has left me standing alone.
If only I had a blue print, I'd cut myself out to your specifications.
But life isn't custom made and I'm not like that.
I say what I think before I stop to edit.
You always yelled at me for that.

Last week seems like this week just the numbers have changed.
I cross out the days on the calendar with no emotion.
I go back to bed in the middle of the day.
I want to feel again, but I've forgotten how.
The happiness has left me.

Fate is something others believe in.
I believe you are always at the crossroads.
And I'm getting some bad directions.
Every choice I make leads me the wrong way.
Who can I trust when I don't trust myself?

This isn't about what I should've done or what I didn't do.
I am looking into the future, but it's too dark to see anything.
I'm scared.
So I'll settle down into another empty night and pray it'll be alright.

Drug of Choice

The stillness in the air.
The cold air funneling through my lungs.
The feelings hanging in limbo.
Altogether, it makes me want to disappear.

I heat up a can of soup.
I look around my apartment.
I miss your presence.
Life didn't seem empty until after you were here.

I take my day in small doses.
I want to drive fast, lie in bed and call you.
My whole being quivers with anticipation.
The sound of your voice has become my drug of choice.

The gray ominous sky.
The smell of moisture in the air.
The feeling of something unrealized.
Altogether, I just want to jump to the end.

I check my messages.
There is nothing from you.
I wish you missed me, like I miss you.
I didn't know I wasn't living until after I lived with you.

I can't say no to you.
I'm different with you.
My brain switches gears for you.
Your opinions have become my drug of choice.

The mellowness of a broken hearted song.
The dying leaves falling to the ground.
The feeling of the unknown.
Altogether, I wish I knew where this is going.

I flutter around doing busy work.
Counting down the minutes to you.
Your face dances continuously on my mind.
The colors have been clearer since I saw you.

I'm scared you will go away.
My fear keeps me silent.
I worry I'm not good enough for you.
You're approval has become my drug of choice.

The dullness of the office fluroscent lights.
The quiet of a slow work day.
The feeling that all of it doesn't matter.
Altogether, I'd rather be with you.

I wait for your obligations to free you.
I think about you incessantly.
I am detached from my day, because you are my nights.
And I can't recall before you were in my life.

I gather up your words to save for a bad day.
These precious moments are making me want more.
I have gone past the point of no return.
Your love is now my drug of choice.

My Green T-Shirt

I have you in the pocket of my green t-shirt.
You have my heart in your fist.
I don't think we're even.
You are driving hours away and
I'm just sitting her wondering if you feel the same.

It hurts that you don't love me.
I want to keep you, but you won't let me.
I want to be your only one, but you prefer another one.
I told you I wasn't confused and I'm not.
I am in love with you.
I couldn't be more clear about how I feel.

I have your smell on my sheets.
You have my soul wrapped around your fingers.
I don't think you even know.
You will go back to your daily routine.
I am going back to feeling empty.

It kills me you don't want to hear how I feel.
I want to hug you close, but your allergic to my cat.
I want you to stay, but you can't breathe.
I want you to know how much I love you.
I am willing to ship the cat away to be with you.
I couldn 't be more sincere about how I feel.

I have your taste on my lips.
You have my body twisted up in a knot.
I don't think you care.
You want to walk away free of strings.
I told you there are always strings you can't see.

New Directions

I'm your desire.
I stroke your inner fires.
I'm enthralled by your touch.
And you can't resist me.
We are going down the wrong way,
On a one way street.
This will end badly, it always does.
If I could be strong I'd walk away,
But you know my will power has atrophied.

He walked in and blew me away.
I stand here in shocked disbelief.
The years I spent hiding away you just
ripped right through all my paper thin exuses.
Now I'm exposed for the fearful neurotic mess I've become.

I'm turning down paths unknown.
I'm steering my own destiny instead of sitting in the backseat of my life.
Time never stops and I have to embrace the now.
I don't want to waste what I preceive as my last chance to dance with happiness.
If I was logical about this I'd run away, but I know I've been swept away by your kisses.

He says words that speak to my soul.
I sit here amazed by him.
The hours I've spent talking to him have shown me more truth then a 1,000 sins.
Now I'm feeling emotions I hadn't felt since I was a kid.

The map has changed my course.
I was heading south, but my heart has turned west towards you.
This new direction to you is beautiful to me.
You're breaking me down to help me find out who I am.
You are becoming my true north.
No lies.
No secrets.
No promises we can't keep.

He is setting me free.
And I want to be the woman he see somewhere inside of me.
I want to never leave his gaze.
I will strip down before him and stand tall.
Letting him prove to me how beautiful I am to him.

He walked in and blew me away.

Be with You

Bring me closer to heaven.
Reach beyond all my defenses.
Exceed all my expectations.
Tell me what pleasures you in the dark.

You reintroduced me to ecstasy.
Your enthusiasm for my touch
Keeps me coming back for more.
I don't know where this is going,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Believe me when I say I need you.
Respond to me when I kiss you.
Elavate me up above the clouds.
Taste me deep inside.

You awakened my dorment desires.
Your tongue against my flesh drives me wild.
Caresses and kisses are never enough.
I don't know if this will last,
And for once I don't care.
As long as I get to be with you.

Irony

oh, what am I going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
my stomach is knotting up.
my head is spinning from
all these thoughts of you;
but it's complicated.
i know you don't feel the same.
i'm your friend.
oh, what am I going to do?

you are perfect for me.
it's unfortunate you love her
and you aren't in love with me.
our conversations are the highlight of my day.
the friend in me wants you to be happy
with whomever that might be,
but my heart is selfish and wants you
all to myself.

i tell you i hope it works
between the 2 of you,
but my heart screams
please let her dump him!
i feel bad but good when he says
he's afraid it's over with her.
my smile is fixed.
my supportive words rehearsed.
i'll be a good friend,
just to keep hearing your voice.

oh, what am i going to do?
i am falling in love with you.
please screw it up somehow,
please let me find a fatal flaw.
please let me be turned off by him,
instead i want to ravage him.
if there's any balance or sense
of fairness in the universe
let him fall in love with me.
oh, what am i going to do

On the Way

He's on the way.
The stage is set.
I am prepped,
Ready and willing to
welcome him on my set.

Anticipation building,
Anxiety turning my stomach,
Butterflies circling,
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

He's on the way.
I can't wait
to hold him in my arms.
To kiss his lips.
To feel his touch.

Excitement doesn't cover it.
I feel like i'm floating.
I want time to speed up.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

i have nothing

i have nothing to say to you.
i have nothing to give you.
i have nothing to fear.
i have nothing i want from you.

be subtle, yet be true,
all of what we are rests inside of you.
i look within myself to fullfill
the needs i once expected from you.

i have nothing but happy thoughts of you.
i have nothing but good wishes for you.
i have nothing but open arms for you.
i have nothing you would want.

be gentle, yet be honest,
all of the chaos has past us now.
i have set aside the hurt
the anger i once had for you is gone.

i have nothing but forgivness in my heart for us.

Loser

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't give you everything?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't satisfy all of your needs?

you got me dancin' to your tune.
you keep pullin' on my strings.
my world revolves around you.
i hold my breath every time you breathe.

chargin' up for our next encounter,
readin' up on your horoscope,
got all your bases covered.
gonna impress you with how deep my feelings go.
gonna show you how much i know.
ain't ever gonna let you go.

veritgo, spinnin', never get a grip.
i ain't ever winnin' this battle we in.
you love me then you don't.
you want me then you don't.
how am i supposed to know if it's an up day or a downer?

you got me hangin' on your every word.
you go me followin' your every move.
my life is built all around you.
my heart only beats cuz you breathe.

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't buy you pretty things?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't fulfill your dreams?

Hubris

am i so evolved as to be beyond pride
or is it a sin to want to be free of sin?
i am stumbling through my life.
i fall repeatedly for the same lover.
only his face and name keep changing.
i scratch beyond his facade;
and every time it's the same foundation
i've built my heart upon.

i'm conceited to think that you think i'm beautiful.
i'm overshooting my target and
landing in a mess that i've cleaned up before.
whenever i fill up on hubris,
i come tumbling back down to earth.

i have bruises still blacker then blue
showing on my soul.
i've been licking these wounds for quite awhile.
i've retreated behind the door of my straw house.
you're taking a deep breath;
i know one touch from you can blow me down.

i'm arrogant to think that you think you can't live without me.
i've gone down this road before enough to know
that's it's full of unexpected twist and turns.
whenever i puff up with hubris,
i come crashing back down to earth.

i'd be stupider then i already am to let
myself fall in love with you.
but temptation strikes every time you smile at me.
and i feel the wind leaving my independent sails.
this lonliness is trumping my pride;
i want to reach out and hold you until i die.

Self-Inflicted

my heartbreaks are self-inflicted.
i fall in love with the impossible.
i comply to appease,
then i supress contrary emotions.
until i erupt, like an emotionally
charged cussing volcano.

people think i'm happy this way.
i've just been burned one too many times.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
and i don't want to get hurt anymore.
so, i put myself in isolation.
my lonliness is self-inflicted
to protect myself from pain.

you'd think these realizations
would enable me to be a better person.
but my misery is self-inflicted.
logically, it all makes sense,
but the angsty teen in me refuses to believe
that love can end happily.

just once i'd like to break away
from my self-inflicted sadness.
and punish myself with some happiness.
but fear keeps a strict house
and i am her willing prisoner.
to be alone is to be calm.
to be calm is to find peace.
i need the peace to keep the pieces of
my shattered heart together.